what now

Well, I thought I was going to be writing about my girl crush...it was gonna be one of those fun posts. Went to yoga tonight and took a class I usually don't, with an instructor I have never had, and I absolutely LOVED her. First off she is beautiful; tall, blond, thin, soft spoken...the complete opposite of me, and secondly the class was AMAZING. So I developed one of my girl crushes (NO, NOT LIKE THAT!...me still likey the woody)...anyway, so I was going to go on and on about all my past girl crushes and how one actually led to some smoochin' but now I just can't, it's just not that funny because somehow telling DH about my yoga class (and I didn't even mention the whole girl crush thing!) set him off...he's gone. Packed a bag, took his clothes, told me he was done. We went from talking about yoga to talking about me and how great I was doing and how happy I was and the next thing I knew...

I'm still kinda in shock...it wasn't exactly a total surprise, but I thought we were having a good night. Ya know Smash warned me that the whole not drinking thing might actually make things worse...she said he may flip out and not like the fact that I was all clear and sober and happy, and g-damn she was right! WTF?!

I called a girlfriend and told her, I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to have to explain, or ruin people's nights, or make them uncomfortable. I don't want to intrude on other people's lives with this mess that is mine...I will tell Smash tomorrow...if I tell her tonight she will worry and she has to get up at 5 for work. Can't do that to her, especially since I am not even quite sure what to tell her. I mean, he said he was done, but we've done this before...so is he really? Just the other day he FINALLY agreed to go to counseling, is that still gonna happen? I dunno...and if he does, could it help?...again, I dunno.

I know I am just babbling, probably not making any sense at all, but I just need to write, I need to process and try to work it out in my own head what I'm feeling. On one hand, great, finally, finally I can get on with my life...on the other - OMG! WTF? How the hell is this going to play out? I have so much to think about and I don't want to think about anything. Does this mean I can go back on the booze, after all not much need for clarity on something that no longer exists right? UCK

I have to quit the club...I have to leave my friends and support system, the only family the Pea has ever had here...I may have to move two hours away to find a job...the Pea will have to go to daycare...O.M.G.

F*CK, F*CK, F*CK...I will be twice divorced...TWICE, everyone gets a bye, everyone understands one, but two, TWO...there's a stigma there, I am damaged goods, and I have a kid. How's that gonna go when I finally get this all behind me and want to move on with another man. It's hard enough finding someone your attracted to that's also attracted to you, trying to get him to overlook all your baggage - HOLY SHIT, and then what if, miracle of all miracles you manage to find one, how will it play out when he takes you home to meet the family?...your sittin' there stuffing your face with dessert and meanwhile he's in the kitchen having this conversation with his mom or sister:

her: "So, she seems pretty nice, you obviously like her, she likes you...but a kid? Are you sure you are ready to take on someone else's kid - that's pretty big."
him: "Yeah, I know."
her: "I mean, you know I love you, I want you to be happy, I'm not telling you what to do or anything, I just hope she's with you because she wants to be, not because she needs a new baby daddy."
him: "Very funny, she's not like that."
her: "Well, two divorces, that's not a great track record...just be careful."

And of course two days later you get the "lets just be friends, I love you but..." and your starting from scratch tryin' to find a great guy, who will take on you and all your baggage, who loves kids, and who doesn't have any family...OK, so maybe THAT'S a little extreme...but I could soooo see it happening.

Oh boy...what now?