no regrets

Ever have one of those days that get away from you and before you know it it is the next day? Well, that was my yesterday...I never had a chance to write, didn't do my Sh*t That Doesn't S#ck, didn't return any emails, or even check Facebook...oh well. It is a new day, here I am.

Jojo is burying her son today. To write something funny, or silly, just seems wrong, but I felt like I had to write, and while I have been blowing up my journal and my other blog with words for days, they are pissed off, sad, questioning words that if I were to go back and read, probably wouldn't make much sense.

Jojo and I work together in "snackland" and every Tuesday and Thursday are the only ones in the office from 7-8am. We use that time to catch up and talk, and have often referred to those hours as "our therapy." We are a lot alike in that neither of us have a censor,we pretty much wear our heart on our sleeve, and we say exactly what we are thinking when we are thinking it. It is pretty scary, being that way...putting yourself out there, without a filter...you are bound to face rejection, heartbreak, and criticism. Sometimes you offend, only to realize it afterwards, and you beat yourself for days because you never meant to...sometimes you tell someone how great they are, or that you really like them (or *GASP* love them) and they shy away because they, for whatever reason, don't think you should...and sometimes you just annoy because not everyone likes to hear the truth. More often than not though you end up able to have better relationships with those who DO choose to be in your life because they are rarely left wondering where they stand. I would venture to say that everyone I love in one way or another knows it, because I tell them. Everyone who I enjoy being around and spending time with knows it, because I make an effort to do so, and while I may not be able to do for others all that I want to, or spend as much time with those that I want to, they know they are important to me.

Does it always go both ways? Nope, sure doesn't. Have I felt the sting of rejection, or been left wondering what I did wrong? Oh yeah, many times. One thing I have learned as a parent though, that I have carried over into all my other relationships, is that love can be one sided and that is ok...more than ok. My daughter didn't come out of the womb loving me, but I was in love with her before I ever saw her or held her. My daughter was helpless as an infant and "did" nothing to show she appreciated or loved me, but it certainly didn't make me question my value in her life or whether or not she needed me. She wasn't able to say "I love you" or show affection until she was older, yet it didn't stop me from saying it to her, or giving her affection. What I learned from loving her is that the joy comes from the giving, the receiving is a bonus, and if you hold back on the giving you are only cheating yourself. If you hold back on the saying until you know you will hear it back, you may end up never getting a chance to say it, and only YOU will regret that. If you hold back at all, until tomorrow, until you are sure, until you can guarantee you won't get hurt, you will just end up lonely.

Jojo and I both have scared off, or pissed off, our fair share of people with our mouths, and so have a few regrets...what we don't regret is that there are a lot MORE people we have made to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and cared for. Plenty of people leave this planet not knowing they were loved, not knowing they were appreciated...they leave never knowing how funny, well liked, or respected they were. Jojo's son wasn't one of them...he may have never had a chance to say goodbye, but he knew he was loved, and those in his life knew he loved them because he was enough like his mom to let them know. If only we could all get out of our own way and let down our guard enough to be like that...

Jojo, I love you...but you already knew that.