ducks and money

Feelin' pretty good today...just got back from a walk around the pond with the Pea and the dog...both enjoyed the ducks immensely, although for different reasons. The Pea likes to feed them, the dog likes to chase them...works beautifully, she entices them with the Cheerios, and then when they get close enough to actually eat them the dog goes nutty and chases them away...if it weren't so mean it would be funny. Been pretty lazy overall today, other than the walk...my house is trashed (as usual) and I really don't care. Had a great day yesterday...a good session with Mimi and then a movie and a few beers with a girlfriend. Saw Confessions Of A Shopaholic, wouldn't recommend...it was fine for a rainy Friday afternoon with nothing else to do, but otherwise pretty silly and predictable. The great thing, however, was it kinda helped me put in perspective what I had just talked about in my session with Mimi and I have felt pretty good about it ever since.

See, I have been pissed off as hell at DH, because of a recent financial issue, and since it hasn't resolved and is, in fact, just getting worse, I am losing the show. For me, being in debt and not having total control of money brings up all kinds of major issues...when you grow up really poor, and you know it, and you have actually spent time homeless and hungry, whenever things get a little bit scary, that is where your mind goes. And while I know, right now, I have enough friends and family to NOT let that happen, I can't get my gut to stop turning in knots. I can't help that helpless feeling and because it is in part due to DH, I can't help hating him and wanting to run over him with my car.

Mimi encouraged me to get it all out in the office and rant and cuss like a mad woman (which I did) because running over DH would not solve the problem, and would probably just make things worse. She pointed out that a: hospital bills would only add to our current pile of debt and just piss me off more, b: I do not look good in orange or shackles, and c: I just got my car back all nice and pretty and would not want another big, fat dent. I begrudgingly agreed, and proceeded to stomp and scream and say f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, and get all (ok, most) of my anger out in her cozy little office...good times.

Seeing the girl in the movie work herself out of her mess (with the help of family and friends, although in an admittedly stupid Hollywood way) got me thinking about ways I can do the same. Unfortunately, I don't have a whole closet full of designer clothes I can sell, but with tenacity and ingenuity I think I can do it...I hope I can do it. In the meantime I can suck it up and realize I am doing pretty great right now considering...

And hell, if we get to where we can't afford groceries, instead of running over DH, I can just run over one of those ducks, cook him up for dinner...

No? Not a good idea? Damn...