It's Christmas Eve...I am supposed to be packing. The Pea and I are headed up north tomorrow to see the family, play in the snow, and get away from here. Not that things here have been bad, on the contrary, the past week has been great, but a trip out of town will make it even better. This is my first holiday season in TWENTY years that I haven't had a lover, boyfriend, or husband...I thought it would be harder. The Pea is with her dad, and I expected tonight to be awful. I thought I would be drunk by now, watching some ridiculous chick flick and sobbing, and while I did cry a little saying goodnight to the Pea, I haven't had a bit to drink, and I've been watching tv while doing laundry. I am enjoying the peace and quiet and time to myself to reflect and think.
I got to fly the other day, and for a frustrated non-flying pilot like myself, there could not have been a better present. I got the best birthday and best Christmas presents ever, both in the same year. I was sitting in the right seat, expecting only to make a few radio calls, maybe a turn or two and the next thing I knew the airplane was mine. As we started our descent I kept expecting to have to give the airplane back, and while I didn't exactly have total control (or land center line) I made a decent landing. As we turned off the runway onto the taxiway I couldn't help but think how much like great sex it was...my legs were shaking, my heart beating, I was sweaty and exhilarated and happy...I swear I didn't come off that high for hours. If I just had an extra $3 million lyin' around to buy an airplane I wouldn't ever need a man again...hmmmm.
Yeah, not so much...while I think this time by myself is a good thing, and I am enjoying it, I do hope by next year to have a man in my life. I want to have someone to spend the holidays with...to help me put up the tree (and take it down), to dance with on my birthday, to make love to on Christmas Eve, to kiss at midnight on New Year's. If this year has taught me anything though, it's that not having a man for all of it, is better than having one that isn't right for me...
Well on that note, I guess I'll sign off...off to pack, get some sleep and get ready for the battle that is flying commercial with a three year old in tow...and with all that, it's probably a good thing I don't have anyone to make love to tonight.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
best present ever
I got the best birthday present EVER a few hours ago and wanted to write it down so I would never forget. I took my baby girl out to dinner and as the waiter brought out a strawberry shortcake for us to share (she ordered) the Pea broke out with (all by herself)...
"Happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day MOMMY, happy boo-day to you...(both arms up) YAY!"
O.M.G.
"Happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day MOMMY, happy boo-day to you...(both arms up) YAY!"
O.M.G.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
the perfect hump day
I'm at work, after taking the morning off to see the Pea perform in her school Christmas show. Wow, it is amazing what an extra few hours in the day can do...I had a nice relaxing morning, took my time getting ready and getting the Pea to school, went for coffee, and was able to sit down and enjoy it, which was great, and I don't think anyone here even missed me...wish I could work half days every day.
Anyway...O.M.G. two, three, and four year olds singing and dancing, ridiculously cute. Of course the start of the show is something akin to herding chickens, but once they all settled in, took their places and started singing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. One two year old in particular, she happened to be the tiniest child there, threw down to Jingle Bells in what can only be described as a LOL booty dance...one of the three year olds picked her nose, and I mean went to town diggin', during the entire second verse of Santa Clause is Coming to Town, and then studied what she had excavated during the third...and one of the four year olds cried the entire time for his mom, who was standing in the audience taking pictures and saying "smile honey, it's ok, mommy's right here!"
DH was there, which was great for the Pea, and what I have always wanted for her (both her parents involved) but was a little uncomfortable for me. I think we were both trying to be on our best behavior, be nice for the Pea's sake, he even complimented me as we were leaving, he said I looked pretty. I had put a little extra into my appearance this morning, both for the show and because I was going to get my license renewed and didn't want another HEINOUS picture like last time, but having him recognize it and compliment me felt strange. I don't think either of us have complimented or even spoke nicely to each other in a year. It's funny, just a few years ago, I would have given my right arm for a compliment, to hear that I "looked pretty," now, while it's nice, it doesn't have the same effect. I used to NEED compliments to feel good, now they are just icing.
So yeah...speaking of the dreaded drivers license renewal...got mine done today and it was rather painless. I drive by a DMV every day on my way to work, it's about ten minutes from here and it is always way less crowded than the ones in town where I live. Knowing I would have some time to kill after the show and before I needed to get here I planned to stop today so I wouldn't be driving around with an expired license for who knows how long. I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN LINE WHEN I GOT THERE...granted I still had to wait, I think there is a rule that even if there is no one ahead of you and an employee is available they make you, just to keep you on your toes. I didn't care, cuz the last few times I have tried, I walked in and right back out because there were at least two dozen people ahead of me. Well, long story short, the extra time on my hair and the application of makeup paid off because UNLIKE last time, my picture this time is NOT heinous. It isn't good, but it isn't heinous...as far as I'm concerned, that new license can be the ONLY new thing I get for my birthday, and it will be enough.
Anyway...O.M.G. two, three, and four year olds singing and dancing, ridiculously cute. Of course the start of the show is something akin to herding chickens, but once they all settled in, took their places and started singing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. One two year old in particular, she happened to be the tiniest child there, threw down to Jingle Bells in what can only be described as a LOL booty dance...one of the three year olds picked her nose, and I mean went to town diggin', during the entire second verse of Santa Clause is Coming to Town, and then studied what she had excavated during the third...and one of the four year olds cried the entire time for his mom, who was standing in the audience taking pictures and saying "smile honey, it's ok, mommy's right here!"
DH was there, which was great for the Pea, and what I have always wanted for her (both her parents involved) but was a little uncomfortable for me. I think we were both trying to be on our best behavior, be nice for the Pea's sake, he even complimented me as we were leaving, he said I looked pretty. I had put a little extra into my appearance this morning, both for the show and because I was going to get my license renewed and didn't want another HEINOUS picture like last time, but having him recognize it and compliment me felt strange. I don't think either of us have complimented or even spoke nicely to each other in a year. It's funny, just a few years ago, I would have given my right arm for a compliment, to hear that I "looked pretty," now, while it's nice, it doesn't have the same effect. I used to NEED compliments to feel good, now they are just icing.
So yeah...speaking of the dreaded drivers license renewal...got mine done today and it was rather painless. I drive by a DMV every day on my way to work, it's about ten minutes from here and it is always way less crowded than the ones in town where I live. Knowing I would have some time to kill after the show and before I needed to get here I planned to stop today so I wouldn't be driving around with an expired license for who knows how long. I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN LINE WHEN I GOT THERE...granted I still had to wait, I think there is a rule that even if there is no one ahead of you and an employee is available they make you, just to keep you on your toes. I didn't care, cuz the last few times I have tried, I walked in and right back out because there were at least two dozen people ahead of me. Well, long story short, the extra time on my hair and the application of makeup paid off because UNLIKE last time, my picture this time is NOT heinous. It isn't good, but it isn't heinous...as far as I'm concerned, that new license can be the ONLY new thing I get for my birthday, and it will be enough.
Monday, December 15, 2008
two things
Don't really have the brain power for a witty or even sorta well thought out posting so just gonna comment on two things...
One, George W. gettin' shoes thrown at his head. I heard the story on my ride into work this morning...they said he got pegged in the head with the shoes (thrown by an Iraqi reporter, in case you hadn't heard), and while it struck me as ridiculously funny and I was laughing out loud, I have learned you can't always believe everything you hear on the radio. So, I watched the video, and well, he didn't actually get pegged, he ducked, and while it was still pretty damn funny, the thought occurred, "WTF? The secret service are supposed to stop BULLETS and they couldn't stop a SECOND shoe from flying across the room." It's a good thing ol' GW is still pretty spry...
Ok, two, every week after the doughnut run the Pea and I do our weekly shopping...would it be easier to do it without her, of course, but it isn't an option so I take her, I make do, and since I am getting more creative with the discipline and she is getting better behaved it really isn't that bad. Well, I had to call DH today to sort out some stuff and when I asked if he had time to talk he said "Yeah, I'm just at the store, it's IMPOSSIBLE to shop with the Pea so I'm doing it now before I pick her up." Oh really? I wouldn't know...
That's all I got, just wanted to share.
One, George W. gettin' shoes thrown at his head. I heard the story on my ride into work this morning...they said he got pegged in the head with the shoes (thrown by an Iraqi reporter, in case you hadn't heard), and while it struck me as ridiculously funny and I was laughing out loud, I have learned you can't always believe everything you hear on the radio. So, I watched the video, and well, he didn't actually get pegged, he ducked, and while it was still pretty damn funny, the thought occurred, "WTF? The secret service are supposed to stop BULLETS and they couldn't stop a SECOND shoe from flying across the room." It's a good thing ol' GW is still pretty spry...
