new normal

Don't much feel like writing, but I don't much feel like doing anything else either and I am hoping it will make me feel better. Been a tough day...played golf with the girls and the Pea this morning in an attempt to have a some normalcy. Of course, when on the first tee one of them asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears, I couldn't very well keep the evenings events to myself. Turns out it was good to tell them, they didn't get weird, didn't tell me I was crazy, just gave me hugs and asked if there was anything they could do.

I think a part of me was hoping to come home, find him here and have a knock down, drag out fight...that would be our normal, and sometimes normal is better than good. I came home to a note instead, no harsh words, no blame, just "here's what we need to do, goodbye." I'm paraphrasing obviously, but there was a finality to it that I hadn't expected. I'm sad...sad, and terrified, and completely unsure of what to do.

The Pea is oblivious of course, just figures daddy's been workin' or playing golf...I figure the best thing for her is to try and maintain her schedule best I can, but I'm sad because I know she won't get to do all the things I had planned for her. Instead of the country club life, the camps and the vacations she will be spending lots of time hangin' with mom...I hope I'm enough. I hope DH and I can still be the parents we planned on being when we decided to have her, even if we can't give her the same life. I hope when we get this behind us our new normal is happy, regardless of where we are or what our life is like.