wow...been awhile

I can't believe it's been this long since I decided to stop writing, and I don't know what made me start again, except the thought that maybe, just maybe, I could help someone else.

I don't know if I will keep writing or if this is the last for another 8 years, but here you go.

If you are struggling with your relationship with a parent, I hope this helps.

Also, I pasted this from notes and the format got weird, I don't know how to fix it, sorry.

I 'm struggling today, as I do most Father's Days, but this one in particular is hitting hard. I found out 1 week ago today that my father died. 

I lived with him until I was 8, then was dropped at my mother's with these parting words "you know you can't come back and live with me, right?" I didn't, but I nodded my head yes and watched as he unloaded my belongings and then drove away. I saw him maybe 3 times after that day, the last being when I was 12, visiting his mother, my grandmother. I called fairly often during my teenage years, always asking when we could visit or come see him. I invited him to my high school graduation, my college graduation, my first wedding. I wrote letters hoping for a response, the last telling him he had a granddaughter. I finally gave up, he made it clear he did not want a relationship, and with the help of a therapist worked through (or so I thought) what that meant for me.

When I found out about his death last week, I broke. I don't think I've ever felt that kind of grief and sadness, and as I sobbed I kept saying over and over "why do I feel this way, I thought he didn't matter to me anymore." 

I've thought about it a lot this week and think that while my head had wrapped itself around the fact there would never be a tearful reunion or apology letter or even an acknowledgement, my heart hadn't, and it shattered. Gone was any chance for a reconciliation, and his obituary made clear, he never wanted one. (There was no mention of his own children, only his 4 step).

So why am I sharing this?

Because I want anyone else in this, or a similar situation, to know you are not alone. Scrolling through post after post of "best dad ever" and "missing my dad today, and every day" etc. can be really rough. You are truly happy for your friends and their relationships but am sad because that isn't your experience, and it seems to be EVERYONE else's. 

I'm here to tell you there are a bunch of us out here and we see you. We see you go quiet on Father's Day and/or Mother's Day, and we acknowledge your pain. Nothing you did caused it, and nothing you do now can make them change, or come around, unless they decide they want to. 

The sad reality is some parents don't or can't love their children, and while it's never the child's fault, the child always thinks it is, well into adulthood, if not forever. We live in a world where "parental love is the ultimate love" and "a mother's love never dies" and most people can't help themselves and tell you "oh you know they love you, they just have a hard time showing it, they will come around, keep trying" and it can be extraordinarily painful to live in that world because if that's the case, it's not the parent that's broken or unable to love so it must me, right? No, but that's probably what your inner dialogue has been telling you since you were little. So you were always trying, to be perfect, to be better, to be lovable, to no avail. And if your parents don't love you how could anyone else? 

Those are all valid feelings, and normal in your circumstance and I'm here to tell you, because they can, and you are worthy of it. And it's ok to walk away from ANY toxic relationship, even if it is with a parent. 

If a boyfriend broke up with your best girlfriend and wouldn't reply to her calls or texts for a month would you tell her "oh he loves you, keep trying" ?

Relationships are relationships, just because someone birthed you or shares your DNA does not automatically mean they love you, they can respect you, they can be kind to you, and they should be beyond reproach when they aren't. Blood does not give anyone a pass to be toxic or abusive. 

It's ok to walk away.

It's ok to create the family you need with people who aren't your blood relatives.

Is ok to be sad for what wasn't.

It's ok to mourn their loss, both when you walk away and when they die; it's also ok not to.

And you aren't alone, even if it feels that way.

((hugs))

-K

silence

I'm not sure WHY I am out of bed at 6:30am on a Sunday, but I am...
and there is a GIANT cup of coffee next to me...no refillable mug for this sister this morning...no, no...I gots me a 24oz. Tervis Tumbler full of coffee and more brewing.

The past few weeks were tough, but there were a few bright spots, so I will tell ya about those.  I booked our flights to Orlando (we are definitely "GOIN' TO DISNEY WORLD!") the community pool opened and The Pea and I were able to spend some time there, which wasn't nearly as traumatic as I had thought it would be (more on that later), and I got to "see" TheGuy.  Skype cooperated for a little while yesterday and I got a glimpse of my tanner, thinner, "grimy gross" (his words) guy.  He looked fantastic.

So on to the usual trauma that is the community pool.

I live in one of those "stepford" communities, where most of the mommies spend their days volunteering at the school, working out, getting pretty (and apparently tanning because they are all a beautiful bronze), and chatting with all the other perfect mommies.  Best I can tell there are about 10 of us working mommies, some single, like me, and we try hard (bless our little hearts) but we tend to fall just short, and are often on the other end of the "look" (which best I can tell is a mixture of pity and disdain) from the perfect mommies.  You can spot us a mile away at the school functions as we are the last ones to come running in, our hair a bit frizzy, our clothes just shy of stylish, we don't know where we are going, we don't stop to chat with every teacher, TA, or fellow mommy, and then we run out (back to work) as soon as the function wraps up, sometimes before it does.  At the pool we are even more obvious.

We are white, flabby and a little lost, and completely by ourselves.  We wander around and around trying desperately to find an empty chair that isn't rusty or broken.  We don't have "a spot" or a group of fellow mommies saving us a spot, and nine times out of ten we have forgotten either the snacks or sunscreen, and so only end up staying 30 minutes.  I always want to talk to the other mommies like me, but I never know how to start...I also don't want to interrupt what could be their only 30 minutes of relative peace in the day cuz I know there are times I just want to be left alone to watch my kid and forcing a "so which street do you live on?  what do you do? blah blah I really don't care, don't we have really cute kids?" conversation is just exhausting after the marathon that is a weekday.