Ok, two, every week after the doughnut run the Pea and I do our weekly shopping...would it be easier to do it without her, of course, but it isn't an option so I take her, I make do, and since I am getting more creative with the discipline and she is getting better behaved it really isn't that bad. Well, I had to call DH today to sort out some stuff and when I asked if he had time to talk he said "Yeah, I'm just at the store, it's IMPOSSIBLE to shop with the Pea so I'm doing it now before I pick her up." Oh really? I wouldn't know...
That's all I got, just wanted to share.
Monday, December 8, 2008
rambling
Ok day today...just got to Booya's after a little Christmas shopping detour. JD is headed to Afghanistan and I have designated him pack mule for the little goodie bags I'm sending. If you have ever spent a holiday on the road without your family you know how bad it can suck, well spend that holiday in THE most godforsaken place (other than maybe Sudan) on the planet, and well, I think you deserve a medal. Didn't find any medals, but I did find the tiniest Christmas tree EVER and a bunch of other cool stuff. I went out in search of presents for JJ and Boo...they still have nothing. I, on the other hand, have a new pair of Seven jeans (I may have to eat Ramen noodles for the rest of the month, but my ass will look fierce) and my boys have the above mentioned.
So I watched a pretty cool movie last night, Garden State. It wasn't at all what I expected, but it was very good. The soundtrack was GREAT. The guy from Scrubs (Zach B) wrote, directed and starred in it. It has a love story in it, and some quirky humor, but it is definitely NOT a romantic comedy. I managed to get all the laundry done while watching but my house is still thrashed and I have no idea what I packed to wear tomorrow...come to think of it, I have no idea what I packed for the Pea either...oopsie.
Well, nothin' like rambling incessantly about absolutely nothing...guess I better sign off and call it a night, maybe I will have something interesting to write tomorrow.
So I watched a pretty cool movie last night, Garden State. It wasn't at all what I expected, but it was very good. The soundtrack was GREAT. The guy from Scrubs (Zach B) wrote, directed and starred in it. It has a love story in it, and some quirky humor, but it is definitely NOT a romantic comedy. I managed to get all the laundry done while watching but my house is still thrashed and I have no idea what I packed to wear tomorrow...come to think of it, I have no idea what I packed for the Pea either...oopsie.
Well, nothin' like rambling incessantly about absolutely nothing...guess I better sign off and call it a night, maybe I will have something interesting to write tomorrow.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
sunday morning
Well, we are back from the Sunday morning doughnut run already...little early for my taste, but the Pea was up at 5:30 and was ready to go. I am dragging, I am coming down with a cold and I feel like shit...everyone at work was sick last week and I was hoping to avoid getting it, but looks like I wasn't so lucky this time...yet another reminder I am not taking as good a care of myself as I should. I am already dreading going in tomorrow because I know there is no way I will get enough rest today to get feeling better.
Ok, well on another, better note...the other night I watched (again) that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie turns 35...last time I watched it I focused on the birthday aspect, when she ends up alone and sad and only saw the happy ending (where Big shows up) further evidence that my own birthday night would suck since no tall, dark, handsome man is gonna show up on my doorstep...this time I was able to see the real story line, which was the idea of soul mates. I was able to see the optimism in the episode rather than just the alone part. Toward the end, when Carrie is sitting in the diner with the girls and she says that sitting in the restaurant alone just made her want a man, a soul mate, someone she knew she could count on and Charlotte responds with something to the effect of "why can't we be each others soul mates and just have really great guys in our lives to have fun with" I thought about my girlfriends, my sister, even my Pea. They are my soul mates...they are the ones who complete me and make me feel whole, they are the ones I call when I need to talk, even if I don't have anything to say.
So, I got to thinkin' again about my birthday, and I intend to make the most of it this year. Instead of focusing on the negative in my life right now I am going to focus on the positive...the good stuff, and I am going to treat myself. Yesterday I booked a whole day at the spa...I still had the gift certificate I won at the Sex and the City premiere party (kinda ironic huh?) so I booked it. I will get up on the morning I turn 35, head over to the spa and emerge 6 hours later massaged, pedicured, facialed (don't think that is a word) and well fed with freshly colored and cut hair, ready to head out for a night on the town...with the girls...and if I spot any really great guys to have fun with? Well who knows...
Ok, well on another, better note...the other night I watched (again) that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie turns 35...last time I watched it I focused on the birthday aspect, when she ends up alone and sad and only saw the happy ending (where Big shows up) further evidence that my own birthday night would suck since no tall, dark, handsome man is gonna show up on my doorstep...this time I was able to see the real story line, which was the idea of soul mates. I was able to see the optimism in the episode rather than just the alone part. Toward the end, when Carrie is sitting in the diner with the girls and she says that sitting in the restaurant alone just made her want a man, a soul mate, someone she knew she could count on and Charlotte responds with something to the effect of "why can't we be each others soul mates and just have really great guys in our lives to have fun with" I thought about my girlfriends, my sister, even my Pea. They are my soul mates...they are the ones who complete me and make me feel whole, they are the ones I call when I need to talk, even if I don't have anything to say.
So, I got to thinkin' again about my birthday, and I intend to make the most of it this year. Instead of focusing on the negative in my life right now I am going to focus on the positive...the good stuff, and I am going to treat myself. Yesterday I booked a whole day at the spa...I still had the gift certificate I won at the Sex and the City premiere party (kinda ironic huh?) so I booked it. I will get up on the morning I turn 35, head over to the spa and emerge 6 hours later massaged, pedicured, facialed (don't think that is a word) and well fed with freshly colored and cut hair, ready to head out for a night on the town...with the girls...and if I spot any really great guys to have fun with? Well who knows...
Thursday, December 4, 2008
happy hugging
Today is International Hug Day...how do I know this? Well my sign in page on Google has been customized to include not only the news, weather, horoscope, and Gmail, but also "Today's Reason to Drink" and "Bonehead of the Day Award." I thought I would add those to get an occasional laugh or pick me up when I needed one...to be honest, so far they have mostly been lame, but this morning, the reason to drink was International Hug Day. Bonehead of the day is Dollar Tree stores but that's beside the point. Ok, so I guess the idea is to go around hugging people.
I happen to be a hugger, I am one of those people who always greet others with a hug...of course when faced with a non-hugger, this sometimes makes for awkward moments. I also happen to be short so EVERYONE is taller than me which means if I go in and they pull back I am up on my tippy toes falling forward arms outstretched feeling foolish...especially bad when drunk. I have become particularly generous with the hugs in the last year since: one, I am not getting any smooches (and lets face it smooching beats hugging most of the time) and two, because MiMi says everyone needs 13 hugs a day...she always ended our sessions with a big ol' (usually me sobbing into her shoulder) bear hug.
So we know there are huggers and non-huggers, but have you ever noticed there are people who can openly throw out terms of endearment and then the rest of us. You know those ladies, usually in food service or health care who call you honey, or darlin' or sugar...I love those women. The lady who works the drive-thru at the bank I go to everyday always greets me with "Well hey there darlin'!" and it always makes me smile. The woman who works the drive-thru at the Dunkin Donuts I go to calls me sweetheart. Now I know they call everyone who comes through that, but I love it, and it makes me feel good. If I try to call anyone (other than the Pea or close friends) an endearment it always sounds weird and fake. Why is it that some people can throw it out there and make the receiver feel good, while others (like me and the creepy guy at the jiffylube) end up sounding awkward? Something to ponder...
Well while you ponder, I am gonna get to work...OR I could go find someone to hug...maybe my boss? Give him a hug, call him sugar...that wouldn't be awkward AT ALL. :)
I happen to be a hugger, I am one of those people who always greet others with a hug...of course when faced with a non-hugger, this sometimes makes for awkward moments. I also happen to be short so EVERYONE is taller than me which means if I go in and they pull back I am up on my tippy toes falling forward arms outstretched feeling foolish...especially bad when drunk. I have become particularly generous with the hugs in the last year since: one, I am not getting any smooches (and lets face it smooching beats hugging most of the time) and two, because MiMi says everyone needs 13 hugs a day...she always ended our sessions with a big ol' (usually me sobbing into her shoulder) bear hug.
So we know there are huggers and non-huggers, but have you ever noticed there are people who can openly throw out terms of endearment and then the rest of us. You know those ladies, usually in food service or health care who call you honey, or darlin' or sugar...I love those women. The lady who works the drive-thru at the bank I go to everyday always greets me with "Well hey there darlin'!" and it always makes me smile. The woman who works the drive-thru at the Dunkin Donuts I go to calls me sweetheart. Now I know they call everyone who comes through that, but I love it, and it makes me feel good. If I try to call anyone (other than the Pea or close friends) an endearment it always sounds weird and fake. Why is it that some people can throw it out there and make the receiver feel good, while others (like me and the creepy guy at the jiffylube) end up sounding awkward? Something to ponder...
