writing out loud

I just got back from picking up the Pea, and something amazing happened that I felt like I needed to share. DH and I talked...actually talked, without getting angry, without yelling...I felt like he listened and heard me, and he felt (I think) like I empathized and saw his point of view (which I did).

It all started because of yesterday's blog post. A few who read it, went to DH, and he was pissed because I "slammed him" and embarrassed him and ya know, he had every right to be. Perhaps I shouldn't have written about my frustrations...perhaps I should have been a big enough person to pick up the phone and call him and talk to him...well I wasn't...I wasn't because very few times over the last 14 years have I been able to express to him, either in person or on the phone, when I was upset or frustrated. Whenever I have been, he has either dismissed it, or we have had a fight about it. The blog became the place where I actually felt heard (and yes, I realize that sounds bizarre) and often times I was able to express how I felt through writing, better than I ever could through speech.

Yesterday's post, even though he never read it, allowed us to start a dialog that would have otherwise gone unsaid. I would probably have continued to be resentful, and we would have both continued to be passive aggressive and shitty to each other...instead we sat in my car, in a parking lot, in the pouring rain...we talked, and we cried, and we actually communicated. We resolved issues, and made promises to each other to put the Pea first, and to, no matter what, make sure she is taken care of. I'm glad I wrote that post...I'm glad because today DH and I came together as parents and proved we could work together for the sake of our kid, proved we could trust each other, and be empathetic toward one another, and without that post: I honestly don't know if it ever would have happened.

When I first took this blog public I was terrified of my mother's response to it. There were a few posts about my mom...frustrations I had that I had never expressed to her, things I was afraid to say to her. To some people I was "slamming" her, much the same way it appeared I was slamming DH. Turns out those posts allowed my mom to "hear" me and process on her own time, in her own way, and make her way back to me so we could talk. My mom and I still struggle sometimes (like now...mom, please come back, we were doing so good...I love you and I love Youngest, and I miss you both like crazy...please) but we are able to connect now like we were never able to before, and it is because of this blog.

Sometimes it isn't what we say that hurts the people we love the most, it is the things we don't say...it is the things we leave unsaid that build resentment, build walls, and close us off to one another...and because I often struggle to say things out loud, I will continue to write them...and I hope that it continues to bring me closer to the people I care about.

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say (8x)

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say (8x)

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say...

-John Mayer