This week, whether it was because I just didn't have the energy to give a shit anymore, or because all the stars were aligned, I enjoyed myself despite standing out like a Beluga and I managed to not only find a decent chair, but also remembered the sunscreen, snacks, extra towels AND ipod.  I enjoyed my 30 minutes of (screaming children and lifeguard whistles aside) peace, and The Pea got herself good and worn out before we headed home.  Yesterday was even better as all the white flabby daddies joined the mix and I fit right in (tee hee). 

Along with the new pool season, comes another...even more depressing...

Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

It is time for silence.

Despite the bright spots through the weeks, the overall climate was an ugly one (family stuff, sorry, can't share) and it forced some thinking, grieving, exploring, and self exploration.  It coincided with another family's terrible loss, and after attending a double funeral, and all the emotions that it brought up, I made some decisions, one of which was to stop writing.  I love this blog, and what it has taught me about myself and forced me to face, but it is time to move on from it.  The time I dedicate to it is time better spent with ThePea, and when he comes home, TheGuy, and I have found myself in a love/hate relationship with writing, so I think it is time to step away for a bit. 

To my faithful readers: THANK YOU.

happy

Happy Saturday Y'all!

I finally figured out how to get all my links to open the way I want them to instead the way they have been (I'M very excited, of course if you never clicked on any you are probably going "huh?!"...click on refillable mug below and see what happens.)

I am drinking coffee from my refillable mug and scanning the internet for things that make me laugh...

I'm gonna jump up on a soapbox here for just a sec' cuz there is much discussion on the boards regarding the refillable mugs and some people get downright crazy, and I just don't understand.  The mug costs around $15, for that you get refills at your resort for the length of your stay.  If you are on the dining plan, your mugs are included.  Travel mugs at Target cost $15-$25, and you can't walk in to the cafe while you are shopping and fill it up (although, now I want to).  PLUS, it's DISNEY...it is one of the least expensive souvenirs you can buy.  I don't even drink out of mine very much while I am there...maybe a coffee or two in the mornings if there is time, but we are not big soda drinkers.  I like it more as something to bring home, that doesn't cost a fortune, that I can use every day to add a little magic.  Anyway, some folks seem to think you should get refills for life, or also in the parks, or that they shouldn't be so expensive (?! wha? you just spent somewhere between $2000 and $10,000 on your vacation and $15 is expensive ??) and I always wanna jump into one of those discussions and say what I really feel, but I don't, so I thought I would get it all off my chest in a forum that I control...mmmwhahahahahahaha.

Ok...enough of THAT.  Moving on, to our next day at the world and our last park day.

We will begin our day in Magic Kingdom, it should be fairly light, crowd wise, because it is a party night.  The park closes early for the Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, and folks who don't have hoppers will not want to waste a day when they will only be able to enjoy it for a short while.  We, however, DO have hoppers (well, the Pea and I have annual passes and I got TheGuy a six day hopper) so we are going to take advantage and enjoy it, until they kick us out.  After a fair amount of touring, and hitting our favorites we will break for a late breakfast at Cinderella's Royal Table, which the Pea is very much looking forward to.  Some folks like to take a break in the middle of the day and head back to the resort to rest, we use our meals as rest periods.  I try to schedule late breakfasts, or early lunches, so that after a few hours of grabbing FastPasses and riding rides we can recharge in preparation for the afternoon, and then late dinners (ideally with a view of fireworks or characters) to allow us to wind down before heading back to the room to sleep.  We may end up taking a few breaks on THIS trip, just because we are closer to our resorts and it will be easier, but we aren't big nappers and last time we tried that we just paced the room, talking about what we could be doing, and felt like we wasted the hour in transit getting back and forth.

Once we have had our fill of Magic Kingdom we will head to Epcot.  We plan on hitting Future World pretty hard on an earlier day, so we will head straight to World Showcase and wander.  The Pea LOVES the belly dancer in Morocco...

...and I'm sure TheGuy will too.  We will definitely hit France for a pastry, and maybe Germany for a beer, and then it's off to Mexico.  The Pea will make us ride Gran Fiesta until we drag her out of there, and we have reservations at La Hacienda to end the night.  I imagine a Margarita or two will be had and then, if my plan works, we will enjoy dessert while watching Illuminations from our table.

I still don't know how the last day will play out because I don't know when our flight will leave.  We have reservations at 1900 Park Fare for breakfast, but that is subject to change if we need to catch an early flight.

And that is it!  That is our trip...or at least the plan for our trip...it will be interesting to see how it ACTUALLY plays out.

Have a happy weekend!

remember

The Pea and I are off to New England to spend the weekend with my SISTAH!!!  Triple WOOT!

I don't plan on writing until after I return, but I wanted to leave you with this. 

This weekend isn't about the beach, beer, and bbq for many many families. 

Take a moment to remember, with gratitude, the REASON we get a day off to enjoy OUR families.

Our rights, and freedoms, were hard won and this holiday is about remembering those that paid the ultimate sacrifice in the fight.  Their families will spend the weekend remembering, and mourning...so be mindful, be respectful, and be thankful.

Happy Memorial Day.

5

Good Lord...the past few days have been HORRIBLE.  The Pea passed along her stomach bug to me, and then coincidentally the DOG GOT SICK AS WELL.  I am ready to call this week over and move on...and if I NEVER have to smell shit or vomit again it will be too soon.