Well while you ponder, I am gonna get to work...OR I could go find someone to hug...maybe my boss? Give him a hug, call him sugar...that wouldn't be awkward AT ALL. :)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
whew
The office is quiet...just me and the cleaning lady. I always come in early on Tuesdays, but today it was especially important because I wasn't able to do anything at my desk yesterday. I had a crazy busy day with all kinds of running and stuff to do out of the office...I think I spent a total of 30 minutes at my desk...as a result, I have a stack of files and mail that I need to tend to before the day starts.
The last few days have been good...it was nice to get back to work yesterday, I had forgotten how exhausting staying at home with a kid can be. I love being with her, spending time and doing fun stuff, but wow...between her and mom, I was exhausted and ready to get back here. Managed to get my Christmas tree up and decorated over the weekend...it was a good thing mom was there; I am not the biggest, strongest, or most patient girl on the planet, and while I wrestled (and cussed) the tree, she wrestled the Pea. I honestly don't know how I would have managed to do it by myself with the Pea, there would have been a casualty, no doubt...well, luckily she was there, there were no casualties, we all came out unscathed, and I have a lovely 9 foot tall tree, decked out in all my favorite ornaments. Of course, taking it down by myself could be problematic...
Well, things here are starting to get busy...guess I better go or this stack of stuff on my desk will still be here tomorrow.
The last few days have been good...it was nice to get back to work yesterday, I had forgotten how exhausting staying at home with a kid can be. I love being with her, spending time and doing fun stuff, but wow...between her and mom, I was exhausted and ready to get back here. Managed to get my Christmas tree up and decorated over the weekend...it was a good thing mom was there; I am not the biggest, strongest, or most patient girl on the planet, and while I wrestled (and cussed) the tree, she wrestled the Pea. I honestly don't know how I would have managed to do it by myself with the Pea, there would have been a casualty, no doubt...well, luckily she was there, there were no casualties, we all came out unscathed, and I have a lovely 9 foot tall tree, decked out in all my favorite ornaments. Of course, taking it down by myself could be problematic...
Well, things here are starting to get busy...guess I better go or this stack of stuff on my desk will still be here tomorrow.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
happy turkey day
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!
So wow...mom got here yesterday and we had a really nice night. I don't know if it was that I was in a great mood and really relaxed after having a fantastic day, or we have both changed that much. We talked, REALLY talked last night, not just about weather and other stupid superficial stuff, but about life...and not just abstract impersonal ideas, but personal feelings, issues, etc. I decided when she came this time, I would adhere to the philosophy that one can never change another person, but can make changes within themselves that will change the relationship...I guess it worked...either that, or we each had enough, but not too much beer...
Ok, so here is where I list all the things I am thankful for today, because ultimately that is what this day is about right?
My healthy happy Pea, her smile, her laugh...and being able to hug and kiss her.
My health, despite not always taking the best care of myself, I am sooo lucky.
My Sistah...always there, always loving, always on my side, couldn't survive without her.
Family, the crazy, chaotic, sometimes frustrating...both blood and chosen.
Friends...the always loyal, always loving, talk me off a ledge, keep me sane, call my bullshit, make me laugh, let me cry, real good friends...especially my "really best in the whole world" buddy.
My job, the company I work for, my work family...again, I am soooo lucky.
My home, my cozy little house, the place I feel safe and secure.
Sunny days, the beach, a good cup of coffee, a perfectly made dirty martini, good sheets, great music, books...
I could keep going, list everything, but I would be here all day...I consider myself lucky in so many ways, thankful for everyone and everything in my life.
Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving!
So wow...mom got here yesterday and we had a really nice night. I don't know if it was that I was in a great mood and really relaxed after having a fantastic day, or we have both changed that much. We talked, REALLY talked last night, not just about weather and other stupid superficial stuff, but about life...and not just abstract impersonal ideas, but personal feelings, issues, etc. I decided when she came this time, I would adhere to the philosophy that one can never change another person, but can make changes within themselves that will change the relationship...I guess it worked...either that, or we each had enough, but not too much beer...
Ok, so here is where I list all the things I am thankful for today, because ultimately that is what this day is about right?
My healthy happy Pea, her smile, her laugh...and being able to hug and kiss her.
My health, despite not always taking the best care of myself, I am sooo lucky.
My Sistah...always there, always loving, always on my side, couldn't survive without her.
Family, the crazy, chaotic, sometimes frustrating...both blood and chosen.
Friends...the always loyal, always loving, talk me off a ledge, keep me sane, call my bullshit, make me laugh, let me cry, real good friends...especially my "really best in the whole world" buddy.
My job, the company I work for, my work family...again, I am soooo lucky.
My home, my cozy little house, the place I feel safe and secure.
Sunny days, the beach, a good cup of coffee, a perfectly made dirty martini, good sheets, great music, books...
I could keep going, list everything, but I would be here all day...I consider myself lucky in so many ways, thankful for everyone and everything in my life.
Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
getting there
The Pea is with her daddy again tonight. I just got off the phone with her and I miss her. Sunday nights are always nice, hectic and a little crazy, but nice, and it just isn't the same without her here. I am planning on getting some stuff done, stuff I never ended up doing yesterday, so it is probably a good thing she isn't here, but still sad about it and missing her.
So had a nice night last night. Went out with Gigi and the girls, did the whole grown up bar scene. I had fun, I can almost always have fun, regardless of where I go or who I am out with, but I realized last night how NOT cool I am. I was standing in the middle of the young, hip, rich crowd like a deer in headlights. On one hand I would like to think I could fit in, but on the other, why? I am who I am, and it's probably high time I faced the music. I am a single mom, almost 35 years old, I'm not young, hip or rich...I can't afford $15 drinks or designer clothes. I would like to get to where I could afford all the finer things, they are nice after all, but I am finding the things I enjoy the most aren't things...I am starting to really connect with people, and make friends and those connections are what get me through and bring me happiness.
For the first time in my life I have girlfriends, I have a circle of women that I feel comfortable with, that I like hanging out with, that I talk to everyday, and I really like. Even my relationship with Smash has gotten deeper and more real. This journey I have been on the last year, this finding myself, learning how to love, learning how to be open and honest has been excruciating. It is hard to break down walls that have been up for 30years, open old wounds so they can heal properly, learn to love and trust and be open when you never have...it is hard, but it is worth it. I thought when I started all this it was just about being a good mom, I am finding out it is about being a better person. The person I want to be is not just a good mom, but a good person, a great friend, and a good partner...the person I strive to be is open, honest, loving, caring, genuine, loyal, faithful, and happy...free from all the drama and negativity that has dominated my life for so long, and willing to take chances on and rely on other people, even if it means I could get my heart broken.
Ya know, this life of mine is far from ideal, I miss my kid all the time, have all kinds of guilt, and while I know I am getting there, I am far from that great girl I strive to be...the great thing? I am finally enjoying the ride.
So had a nice night last night. Went out with Gigi and the girls, did the whole grown up bar scene. I had fun, I can almost always have fun, regardless of where I go or who I am out with, but I realized last night how NOT cool I am. I was standing in the middle of the young, hip, rich crowd like a deer in headlights. On one hand I would like to think I could fit in, but on the other, why? I am who I am, and it's probably high time I faced the music. I am a single mom, almost 35 years old, I'm not young, hip or rich...I can't afford $15 drinks or designer clothes. I would like to get to where I could afford all the finer things, they are nice after all, but I am finding the things I enjoy the most aren't things...I am starting to really connect with people, and make friends and those connections are what get me through and bring me happiness.
For the first time in my life I have girlfriends, I have a circle of women that I feel comfortable with, that I like hanging out with, that I talk to everyday, and I really like. Even my relationship with Smash has gotten deeper and more real. This journey I have been on the last year, this finding myself, learning how to love, learning how to be open and honest has been excruciating. It is hard to break down walls that have been up for 30years, open old wounds so they can heal properly, learn to love and trust and be open when you never have...it is hard, but it is worth it. I thought when I started all this it was just about being a good mom, I am finding out it is about being a better person. The person I want to be is not just a good mom, but a good person, a great friend, and a good partner...the person I strive to be is open, honest, loving, caring, genuine, loyal, faithful, and happy...free from all the drama and negativity that has dominated my life for so long, and willing to take chances on and rely on other people, even if it means I could get my heart broken.
Ya know, this life of mine is far from ideal, I miss my kid all the time, have all kinds of guilt, and while I know I am getting there, I am far from that great girl I strive to be...the great thing? I am finally enjoying the ride.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
draggin
Draggin' a little today...didn't sleep great (big surprise) and 5:30 came early, too early. The Pea and I had a great night, and I gotta give props to Chick-fil-A for their "family night." Not only do they have the free ice cream and entertainment for the kids, but they are NICE (imagine that!) and helpful. May sound silly but when you are in there, balancing a tray full of food and drinks, a wallet, a phone and coats and you have a three year old running wild, it is nice to have someone offer to help you...they don't do that anywhere else. Our good night was followed by a good morning, and the drive to work was uneventful...all good, and yet I feel kinda blah.
