It's Christmas Eve...I am supposed to be packing. The Pea and I are headed up north tomorrow to see the family, play in the snow, and get away from here. Not that things here have been bad, on the contrary, the past week has been great, but a trip out of town will make it even better. This is my first holiday season in TWENTY years that I haven't had a lover, boyfriend, or husband...I thought it would be harder. The Pea is with her dad, and I expected tonight to be awful. I thought I would be drunk by now, watching some ridiculous chick flick and sobbing, and while I did cry a little saying goodnight to the Pea, I haven't had a bit to drink, and I've been watching tv while doing laundry. I am enjoying the peace and quiet and time to myself to reflect and think.
I got to fly the other day, and for a frustrated non-flying pilot like myself, there could not have been a better present. I got the best birthday and best Christmas presents ever, both in the same year. I was sitting in the right seat, expecting only to make a few radio calls, maybe a turn or two and the next thing I knew the airplane was mine. As we started our descent I kept expecting to have to give the airplane back, and while I didn't exactly have total control (or land center line) I made a decent landing. As we turned off the runway onto the taxiway I couldn't help but think how much like great sex it was...my legs were shaking, my heart beating, I was sweaty and exhilarated and happy...I swear I didn't come off that high for hours. If I just had an extra $3 million lyin' around to buy an airplane I wouldn't ever need a man again...hmmmm.
Yeah, not so much...while I think this time by myself is a good thing, and I am enjoying it, I do hope by next year to have a man in my life. I want to have someone to spend the holidays with...to help me put up the tree (and take it down), to dance with on my birthday, to make love to on Christmas Eve, to kiss at midnight on New Year's. If this year has taught me anything though, it's that not having a man for all of it, is better than having one that isn't right for me...
Well on that note, I guess I'll sign off...off to pack, get some sleep and get ready for the battle that is flying commercial with a three year old in tow...and with all that, it's probably a good thing I don't have anyone to make love to tonight.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
best present ever
I got the best birthday present EVER a few hours ago and wanted to write it down so I would never forget. I took my baby girl out to dinner and as the waiter brought out a strawberry shortcake for us to share (she ordered) the Pea broke out with (all by herself)...
"Happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day MOMMY, happy boo-day to you...(both arms up) YAY!"
O.M.G.
"Happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day MOMMY, happy boo-day to you...(both arms up) YAY!"
O.M.G.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
the perfect hump day
I'm at work, after taking the morning off to see the Pea perform in her school Christmas show. Wow, it is amazing what an extra few hours in the day can do...I had a nice relaxing morning, took my time getting ready and getting the Pea to school, went for coffee, and was able to sit down and enjoy it, which was great, and I don't think anyone here even missed me...wish I could work half days every day.
Anyway...O.M.G. two, three, and four year olds singing and dancing, ridiculously cute. Of course the start of the show is something akin to herding chickens, but once they all settled in, took their places and started singing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. One two year old in particular, she happened to be the tiniest child there, threw down to Jingle Bells in what can only be described as a LOL booty dance...one of the three year olds picked her nose, and I mean went to town diggin', during the entire second verse of Santa Clause is Coming to Town, and then studied what she had excavated during the third...and one of the four year olds cried the entire time for his mom, who was standing in the audience taking pictures and saying "smile honey, it's ok, mommy's right here!"
DH was there, which was great for the Pea, and what I have always wanted for her (both her parents involved) but was a little uncomfortable for me. I think we were both trying to be on our best behavior, be nice for the Pea's sake, he even complimented me as we were leaving, he said I looked pretty. I had put a little extra into my appearance this morning, both for the show and because I was going to get my license renewed and didn't want another HEINOUS picture like last time, but having him recognize it and compliment me felt strange. I don't think either of us have complimented or even spoke nicely to each other in a year. It's funny, just a few years ago, I would have given my right arm for a compliment, to hear that I "looked pretty," now, while it's nice, it doesn't have the same effect. I used to NEED compliments to feel good, now they are just icing.
So yeah...speaking of the dreaded drivers license renewal...got mine done today and it was rather painless. I drive by a DMV every day on my way to work, it's about ten minutes from here and it is always way less crowded than the ones in town where I live. Knowing I would have some time to kill after the show and before I needed to get here I planned to stop today so I wouldn't be driving around with an expired license for who knows how long. I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN LINE WHEN I GOT THERE...granted I still had to wait, I think there is a rule that even if there is no one ahead of you and an employee is available they make you, just to keep you on your toes. I didn't care, cuz the last few times I have tried, I walked in and right back out because there were at least two dozen people ahead of me. Well, long story short, the extra time on my hair and the application of makeup paid off because UNLIKE last time, my picture this time is NOT heinous. It isn't good, but it isn't heinous...as far as I'm concerned, that new license can be the ONLY new thing I get for my birthday, and it will be enough.
Anyway...O.M.G. two, three, and four year olds singing and dancing, ridiculously cute. Of course the start of the show is something akin to herding chickens, but once they all settled in, took their places and started singing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. One two year old in particular, she happened to be the tiniest child there, threw down to Jingle Bells in what can only be described as a LOL booty dance...one of the three year olds picked her nose, and I mean went to town diggin', during the entire second verse of Santa Clause is Coming to Town, and then studied what she had excavated during the third...and one of the four year olds cried the entire time for his mom, who was standing in the audience taking pictures and saying "smile honey, it's ok, mommy's right here!"
DH was there, which was great for the Pea, and what I have always wanted for her (both her parents involved) but was a little uncomfortable for me. I think we were both trying to be on our best behavior, be nice for the Pea's sake, he even complimented me as we were leaving, he said I looked pretty. I had put a little extra into my appearance this morning, both for the show and because I was going to get my license renewed and didn't want another HEINOUS picture like last time, but having him recognize it and compliment me felt strange. I don't think either of us have complimented or even spoke nicely to each other in a year. It's funny, just a few years ago, I would have given my right arm for a compliment, to hear that I "looked pretty," now, while it's nice, it doesn't have the same effect. I used to NEED compliments to feel good, now they are just icing.
So yeah...speaking of the dreaded drivers license renewal...got mine done today and it was rather painless. I drive by a DMV every day on my way to work, it's about ten minutes from here and it is always way less crowded than the ones in town where I live. Knowing I would have some time to kill after the show and before I needed to get here I planned to stop today so I wouldn't be driving around with an expired license for who knows how long. I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN LINE WHEN I GOT THERE...granted I still had to wait, I think there is a rule that even if there is no one ahead of you and an employee is available they make you, just to keep you on your toes. I didn't care, cuz the last few times I have tried, I walked in and right back out because there were at least two dozen people ahead of me. Well, long story short, the extra time on my hair and the application of makeup paid off because UNLIKE last time, my picture this time is NOT heinous. It isn't good, but it isn't heinous...as far as I'm concerned, that new license can be the ONLY new thing I get for my birthday, and it will be enough.
