crossed signals

I was driving home tonight, and on the radio came a little blurb about "octomom" which made me think of Angelina, which made me think about Brad, which made me think about George Clooney, which made me horny. I was driving down the interstate at just under 80mph, and despite becoming rather adept and efficient at getting myself off (as I have gone longer than any adult human should without sex) I can't for the life of me figure out how there is any way possible to rub the bug, in the car, with jeans on, on my drive home. It would be rather cool if I could swing it, cuz two hours in a car, alone, can get rather boring, and how better to pass the time, but I don't wanna be that woman who tied up traffic on the interstate cuz I caused a 10 car pileup with my hand down my pants.

Ok, so obviously I am a horn dog, with no relief in sight, and in an effort to "put myself out there" I have been checking out some of the more popular "webzines" that are all about dating, relationships, and sex. Baby steps folks...I REALIZE sitting in front of the computer, by myself, in my pajamas, after the Pea has gone to bed is not TECHNICALLY out there, but I am getting some good pointers. One of the sights I check periodically is TheFrisky.com...you have heard me rave...John DeVore is awesome at allowing a little peek into the male mind, and Amelia has started dating again after an awful breakup and since I see her as a younger, hotter, slightly cooler, version of myself, I am living vicariously through her and her dating escapades. Well, anyway...the other day they picked up on an article that had run in Men's Health which gave men "sure fire signs a woman is into them." Ah ha, hahahh haha haha ahhhh hahahahahahhaha...O.M.G. I was practically laughing out loud reading, because if they are the signs that I am into someone, I am INTO all the men and most of the women I work with, my neighbor (who is a retired lady, btw), a random dude at Buffalo Wild Wings, and the teacher of the 4 yr old class at the Pea's school.

According to the article if; when a guy asks the time, you answer with anything OTHER than the time...a guy looks into your eyes for longer than what seems normal, and you hold his gaze...or, you accept a compliment with a smile and a thank you...you are totally IN.TO.HIM. Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh, ok.

Usually when someone asks me the time, while I am pulling up my sleeve to look at my watch, I make a joke...if I am at work it is something to the effect of "time to go to lunch" or "time to get the hell out of here" and if that means I am into the asker, I am sooooo in love with my office mate (who happens to be a 60something grandma). If an attractive guy asks me the time, I am usually so focused on making sure I tell him the CORRECT time, cuz I don't want to make an ass out of myself, I stick to just that, the time.

The whole gaze thing...nope...sorry, nuh uh. I am one of those people who looks into the eyes of ANYONE I am talking to...I think it shows respect, and that you are listening...I also happen to just like eyes, and like looking into them...I make a POINT of looking into the eyes of people in authority whenever they are talking to me, and if that is translating into "I wanna f*ck you," there are three bosses and a chick in accounting I probably need stop lookin' in the eye...oopsie.

OK, the last, and definitely MOST absurd, the compliment deal. If smiling and accepting a compliment with a thank you means "lets go bump our naughty parts" I am IN TROUBLE, cuz there are girls all over the state who have complimented me on various shoes and clothing, my hair, my glasses, you name it, and I ALWAYS answer (looking into their eyes no less, OMG) with a smile and a thank you. There are men who vary in age from 20-80 who have complimented my golf swing, my writing, my potty mouth, my back muscles...not to mention my assorted other parts, and YES, I know a few WERE hitting on me, and YES there have been a few over the years I was "into" when I responded with the smile and the thank you, but GOOD GOD PEOPLE...SERIOUSLY!? WTF.

Sounds like I am gonna have to get myself in check...I mean, I know I am desperate, but I had no idea I was sending signals to the entire state of North Carolina...and I knew I was out of practice with the whole single scene, and how to send a signal and play the game, but wow...wow, and next time I compliment someone and they smile, does that mean they wanna do me? If a dude holds my gaze, should I just jump him right there? Something to ponder while I drive tomorrow morning...long as I don't start thinking about Mr. Clooney...who BTW could ask me the time and compliment me on...well hell, pretty much anything, and I don't care HOW I react, I would soooo want to bump naughties with.