Hmmm, maybe I need more coffee...
Goin' to get coffee, more later.
Hmmm, maybe I need more coffee...
Goin' to get coffee, more later.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
crazy
Whew...been one of those crazy busy days...got to work at 7am and have been nonstop until just now. I love days like today because I never have a chance to think or worry, and once I get in the car to go home I am so glad to have the time to myself it doesn't seem like such a long drive. So speakin' of crazy busy...having some family drama, my grandmother is at it again...and I am so over drama. Apparently my grandmother thinks Smash and I are mad at her, she inferred this because we haven't been around to visit lately and is mad at my mom for not telling her why we are mad at her. She is very busy telling everyone (except me and Smash of course) about it. Well, we aren't mad, don't have a reason to be, and not once during all this (which has according to my mom, been going on for months) has she picked up the phone to call me, or Smash, to ask us if we are, in fact mad. Come to think of it she hasn't called period, not to check on either of us or ask us how we are, or even to just say hello.
Hmmmm, so a GROWN woman, instead of just calling to check on her granddaughter to ask her how she is and if she is mad, calls everyone else on the planet (including the granddaughter's EX husband) and creates a whole ridiculous crisis and gets mad at a neutral third party for not telling her why when there is no why...yeah, makes perfect sense...in drama land. I am so over the drama queen thing, so over her being a martyr and making everything about her...it never once occurred to her that I haven't been around because I HAVE BEEN BUSY. Uh, yeah lets see in the last few months I have had to: start a full time job, move, buy a car, completely change my whole life and all the while taking care of a 3 year old and all that that entails...hmmmmm, no nothing to do with that at all, must be something she did. Youngest is enough of a queen, thank you very much, we really don't need one of the drama variety in the family.
I hate it, I hate that there is ALWAYS some new drama with her, and yet I don't want to shut her out of my life. She is my grandma, she helped raise me (and Smash), she has a good heart and loves us...and yet she drives me crazy...I can't afford crazy right now. I am not strong enough to be able to just suck it up...it LITERALLY exhausts me to be around her. I am exhausted enough as it is, when I have a free day, the last thing I want to do is go visit her and be subjected to the ridiculousness.
Oh well...I guess that is enough ranting for one day...every family has a little crazy, a little drama, a few queens...right?
Hmmmm, so a GROWN woman, instead of just calling to check on her granddaughter to ask her how she is and if she is mad, calls everyone else on the planet (including the granddaughter's EX husband) and creates a whole ridiculous crisis and gets mad at a neutral third party for not telling her why when there is no why...yeah, makes perfect sense...in drama land. I am so over the drama queen thing, so over her being a martyr and making everything about her...it never once occurred to her that I haven't been around because I HAVE BEEN BUSY. Uh, yeah lets see in the last few months I have had to: start a full time job, move, buy a car, completely change my whole life and all the while taking care of a 3 year old and all that that entails...hmmmmm, no nothing to do with that at all, must be something she did. Youngest is enough of a queen, thank you very much, we really don't need one of the drama variety in the family.
I hate it, I hate that there is ALWAYS some new drama with her, and yet I don't want to shut her out of my life. She is my grandma, she helped raise me (and Smash), she has a good heart and loves us...and yet she drives me crazy...I can't afford crazy right now. I am not strong enough to be able to just suck it up...it LITERALLY exhausts me to be around her. I am exhausted enough as it is, when I have a free day, the last thing I want to do is go visit her and be subjected to the ridiculousness.
Oh well...I guess that is enough ranting for one day...every family has a little crazy, a little drama, a few queens...right?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
click clack moo
Last night I watched Casablanca...and can I just say, "WTF?" Apparently, I was the last adult alive on the planet who hadn't seen it, and since it is the greatest movie of all time was missing out...well I didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I wasn't moved to action or left questioning my life, all criteria in my mind for a great flick, and while I didn't feel like I wasted two hours of my life it's not one of MY all time favorite movies. Oh, and as far as the love story part...I guess I am more of the Bridget Jones Diary school of thought on how love stories should go: boy agonizes over girl, girl makes fool out of self for boy, boy finds this charming and lovely, boy and girl fall madly in love...cuz I didn't like it much...I didn't love Titanic either so I guess I'm just weird.
So anyway, I got the movie from the library...I went on Friday while the Pea was in school. I usually only go with her, so she can get books, and I end up grabbing whatever books I haven't read off of the new releases rack as quickly as I can before she starts pulling books down and wrecking the place. I don't ever get to really enjoy the experience, or browse, or sit on the floor in the middle of a stack reading like I used to before I had her. Friday I decided I would, and I must say, even though I know there are many who would disagree, I think the library is one of the best ways our tax dollars are spent. I know a lot of people don't take advantage, and it is a huge chunk of change, but I love it. I love that we have a place to go that is quiet and warm and filled with things I adore, all available to me, for free. Now I love the big ol' discount book stores with the coffee shops in them as well, and have spent many hours sitting on the floor reading in one of those too, but ultimately (because I can walk out with a big fat stack of books and not spend a dime) library wins, hands down.
I didn't even know the library had movies until Friday. I knew they had books on CD, because I have been checking them out and listening to them in the car, but I literally stumbled on the DVDs looking for a particular book on CD, and WOW! How cool is that? Don't have to rent them, don't have to buy them, now, when I want to watch a movie just check one out...sweet...course the selection is limited, but in browsing I noticed they had some pretty good ones, so I am excited.
Since the movies are only three day rentals and I have to return the movie today, I just asked the Pea to gather up all her library books so we can return them, and so I can write in peace...I am giggling as I write, because instead of gathering them up she is "reading" one of them, out loud. It happens to be one about cows who type Click Clack Moo and as I am click clacking away on my little laptop she is saying "click clack moo, click clack moo..." hee, hee...just a little visual I thought you would enjoy.
So anyway, I got the movie from the library...I went on Friday while the Pea was in school. I usually only go with her, so she can get books, and I end up grabbing whatever books I haven't read off of the new releases rack as quickly as I can before she starts pulling books down and wrecking the place. I don't ever get to really enjoy the experience, or browse, or sit on the floor in the middle of a stack reading like I used to before I had her. Friday I decided I would, and I must say, even though I know there are many who would disagree, I think the library is one of the best ways our tax dollars are spent. I know a lot of people don't take advantage, and it is a huge chunk of change, but I love it. I love that we have a place to go that is quiet and warm and filled with things I adore, all available to me, for free. Now I love the big ol' discount book stores with the coffee shops in them as well, and have spent many hours sitting on the floor reading in one of those too, but ultimately (because I can walk out with a big fat stack of books and not spend a dime) library wins, hands down.
I didn't even know the library had movies until Friday. I knew they had books on CD, because I have been checking them out and listening to them in the car, but I literally stumbled on the DVDs looking for a particular book on CD, and WOW! How cool is that? Don't have to rent them, don't have to buy them, now, when I want to watch a movie just check one out...sweet...course the selection is limited, but in browsing I noticed they had some pretty good ones, so I am excited.
Since the movies are only three day rentals and I have to return the movie today, I just asked the Pea to gather up all her library books so we can return them, and so I can write in peace...I am giggling as I write, because instead of gathering them up she is "reading" one of them, out loud. It happens to be one about cows who type Click Clack Moo and as I am click clacking away on my little laptop she is saying "click clack moo, click clack moo..." hee, hee...just a little visual I thought you would enjoy.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
whoo hoo
Whoo hoo! I am taking the Pea up north for a week at Christmas...I am so relieved DH agreed to let me take her, and so damn excited about seeing the family, especially Smash and the boys. Smash is paying for the plane tickets (thanks lady!) and we have all agreed to cool it on presents and just enjoy being together. The Pea doesn't know yet, I think I will hold off on telling her because she doesn't really understand the concept of future yet. If I tell her we are going she will head out the door, and be pissed off as hell that I don't follow and drive her to the airport.
Smash and I have managed to get together every Christmas or Thanksgiving since the kids were born and I was afraid with what has been going on this year it might be the first that we weren't able. Having it all fall into place this morning was great...I needed a little boost. I didn't get much sleep last night, had to be to work early this morning and it is a cold, rainy, dreary day. On top of that I am in the middle of a project at work that is now at a standstill while we wait for some information from an outside source and I don't have jack shit to do.
Have you noticed BTW that all the stores and the malls have their decorations up and Christmas music playing? Isn't it a little early for that? Santa is going to be at our mall starting THIS WEEKEND...wow. I am all about the holidays...love 'em, but do we really need a month and a half...aren't a few weeks sufficient...and with the economy the way it is, seems to me it is a kinda cruel reminder to those folks who are going to have a sparse one...ok, hopping off my soap box...more later.