On to happier things...DISNEY...and day 5.  Some of you probably noticed I had two day 3s...oopsie...that has since been corrected.

Day 5 is our Disney's Hollywood Studios day.  We plan to make rope drop and head for Toy Story Mania.  With any luck we will get a quick ride AND some FastPasses for later, and then we will more than likely split up.  TheGuy will do Tower of Terror and Rock N Roller Coaster and The Pea and I will hit Beauty and the Beast.  Mama Melroses is on tap for lunch and then we should be able to catch the Stunt Show.  Both TheGuy and I want to do Star Tours, so I think the plan is to "baby swap" even though she isn't too small to ride, just too scared.  At some point we will head back to Toy Story, and then Starring Rolls for a cupcake...or three.  We should be able to fit in the Muppets and a few other things and maybe even catch the parade.  Then we will head back to the lodge for date night!

The Pea will go to the Cub's Den and TheGuy and I will go to Artist Point.  We are both looking forward to this one.  The food looks amazing, they have Sake flights (yumm-o!) and it is one of the quieter, more romantic, Disney restaurants.  Check this it out: http://www.disneyfoodblog.com/2012/03/11/review-artist-point-in-disneys-wilderness-lodge/

The next day will be our last park day and we will split it between Magic Kingdom and Epcot; more on that another day.  For now, I'm off to bed (early tonight, as I have the past three) in hopes that tomorrow I will finally start feeling normal.

yak

Well after writing about our upcoming trip, The Pea decided to reenact our last trip, just the bad part though, and instead of writing I was cleaning...and holding hair...and drying tears...and doing laundry...lots and lots of laundry.

The Pea is doing much better...so much better in fact that as I sit here trying to focus and form a coherent thought she is flipping around the living room.  Literally.  Flipping her little body ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.  It might be time for some gymnastics lessons.

Ok...so on to the rest of our trip.  Or at least how much ever I can write about before a lamp, table, couch, or small child, gets broken and I have to jump up.

Day 4 will be Animal Kingdom.  We will get there early, head for the Safari grab some FastPasses for later and ride.  We will definitely do the shows, Lion King and Nemo, and we have lunch plans at Yak & Yeti (neat place, and the food looks terrific: ahi tuna, yumm-o, but I'm still leery of any dining establishment with Yak in the name...hello, really?).  Probably before lunch, cuz we don't need him yakkin up his Yak &Yeti, TheGuy will ride Expedition Everest. 

The Pea and I don't do thrill rides, hell she got sick after Tea Cups...so there will be a lot of "Ok, you ride this, and we will go ride that, and we will meet back here." I think it will work out great because he can ride in the single rider line, which is often much shorter (10 minute wait versus 50) she and I can knock out the ones he has no desire to do, and we can save the FastPasses for the things we all want to do together.  We will do whatever attractions we can in between shows, maybe catch the parade if we get a good spot and feel like sitting for awhile, and then who knows.  If it is warm, and I can convince The Pea, we will ride Kali River Rapids.  I REALLY wanna do this one (unless it is 40 degrees, and then hell no) but we shall see...if we do do it, it will be the last one before heading back to the resort.

The plan for that night is to go over to the Contemporary and eat at California Grill.  I'm definitely looking forward to this one as it should be a really nice meal (here is a review: http://www.disneyfoodblog.com/2011/11/20/review-california-grill/ )and we can watch the fireworks from there without battling crowds.  After dinner and the fireworks we are a short boat ride away from our bed.

Ok, The Pea has destroyed the living room and it has taken over an hour to write as I keep having to stop so I am signing off for now.

Happy Saturday y'all!

178

178 days until Disney World!!

I made all my dining reservations, got The Pea set up to go to Bibbidy Bobbidy Boutique, and have started my spreadsheets.  I am waiting on Southwest to open up their flight schedule for November and for The Tomorrowland Terrace Dessert Party to start taking reservations, but otherwise we are SET!

Here is the breakdown of our first few days...

Day 1: Arrive Orlando International Airport and take the Magic Express to Bay Lake Tower and check in.  Get our keys, which will, because we have the dining plan, be our meal tickets, and head to Disney's Hollywood Studios Starring Rolls Cafe...Red Velvet cupcake, come to mama.  We are heading to Hollywood Studios first because one, it will be the least crowded park that day, and two, we didn't get a day in that park on the last trip because of The Pea spending two days in bed sick.  After we pull ourselves out of our sugar comas we will hit Star Tours, Beauty and the Beast, Muppets 3D, and whatever else we can squeeze in without too much of a wait.  Then we head to 1900 Park Fare for dinner with the step-sisters.  Finally, The Pea will get to see them...that was the one thing she missed last time that I haven't heard the end of, so we will knock it out early. 

Day 2:  Magic Kingdom!  We will get up and WALK there, hopefully in time for the opening show and rope drop, and then enjoy the day.  The Pea has her Bibbidy Bobbidy Boutique appointment in the afternoon and then we will eat an early dinner at Crystal Palace, unless of course the new Be Our Guest is open, in which case we will try and eat there.  Since we are doing an early dinner, that is the night we will plan on doing the Dessert Party.  I'm not a fan of battling crowds, and it is a nice way to see the fireworks without throngs of people all up on you (plus there is CAKE...and pie, and tarts, and chocolate...hmmmmmmmm).  The best part of the night will be the luxury of walking back to the hotel instead of waiting for and enduring a bus.