Monday, December 15, 2008
two things
Don't really have the brain power for a witty or even sorta well thought out posting so just gonna comment on two things...
One, George W. gettin' shoes thrown at his head. I heard the story on my ride into work this morning...they said he got pegged in the head with the shoes (thrown by an Iraqi reporter, in case you hadn't heard), and while it struck me as ridiculously funny and I was laughing out loud, I have learned you can't always believe everything you hear on the radio. So, I watched the video, and well, he didn't actually get pegged, he ducked, and while it was still pretty damn funny, the thought occurred, "WTF? The secret service are supposed to stop BULLETS and they couldn't stop a SECOND shoe from flying across the room." It's a good thing ol' GW is still pretty spry...
Ok, two, every week after the doughnut run the Pea and I do our weekly shopping...would it be easier to do it without her, of course, but it isn't an option so I take her, I make do, and since I am getting more creative with the discipline and she is getting better behaved it really isn't that bad. Well, I had to call DH today to sort out some stuff and when I asked if he had time to talk he said "Yeah, I'm just at the store, it's IMPOSSIBLE to shop with the Pea so I'm doing it now before I pick her up." Oh really? I wouldn't know...
That's all I got, just wanted to share.
One, George W. gettin' shoes thrown at his head. I heard the story on my ride into work this morning...they said he got pegged in the head with the shoes (thrown by an Iraqi reporter, in case you hadn't heard), and while it struck me as ridiculously funny and I was laughing out loud, I have learned you can't always believe everything you hear on the radio. So, I watched the video, and well, he didn't actually get pegged, he ducked, and while it was still pretty damn funny, the thought occurred, "WTF? The secret service are supposed to stop BULLETS and they couldn't stop a SECOND shoe from flying across the room." It's a good thing ol' GW is still pretty spry...
Ok, two, every week after the doughnut run the Pea and I do our weekly shopping...would it be easier to do it without her, of course, but it isn't an option so I take her, I make do, and since I am getting more creative with the discipline and she is getting better behaved it really isn't that bad. Well, I had to call DH today to sort out some stuff and when I asked if he had time to talk he said "Yeah, I'm just at the store, it's IMPOSSIBLE to shop with the Pea so I'm doing it now before I pick her up." Oh really? I wouldn't know...
That's all I got, just wanted to share.
Monday, December 8, 2008
rambling
Ok day today...just got to Booya's after a little Christmas shopping detour. JD is headed to Afghanistan and I have designated him pack mule for the little goodie bags I'm sending. If you have ever spent a holiday on the road without your family you know how bad it can suck, well spend that holiday in THE most godforsaken place (other than maybe Sudan) on the planet, and well, I think you deserve a medal. Didn't find any medals, but I did find the tiniest Christmas tree EVER and a bunch of other cool stuff. I went out in search of presents for JJ and Boo...they still have nothing. I, on the other hand, have a new pair of Seven jeans (I may have to eat Ramen noodles for the rest of the month, but my ass will look fierce) and my boys have the above mentioned.
So I watched a pretty cool movie last night, Garden State. It wasn't at all what I expected, but it was very good. The soundtrack was GREAT. The guy from Scrubs (Zach B) wrote, directed and starred in it. It has a love story in it, and some quirky humor, but it is definitely NOT a romantic comedy. I managed to get all the laundry done while watching but my house is still thrashed and I have no idea what I packed to wear tomorrow...come to think of it, I have no idea what I packed for the Pea either...oopsie.
Well, nothin' like rambling incessantly about absolutely nothing...guess I better sign off and call it a night, maybe I will have something interesting to write tomorrow.
So I watched a pretty cool movie last night, Garden State. It wasn't at all what I expected, but it was very good. The soundtrack was GREAT. The guy from Scrubs (Zach B) wrote, directed and starred in it. It has a love story in it, and some quirky humor, but it is definitely NOT a romantic comedy. I managed to get all the laundry done while watching but my house is still thrashed and I have no idea what I packed to wear tomorrow...come to think of it, I have no idea what I packed for the Pea either...oopsie.
Well, nothin' like rambling incessantly about absolutely nothing...guess I better sign off and call it a night, maybe I will have something interesting to write tomorrow.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
sunday morning
Well, we are back from the Sunday morning doughnut run already...little early for my taste, but the Pea was up at 5:30 and was ready to go. I am dragging, I am coming down with a cold and I feel like shit...everyone at work was sick last week and I was hoping to avoid getting it, but looks like I wasn't so lucky this time...yet another reminder I am not taking as good a care of myself as I should. I am already dreading going in tomorrow because I know there is no way I will get enough rest today to get feeling better.
Ok, well on another, better note...the other night I watched (again) that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie turns 35...last time I watched it I focused on the birthday aspect, when she ends up alone and sad and only saw the happy ending (where Big shows up) further evidence that my own birthday night would suck since no tall, dark, handsome man is gonna show up on my doorstep...this time I was able to see the real story line, which was the idea of soul mates. I was able to see the optimism in the episode rather than just the alone part. Toward the end, when Carrie is sitting in the diner with the girls and she says that sitting in the restaurant alone just made her want a man, a soul mate, someone she knew she could count on and Charlotte responds with something to the effect of "why can't we be each others soul mates and just have really great guys in our lives to have fun with" I thought about my girlfriends, my sister, even my Pea. They are my soul mates...they are the ones who complete me and make me feel whole, they are the ones I call when I need to talk, even if I don't have anything to say.
So, I got to thinkin' again about my birthday, and I intend to make the most of it this year. Instead of focusing on the negative in my life right now I am going to focus on the positive...the good stuff, and I am going to treat myself. Yesterday I booked a whole day at the spa...I still had the gift certificate I won at the Sex and the City premiere party (kinda ironic huh?) so I booked it. I will get up on the morning I turn 35, head over to the spa and emerge 6 hours later massaged, pedicured, facialed (don't think that is a word) and well fed with freshly colored and cut hair, ready to head out for a night on the town...with the girls...and if I spot any really great guys to have fun with? Well who knows...
Ok, well on another, better note...the other night I watched (again) that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie turns 35...last time I watched it I focused on the birthday aspect, when she ends up alone and sad and only saw the happy ending (where Big shows up) further evidence that my own birthday night would suck since no tall, dark, handsome man is gonna show up on my doorstep...this time I was able to see the real story line, which was the idea of soul mates. I was able to see the optimism in the episode rather than just the alone part. Toward the end, when Carrie is sitting in the diner with the girls and she says that sitting in the restaurant alone just made her want a man, a soul mate, someone she knew she could count on and Charlotte responds with something to the effect of "why can't we be each others soul mates and just have really great guys in our lives to have fun with" I thought about my girlfriends, my sister, even my Pea. They are my soul mates...they are the ones who complete me and make me feel whole, they are the ones I call when I need to talk, even if I don't have anything to say.
