birth

Gigi and Tarheel have a baby on the way...three babies have been born into my work family in the last month, and we have 2 more (that we know of) on the way...since I promised a story today and have been surrounded by all things baby lately, I thought I would share my birth story. OK, not MY birth, the Pea's, or as much of it as I can remember, and don't worry I'll skip most of the ooky stuff.

I was four days overdue and pissed off as hell about it. Two weeks earlier I decided I was ready, she was cooked, and I wanted to get the show on the road...unfortunately for me, nothin' was happening. I was walking everywhere I could, including the golf course, playing nine holes at a time whenever I got the chance, and molesting DH whenever he would allow it cuz sex and walking were SUPPOSED to move things along. I think some crazy male doctor made that shit up to get his wife to f*ck him and then go for a long walk and get out of his hair...regardless, if you had told me standing on my head singing would bring on labor I would have propped myself upside down in a corner and belted out tunes all day, taking breaks every five minutes to eat and pee.

Somewhere around 10pm I started getting contractions...I had just molested DH and good and he was sacked out next to me, snoring. I tried to go to sleep cuz all the books tell you it is going to be a long road and you need to store up your energy blah blah blah...at that point they were coming about every ten minutes apart and while slightly uncomfortable, not hard at all to deal with. Ok, fast forward a few hours...NO sleep, still timing, still ten minutes apart, DH still sacked out snoring. I decided to go downstairs and walk, again cuz I was told it would make things move quicker. My house at the time was fairly large and you could make a circle from the family room, through the hall, through the dining room, into the kitchen, around the island and back to the family room, and I did...about ten thousand times. I walked from around midnight to 5am while my contractions went from 10 to 8 to 5 minutes apart.

I decided, around 5am, to let DH and mom (she was in town for the birth) know I was in labor. My plan was to labor at home as long as I could stand it, get to the hospital and be told I was 8 cm dilated and have that baby popped out before I could think about it...ah ha hahahahh aha aha hahh aha ha ah ahahahhahhahhha...best laid plans. Ok, so I was in labor, contractions were about 5 minutes apart, and I realized there were going to be all kinds of people seeing me naked and spread eagle and the least I could do is make sure I was clean, smellin' nice, and shaved. I waddled upstairs to the shower and attempted, between contractions, to get my legs, underarms, and she-she hair free, get my hair washed, and kill about an hour. May sound silly, but looking back, and knowing what I know about the 3 days after the birth when I was unable to do any of the above, I am actually damn glad I went to all that trouble. So, now it is about 6am, the contractions were still about 5 minutes apart but they were getting longer and stronger and I called the doctor and my doula (a hired birth coach, who I would have paid a million dollars to if I could have) to tell them I was in labor.

It was 6am, so of course I got the doctor's answering service, and of course since I wasn't screeching they didn't page her 911, so by the time she called back (an hour later) my contractions were about 2 minutes apart and despite wanting to stay home she told me to get my ass to the hospital and she would meet me there. I HATE HOSPITALS...that bears repeating: I HATE HOSPITALS...lemme say that one more time for effect cuz really, I don't think you understand: I HATE HOSPITALS...by the time I got there however, I was in so much pain, and so ready to be there that I was GLAD they admitted me. GLAD. Here is the sucky part: despite my contractions now coming 2 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute I was ONLY 2 cm dilated (for the guys: you have to get to 10). I spent the next 10 hours stuck in a hateful place in which the Pea, "sunny side up" proceeded to press her little skull against my spine, instead of cervix, every 2 minutes for about a minute at a time. The result was: I felt like I was getting run over by a truck every other minute, and was NOT dilating.

According to DH: I moaned, said "Oh jeezus" and yelled at him to rub my back HARDER, HARDER even though he was, he thought, beating the hell out of me. I have a potty mouth like you read about...I say f*ck not just daily, but hourly...I like words like wh%re, c$nty, b#tch, and g-damn...how I went all that time without a SINGLE cuss word still confounds me to this day. I don't go ANY 12 hour period of time without, throw in pain and being in a place I hate to be, still not sure how that happened.

OK, so there I was, in so much pain I couldn't think, and the doctor told me things were not progressing and I should consider a C-section and I asked for an epidural "So I can have a break and think." I had not wanted an epidural and had told the doula to discourage it if I asked, but by the time I asked EVERYONE wanted me to get one, and despite it not working the first time and having to get it fixed, by the time it did kick in: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, SWEET RELIEF. To this day I am in love with the anesthesiologist (no, not really, but I could be).

ONE HOUR, ONE M*THRF%CKING HOUR later I was fully dilated. Took +- 20 hours to go 2cm and then one hour to go the rest...unreal. I laid there about 45 minutes, getting my bearings and getting ready (yes, despite thinking I was ready, once I actually was, I still kinda freaked out). I pushed for 45 minutes and then at 10:15 pm the Pea was born.

It was all surreal and amazing and all those other cliche things people say, and looking back I know no matter how it went down, it would have been worth it. I am healthy, the Pea is healthy, and despite a few changes to my body that still baffle me, the changes to my mind are what I am most thankful for. Having the Pea changed the way I think about EVERYTHING...and I am so glad...next time though, (if there is one) I will be calling for my epidural on the drive to the hospital.