Smash and I have managed to get together every Christmas or Thanksgiving since the kids were born and I was afraid with what has been going on this year it might be the first that we weren't able. Having it all fall into place this morning was great...I needed a little boost. I didn't get much sleep last night, had to be to work early this morning and it is a cold, rainy, dreary day. On top of that I am in the middle of a project at work that is now at a standstill while we wait for some information from an outside source and I don't have jack shit to do.
Have you noticed BTW that all the stores and the malls have their decorations up and Christmas music playing? Isn't it a little early for that? Santa is going to be at our mall starting THIS WEEKEND...wow. I am all about the holidays...love 'em, but do we really need a month and a half...aren't a few weeks sufficient...and with the economy the way it is, seems to me it is a kinda cruel reminder to those folks who are going to have a sparse one...ok, hopping off my soap box...more later.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
have fun with that
For those of you with Gmail you may or may not have noticed, but now they have video chat...yeah, when you sign on, up at the top of the screen with your settings etc is a new tag line NEW! Video Chat. Well yee haw, count me OUT.
Now I know for those of you dating long distance, or with new babies and parents out of town you probably think this is FABULOUS...I am thinking of the rest of us. I, for one, do most of my chatting at night, after I put the Pea to bed...I am sitting cross legged in my chair in front of the computer, face scrubbed clean, hair in a pony tail, PJs on, usually with a glass of wine in my left hand (cuz I type with my right) and bag of potato chips on my lap...I don't want anyone seeing me like that...the beauty of chatting online is you don't even have to be as engaged as you are on the phone. You can eat and drink and take pee breaks (granted some of you get the joy of all of these when you are on the phone with me, but you are in the minority, consider yourselves special) and the person you are chatting with only knows you are rolling your eyes if you tell them.
So to all of you racing out to buy those little cameras you clamp on your computer, or who already have them and are buzzing with excitement that you have a new way to use them...have fun with that! And don't be self conscious at all...really, the fact that whoever you are chatting with will see when you type something and then erase it all, when you sit there with a dumb look on your face while trying to determine the right word or spelling, when you inadvertently pick your nose, or worse your ass, or when you spill your wine down the front of yourself and jump up cussing while you take your shirt off (ok, maybe that one would just be me), wouldn't worry about it at all...seriously, have fun with that.
Now I know for those of you dating long distance, or with new babies and parents out of town you probably think this is FABULOUS...I am thinking of the rest of us. I, for one, do most of my chatting at night, after I put the Pea to bed...I am sitting cross legged in my chair in front of the computer, face scrubbed clean, hair in a pony tail, PJs on, usually with a glass of wine in my left hand (cuz I type with my right) and bag of potato chips on my lap...I don't want anyone seeing me like that...the beauty of chatting online is you don't even have to be as engaged as you are on the phone. You can eat and drink and take pee breaks (granted some of you get the joy of all of these when you are on the phone with me, but you are in the minority, consider yourselves special) and the person you are chatting with only knows you are rolling your eyes if you tell them.
So to all of you racing out to buy those little cameras you clamp on your computer, or who already have them and are buzzing with excitement that you have a new way to use them...have fun with that! And don't be self conscious at all...really, the fact that whoever you are chatting with will see when you type something and then erase it all, when you sit there with a dumb look on your face while trying to determine the right word or spelling, when you inadvertently pick your nose, or worse your ass, or when you spill your wine down the front of yourself and jump up cussing while you take your shirt off (ok, maybe that one would just be me), wouldn't worry about it at all...seriously, have fun with that.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
anyone seen my fairy godmother?
Ahhh, fall Sundays...gotta love 'em. Had a great day today, despite my team losing...the weather was perfect, had fun with the Pea and spent some quality time with one of my gfriends and her family. Ok, we got through the crazy birthday week and busy work week, things have settled down and are back to normal...why am I still so damn tired? I feel like I need to sleep for days. I slept great last night, and am feelin' good about most everything in my life right now, WTF? I don't like it much. I have a house that needs cleaning, laundry that needs to be done, and all kinds of assorted other domestic tasks that will only get done if I do them, and I am on the computer...brilliant...where the hell is that g-damn fairy godmother of mine?!
Wouldn't it be great if life were like the fairy tales sometimes...just wish upon a star and singing birds help with chores, a beautiful prince charming appears out of nowhere, and pumpkins turn into transportation with the flick of the wrist...of course with every prince charming there is a toad and every fairy godmother there is a wicked witch, and those carriages always turn back into pumpkins at the damnedest times...hmmm.
Well, since I really DO need to get a bunch of shit done before I start another week, I better get to it...that's the thing about Sundays I guess...they start out a day of rest and fun and turn into a night of scrambling to get ready for Monday...if only I could track down that bitch with the magic wand.
Wouldn't it be great if life were like the fairy tales sometimes...just wish upon a star and singing birds help with chores, a beautiful prince charming appears out of nowhere, and pumpkins turn into transportation with the flick of the wrist...of course with every prince charming there is a toad and every fairy godmother there is a wicked witch, and those carriages always turn back into pumpkins at the damnedest times...hmmm.
Well, since I really DO need to get a bunch of shit done before I start another week, I better get to it...that's the thing about Sundays I guess...they start out a day of rest and fun and turn into a night of scrambling to get ready for Monday...if only I could track down that bitch with the magic wand.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
hospitals: bad, yummy doctors: good
So one of my friends is having surgery today. I am nervous and scared for her...I know she is in good hands, and will be fine, but I can't help thinking, and worrying. I am at work, and actually have a bunch of stuff to do, but I am so distracted I keep getting into something and then spacing out wondering how she is. She sent me a text this morning and I texted back...I won't hear from her again, until she is out of recovery. I am determined to not have a panic attack when I see her. I really hate that I do that, I feel like I can't be a grownup in hospitals and it is SO frustrating. I want to be strong for her, and make sure she is well cared for, make sure when the nurses or doctors tell me something I don't pass out from all the medical talk. I don't want her worrying about me, or worse, getting pissed at me, cuz I'm not what she needs.
I hope when I get my shit worked out regarding B to put this whole medical phobia behind me. I hate being one of those people that can't be counted on in a medical crisis...I want to be strong, and knowledgeable, and capable...not a puddle on the floor. As I, and all my friends, get older, not to mention my parents and family, there will be more and more occasion to be in a hospital...I have to get over this. Not only that, I'm single now, and so don't have DH to take me and hold my hand with every medical procedure I have to get done. I thought I was doing better...last year when I had to get a little biopsy and DH and I were on the outs I managed to get through it without passing out, managed to clean it myself and even had the stitches removed without a hitch...I thought that meant things were better, but after making a FOOL out of myself earlier in the week getting a FLU SHOT, perhaps not.
Anyhoo, I suspect the more I think about it, the worse it will be, so I am going to try and focus on work...I hope tomorrow to have only good news and NO stories of me passing out on the hospital floor...unless of course they end in me getting picked up off the floor by a hot young doctor...hmmmm.
I hope when I get my shit worked out regarding B to put this whole medical phobia behind me. I hate being one of those people that can't be counted on in a medical crisis...I want to be strong, and knowledgeable, and capable...not a puddle on the floor. As I, and all my friends, get older, not to mention my parents and family, there will be more and more occasion to be in a hospital...I have to get over this. Not only that, I'm single now, and so don't have DH to take me and hold my hand with every medical procedure I have to get done. I thought I was doing better...last year when I had to get a little biopsy and DH and I were on the outs I managed to get through it without passing out, managed to clean it myself and even had the stitches removed without a hitch...I thought that meant things were better, but after making a FOOL out of myself earlier in the week getting a FLU SHOT, perhaps not.
Anyhoo, I suspect the more I think about it, the worse it will be, so I am going to try and focus on work...I hope tomorrow to have only good news and NO stories of me passing out on the hospital floor...unless of course they end in me getting picked up off the floor by a hot young doctor...hmmmm.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
birthday bliss
Last night was amazing...it was crazy and messy and the Pea had about 7 meltdowns..most of her presents are still sitting on the table unopened because it was just too overwhelming...red wine was spilled on white carpet, and yet I had a blast. I was so happy to have my girlfriends with me, celebrating my kid, that despite all the chaos and noise I allowed myself to enjoy it...I allowed myself to just enjoy the people around me and the blessing that is having a healthy three year old and I didn't stress like I usually do about all the little insignificant "disasters."
