sunday

Had the gift of an extra hour last night and did I use it? NO, of course not, should have gotten an extra hour of sleep or maybe cleaned the house, or who knows what, but what did I do, I laid in bed, wide awake. The Pea slept in this morning too, and instead of being asleep with her, I was laying in bed waiting for her to get up...willing her to stay in bed so I could sleep, but not asleep myself. So it's Sunday, we will do our doughnut run soon, get some shopping done, and because tomorrow is the Pea's birthday I will spend the day getting ready for that, and for the week. Busy week coming up, between birthday stuff and work and now one of my girlfriends is having surgery...I think it will be a good thing, me busy, because I have had some "stuff" come up that I know I need to deal with, and don't know how to yet.

The other night watching Grey's Anatomy, I remembered being five, spending countless hours in the hospital with B. I remember following him everywhere, watching, learning, reading...I was going to follow in his footsteps, I was going to be a doctor. Well of course that didn't happen, in his eyes I am a big fat failure, and now I can't go in a hospital without having a panic attack. The panic attacks started when I was twelve, coincidentally (or not), that was when I last saw B. They are better now, since having the Pea...I still will have one from time to time, but they aren't as bad, and I know when they are coming so I will generally find a place to sit down before passing out. Ya know, it's funny, I didn't have a single one when I was in the hospital for her birth, hmmm.

Ok, anyway...watching the show, remembering that time, made me think of B, and a whole host of emotions came bubbling up that I thought I had long since stomped down. I realized that I hadn't dealt with the pain of him choosing to not be in my life, but rather ignored it, and apparently NOW I am ready to deal with it. I guess I am finally strong enough, and in a safe enough place, that I can go there. In the episode, the Chief apologizes to Meridith, and then says that all the apologies in the world don't change things, and he knows that. I guess I want an apology too...I want to know that he "gets" what he did to me and Smash. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I know I can work out my stuff without it happening, MiMi will help with that, but now it's on the radar, and regardless of HOW I work through it, I know I have to work through it.

I have one more hurdle to jump before I can jump into another relationship. It's a little scary, I have spent so long pretending it didn't matter, HE didn't matter, that now to admit it does and I am not "over" it...well I guess it "proves" I'm broken, proves I have issues. I am a cliche, one of those silly girls with daddy issues that chooses inappropriate men and drinks too much and pretends it's all ok. YUCK...yuck, yuck, yuck...I don't want to be a cliche, I don't want to be one of those girls, I don't want to be because that is not who I want the Pea to have as a mom.

Anyway, the Pea just ran in and announced her show was over and she wanted a "punkin doyut," so we are off, and for now, I will try not to think about anything other than coffee and pumpkin doughnuts.