Day 3:  Check out of Bay Lake Tower and in to Villas of Wilderness Lodge.  This should involve only the dropping off of our bags to bell services at Bay Lake, taking a boat over to Wilderness Lodge and a quick packet pickup for our new room/dining keys.  We shall see...this is my first split stay at two different resorts and while I have heard it is easy, I am not so sure.  We also switch dining plans at this point, from the regular to the deluxe...my mouth is watering just thinking about it.  Then, off to Epcot we go, first stop: Soarin'.  We will head to The Seas after The Land and do lunch at Coral Reef, The Pea LOVES that place...she won't eat the damn food, but she loves the place...hopefully TheGuy will like both the food and the atmosphere.  Despite it's notorious bad reviews, my one and only meal there was good, so hoping for another.  We will spend the day wandering, doing whatever everyone wants to do and for dinner we dine with the princesses in Norway.  The Pea and I love, love, love Akershus...I suspect TheGuy will tolerate it, but maybe he will get a kick out of pretty ladies stopping by our table for hugs and pictures.  After dinner we will head outside for Illuminations and then probably grab a cab back to the Villas.  Made the mistake of trying to do the bus deal at Epcot closing once, NEVER again.

Are you exhausted just reading?  I suspect we will fall into bed and crash hard after those three days...adrenalin (and cupcakes) can only keep you going for so long.  More on our plan tomorrow...and then over the next six months I will continue to change it, even though it is fine just the way it is.

oy

Well it has been a week, and you would think TheGuy has been gone forever.  I miss him like crazy.  Work has been insane, the Pea has been a wild child, and the whole state is up in arms about Amendment 1.  I'm ready to just crawl in bed with a bottle of wine.

I'm sad that our beautiful state has become the laughing stock of the union, I'm sad that we have politicized marriage and love, and muddied up all that is sacred in the name of religion.  I am perplexed by the venom and hatred.  I am furious that we spent so much time and taxpayer money on this issue when our unemployment rate is higher than, and our primary education testing scores lower than, almost every other state. 

As someone who chose the wrong person TWICE and royally effed up in marriage, I myself have no right to tell anyone else they shouldn't give it a go...and for someone who didn't choose wrong, who got lucky and found "the one" early on and didn't have a bunch of wounds to heal and baggage to carry along, and therefore managed to stay happily married: why would you not want that for someone else? 

I don't agree with any religion, religious practice, law, or political decree that excludes, shuns, degrades, hurts, violates the rights of, or shames anyone, unless of course they are hurting, shunning, degrading, violating the rights of, or shaming another human being.  Hope that made sense.

A friend of mine posted this** on Facebook...I couldn't have said it better.  If you don't like Gay marriage, or anything else for that matter, fine...but you will have to come up with an argument far better than "because the bible forbids it" to get me to agree with you...because with the exception of “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12) I take issue with a LOT the bible says.

**
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. When I burn a bull on the altar as sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination according to Leviticus 11:10 it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

6. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I do wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here?

7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should I go about killing them?

8. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still touch a football if I am wearing gloves?

9. My friend has a farm. he violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them or can I just take care of it myself? Leviticus 24: 10-16...couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?

TheGuy has me seriously considering marriage again...this vote today though, has me seriously thinking: What gives ME that right, if others can't?

wowza

Wowza...it has been awhile!

Sorry I have been off the radar, I have been spending every free moment with TheGuy.  I suspect you will be hearing quite a bit more from me though, as he is headed to Afghanistan for a bit.  It's lovely this time of year...he is excited.  [There really should be a sarcasm font]

I will be spending my time working, hanging with The Pea, catching up with all the friends I have been neglecting, blogging, planning my next Disney vacation, and masturbating (where the hell IS Bob anyway?).

So, on to the details...of our Disney trip (naughty monkeys!) 

It is finally set...we were able to get part of our week at Wilderness Lodge ( http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/resorts/villas-at-wilderness-lodge/ ) but because the weekend was booked solid we will stay at Bay Lake Towers (http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/resorts/bay-lake-tower-at-contemporary/ ) Saturday and Sunday.  At first, I was a little leery of a "split stay" and thought about continuing to waitlist the entire stay at Wilderness lodge, but now that it is done, I am thinking it worked out for the best, and am going to keep it just the way it is.  The first two days will be Magic Kingdom focused (you can WALK there from BLT, we are used to a 30 minute bus ride!) the next four days we will split evenly between all four parks and the resort.

I have until May 14th to get a rough idea of where we want to be and when, because that is the day I am able to make my dining reservations; there are a few that it will be important to book early.  Because TheGuy has never been, he really doesn't know what he wants to do (or what we will miss, which is good, no pressure if I can't work in certain things).  We did watch the planning DVD though, and I showed him some pictures and told him about some of our options.  When I asked for his top two he said Star Tours (http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/parks/hollywood-studios/attractions/star-tours/) and the Fireworks Dessert Party (http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/dining/tomorrowland-terrace-fireworks-dessert-party/).  The Pea's top two were Bibbity Bobbity Boutique (http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/tours-and-experiences/bibbidi-bobbidi-boutique/) and dinner in the castle(http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/dining/cinderellas-royal-table/).      

I just want to be there, and quite honestly, plan it.  I really do get a lot of joy in making the plan (even if we don't follow it).  As it unfolds, I will fill you in.

In the meantime I will leave you with this...totally random, but I liked it and wanted to share.

i like popcorn

Another Saturday and I haven't had enough coffee to formulate a coherent thought, so just a few shares:

does this make me a realist?

hahahahah

just because it is effing adorable

true story

oh dear...

happy saturday

Except today...cuz I don't feel like writing...so instead I will just share :)

hahahahahah

pretty much

I'll give you one guess as to which two I choose...tee hee.