DH ended up stopping by...when he first called to say he had a change in plans and would be in town earlier than anticipated I was leery...I felt like maybe he just wanted to "check up" on me and I didn't like it, but I got to thinking about the Pea, and the fact that it was her birthday and she had every right to see her daddy...I spent almost every birthday of my life without mine, thanks in part to my mother, and I wasn't going to do that to her. Well he was totally focused on her, even got her ready for bed and played with her for awhile so Gigi and I could chat in peace, and I thought "ya know, I'm lucky, and I'm smarter than I thought, because despite not picking the right husband for myself I did a damn good job picking the right father for her," and perhaps, that is more important.
Speaking of fathers, I wrote B a letter...I will send it off today. It was fairly short, considering the magnitude, and to the point...I told him how he hurt me, what I need now, which is nothing, what I want now, which is an apology, and left the ball in his court. If he wants to contact me, at least now he knows where I am and my name, and if he doesn't at least I got to say what I needed to in order to move on. Smash read it, said it was perfect, and I feel good knowing that monkey is no longer on my back.
Well, the Pea will have her party at school today, complete with the 17 little fancy boxes filled with loot that I busted my ass to complete, and then all the birthday stuff will be behind us...until mine, that is, which I can only hope will be as loud, fun, chaotic and crazy...
DH ended up stopping by...when he first called to say he had a change in plans and would be in town earlier than anticipated I was leery...I felt like maybe he just wanted to "check up" on me and I didn't like it, but I got to thinking about the Pea, and the fact that it was her birthday and she had every right to see her daddy...I spent almost every birthday of my life without mine, thanks in part to my mother, and I wasn't going to do that to her. Well he was totally focused on her, even got her ready for bed and played with her for awhile so Gigi and I could chat in peace, and I thought "ya know, I'm lucky, and I'm smarter than I thought, because despite not picking the right husband for myself I did a damn good job picking the right father for her," and perhaps, that is more important.
Speaking of fathers, I wrote B a letter...I will send it off today. It was fairly short, considering the magnitude, and to the point...I told him how he hurt me, what I need now, which is nothing, what I want now, which is an apology, and left the ball in his court. If he wants to contact me, at least now he knows where I am and my name, and if he doesn't at least I got to say what I needed to in order to move on. Smash read it, said it was perfect, and I feel good knowing that monkey is no longer on my back.
Well, the Pea will have her party at school today, complete with the 17 little fancy boxes filled with loot that I busted my ass to complete, and then all the birthday stuff will be behind us...until mine, that is, which I can only hope will be as loud, fun, chaotic and crazy...
Monday, November 3, 2008
it's all about the box(es)
Today is my baby girl's birthday...three years ago I was in labor, and ready to greet my little Pea. Last night I was in labor as well, a slightly less painful one, granted, but a labor of love nonetheless. I was assembling favor boxes for the little one's birthday party at her school. The party will be tomorrow, but since my girls are coming over tonight to celebrate the little Pea, and I imagine many glasses of wine will be consumed, I figured it best to knock them out early to make sure they got done...thank God I did.
When I originally ordered these boxes I blithely assumed they would already be boxes and filled with goodies...after all that was what the picture in the catalog showed. Imagine my surprise when a rather small box showed up on my door step from the company I had ordered them from. I opened the box to discover bags of goodies, and a stack of brightly printed cardboard and directions. Of course, duh...I am supposed to turn this stack of cardboard into 17 favor boxes and then fill them with the loot. Me, moi, the mommy, all by myownself, and since I am without an engineering degree (seriously Smash, could have used your help, wow) with much trouble.
See, these were no ordinary little boxes, no, no...these were FANCY, and so required the removal of section A, but NOT section B, and the folding down of part 1, but NOT part 2, and the insertion of tab F into slot G and so on, and so on, AND SO ON...O.M.G!!! What I thought, upon sitting down at 8pm with my glass of wine and remote, to be an hour long project easily completed while watching football and sipping Pinot Grigio turned into a battle. A hard fought battle that ended up outlasting the game and with MUCH cussing. I was ready to throw each one of those $5 not yet assembled boxes in the trash and gleefully set them afire...fortunately I remembered they were $5 each and did not. They are all assembled and sitting on my kitchen table, with the cupcakes and party hats for tomorrow's party.
I think next year, we will have goodie BAGS.
When I originally ordered these boxes I blithely assumed they would already be boxes and filled with goodies...after all that was what the picture in the catalog showed. Imagine my surprise when a rather small box showed up on my door step from the company I had ordered them from. I opened the box to discover bags of goodies, and a stack of brightly printed cardboard and directions. Of course, duh...I am supposed to turn this stack of cardboard into 17 favor boxes and then fill them with the loot. Me, moi, the mommy, all by myownself, and since I am without an engineering degree (seriously Smash, could have used your help, wow) with much trouble.
See, these were no ordinary little boxes, no, no...these were FANCY, and so required the removal of section A, but NOT section B, and the folding down of part 1, but NOT part 2, and the insertion of tab F into slot G and so on, and so on, AND SO ON...O.M.G!!! What I thought, upon sitting down at 8pm with my glass of wine and remote, to be an hour long project easily completed while watching football and sipping Pinot Grigio turned into a battle. A hard fought battle that ended up outlasting the game and with MUCH cussing. I was ready to throw each one of those $5 not yet assembled boxes in the trash and gleefully set them afire...fortunately I remembered they were $5 each and did not. They are all assembled and sitting on my kitchen table, with the cupcakes and party hats for tomorrow's party.
I think next year, we will have goodie BAGS.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
sunday
Had the gift of an extra hour last night and did I use it? NO, of course not, should have gotten an extra hour of sleep or maybe cleaned the house, or who knows what, but what did I do, I laid in bed, wide awake. The Pea slept in this morning too, and instead of being asleep with her, I was laying in bed waiting for her to get up...willing her to stay in bed so I could sleep, but not asleep myself. So it's Sunday, we will do our doughnut run soon, get some shopping done, and because tomorrow is the Pea's birthday I will spend the day getting ready for that, and for the week. Busy week coming up, between birthday stuff and work and now one of my girlfriends is having surgery...I think it will be a good thing, me busy, because I have had some "stuff" come up that I know I need to deal with, and don't know how to yet.
The other night watching Grey's Anatomy, I remembered being five, spending countless hours in the hospital with B. I remember following him everywhere, watching, learning, reading...I was going to follow in his footsteps, I was going to be a doctor. Well of course that didn't happen, in his eyes I am a big fat failure, and now I can't go in a hospital without having a panic attack. The panic attacks started when I was twelve, coincidentally (or not), that was when I last saw B. They are better now, since having the Pea...I still will have one from time to time, but they aren't as bad, and I know when they are coming so I will generally find a place to sit down before passing out. Ya know, it's funny, I didn't have a single one when I was in the hospital for her birth, hmmm.
Ok, anyway...watching the show, remembering that time, made me think of B, and a whole host of emotions came bubbling up that I thought I had long since stomped down. I realized that I hadn't dealt with the pain of him choosing to not be in my life, but rather ignored it, and apparently NOW I am ready to deal with it. I guess I am finally strong enough, and in a safe enough place, that I can go there. In the episode, the Chief apologizes to Meridith, and then says that all the apologies in the world don't change things, and he knows that. I guess I want an apology too...I want to know that he "gets" what he did to me and Smash. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I know I can work out my stuff without it happening, MiMi will help with that, but now it's on the radar, and regardless of HOW I work through it, I know I have to work through it.
I have one more hurdle to jump before I can jump into another relationship. It's a little scary, I have spent so long pretending it didn't matter, HE didn't matter, that now to admit it does and I am not "over" it...well I guess it "proves" I'm broken, proves I have issues. I am a cliche, one of those silly girls with daddy issues that chooses inappropriate men and drinks too much and pretends it's all ok. YUCK...yuck, yuck, yuck...I don't want to be a cliche, I don't want to be one of those girls, I don't want to be because that is not who I want the Pea to have as a mom.
Anyway, the Pea just ran in and announced her show was over and she wanted a "punkin doyut," so we are off, and for now, I will try not to think about anything other than coffee and pumpkin doughnuts.
The other night watching Grey's Anatomy, I remembered being five, spending countless hours in the hospital with B. I remember following him everywhere, watching, learning, reading...I was going to follow in his footsteps, I was going to be a doctor. Well of course that didn't happen, in his eyes I am a big fat failure, and now I can't go in a hospital without having a panic attack. The panic attacks started when I was twelve, coincidentally (or not), that was when I last saw B. They are better now, since having the Pea...I still will have one from time to time, but they aren't as bad, and I know when they are coming so I will generally find a place to sit down before passing out. Ya know, it's funny, I didn't have a single one when I was in the hospital for her birth, hmmm.
