the day

The Pea is still sound asleep...she had a big day yesterday. We had a great lunch at the beach, fun at the park, went shopping for her present, a party at her school, and then home, where she played with Dancergirl's little guy while Betty and I talked and drank wine.

Betty and I talked about the usual...work, men, kids, upcoming events, etc. I talked about Coach, since I finally got to see him in action, and then got to spend time with him on Monday night, she talked mostly about work since she has been so busy with hers, and we both talked about having little girls.

I think we get the kids we are meant to parent...I think our kids teach and mold us as much (if not more) than we do them. I always thought boys would be better, easier to parent, and more my speed and yet I cannot imagine having anything BUT a little girl at this point. She is my pal, my bud, my mini me, who I get to parent the way I wish I had been. She is the age now that I was when mom left B. With every new age and stage I think back to my childhood and try to make sure that I do a better job than they did...I am far from perfect, but I would like to think I learned enough to not make the SAME mistakes. I am a fairly strict parent, and firm, and it kills me sometimes to NOT give into her because I want her to be happy; it is days like yesterday that I realize the stuff that really makes her happy, and saying no to candy or more TV is ok. The things she got MOST excited about yesterday: ranch dressing, new pjs, the park, seeing me hang upside down on the monkey bars (which gotta say kinda made my day too, it has been YEARS since I did that), presents in the mail, reading new books, sleeping in my bed.

The other night, in a conversation with DH, he indicated that the Pea was forever "damaged" by our divorce, and used me and my life as an example of what divorced parents do to a kid and boy did I get mad...I am still mad, and he doesn't understand why. I think as humans we are all to some extent "damaged" although I HATE that word...there is not one person on this planet over the age of two that hasn't been hurt, betrayed, let down, or abandoned in some way, and every time that happens it changes us. Every heartbreak forces us to grow...some it makes bitter and cold, others it makes more grateful for future triumph. DH indicated that for the Pea it is over...no matter what we do or how we parent now, she is screwed, and if we had stayed together that wouldn't be the case...HELL. NO. I started to point to examples of screwed up people all over the place whose parents stayed together (I used him as one) but then stopped cuz I thought "what is the point?" It has become painfully obvious that some people, he included, just don't get it. It isn't about yesterday or a year ago or what happens TO us that matters, but rather today, right now and what we DO...what we choose now. The stuff that happens to us, especially the bad, sucks...especially if we lose someone we love, but giving up, labeling oneself damaged, and sitting out the rest of life waiting to die?

When Jojo came into work after losing her son she said to me "Yeah I am hurting...I am hurt and mad and sad, but I have to honor the day...I have to accept that God saw fit for ME to still be here so I have to honor Him and be thankful for the day, put one foot in front of the other, and move through it." I will NEVER forget that. Yesterday the Pea and I honored the day...it wasn't the perfect four year old birthday I had imagined for her back when she was first born and I was determined to give her the life I didn't have...the one with pony rides, and a pretty dress, and two parents madly in love doting on her, but it was good enough, and she was happy.

Plus, I got to swing on the swings and hang upside down on the monkey bars, which I now highly recommend to all of you out there who haven't done it in awhile. You might wanna borrow a kid if you don't have one of your own, cuz showing up on a playground by yourself could get you pegged as "damaged"...as one who is though, I must say: it isn't all that bad.