Happy Saturday!  Have a great weekend!!

yikes

Yikes!  It has been awhile since I wrote last.  Glad to report I am no longer a poopy face.

The Pea spent all of last week with her dad, and I spent it with TheGuy.  You would think I would have had plenty of time to write but not so much.  This falling in love stuff is wicked time consuming.  I have gotten to where I want to spend every free minute with him, and if at all possible: nekkid.  And while I didn't get a chance to write, I did find out for absolute certain, that he is, indeed, a keeper. 

We spent the Easter weekend with my parents.  He met the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and he did not once run screaming from the house...not once. 

Not when dad pulled out all his guns or when mom started singing Red Solo Cup. 

Not when I had a hot flash at the table, ripped off my sweater and said "jeezus, it is HOT as BALLS in here" before remembering my grandmother was sitting across from me. 

Not when we took a "family" picture (which he was told to get in, but wasn't family, which resulted in the wide eyed, telepathic "what the hell do I do here woman?" "just get in the damn picture, I need you next to me" "are you sure?" "jeezus, yes, I'm sorry, I love you, please don't run screaming from this shit show, and if you do take me with you" "ok, but I'm not smiling" "ok"). 

Not when I fled to the bathroom, and left him to fend for himself, while I sat on the floor and tried to remind myself ALL families have crazy. 

Not when, on the ride home, The Pea asked us when we were getting married (there was some sweating and stuttering and we may have swerved off the road, but no running or screaming).

He even claims to have had fun...pffffft.  I'm not going to question it, but I am pretty sure if pressed he would cave and admit he was terrified. 

Terrified, happy, whatever, he is still hanging around so it's all good, and he still wants to go to Disney World with me, so the real planning has begun.  Today I booked Saratoga Springs Resort,  and waitlisted Wilderness Lodge, so we don't know where we are staying, but with November hours scheduled to be released soon, and our 6 month dining reservation window a month away, we are starting to at least tentatively plan our stay, and I am getting excited. 

And then we will come home and spend Thanksgiving with HIS family.  Yikes.

poopy face

I came home tonight full of energy and ready to get some stuff done.  I made dinner and was all set to do laundry and clean after we ate...and now I am sitting here feeling like a shitty ass parent, drinking a glass of wine, and typing like these little keys need a beating.

The Pea had her Easter party and egg hunt today at school.

Now she hates spaghetti (which just two days ago she LOVED), hates me, hates the dog, and hates time outs.  My guess is, the party involved eating massive amounts of junk food which not only filled her up and made her not want real food, but led to a crash of epic proportion. 

After refusing to eat or sit down she got a warning.  After ignoring the warning she got sent upstairs.  After refusing to go upstairs she got dragged carried.  After she threw a fit from the top of the stairs all the Easter candy got thrown in the trash (except the two Milky Ways, I am so eating them) and now, I am exhausted.

Ironically, today I attended a conference where one of the workshops was conflict resolution and dealing with difficult people.  There was not a single exercise that involved getting punched by tiny fists or told you are a "mean poopy face."

enjoy

Some shit that doesn't suck...cuz it's Thursday!  Enjoy

This was me...

...then I met TheGuy...

...and I love him, but yeah, sooo true.

tee hee

yes

peace

I just cancelled my upcoming trip to Disney World for the Flower and Garden Festival.  I'm a little sad, but also relieved.  I was really starting to dread the early flights and the long days, jam packed with people and activities, even mentioned to TheGuy earlier today that I was surprised I wasn't more excited.  Then tonight, the Pea announced that she didn't want to go.  I made sure she meant it by asking a few times and explaining once it was done it was done, but when she told me to just go on without her and she would stay with the neighbors, I knew she was really serious and there was no point in wasting free flights going somewhere we don't both REALLY want to go.  I'm surprised I'm not more bummed out but I want to be excited about going to Disney World, or on any vacation for that matter, so instead we will focus on November and get jazzed about going then.

It is interesting how, since finding happiness in other places (namely my relationship, but also at work), I am no longer as focused on all things Disney.  It was as if before it was a lifeline, and I was holding on for dear life, because it was one of only a few things that brought me joy.  Now, it seems, I don't need to daydream, plan, pine, and obsess about my "happy place."  My happy place is here now, and Disney is just a bonus.  Don't get me wrong, I am still planning...November 2012 and 2013...and in love with all things Mouse, but it is nice to find joy in other places too.

It feels good to be in a place where what I have and where I am is enough.  For, quite possibly, the first time ever, I am not seeking some intangible something.  I am not thinking "Is this all there is?"  I am at peace.  I like it.

cranky

I HATE daylight savings time...hate it.  I'll say that again, just in case you were unsure of how I REALLY feel, I HATE daylight savings.  I want to stay on standard time, I don't want it to stay light until 9pm, there is no need.  My kid is wide damn awake, and pissed, and I know the morning is going to be hell.  In addition to the time change, TheGuy is headed out of town, and I am fast approaching "that time of the month" so to say I am cranky would be a gross understatement...I am ready to throttle anyone who looks at me sideways...or frontways, or any damn way at all.  I hope happy thoughts of this past weekend can carry me through and keep me out of jail.