Ok, anyway...watching the show, remembering that time, made me think of B, and a whole host of emotions came bubbling up that I thought I had long since stomped down. I realized that I hadn't dealt with the pain of him choosing to not be in my life, but rather ignored it, and apparently NOW I am ready to deal with it. I guess I am finally strong enough, and in a safe enough place, that I can go there. In the episode, the Chief apologizes to Meridith, and then says that all the apologies in the world don't change things, and he knows that. I guess I want an apology too...I want to know that he "gets" what he did to me and Smash. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I know I can work out my stuff without it happening, MiMi will help with that, but now it's on the radar, and regardless of HOW I work through it, I know I have to work through it.
I have one more hurdle to jump before I can jump into another relationship. It's a little scary, I have spent so long pretending it didn't matter, HE didn't matter, that now to admit it does and I am not "over" it...well I guess it "proves" I'm broken, proves I have issues. I am a cliche, one of those silly girls with daddy issues that chooses inappropriate men and drinks too much and pretends it's all ok. YUCK...yuck, yuck, yuck...I don't want to be a cliche, I don't want to be one of those girls, I don't want to be because that is not who I want the Pea to have as a mom.
Anyway, the Pea just ran in and announced her show was over and she wanted a "punkin doyut," so we are off, and for now, I will try not to think about anything other than coffee and pumpkin doughnuts.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
addictions and pictures
Well I am not just an addict, I'm a pusher...yup, that's right...last night at 10:30 Smash called me from a Dunkin Donuts drive thru: "OMG, you know those pumpkin doughnuts you like so much, well I tried one the other day and now I'm addicted too! I can't stop!" As I sit here typing, my large hazelnut coffee with skim milk and Splenda (the fewer calories I waste on the coffee the more doughnuts I can eat) is steaming and my half eaten pumpkin doughnut is taunting. We even discussed how we would manage once the little lovelies went away, because they are just a seasonal flavor...the thought of living without was just too much so we plan to freeze a couple dozen (I think we said six dozen to be exact). Oh you laugh, but we were serious...even discussing the merits of Ziploc baggies and what we would have to clear out of the freezer to make room for our little pumpkin friends. Hee hee.
So, lets see...had a pretty great week so far. Monday night went out and found a new watering hole...they didn't have $4 martinis but they did have $2 pints and pool tables. So after kicking Booya's ass (sorry man) on the pool table and sucking down a few of those pints I managed to get some sleep. Tuesday, work was slow, but because I had come in early got to head home early and see my little Pea. Ended up having a really nice night at home and then yesterday was so busy at work the day just flew by. Last night after leaving work I went and bought a digital camera...DH has one that I used religiously the first two and a half years of the Pea's life, but since moving out I haven't been able to take any pictures, other than on my phone. There was no way I was gonna let Halloween and her birthday go by without a ridiculous number of pictures.
I used to feel a little self-conscious bringing in to work pictures of the Pea, almost shy about it. I would bring them in all excited to show people and then not show them unless someone asked because it seemed pushy and arrogant "Here look at these - isn't my kid cute?!" Kinda obnoxious...until, that is, my office mate brought in pictures OF HIS DOG. Now, I have nothing against taking pictures of your dog, I used to do it all the time, especially if she was being especially cute...and nothing against sharing those pictures now and then, but this was different. At a point in the afternoon when no one was on the phone or in the middle of a big project he called us all around to "take a look at something." Well usually that means a video of a plane crash or some other aviation anomaly and then we all sit around and talk about it.
We all gather around, bated breath, and he pulls out a STACK of 8 by 10 glossies...of his dog...IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Oh yeah...What do you say? "Oh my god, how cute!" Well as the other girls in the office all fawned and shrieked and went on and on over what appeared to be an overgrown hamster in a fairy princess get up I thought to myself, "OK, no more feelin' self-conscious about bringing in the occasional picture of the Pea." These ladies are totally into it, they are eatin' it up...So anyway...tomorrow as my little Pea struts around beggin' for candy, I will be snapping pictures like a maniac and you can be sure the girls in the office will be shrieking and fawning Monday morning, whether they like it or not.
Well, my coffee has cooled and my doughnut is long gone...the office is starting to fill up and I probably ought to try and find something to do...ooooh, maybe someone has pictures of their cat...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JJ!!!!!! AUNTI LOVES YOU!!!!
So, lets see...had a pretty great week so far. Monday night went out and found a new watering hole...they didn't have $4 martinis but they did have $2 pints and pool tables. So after kicking Booya's ass (sorry man) on the pool table and sucking down a few of those pints I managed to get some sleep. Tuesday, work was slow, but because I had come in early got to head home early and see my little Pea. Ended up having a really nice night at home and then yesterday was so busy at work the day just flew by. Last night after leaving work I went and bought a digital camera...DH has one that I used religiously the first two and a half years of the Pea's life, but since moving out I haven't been able to take any pictures, other than on my phone. There was no way I was gonna let Halloween and her birthday go by without a ridiculous number of pictures.
I used to feel a little self-conscious bringing in to work pictures of the Pea, almost shy about it. I would bring them in all excited to show people and then not show them unless someone asked because it seemed pushy and arrogant "Here look at these - isn't my kid cute?!" Kinda obnoxious...until, that is, my office mate brought in pictures OF HIS DOG. Now, I have nothing against taking pictures of your dog, I used to do it all the time, especially if she was being especially cute...and nothing against sharing those pictures now and then, but this was different. At a point in the afternoon when no one was on the phone or in the middle of a big project he called us all around to "take a look at something." Well usually that means a video of a plane crash or some other aviation anomaly and then we all sit around and talk about it.
We all gather around, bated breath, and he pulls out a STACK of 8 by 10 glossies...of his dog...IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Oh yeah...What do you say? "Oh my god, how cute!" Well as the other girls in the office all fawned and shrieked and went on and on over what appeared to be an overgrown hamster in a fairy princess get up I thought to myself, "OK, no more feelin' self-conscious about bringing in the occasional picture of the Pea." These ladies are totally into it, they are eatin' it up...So anyway...tomorrow as my little Pea struts around beggin' for candy, I will be snapping pictures like a maniac and you can be sure the girls in the office will be shrieking and fawning Monday morning, whether they like it or not.
Well, my coffee has cooled and my doughnut is long gone...the office is starting to fill up and I probably ought to try and find something to do...ooooh, maybe someone has pictures of their cat...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JJ!!!!!! AUNTI LOVES YOU!!!!
Monday, October 27, 2008
fall
This morning, on my drive to work, I watched the sun rise...as it rose above the horizon and illuminated the trees, all changing into various shades of crimson and gold, I thought about the season. Fall, Autumn, whatever you want to call it...for me as of late, has become my season of new beginnings. JJ, Boo and the Pea were all born in the fall...each one of them arrived home from the hospital with a backdrop of multicolored leaves and crisp cool air. I love that NOW, whenever I have a sunny, beautiful, fall day I think back to each of their births and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy.
JJ was born two weeks late...I wasn't working at the time, as a result of losing my job following 9-11, and was pretty down...I saw his birth as an opportunity to DO something...I was going to get there AFTER the baby came, and HELP. As it happened I arrived to find Smash laid up in a hospital bed...10 months pregnant, still no baby, and I never did end up being much of a help. When JJ came home a few days later, the light was perfect, the air was crisp and the leaves crunched underneath our feet as Smash's DH carried the new, chubby cheeked little man into the house, I snapped pictures, and Smash hobbled behind. It wasn't just a new beginning for her and her new baby, it was a new beginning for me...I was an Aunti now, and I felt a love for that child that I had never felt before.
Boo came just two short years later, late, just like his big brother...apparently Smash's womb is like one of those perfect lounge chairs you just don't wanna get out of...and again, I arrived to find my sister STILL pregnant even though we thought we had planned for me to arrive AFTER the birth. Boo also came home on a beautiful, sunny, crisp cool day.
Two years after that, I found myself HUGE with child, and like Smash, overdue. I was doing everything to try to get that baby movin'...I wanted to meet her, damnit, and I didn't want to wait another day. I was molesting DH daily, sometimes twice daily, much to his chagrin, because sex was supposed to get things going, and FINALLY after one of our more rigorous romps I had a contraction, a bad one, and it wasn't one of those mild, "could this be it?" Braxton-Hicks, it was the real deal...holy shit. Twenty four long, exhausting, excruciating hours later I had my Pea. Unlike the boys, she came home in the dark, two nights later, but the next morning when we ventured outside for pictures, we were greeted by a perfect sunny fall day.
It's now three years later, and neither Smash nor I are due, or in our cases overdue, to give birth. I am, however, looking forward to ushering in my new life, my new beginning, this fall. It is not nearly as exciting or terrifying as a new baby...there won't be pictures or announcements, I won't be getting gifts or cards...but, it will forever change me, make me a better person, and give me a whole new perspective.