So, I got to thinkin' again about my birthday, and I intend to make the most of it this year. Instead of focusing on the negative in my life right now I am going to focus on the positive...the good stuff, and I am going to treat myself. Yesterday I booked a whole day at the spa...I still had the gift certificate I won at the Sex and the City premiere party (kinda ironic huh?) so I booked it. I will get up on the morning I turn 35, head over to the spa and emerge 6 hours later massaged, pedicured, facialed (don't think that is a word) and well fed with freshly colored and cut hair, ready to head out for a night on the town...with the girls...and if I spot any really great guys to have fun with? Well who knows...
Thursday, December 4, 2008
happy hugging
Today is International Hug Day...how do I know this? Well my sign in page on Google has been customized to include not only the news, weather, horoscope, and Gmail, but also "Today's Reason to Drink" and "Bonehead of the Day Award." I thought I would add those to get an occasional laugh or pick me up when I needed one...to be honest, so far they have mostly been lame, but this morning, the reason to drink was International Hug Day. Bonehead of the day is Dollar Tree stores but that's beside the point. Ok, so I guess the idea is to go around hugging people.
I happen to be a hugger, I am one of those people who always greet others with a hug...of course when faced with a non-hugger, this sometimes makes for awkward moments. I also happen to be short so EVERYONE is taller than me which means if I go in and they pull back I am up on my tippy toes falling forward arms outstretched feeling foolish...especially bad when drunk. I have become particularly generous with the hugs in the last year since: one, I am not getting any smooches (and lets face it smooching beats hugging most of the time) and two, because MiMi says everyone needs 13 hugs a day...she always ended our sessions with a big ol' (usually me sobbing into her shoulder) bear hug.
So we know there are huggers and non-huggers, but have you ever noticed there are people who can openly throw out terms of endearment and then the rest of us. You know those ladies, usually in food service or health care who call you honey, or darlin' or sugar...I love those women. The lady who works the drive-thru at the bank I go to everyday always greets me with "Well hey there darlin'!" and it always makes me smile. The woman who works the drive-thru at the Dunkin Donuts I go to calls me sweetheart. Now I know they call everyone who comes through that, but I love it, and it makes me feel good. If I try to call anyone (other than the Pea or close friends) an endearment it always sounds weird and fake. Why is it that some people can throw it out there and make the receiver feel good, while others (like me and the creepy guy at the jiffylube) end up sounding awkward? Something to ponder...
Well while you ponder, I am gonna get to work...OR I could go find someone to hug...maybe my boss? Give him a hug, call him sugar...that wouldn't be awkward AT ALL. :)
I happen to be a hugger, I am one of those people who always greet others with a hug...of course when faced with a non-hugger, this sometimes makes for awkward moments. I also happen to be short so EVERYONE is taller than me which means if I go in and they pull back I am up on my tippy toes falling forward arms outstretched feeling foolish...especially bad when drunk. I have become particularly generous with the hugs in the last year since: one, I am not getting any smooches (and lets face it smooching beats hugging most of the time) and two, because MiMi says everyone needs 13 hugs a day...she always ended our sessions with a big ol' (usually me sobbing into her shoulder) bear hug.
So we know there are huggers and non-huggers, but have you ever noticed there are people who can openly throw out terms of endearment and then the rest of us. You know those ladies, usually in food service or health care who call you honey, or darlin' or sugar...I love those women. The lady who works the drive-thru at the bank I go to everyday always greets me with "Well hey there darlin'!" and it always makes me smile. The woman who works the drive-thru at the Dunkin Donuts I go to calls me sweetheart. Now I know they call everyone who comes through that, but I love it, and it makes me feel good. If I try to call anyone (other than the Pea or close friends) an endearment it always sounds weird and fake. Why is it that some people can throw it out there and make the receiver feel good, while others (like me and the creepy guy at the jiffylube) end up sounding awkward? Something to ponder...
Well while you ponder, I am gonna get to work...OR I could go find someone to hug...maybe my boss? Give him a hug, call him sugar...that wouldn't be awkward AT ALL. :)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
whew
The office is quiet...just me and the cleaning lady. I always come in early on Tuesdays, but today it was especially important because I wasn't able to do anything at my desk yesterday. I had a crazy busy day with all kinds of running and stuff to do out of the office...I think I spent a total of 30 minutes at my desk...as a result, I have a stack of files and mail that I need to tend to before the day starts.
The last few days have been good...it was nice to get back to work yesterday, I had forgotten how exhausting staying at home with a kid can be. I love being with her, spending time and doing fun stuff, but wow...between her and mom, I was exhausted and ready to get back here. Managed to get my Christmas tree up and decorated over the weekend...it was a good thing mom was there; I am not the biggest, strongest, or most patient girl on the planet, and while I wrestled (and cussed) the tree, she wrestled the Pea. I honestly don't know how I would have managed to do it by myself with the Pea, there would have been a casualty, no doubt...well, luckily she was there, there were no casualties, we all came out unscathed, and I have a lovely 9 foot tall tree, decked out in all my favorite ornaments. Of course, taking it down by myself could be problematic...
Well, things here are starting to get busy...guess I better go or this stack of stuff on my desk will still be here tomorrow.
The last few days have been good...it was nice to get back to work yesterday, I had forgotten how exhausting staying at home with a kid can be. I love being with her, spending time and doing fun stuff, but wow...between her and mom, I was exhausted and ready to get back here. Managed to get my Christmas tree up and decorated over the weekend...it was a good thing mom was there; I am not the biggest, strongest, or most patient girl on the planet, and while I wrestled (and cussed) the tree, she wrestled the Pea. I honestly don't know how I would have managed to do it by myself with the Pea, there would have been a casualty, no doubt...well, luckily she was there, there were no casualties, we all came out unscathed, and I have a lovely 9 foot tall tree, decked out in all my favorite ornaments. Of course, taking it down by myself could be problematic...
Well, things here are starting to get busy...guess I better go or this stack of stuff on my desk will still be here tomorrow.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
happy turkey day
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!
So wow...mom got here yesterday and we had a really nice night. I don't know if it was that I was in a great mood and really relaxed after having a fantastic day, or we have both changed that much. We talked, REALLY talked last night, not just about weather and other stupid superficial stuff, but about life...and not just abstract impersonal ideas, but personal feelings, issues, etc. I decided when she came this time, I would adhere to the philosophy that one can never change another person, but can make changes within themselves that will change the relationship...I guess it worked...either that, or we each had enough, but not too much beer...
Ok, so here is where I list all the things I am thankful for today, because ultimately that is what this day is about right?
My healthy happy Pea, her smile, her laugh...and being able to hug and kiss her.
My health, despite not always taking the best care of myself, I am sooo lucky.
My Sistah...always there, always loving, always on my side, couldn't survive without her.
Family, the crazy, chaotic, sometimes frustrating...both blood and chosen.