It started out pretty well...I agreed to FINALLY go out on a date with TheGuy.  I actually got pretty excited about it and was looking forward to dressing up and being taken out.  I even let him make the plans and didn't ask about them.  After he ripped his shirt, spilled gas on his shoes filling up his truck, and I had to reapply my makeup because the cold sweat of the near panic attack had it dripping all off, we managed to have a pretty good time.  He took me to a really nice Italian joint, made a reservation for a little corner table; we ate, talked, and laughed until we felt adequate time had lapsed, and then went home and got nekkid, which is what we really wanted to do in the first place.  We agreed to no more dates.

Saturday morning we got up early, and headed to the range (shooting not driving).  TheGuy has been wanting to teach me to shoot well and get comfortable with weapons since we started our little adventure because it is something that HE really enjoys and wanted us to be able to do it together.  My dad taught me to shoot a little rifle when I was a kid and said I was a really good shot.  I pestered the hell out of him to take me hunting, and because he figured me for a natural, he did.  We went squirrel hunting, and right off the bat I got one.  Unfortunately, after killing the squirrel, I realized he was actually dead, like DEAD dead and bleeding, and I passed out.  My dad said that he stood there in the woods, looking down at his daughter and the squirrel, neither of us moving, and realized I was NOT the natural he had hoped I was.  TheGuy knew this story, as well as some of my other gun stories ("you can't see the target through tears, STOP CRYING!") so his only goal was to get me comfortable and not have a fight or me in tears.  Well, turns out, with a relaxed teacher, and paper targets instead of live animals, I AM a natural, and had a blast.  It helped that I was trying to impress TheGuy and WANTED to enjoy it for his sake.  Every time I emptied a clip into the target, exactly where I wanted to, he would shake his head and mumble something about never pissing me off, but I knew he was proud of me, which made me want to do better.

It is amazing how many things that I am getting better at, learning to do, or enjoying more, just because I am doing them with him.  I have yet to do anything with him that I have NEVER done before, but many of them have been either boring, just ok, or a near disaster, with others.  With him I always have fun, and I am always laughing, and things are easy. We actually got a little lost on our way out Friday night; we went to a restaurant neither had ever been, and the mapquest directions (big surprise) were wrong.  I can't tell you how many times that has happened with other men and the result was yelling, tears, or silence, for the rest of the night.  He just rolled with it, figured it out, turned around, and next thing I knew we were there and I was cracking up over something I don't even remember.  I am very lucky, and very grateful, to have found someone that GETS me, that adores me, AND that wants to have sex with me...usually it is just one out the three.

And let's hope that all that happiness and gratitude gets me through this week and adjusted to this damn time change...it's probably good all those guns are locked up tight, at his house, up high where I can't reach.

happy monday

As both a Disney and a Real Housewives addict, I HAD to share...too funny.

go with it

An interesting week for me, filled with some ups, some downs, and a lot of learning.  TheGuy and I are getting to know each other and even though we have been friends for a few years now, there are always things that unless you are in a romantic relationship with someone, you just don't know.  There are the good but expected: he is awesome with kids and always there when he says he will be; the good and unexpected: he is great in bed (just never thought of him "that way" so didn't know what to expect); the neutral but interesting: he doesn't drink coffee.  As we spend more time together we are also becoming aware of each others little quirks.  Those little things that you do, that you sometimes don't even realize, until you start analyzing how you appear to someone else, or they get pointed out...like the way you drive or order food in a restaurant, or the music that you sing along to.

I thought I knew him pretty well when we started on this crazy adventure, but the more I learn, the more I realize I didn't know much, and the more I learn, the more I like.  The problem with it all is that it scares the hell out of me.  The whole idea of dating and being romantic with someone was scary at first, but we got through that by "not dating" and the romantic part just kind of took care of itself.  Then we had a few weeks of blissful falling in love, being happy, totally being ourselves around each other and thinking "where the hell have you been my whole damn life?"  NOW, now, it is getting terrifying again, because now I'm all in.  Now it's real and for some strange reason I am getting insecure and doing that thing where I question every thing I say and do.  I was totally myself with him from the beginning because he already knew I was a crazy dork and there was no point not acting like myself.  I had the attitude "what the hell, it's not like I have anything to lose..." I was blunt, brutally honest, told him exactly what I feeling pretty much as I was feeling it, and never gave it a second thought...until now.  Now I have something to lose (the best relationship I have ever had) and holy hell, pretty soon he is gonna see something in me that he doesn't like much.

My head tells me he won't take off, he is a better man than that, but the eight year old little girl inside me says "if your own father can leave you and never look back, so can he..."  I'm back to fighting demons I thought I had laid to rest and I don't like it much.  I want to be able to be happy and not question it or hold back because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to trust, both myself and someone else, and have faith that it will all work out.  I want to go back to saying exactly what I am feeling in the moment and not immediately regret it because I think "oh shit, what if that wasn't what he wanted to hear?" 

I want to stop worrying that I have to be perfect to be loved.

Is it just us silly girls who do this in the beginning of a good relationship or do men do it to and just not talk about it?  Why can't I just leave well enough alone and go with it?

drama

Well of course I spoke too soon.

Silly me, I thought I was done with all the drama, chaos, and bullshit, because I was done with The Boy.  He had other ideas.  I'm so very glad I am dating an adult now. 

zapped

Saturday!  I have been looking forward to today all week.  Not only am I not at work, but TheGuy is coming home from a trip out of state and I get to squeeze him soon.  Things are progressing along, and I can honestly say I am happy.  Deep down, in my soul, at peace, where I am supposed to be, happy.  I think I would be even if he WEREN'T in the picture, because after the break-up with The Boy I was getting there, and excited about what this year had in store, but having TheGuy in my life has added to it, and I can't stop smiling.  I'm a little worried that not having any strife, chaos, or drama in my life may mean I will no longer feel the need to write, but I guess only time will tell.  I may have to start being more observant of other peoples' crazy lives and get more creative overall...but for now, back to me, and my happiness (you just threw up in your mouth a little didn't you?).

