day 1

Unemployment day 1.

I didn't think today would bother me...I figured, since I normally don't work on Friday, it would be like any other, and the reality wouldn't hit until Monday. Wrong. I am antsy as hell, really nervous, and feel overwhelmed with all there is to do. I need to file for unemployment, get my resume in order (where the hell IS my resume...I haven't seen it in 7 years...) start looking for jobs, make calls, get the word out, etc. etc. etc. I KNOW I don't need to do all this today, it just FEELS like I need to do it all today.

When I left work yesterday, drove out of the gate for the last time as an employee, I cried for a half an hour...I spent most of last weekend in denial...the beginning of the week pissed off as hell...and then as the reality of never getting up and going to work in that place, seeing those people again dawned, I just lost it. I was getting inundated with texts and calls and talked to a few of them, but I really just wanted to turn the radio up loud and drive. By the end of the two hour drive when I pulled into the parking lot of the Pea's school, I was at acceptance, I felt good, and I was ready to see my baby girl. I had Kings of Leon in the CD player and as we neared home "Use Somebody" started playing. The Pea knows all the words and was singing along, loud and off key, and it hit me...I have a really cool kid, a really great little person that is turning 4 in a few weeks and NOW an opportunity to hang out with her. I will be able to be at her birthday party at school, I will be able to do stuff in the afternoons with her instead of home and right to bed, I won't be so damn tired all the time and will be a better mommy to this really fun kid, who happens to have great taste in music.

We spent the night at my friend Betty's house...she knew I wouldn't want to be alone, and felt like we should be celebrating my new adventure, so she made me come over, fed me Mexican (which you all know is my favorite) and we toasted, over many margaritas, my new life. We toasted unemployment, time off to spend with my kid, doors opening that I don't even know about yet, and blessings in disguise. I crashed hard about 10pm and slept...actually slept, for the first time in I don't know how long...until 8am.

As I embark on my new "adventure" I am both nervous and excited...I KNOW it will all work out, I know I will end up in a better place and look back grateful...I know that the next few months that I am able to spend with the Pea will be some of the best of my life and ones I will cherish forever. I am nervous about the unknown, about the work involved to find a new job, about losing my motivation after a few weeks and getting down. I am excited that I will now have more time to write and to spend with friends and family...I am excited that this forces me to pursue some of the jobs and the opportunities that I haven't because of a lack of time (and by that I mean lack of courage conveniently written off as lack of time)...I am excited that I am excited. I didn't feel this way after losing the last two jobs...and I was younger and had less responsibility.

Ok...despite feeling like there is much to do, I am gonna go squeeze my kid instead...I am gonna get off this computer, start fresh on Monday with the job search, and just go out and enjoy the day. It is gorgeous outside, we should be out there...or at the very least: in the car, driving around, with the music up loud, singing off key.