Friends...the always loyal, always loving, talk me off a ledge, keep me sane, call my bullshit, make me laugh, let me cry, real good friends...especially my "really best in the whole world" buddy.
My job, the company I work for, my work family...again, I am soooo lucky.
My home, my cozy little house, the place I feel safe and secure.
Sunny days, the beach, a good cup of coffee, a perfectly made dirty martini, good sheets, great music, books...
I could keep going, list everything, but I would be here all day...I consider myself lucky in so many ways, thankful for everyone and everything in my life.
Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving!
So wow...mom got here yesterday and we had a really nice night. I don't know if it was that I was in a great mood and really relaxed after having a fantastic day, or we have both changed that much. We talked, REALLY talked last night, not just about weather and other stupid superficial stuff, but about life...and not just abstract impersonal ideas, but personal feelings, issues, etc. I decided when she came this time, I would adhere to the philosophy that one can never change another person, but can make changes within themselves that will change the relationship...I guess it worked...either that, or we each had enough, but not too much beer...
Ok, so here is where I list all the things I am thankful for today, because ultimately that is what this day is about right?
My healthy happy Pea, her smile, her laugh...and being able to hug and kiss her.
My health, despite not always taking the best care of myself, I am sooo lucky.
My Sistah...always there, always loving, always on my side, couldn't survive without her.
Family, the crazy, chaotic, sometimes frustrating...both blood and chosen.
Friends...the always loyal, always loving, talk me off a ledge, keep me sane, call my bullshit, make me laugh, let me cry, real good friends...especially my "really best in the whole world" buddy.
My job, the company I work for, my work family...again, I am soooo lucky.
My home, my cozy little house, the place I feel safe and secure.
Sunny days, the beach, a good cup of coffee, a perfectly made dirty martini, good sheets, great music, books...
I could keep going, list everything, but I would be here all day...I consider myself lucky in so many ways, thankful for everyone and everything in my life.
Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
getting there
The Pea is with her daddy again tonight. I just got off the phone with her and I miss her. Sunday nights are always nice, hectic and a little crazy, but nice, and it just isn't the same without her here. I am planning on getting some stuff done, stuff I never ended up doing yesterday, so it is probably a good thing she isn't here, but still sad about it and missing her.
So had a nice night last night. Went out with Gigi and the girls, did the whole grown up bar scene. I had fun, I can almost always have fun, regardless of where I go or who I am out with, but I realized last night how NOT cool I am. I was standing in the middle of the young, hip, rich crowd like a deer in headlights. On one hand I would like to think I could fit in, but on the other, why? I am who I am, and it's probably high time I faced the music. I am a single mom, almost 35 years old, I'm not young, hip or rich...I can't afford $15 drinks or designer clothes. I would like to get to where I could afford all the finer things, they are nice after all, but I am finding the things I enjoy the most aren't things...I am starting to really connect with people, and make friends and those connections are what get me through and bring me happiness.
For the first time in my life I have girlfriends, I have a circle of women that I feel comfortable with, that I like hanging out with, that I talk to everyday, and I really like. Even my relationship with Smash has gotten deeper and more real. This journey I have been on the last year, this finding myself, learning how to love, learning how to be open and honest has been excruciating. It is hard to break down walls that have been up for 30years, open old wounds so they can heal properly, learn to love and trust and be open when you never have...it is hard, but it is worth it. I thought when I started all this it was just about being a good mom, I am finding out it is about being a better person. The person I want to be is not just a good mom, but a good person, a great friend, and a good partner...the person I strive to be is open, honest, loving, caring, genuine, loyal, faithful, and happy...free from all the drama and negativity that has dominated my life for so long, and willing to take chances on and rely on other people, even if it means I could get my heart broken.
Ya know, this life of mine is far from ideal, I miss my kid all the time, have all kinds of guilt, and while I know I am getting there, I am far from that great girl I strive to be...the great thing? I am finally enjoying the ride.
So had a nice night last night. Went out with Gigi and the girls, did the whole grown up bar scene. I had fun, I can almost always have fun, regardless of where I go or who I am out with, but I realized last night how NOT cool I am. I was standing in the middle of the young, hip, rich crowd like a deer in headlights. On one hand I would like to think I could fit in, but on the other, why? I am who I am, and it's probably high time I faced the music. I am a single mom, almost 35 years old, I'm not young, hip or rich...I can't afford $15 drinks or designer clothes. I would like to get to where I could afford all the finer things, they are nice after all, but I am finding the things I enjoy the most aren't things...I am starting to really connect with people, and make friends and those connections are what get me through and bring me happiness.
For the first time in my life I have girlfriends, I have a circle of women that I feel comfortable with, that I like hanging out with, that I talk to everyday, and I really like. Even my relationship with Smash has gotten deeper and more real. This journey I have been on the last year, this finding myself, learning how to love, learning how to be open and honest has been excruciating. It is hard to break down walls that have been up for 30years, open old wounds so they can heal properly, learn to love and trust and be open when you never have...it is hard, but it is worth it. I thought when I started all this it was just about being a good mom, I am finding out it is about being a better person. The person I want to be is not just a good mom, but a good person, a great friend, and a good partner...the person I strive to be is open, honest, loving, caring, genuine, loyal, faithful, and happy...free from all the drama and negativity that has dominated my life for so long, and willing to take chances on and rely on other people, even if it means I could get my heart broken.
Ya know, this life of mine is far from ideal, I miss my kid all the time, have all kinds of guilt, and while I know I am getting there, I am far from that great girl I strive to be...the great thing? I am finally enjoying the ride.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
draggin
Draggin' a little today...didn't sleep great (big surprise) and 5:30 came early, too early. The Pea and I had a great night, and I gotta give props to Chick-fil-A for their "family night." Not only do they have the free ice cream and entertainment for the kids, but they are NICE (imagine that!) and helpful. May sound silly but when you are in there, balancing a tray full of food and drinks, a wallet, a phone and coats and you have a three year old running wild, it is nice to have someone offer to help you...they don't do that anywhere else. Our good night was followed by a good morning, and the drive to work was uneventful...all good, and yet I feel kinda blah.
Hmmm, maybe I need more coffee...
Goin' to get coffee, more later.
Hmmm, maybe I need more coffee...
Goin' to get coffee, more later.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
crazy
Whew...been one of those crazy busy days...got to work at 7am and have been nonstop until just now. I love days like today because I never have a chance to think or worry, and once I get in the car to go home I am so glad to have the time to myself it doesn't seem like such a long drive. So speakin' of crazy busy...having some family drama, my grandmother is at it again...and I am so over drama. Apparently my grandmother thinks Smash and I are mad at her, she inferred this because we haven't been around to visit lately and is mad at my mom for not telling her why we are mad at her. She is very busy telling everyone (except me and Smash of course) about it. Well, we aren't mad, don't have a reason to be, and not once during all this (which has according to my mom, been going on for months) has she picked up the phone to call me, or Smash, to ask us if we are, in fact mad. Come to think of it she hasn't called period, not to check on either of us or ask us how we are, or even to just say hello.