One of the things that has me the happiest is his acceptance of my crazy planning.  Smash and I are already planning Christmas and he is on board.  I am already planning Disney (which we have officially moved to November so that TheGuy can go) and he is ok with it.  He actually went to the Disney web site and looked at our options, ON HIS OWN...I have WON the man lottery. 

So, speaking of Disney, November it is, and now I am even more excited about this year's trip because TheGuy has never been.  I am taking a first timer; I get to re-live that "first time magic" all over again.  I'm pretty sure he won't cry as we drive through the gates, when he hears "Welcome Home!" and as he walks down Main Street, the first time, like I did, but it should be magical nonetheless.  We are planning on going all out...deluxe accommodations (I have fingers crossed for Wilderness Lodge), deluxe dining plan, the whole deal-e-o.  I MAY even let him take me out on our first date and send the Pea to a kid's club...or not, since I just shivered as I wrote that.  What is it with me and dates?!  Jeez.

The Pea wants to eat in Cinderella Castle and go to the Hoop Dee Doo Revue; I want to try Artist Point and Biergarten.  Not sure how it will all play out yet, but I think we can squeeze it in.  In the meantime, I have another trip coming up, IN A MONTH, and (maybe because it is already planned and I have nothing more to do but wait?) I am not all that excited yet.  Weird.  We have some great dinners scheduled: LaHacienda during Illuminations so we aren't outside fighting the crowds for a view and 1900 Park Fare so we can see those Step Sisters we missed at Christmas; we love Epcot and being there during the Flower and Garden Festival should be amazing; we are going on an adventure, just the two of us, and we always love that.  I hope as it approaches to get more excited.

For now, however, I am excited about what I have planned for tonight, so I need to get the hell off of this computer and upstairs to my shower.  I have some personal grooming to do...which should be interesting since my laser hair removal "consult" turned into "oh, ok, we can do that today?  Uhhhh, sure..."and I just got the hoo-ha zapped.  More on that adventure later...

happy

Ahhh, another holiday Monday.  I seriously wish ALL Mondays were holidays (would we all start hating Tuesdays?  Perhaps).  I am home and my Pea is in school so I have my ass parked in front of my computer.  I plan on getting up in a bit to go have lunch with her, and then after lunch some quality (wink wink) time with TheGuy.  I SHOULD be cleaning, organizing, paying some bills, shopping, and laundry, but none of that is fun, so I shall save it for another day.

Things with TheGuy are hilarious; he literally cracks me up, constantly.  I have had to start taking more asthma meds because every time I laugh I have an asthma attack, and neither one of us want me to die, or him to stop talking.  He "met" the family via Skype last night; he told his parents about me; I'm pretty sure we are officially dating...even if I refuse to call it that.  At least twice a day he asks me out(I think he likes seeing my cringe), every time I say no and tell him I'm not ready to date, and then we make out and say cheesy things to each other.  It's really quite disgusting...we keep this shit up and we will run off all our friends; I know I wouldn't want to hang out with us.  I think the computer just gagged while I was typing.

Switching gears, so I don't run you all off, a few shout outs and shares.

Spirit Dancer, Mom, HawaiiMom and DrCox:  Thanks for reading...and for the kind words and constant encouragement.

For TheGuy:
 










For the rest of you:

twitterpated

Regular readers have probably noticed I haven't written in a few weeks. 

I've been busy falling for a guy. 

Pining, daydreaming, and naughty texting, is very time consuming.  I have also been somewhat conflicted about whether or not to even write about him, or the budding relationship, out of fear that he would get upset, or not like having our stuff out there. 

Alas, my need to write overrode all that, and here I sit, typing away (and periodically naughty texting).  For now I will call him TheGuy.  We are in that brand new, mushy, and somewhat ridiculous phase, and loving it.  We are twitterpated...

 
Funny how everything in my life I can somehow relate to Disney....

I'm not sure why, but for some reason he not only tolerates me and my crazy life, but seems to actually like it.  I have put it all out there, been brutally honest, acted myself, and turned off the filter, and he is still around.  Usually I can run off a guy I like in a week, easy...it's been two and with each day, he appears to actually like me MORE.  Frightening.  We have agreed to NOT date, in fact he is not allowed to ask me out EVER again (yeah, he is the one that got the panicked phone call), and that somehow works for us.

He keeps me laughing, I keep him on his toes, and with any luck it will stay that way awhile.

all about the box

I got a really nice email this morning, and in it a compliment about my writing...I was flattered, and humbled.  I share because I need to process things for myself and because on some level I feel like I am doing something more than just taking up space.  If I am contributing I am not a failure.  I'm not curing cancer, or saving lives, but if I make someone laugh, or I help someone not feel alone, then at least I can feel some sense of accomplishment.  Getting positive feedback motivates me to write more, which ultimately helps me.  So thank you readers, for helping me feel whole, and because you requested I re-run this one, here ya go:  The Christmas of the Box.

July '08
Wow, I have actually been so busy the last few days I haven't been able to write...I actually had to work at work...imagine that.

So, on Thursday, I had to sit through a class on transporting hazardous goods...fun and games right? Well the instructor thought so.  He thought it was THE most exciting and interesting stuff EVER, the rest of us...not so much.  It did, however, make me remember this past Christmas, and I must share.