JJ was born two weeks late...I wasn't working at the time, as a result of losing my job following 9-11, and was pretty down...I saw his birth as an opportunity to DO something...I was going to get there AFTER the baby came, and HELP. As it happened I arrived to find Smash laid up in a hospital bed...10 months pregnant, still no baby, and I never did end up being much of a help. When JJ came home a few days later, the light was perfect, the air was crisp and the leaves crunched underneath our feet as Smash's DH carried the new, chubby cheeked little man into the house, I snapped pictures, and Smash hobbled behind. It wasn't just a new beginning for her and her new baby, it was a new beginning for me...I was an Aunti now, and I felt a love for that child that I had never felt before.
Boo came just two short years later, late, just like his big brother...apparently Smash's womb is like one of those perfect lounge chairs you just don't wanna get out of...and again, I arrived to find my sister STILL pregnant even though we thought we had planned for me to arrive AFTER the birth. Boo also came home on a beautiful, sunny, crisp cool day.
Two years after that, I found myself HUGE with child, and like Smash, overdue. I was doing everything to try to get that baby movin'...I wanted to meet her, damnit, and I didn't want to wait another day. I was molesting DH daily, sometimes twice daily, much to his chagrin, because sex was supposed to get things going, and FINALLY after one of our more rigorous romps I had a contraction, a bad one, and it wasn't one of those mild, "could this be it?" Braxton-Hicks, it was the real deal...holy shit. Twenty four long, exhausting, excruciating hours later I had my Pea. Unlike the boys, she came home in the dark, two nights later, but the next morning when we ventured outside for pictures, we were greeted by a perfect sunny fall day.
It's now three years later, and neither Smash nor I are due, or in our cases overdue, to give birth. I am, however, looking forward to ushering in my new life, my new beginning, this fall. It is not nearly as exciting or terrifying as a new baby...there won't be pictures or announcements, I won't be getting gifts or cards...but, it will forever change me, make me a better person, and give me a whole new perspective.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
don't like it much
I am supposed to be asleep right now...I have a nasty cold that is kicking my ass, and taking care of an almost 3 year old is hell. I finally caved and asked DH to take the Pea for a few hours so I could get some sleep and I am not sleeping. It figures...all morning I have been half falling asleep trying to deal and now I have an hour or so left of peace and quiet without responsibility and I am on the computer.
She was so damn excited to see him...I told her he was on the way and she went outside to wait even though I told her it would be at least 15 minutes...when he got here she ran to him, jumped in his arms and squeezed with all her might. I know I should be happy about that, glad that he could come get her, and glad that she was excited about it, but instead I wanted to shout "NO, wait, never mind, I'm fine, I can handle it," and ever since I have been sitting here thinking...never good...instead of relaxing.
This is the first, I'm sure of many, illnesses I have had as a single mommy. It is a good thing it's only a cold, and not the flu or worse...I never thought about getting sick...I usually don't get sick, and there I was this morning, completely drained of energy, sneezing, sniffling and hoarse. I wanted to just lay on the couch and have someone take care of me while I watched bad TV. Instead, I had to do the care taking...I had to diaper, and feed, and entertain, and it occurred to me this is how it will be from now on. Gotta say, despite sounding whiny and silly, don't like it much...don't like it much at all.
She was so damn excited to see him...I told her he was on the way and she went outside to wait even though I told her it would be at least 15 minutes...when he got here she ran to him, jumped in his arms and squeezed with all her might. I know I should be happy about that, glad that he could come get her, and glad that she was excited about it, but instead I wanted to shout "NO, wait, never mind, I'm fine, I can handle it," and ever since I have been sitting here thinking...never good...instead of relaxing.
This is the first, I'm sure of many, illnesses I have had as a single mommy. It is a good thing it's only a cold, and not the flu or worse...I never thought about getting sick...I usually don't get sick, and there I was this morning, completely drained of energy, sneezing, sniffling and hoarse. I wanted to just lay on the couch and have someone take care of me while I watched bad TV. Instead, I had to do the care taking...I had to diaper, and feed, and entertain, and it occurred to me this is how it will be from now on. Gotta say, despite sounding whiny and silly, don't like it much...don't like it much at all.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
amazing
It is AMAZING what a good night of sleep will do for a person. I feel awesome, I actually woke up BEFORE the alarm went off, and was awake and functioning before my first sip of coffee. I still stopped for coffee of course, out of habit, and well, because I wanted a pumpkin doughnut...they are my new heroin. I have finally kicked the Diet Coke habit only to replace it with PUMPKIN DOUGHNUTS. I went from no calories to like a zillion, and the slight chance of cancer to the very real chance of getting a BIG FAT ASS. Fabulous.
Ok, back to my great night...so prior to the sleep fest, which was not interrupted by unwanted calls or out of control dogs, Booya, JD, and I parked it on the couch, scarfed Mexican (OMG, sooo good) and watched an old movie. We were planning on Casablanca, but apparently the video store here had only ONE copy and someone else had it out already. One copy?! It's a classic, how do they only have ONE copy - ugh. Oh well, the movie we did end up with was cool, and we had a nice time, and I was in bed by 10pm, fat and happy.
So after spending a nice night, sandwiched between two lovely boys (neither of which I am, or ever will be, sleeping with) I got to thinking about how much I LIKE having men in my life that I DON'T sleep with...it's nice. Well this got me thinking about Jill Connor Browne's advice in Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love, about the men you need in your life:
"The basic five men each woman should have in her life are (1) a man who can fix things, (2) a man you can dance with, (3) a man who can pay for things, (4) a man you can talk to and (5) a man to have great sex with. The great news is that four out of the five can be gay."
I would like to add (6) a man you can "hang" with. Whether it's watching tv on the couch or sittin' at a bar, someone who you can totally be yourself with, even if that self is silly or cranky or sad or fun. None of my boys happen to be gay, but most are attached to other women so they might as well be, and I am happy to announce that I have all but a man to pay for things and a man to have great sex with...I'm gonna have to work on those. Thus far I am enjoying the paying for stuff myownself, and since I have decided to be particular, am in no hurry to audition new candidates for the great sex.
Well, my coffee is gone, so I am off to get a refill...the office is filling up and starting to bustle with activity, and since I don't feel like crawling under my desk for a nap, I might be able to get some work done.
Ok, back to my great night...so prior to the sleep fest, which was not interrupted by unwanted calls or out of control dogs, Booya, JD, and I parked it on the couch, scarfed Mexican (OMG, sooo good) and watched an old movie. We were planning on Casablanca, but apparently the video store here had only ONE copy and someone else had it out already. One copy?! It's a classic, how do they only have ONE copy - ugh. Oh well, the movie we did end up with was cool, and we had a nice time, and I was in bed by 10pm, fat and happy.
So after spending a nice night, sandwiched between two lovely boys (neither of which I am, or ever will be, sleeping with) I got to thinking about how much I LIKE having men in my life that I DON'T sleep with...it's nice. Well this got me thinking about Jill Connor Browne's advice in Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love, about the men you need in your life:
"The basic five men each woman should have in her life are (1) a man who can fix things, (2) a man you can dance with, (3) a man who can pay for things, (4) a man you can talk to and (5) a man to have great sex with. The great news is that four out of the five can be gay."
I would like to add (6) a man you can "hang" with. Whether it's watching tv on the couch or sittin' at a bar, someone who you can totally be yourself with, even if that self is silly or cranky or sad or fun. None of my boys happen to be gay, but most are attached to other women so they might as well be, and I am happy to announce that I have all but a man to pay for things and a man to have great sex with...I'm gonna have to work on those. Thus far I am enjoying the paying for stuff myownself, and since I have decided to be particular, am in no hurry to audition new candidates for the great sex.
Well, my coffee is gone, so I am off to get a refill...the office is filling up and starting to bustle with activity, and since I don't feel like crawling under my desk for a nap, I might be able to get some work done.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
oh well
Well, I am finally starting to sleep better and apparently that is just unacceptable. Two nights ago I was in bed AND ASLEEP by 10:30...this just doesn't happen in my world, and a random text woke me up at 12:30. Last night, again, miracle of miracles, in bed and asleep by 11:00. Next thing I know the neighbor's dog is FREAKING out and it sounds like it is in my bedroom...guess what time it was? Yup, 12:30...ugh...and of course I couldn't get back to sleep. When that alarm went off at 5:30 I wanted to cry...thank god for coffee.
So here I am, at work, yawning...trying to look alive, and what I really want to do is take a nap under my desk. Not a whole lot to do, I probably wouldn't be missed...hmmm, but then I would have bed head. Damn.
Wish I had more, a fun story...a bit of news...nope. Nada. Oh well.
So here I am, at work, yawning...trying to look alive, and what I really want to do is take a nap under my desk. Not a whole lot to do, I probably wouldn't be missed...hmmm, but then I would have bed head. Damn.
Wish I had more, a fun story...a bit of news...nope. Nada. Oh well.
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