Hmmmm, so a GROWN woman, instead of just calling to check on her granddaughter to ask her how she is and if she is mad, calls everyone else on the planet (including the granddaughter's EX husband) and creates a whole ridiculous crisis and gets mad at a neutral third party for not telling her why when there is no why...yeah, makes perfect sense...in drama land. I am so over the drama queen thing, so over her being a martyr and making everything about her...it never once occurred to her that I haven't been around because I HAVE BEEN BUSY. Uh, yeah lets see in the last few months I have had to: start a full time job, move, buy a car, completely change my whole life and all the while taking care of a 3 year old and all that that entails...hmmmmm, no nothing to do with that at all, must be something she did. Youngest is enough of a queen, thank you very much, we really don't need one of the drama variety in the family.
I hate it, I hate that there is ALWAYS some new drama with her, and yet I don't want to shut her out of my life. She is my grandma, she helped raise me (and Smash), she has a good heart and loves us...and yet she drives me crazy...I can't afford crazy right now. I am not strong enough to be able to just suck it up...it LITERALLY exhausts me to be around her. I am exhausted enough as it is, when I have a free day, the last thing I want to do is go visit her and be subjected to the ridiculousness.
Oh well...I guess that is enough ranting for one day...every family has a little crazy, a little drama, a few queens...right?
Hmmmm, so a GROWN woman, instead of just calling to check on her granddaughter to ask her how she is and if she is mad, calls everyone else on the planet (including the granddaughter's EX husband) and creates a whole ridiculous crisis and gets mad at a neutral third party for not telling her why when there is no why...yeah, makes perfect sense...in drama land. I am so over the drama queen thing, so over her being a martyr and making everything about her...it never once occurred to her that I haven't been around because I HAVE BEEN BUSY. Uh, yeah lets see in the last few months I have had to: start a full time job, move, buy a car, completely change my whole life and all the while taking care of a 3 year old and all that that entails...hmmmmm, no nothing to do with that at all, must be something she did. Youngest is enough of a queen, thank you very much, we really don't need one of the drama variety in the family.
I hate it, I hate that there is ALWAYS some new drama with her, and yet I don't want to shut her out of my life. She is my grandma, she helped raise me (and Smash), she has a good heart and loves us...and yet she drives me crazy...I can't afford crazy right now. I am not strong enough to be able to just suck it up...it LITERALLY exhausts me to be around her. I am exhausted enough as it is, when I have a free day, the last thing I want to do is go visit her and be subjected to the ridiculousness.
Oh well...I guess that is enough ranting for one day...every family has a little crazy, a little drama, a few queens...right?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
click clack moo
Last night I watched Casablanca...and can I just say, "WTF?" Apparently, I was the last adult alive on the planet who hadn't seen it, and since it is the greatest movie of all time was missing out...well I didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I wasn't moved to action or left questioning my life, all criteria in my mind for a great flick, and while I didn't feel like I wasted two hours of my life it's not one of MY all time favorite movies. Oh, and as far as the love story part...I guess I am more of the Bridget Jones Diary school of thought on how love stories should go: boy agonizes over girl, girl makes fool out of self for boy, boy finds this charming and lovely, boy and girl fall madly in love...cuz I didn't like it much...I didn't love Titanic either so I guess I'm just weird.
So anyway, I got the movie from the library...I went on Friday while the Pea was in school. I usually only go with her, so she can get books, and I end up grabbing whatever books I haven't read off of the new releases rack as quickly as I can before she starts pulling books down and wrecking the place. I don't ever get to really enjoy the experience, or browse, or sit on the floor in the middle of a stack reading like I used to before I had her. Friday I decided I would, and I must say, even though I know there are many who would disagree, I think the library is one of the best ways our tax dollars are spent. I know a lot of people don't take advantage, and it is a huge chunk of change, but I love it. I love that we have a place to go that is quiet and warm and filled with things I adore, all available to me, for free. Now I love the big ol' discount book stores with the coffee shops in them as well, and have spent many hours sitting on the floor reading in one of those too, but ultimately (because I can walk out with a big fat stack of books and not spend a dime) library wins, hands down.
I didn't even know the library had movies until Friday. I knew they had books on CD, because I have been checking them out and listening to them in the car, but I literally stumbled on the DVDs looking for a particular book on CD, and WOW! How cool is that? Don't have to rent them, don't have to buy them, now, when I want to watch a movie just check one out...sweet...course the selection is limited, but in browsing I noticed they had some pretty good ones, so I am excited.
Since the movies are only three day rentals and I have to return the movie today, I just asked the Pea to gather up all her library books so we can return them, and so I can write in peace...I am giggling as I write, because instead of gathering them up she is "reading" one of them, out loud. It happens to be one about cows who type Click Clack Moo and as I am click clacking away on my little laptop she is saying "click clack moo, click clack moo..." hee, hee...just a little visual I thought you would enjoy.
So anyway, I got the movie from the library...I went on Friday while the Pea was in school. I usually only go with her, so she can get books, and I end up grabbing whatever books I haven't read off of the new releases rack as quickly as I can before she starts pulling books down and wrecking the place. I don't ever get to really enjoy the experience, or browse, or sit on the floor in the middle of a stack reading like I used to before I had her. Friday I decided I would, and I must say, even though I know there are many who would disagree, I think the library is one of the best ways our tax dollars are spent. I know a lot of people don't take advantage, and it is a huge chunk of change, but I love it. I love that we have a place to go that is quiet and warm and filled with things I adore, all available to me, for free. Now I love the big ol' discount book stores with the coffee shops in them as well, and have spent many hours sitting on the floor reading in one of those too, but ultimately (because I can walk out with a big fat stack of books and not spend a dime) library wins, hands down.
I didn't even know the library had movies until Friday. I knew they had books on CD, because I have been checking them out and listening to them in the car, but I literally stumbled on the DVDs looking for a particular book on CD, and WOW! How cool is that? Don't have to rent them, don't have to buy them, now, when I want to watch a movie just check one out...sweet...course the selection is limited, but in browsing I noticed they had some pretty good ones, so I am excited.
Since the movies are only three day rentals and I have to return the movie today, I just asked the Pea to gather up all her library books so we can return them, and so I can write in peace...I am giggling as I write, because instead of gathering them up she is "reading" one of them, out loud. It happens to be one about cows who type Click Clack Moo and as I am click clacking away on my little laptop she is saying "click clack moo, click clack moo..." hee, hee...just a little visual I thought you would enjoy.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
whoo hoo
Whoo hoo! I am taking the Pea up north for a week at Christmas...I am so relieved DH agreed to let me take her, and so damn excited about seeing the family, especially Smash and the boys. Smash is paying for the plane tickets (thanks lady!) and we have all agreed to cool it on presents and just enjoy being together. The Pea doesn't know yet, I think I will hold off on telling her because she doesn't really understand the concept of future yet. If I tell her we are going she will head out the door, and be pissed off as hell that I don't follow and drive her to the airport.
