getting there

The Pea is with her daddy again tonight. I just got off the phone with her and I miss her. Sunday nights are always nice, hectic and a little crazy, but nice, and it just isn't the same without her here. I am planning on getting some stuff done, stuff I never ended up doing yesterday, so it is probably a good thing she isn't here, but still sad about it and missing her.

So had a nice night last night. Went out with Gigi and the girls, did the whole grown up bar scene. I had fun, I can almost always have fun, regardless of where I go or who I am out with, but I realized last night how NOT cool I am. I was standing in the middle of the young, hip, rich crowd like a deer in headlights. On one hand I would like to think I could fit in, but on the other, why? I am who I am, and it's probably high time I faced the music. I am a single mom, almost 35 years old, I'm not young, hip or rich...I can't afford $15 drinks or designer clothes. I would like to get to where I could afford all the finer things, they are nice after all, but I am finding the things I enjoy the most aren't things...I am starting to really connect with people, and make friends and those connections are what get me through and bring me happiness.

For the first time in my life I have girlfriends, I have a circle of women that I feel comfortable with, that I like hanging out with, that I talk to everyday, and I really like. Even my relationship with Smash has gotten deeper and more real. This journey I have been on the last year, this finding myself, learning how to love, learning how to be open and honest has been excruciating. It is hard to break down walls that have been up for 30years, open old wounds so they can heal properly, learn to love and trust and be open when you never have...it is hard, but it is worth it. I thought when I started all this it was just about being a good mom, I am finding out it is about being a better person. The person I want to be is not just a good mom, but a good person, a great friend, and a good partner...the person I strive to be is open, honest, loving, caring, genuine, loyal, faithful, and happy...free from all the drama and negativity that has dominated my life for so long, and willing to take chances on and rely on other people, even if it means I could get my heart broken.

Ya know, this life of mine is far from ideal, I miss my kid all the time, have all kinds of guilt, and while I know I am getting there, I am far from that great girl I strive to be...the great thing? I am finally enjoying the ride.