See, the instructor kept using the word BOX whenever he was referring to any kind of package at all; I swear he said it 52 times in the first few minutes. My mind can't help but veer off the straight and narrow, right into a ditch in naughty land, so I sat there thinking about the safe handling and transporting of vaginae, and my baby brother, and somehow managed NOT to laugh out loud.

I'll explain. 

December of last year, Smash, J, JJ and Boo are coming down to our house to celebrate Christmas...my parents decide they are going to just ship "all our presents" to my house. Every day for a week they call to ask if we "got the box?" and since I usually only talk to mom OR dad once or twice a month I figured this was one HELL of a box, with LOTS of good shit. About 4 days before Christmas we get THE BOX...it's about the size of a shoebox and it's drop shipped from Harry & David...WTF? This can't be it, this had to be an additional box, THE box must be late.

I call mom.

me: "hey there, got a box of somethin' from Harry & David"
mom: "OOOH GOOOD, you got your Christmas presents then"
me: "ummmm, ok, yeah, are they ALL in there, for EVERYONE?"
mom: "yes, yes, and don't open them until Smash and the boys get there"
me: "oh, ok, great...thanks so much!"

Meanwhile I am thinking, "its food, gourmet food, we have a 2, 4, and 6 yr old and it's Christmas - what is that?"

Smash, J, JJ & Boo arrive...I present the box. Smash starts laughing, J is wondering what the hell is so funny and the kids are maniacs because, of course, they think the box is filled with great stuff.  We open the box...inside the box is:

MORE BOXES...kid you not.

Five red boxes of assorted size, each one containing some heinous little food with a designer label.

Oh. My. Gawd.

There wasn't enough of any one thing to share amongst 7 people, and there were only 5 different things...let me see if I can remember what they were: fruit cake, fudge, baklava, raspberry cookie bar thing, and......oh who cares.

Anyway, we call mom and dad to "thank them" and they are just so damn proud...these are not 90 yr olds, they are not poor (anymore), and I'm fairly sure they know we have children. We are close to just letting it go and writing it off as our parents being clueless when we happen to ask what Youngest got. Big mistake...HUGE...

He got a box too.

A brand new box...and we are PISSED.

Mom and dad agreed to pay for him to get him a sex change.

J said: "So let me get this straight...the SEVEN of us got a BOX of Harry & David and your brother GOT A VAGINA?!"

And not just a vagina, but hormone treatments, laser hair removal, the works...that shit ain't cheap. Now, granted, my parents have never been big gift givers so it's not like we were expecting a whole lot, but if in order to get them to spend money on us we have to ask for new body parts...hmmm, I think I'll pass.  Granted, I would look pretty darn cute with a new nose, and after the baby and all the acne I could use some laser resurfacing, but a new box?  No thank you, I'm pretty happy with mine, I definitely don't need a new one.

To this day I can't see anything Harry & David without thinking of those little red boxes, and my brother's vagina.

did it

I did it!  The tree, and all the ornament boxes, are in the attic.  I am still not sure exactly how I managed, but I do know I ended up really hot, pretty pissed off, and a little exhausted...I also cussed out everyone from the designer of my house, to Jiminy Cricket, and everyone who ever had anything to do with Christmas, or the making of a Christmas tree.  I'm glad the Pea was playing at the neighbors house...no child should see (or hear) her mother like that.

I actually feel a pretty big sense of accomplishment, which indicates a clear lack of noteworthy achievements as of late, but oh well.  I got the damn thing put away; I can now get my house back together; I am happy about it. 

I am also happy to report that The Pea is actually sleeping...not screaming from the top of the stairs.  It is a beautiful thing.  Since I don't have anything else to report though, I will just share...I hope at least one makes you laugh.

f*%k!ng sleep

Well I managed to get all the ornaments off the Christmas tree.  My living room is filled with boxes, the now bare tree taunts me, and I have no more energy to deal with it tonight.  I'm still not sure how I am going to get the damn thing out of here.  It is 9 feet tall, I am just over 5...it weighs almost as much as I do.  I have a flight of stairs and a rickety drop stair to maneuver if I want it in the attic, a muddy lawn and spiders if I try and put it under the house.  I am considering throwing some hearts and bows on it and calling it a Valentines tree. 

Other than the naked tree taunting me, the weekend has been pretty awesome.  The weather was fantastic...a nice change from last year, and I was able to get outside and enjoy it.  I played 27 holes of golf and then spent the night drinking laughing around the bonfire with the neighbors.  I didn't have any more melt downs (it helped no one asked me out) and I had some good snuggle time with the Pea when she came home from her dad's.

Right now she is being a shit and won't go to sleep, though, which makes me think of the book Go the F**k to Sleep.  You have heard of this book right?  If you are a parent, or about to be one, you need this book.  My sister gave me a copy, but if you don't have a sister, or one as cool as mine, I would suggest ordering one for yourself...like now...it is hilarious, and universal, and I am going to go read mine so I can laugh instead of scream at my kid.
 
http://www.amazon.com/Go-F-Sleep-Adam-Mansbach/dp/1617750255

"The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep
I know you're not thirsty.  That's bullshit.  Stop lying.
Lie the f*ck down, my darling, and sleep."

...

"The flowers doze low in the meadows.
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I'm a shitty ass parent.
Stop f*cking with me, please, and sleep."



I just had to threaten her pillow pet with death because she is standing at the top of the stairs screaming that she NEEDS something ELSE...jeezus f*ck...hell, even is SHE isn't, I'M going to sleep.