Smash and I have managed to get together every Christmas or Thanksgiving since the kids were born and I was afraid with what has been going on this year it might be the first that we weren't able. Having it all fall into place this morning was great...I needed a little boost. I didn't get much sleep last night, had to be to work early this morning and it is a cold, rainy, dreary day. On top of that I am in the middle of a project at work that is now at a standstill while we wait for some information from an outside source and I don't have jack shit to do.
Have you noticed BTW that all the stores and the malls have their decorations up and Christmas music playing? Isn't it a little early for that? Santa is going to be at our mall starting THIS WEEKEND...wow. I am all about the holidays...love 'em, but do we really need a month and a half...aren't a few weeks sufficient...and with the economy the way it is, seems to me it is a kinda cruel reminder to those folks who are going to have a sparse one...ok, hopping off my soap box...more later.
Smash and I have managed to get together every Christmas or Thanksgiving since the kids were born and I was afraid with what has been going on this year it might be the first that we weren't able. Having it all fall into place this morning was great...I needed a little boost. I didn't get much sleep last night, had to be to work early this morning and it is a cold, rainy, dreary day. On top of that I am in the middle of a project at work that is now at a standstill while we wait for some information from an outside source and I don't have jack shit to do.
Have you noticed BTW that all the stores and the malls have their decorations up and Christmas music playing? Isn't it a little early for that? Santa is going to be at our mall starting THIS WEEKEND...wow. I am all about the holidays...love 'em, but do we really need a month and a half...aren't a few weeks sufficient...and with the economy the way it is, seems to me it is a kinda cruel reminder to those folks who are going to have a sparse one...ok, hopping off my soap box...more later.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
have fun with that
For those of you with Gmail you may or may not have noticed, but now they have video chat...yeah, when you sign on, up at the top of the screen with your settings etc is a new tag line NEW! Video Chat. Well yee haw, count me OUT.
Now I know for those of you dating long distance, or with new babies and parents out of town you probably think this is FABULOUS...I am thinking of the rest of us. I, for one, do most of my chatting at night, after I put the Pea to bed...I am sitting cross legged in my chair in front of the computer, face scrubbed clean, hair in a pony tail, PJs on, usually with a glass of wine in my left hand (cuz I type with my right) and bag of potato chips on my lap...I don't want anyone seeing me like that...the beauty of chatting online is you don't even have to be as engaged as you are on the phone. You can eat and drink and take pee breaks (granted some of you get the joy of all of these when you are on the phone with me, but you are in the minority, consider yourselves special) and the person you are chatting with only knows you are rolling your eyes if you tell them.
So to all of you racing out to buy those little cameras you clamp on your computer, or who already have them and are buzzing with excitement that you have a new way to use them...have fun with that! And don't be self conscious at all...really, the fact that whoever you are chatting with will see when you type something and then erase it all, when you sit there with a dumb look on your face while trying to determine the right word or spelling, when you inadvertently pick your nose, or worse your ass, or when you spill your wine down the front of yourself and jump up cussing while you take your shirt off (ok, maybe that one would just be me), wouldn't worry about it at all...seriously, have fun with that.
Now I know for those of you dating long distance, or with new babies and parents out of town you probably think this is FABULOUS...I am thinking of the rest of us. I, for one, do most of my chatting at night, after I put the Pea to bed...I am sitting cross legged in my chair in front of the computer, face scrubbed clean, hair in a pony tail, PJs on, usually with a glass of wine in my left hand (cuz I type with my right) and bag of potato chips on my lap...I don't want anyone seeing me like that...the beauty of chatting online is you don't even have to be as engaged as you are on the phone. You can eat and drink and take pee breaks (granted some of you get the joy of all of these when you are on the phone with me, but you are in the minority, consider yourselves special) and the person you are chatting with only knows you are rolling your eyes if you tell them.
So to all of you racing out to buy those little cameras you clamp on your computer, or who already have them and are buzzing with excitement that you have a new way to use them...have fun with that! And don't be self conscious at all...really, the fact that whoever you are chatting with will see when you type something and then erase it all, when you sit there with a dumb look on your face while trying to determine the right word or spelling, when you inadvertently pick your nose, or worse your ass, or when you spill your wine down the front of yourself and jump up cussing while you take your shirt off (ok, maybe that one would just be me), wouldn't worry about it at all...seriously, have fun with that.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
anyone seen my fairy godmother?
Ahhh, fall Sundays...gotta love 'em. Had a great day today, despite my team losing...the weather was perfect, had fun with the Pea and spent some quality time with one of my gfriends and her family. Ok, we got through the crazy birthday week and busy work week, things have settled down and are back to normal...why am I still so damn tired? I feel like I need to sleep for days. I slept great last night, and am feelin' good about most everything in my life right now, WTF? I don't like it much. I have a house that needs cleaning, laundry that needs to be done, and all kinds of assorted other domestic tasks that will only get done if I do them, and I am on the computer...brilliant...where the hell is that g-damn fairy godmother of mine?!
Wouldn't it be great if life were like the fairy tales sometimes...just wish upon a star and singing birds help with chores, a beautiful prince charming appears out of nowhere, and pumpkins turn into transportation with the flick of the wrist...of course with every prince charming there is a toad and every fairy godmother there is a wicked witch, and those carriages always turn back into pumpkins at the damnedest times...hmmm.
Well, since I really DO need to get a bunch of shit done before I start another week, I better get to it...that's the thing about Sundays I guess...they start out a day of rest and fun and turn into a night of scrambling to get ready for Monday...if only I could track down that bitch with the magic wand.
Wouldn't it be great if life were like the fairy tales sometimes...just wish upon a star and singing birds help with chores, a beautiful prince charming appears out of nowhere, and pumpkins turn into transportation with the flick of the wrist...of course with every prince charming there is a toad and every fairy godmother there is a wicked witch, and those carriages always turn back into pumpkins at the damnedest times...hmmm.
Well, since I really DO need to get a bunch of shit done before I start another week, I better get to it...that's the thing about Sundays I guess...they start out a day of rest and fun and turn into a night of scrambling to get ready for Monday...if only I could track down that bitch with the magic wand.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
hospitals: bad, yummy doctors: good
So one of my friends is having surgery today. I am nervous and scared for her...I know she is in good hands, and will be fine, but I can't help thinking, and worrying. I am at work, and actually have a bunch of stuff to do, but I am so distracted I keep getting into something and then spacing out wondering how she is. She sent me a text this morning and I texted back...I won't hear from her again, until she is out of recovery. I am determined to not have a panic attack when I see her. I really hate that I do that, I feel like I can't be a grownup in hospitals and it is SO frustrating. I want to be strong for her, and make sure she is well cared for, make sure when the nurses or doctors tell me something I don't pass out from all the medical talk. I don't want her worrying about me, or worse, getting pissed at me, cuz I'm not what she needs.
I hope when I get my shit worked out regarding B to put this whole medical phobia behind me. I hate being one of those people that can't be counted on in a medical crisis...I want to be strong, and knowledgeable, and capable...not a puddle on the floor. As I, and all my friends, get older, not to mention my parents and family, there will be more and more occasion to be in a hospital...I have to get over this. Not only that, I'm single now, and so don't have DH to take me and hold my hand with every medical procedure I have to get done. I thought I was doing better...last year when I had to get a little biopsy and DH and I were on the outs I managed to get through it without passing out, managed to clean it myself and even had the stitches removed without a hitch...I thought that meant things were better, but after making a FOOL out of myself earlier in the week getting a FLU SHOT, perhaps not.
Anyhoo, I suspect the more I think about it, the worse it will be, so I am going to try and focus on work...I hope tomorrow to have only good news and NO stories of me passing out on the hospital floor...unless of course they end in me getting picked up off the floor by a hot young doctor...hmmmm.
I hope when I get my shit worked out regarding B to put this whole medical phobia behind me. I hate being one of those people that can't be counted on in a medical crisis...I want to be strong, and knowledgeable, and capable...not a puddle on the floor. As I, and all my friends, get older, not to mention my parents and family, there will be more and more occasion to be in a hospital...I have to get over this. Not only that, I'm single now, and so don't have DH to take me and hold my hand with every medical procedure I have to get done. I thought I was doing better...last year when I had to get a little biopsy and DH and I were on the outs I managed to get through it without passing out, managed to clean it myself and even had the stitches removed without a hitch...I thought that meant things were better, but after making a FOOL out of myself earlier in the week getting a FLU SHOT, perhaps not.
Anyhoo, I suspect the more I think about it, the worse it will be, so I am going to try and focus on work...I hope tomorrow to have only good news and NO stories of me passing out on the hospital floor...unless of course they end in me getting picked up off the floor by a hot young doctor...hmmmm.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
birthday bliss
Last night was amazing...it was crazy and messy and the Pea had about 7 meltdowns..most of her presents are still sitting on the table unopened because it was just too overwhelming...red wine was spilled on white carpet, and yet I had a blast. I was so happy to have my girlfriends with me, celebrating my kid, that despite all the chaos and noise I allowed myself to enjoy it...I allowed myself to just enjoy the people around me and the blessing that is having a healthy three year old and I didn't stress like I usually do about all the little insignificant "disasters."
DH ended up stopping by...when he first called to say he had a change in plans and would be in town earlier than anticipated I was leery...I felt like maybe he just wanted to "check up" on me and I didn't like it, but I got to thinking about the Pea, and the fact that it was her birthday and she had every right to see her daddy...I spent almost every birthday of my life without mine, thanks in part to my mother, and I wasn't going to do that to her. Well he was totally focused on her, even got her ready for bed and played with her for awhile so Gigi and I could chat in peace, and I thought "ya know, I'm lucky, and I'm smarter than I thought, because despite not picking the right husband for myself I did a damn good job picking the right father for her," and perhaps, that is more important.
Speaking of fathers, I wrote B a letter...I will send it off today. It was fairly short, considering the magnitude, and to the point...I told him how he hurt me, what I need now, which is nothing, what I want now, which is an apology, and left the ball in his court. If he wants to contact me, at least now he knows where I am and my name, and if he doesn't at least I got to say what I needed to in order to move on. Smash read it, said it was perfect, and I feel good knowing that monkey is no longer on my back.
Well, the Pea will have her party at school today, complete with the 17 little fancy boxes filled with loot that I busted my ass to complete, and then all the birthday stuff will be behind us...until mine, that is, which I can only hope will be as loud, fun, chaotic and crazy...
DH ended up stopping by...when he first called to say he had a change in plans and would be in town earlier than anticipated I was leery...I felt like maybe he just wanted to "check up" on me and I didn't like it, but I got to thinking about the Pea, and the fact that it was her birthday and she had every right to see her daddy...I spent almost every birthday of my life without mine, thanks in part to my mother, and I wasn't going to do that to her. Well he was totally focused on her, even got her ready for bed and played with her for awhile so Gigi and I could chat in peace, and I thought "ya know, I'm lucky, and I'm smarter than I thought, because despite not picking the right husband for myself I did a damn good job picking the right father for her," and perhaps, that is more important.
Speaking of fathers, I wrote B a letter...I will send it off today. It was fairly short, considering the magnitude, and to the point...I told him how he hurt me, what I need now, which is nothing, what I want now, which is an apology, and left the ball in his court. If he wants to contact me, at least now he knows where I am and my name, and if he doesn't at least I got to say what I needed to in order to move on. Smash read it, said it was perfect, and I feel good knowing that monkey is no longer on my back.
Well, the Pea will have her party at school today, complete with the 17 little fancy boxes filled with loot that I busted my ass to complete, and then all the birthday stuff will be behind us...until mine, that is, which I can only hope will be as loud, fun, chaotic and crazy...
Monday, November 3, 2008
it's all about the box(es)
Today is my baby girl's birthday...three years ago I was in labor, and ready to greet my little Pea. Last night I was in labor as well, a slightly less painful one, granted, but a labor of love nonetheless. I was assembling favor boxes for the little one's birthday party at her school. The party will be tomorrow, but since my girls are coming over tonight to celebrate the little Pea, and I imagine many glasses of wine will be consumed, I figured it best to knock them out early to make sure they got done...thank God I did.
When I originally ordered these boxes I blithely assumed they would already be boxes and filled with goodies...after all that was what the picture in the catalog showed. Imagine my surprise when a rather small box showed up on my door step from the company I had ordered them from. I opened the box to discover bags of goodies, and a stack of brightly printed cardboard and directions. Of course, duh...I am supposed to turn this stack of cardboard into 17 favor boxes and then fill them with the loot. Me, moi, the mommy, all by myownself, and since I am without an engineering degree (seriously Smash, could have used your help, wow) with much trouble.
See, these were no ordinary little boxes, no, no...these were FANCY, and so required the removal of section A, but NOT section B, and the folding down of part 1, but NOT part 2, and the insertion of tab F into slot G and so on, and so on, AND SO ON...O.M.G!!! What I thought, upon sitting down at 8pm with my glass of wine and remote, to be an hour long project easily completed while watching football and sipping Pinot Grigio turned into a battle. A hard fought battle that ended up outlasting the game and with MUCH cussing. I was ready to throw each one of those $5 not yet assembled boxes in the trash and gleefully set them afire...fortunately I remembered they were $5 each and did not. They are all assembled and sitting on my kitchen table, with the cupcakes and party hats for tomorrow's party.
I think next year, we will have goodie BAGS.
When I originally ordered these boxes I blithely assumed they would already be boxes and filled with goodies...after all that was what the picture in the catalog showed. Imagine my surprise when a rather small box showed up on my door step from the company I had ordered them from. I opened the box to discover bags of goodies, and a stack of brightly printed cardboard and directions. Of course, duh...I am supposed to turn this stack of cardboard into 17 favor boxes and then fill them with the loot. Me, moi, the mommy, all by myownself, and since I am without an engineering degree (seriously Smash, could have used your help, wow) with much trouble.
See, these were no ordinary little boxes, no, no...these were FANCY, and so required the removal of section A, but NOT section B, and the folding down of part 1, but NOT part 2, and the insertion of tab F into slot G and so on, and so on, AND SO ON...O.M.G!!! What I thought, upon sitting down at 8pm with my glass of wine and remote, to be an hour long project easily completed while watching football and sipping Pinot Grigio turned into a battle. A hard fought battle that ended up outlasting the game and with MUCH cussing. I was ready to throw each one of those $5 not yet assembled boxes in the trash and gleefully set them afire...fortunately I remembered they were $5 each and did not. They are all assembled and sitting on my kitchen table, with the cupcakes and party hats for tomorrow's party.
I think next year, we will have goodie BAGS.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
sunday
Had the gift of an extra hour last night and did I use it? NO, of course not, should have gotten an extra hour of sleep or maybe cleaned the house, or who knows what, but what did I do, I laid in bed, wide awake. The Pea slept in this morning too, and instead of being asleep with her, I was laying in bed waiting for her to get up...willing her to stay in bed so I could sleep, but not asleep myself. So it's Sunday, we will do our doughnut run soon, get some shopping done, and because tomorrow is the Pea's birthday I will spend the day getting ready for that, and for the week. Busy week coming up, between birthday stuff and work and now one of my girlfriends is having surgery...I think it will be a good thing, me busy, because I have had some "stuff" come up that I know I need to deal with, and don't know how to yet.
The other night watching Grey's Anatomy, I remembered being five, spending countless hours in the hospital with B. I remember following him everywhere, watching, learning, reading...I was going to follow in his footsteps, I was going to be a doctor. Well of course that didn't happen, in his eyes I am a big fat failure, and now I can't go in a hospital without having a panic attack. The panic attacks started when I was twelve, coincidentally (or not), that was when I last saw B. They are better now, since having the Pea...I still will have one from time to time, but they aren't as bad, and I know when they are coming so I will generally find a place to sit down before passing out. Ya know, it's funny, I didn't have a single one when I was in the hospital for her birth, hmmm.
Ok, anyway...watching the show, remembering that time, made me think of B, and a whole host of emotions came bubbling up that I thought I had long since stomped down. I realized that I hadn't dealt with the pain of him choosing to not be in my life, but rather ignored it, and apparently NOW I am ready to deal with it. I guess I am finally strong enough, and in a safe enough place, that I can go there. In the episode, the Chief apologizes to Meridith, and then says that all the apologies in the world don't change things, and he knows that. I guess I want an apology too...I want to know that he "gets" what he did to me and Smash. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I know I can work out my stuff without it happening, MiMi will help with that, but now it's on the radar, and regardless of HOW I work through it, I know I have to work through it.
I have one more hurdle to jump before I can jump into another relationship. It's a little scary, I have spent so long pretending it didn't matter, HE didn't matter, that now to admit it does and I am not "over" it...well I guess it "proves" I'm broken, proves I have issues. I am a cliche, one of those silly girls with daddy issues that chooses inappropriate men and drinks too much and pretends it's all ok. YUCK...yuck, yuck, yuck...I don't want to be a cliche, I don't want to be one of those girls, I don't want to be because that is not who I want the Pea to have as a mom.
Anyway, the Pea just ran in and announced her show was over and she wanted a "punkin doyut," so we are off, and for now, I will try not to think about anything other than coffee and pumpkin doughnuts.
The other night watching Grey's Anatomy, I remembered being five, spending countless hours in the hospital with B. I remember following him everywhere, watching, learning, reading...I was going to follow in his footsteps, I was going to be a doctor. Well of course that didn't happen, in his eyes I am a big fat failure, and now I can't go in a hospital without having a panic attack. The panic attacks started when I was twelve, coincidentally (or not), that was when I last saw B. They are better now, since having the Pea...I still will have one from time to time, but they aren't as bad, and I know when they are coming so I will generally find a place to sit down before passing out. Ya know, it's funny, I didn't have a single one when I was in the hospital for her birth, hmmm.
Ok, anyway...watching the show, remembering that time, made me think of B, and a whole host of emotions came bubbling up that I thought I had long since stomped down. I realized that I hadn't dealt with the pain of him choosing to not be in my life, but rather ignored it, and apparently NOW I am ready to deal with it. I guess I am finally strong enough, and in a safe enough place, that I can go there. In the episode, the Chief apologizes to Meridith, and then says that all the apologies in the world don't change things, and he knows that. I guess I want an apology too...I want to know that he "gets" what he did to me and Smash. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I know I can work out my stuff without it happening, MiMi will help with that, but now it's on the radar, and regardless of HOW I work through it, I know I have to work through it.
I have one more hurdle to jump before I can jump into another relationship. It's a little scary, I have spent so long pretending it didn't matter, HE didn't matter, that now to admit it does and I am not "over" it...well I guess it "proves" I'm broken, proves I have issues. I am a cliche, one of those silly girls with daddy issues that chooses inappropriate men and drinks too much and pretends it's all ok. YUCK...yuck, yuck, yuck...I don't want to be a cliche, I don't want to be one of those girls, I don't want to be because that is not who I want the Pea to have as a mom.
Anyway, the Pea just ran in and announced her show was over and she wanted a "punkin doyut," so we are off, and for now, I will try not to think about anything other than coffee and pumpkin doughnuts.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
addictions and pictures
Well I am not just an addict, I'm a pusher...yup, that's right...last night at 10:30 Smash called me from a Dunkin Donuts drive thru: "OMG, you know those pumpkin doughnuts you like so much, well I tried one the other day and now I'm addicted too! I can't stop!" As I sit here typing, my large hazelnut coffee with skim milk and Splenda (the fewer calories I waste on the coffee the more doughnuts I can eat) is steaming and my half eaten pumpkin doughnut is taunting. We even discussed how we would manage once the little lovelies went away, because they are just a seasonal flavor...the thought of living without was just too much so we plan to freeze a couple dozen (I think we said six dozen to be exact). Oh you laugh, but we were serious...even discussing the merits of Ziploc baggies and what we would have to clear out of the freezer to make room for our little pumpkin friends. Hee hee.
So, lets see...had a pretty great week so far. Monday night went out and found a new watering hole...they didn't have $4 martinis but they did have $2 pints and pool tables. So after kicking Booya's ass (sorry man) on the pool table and sucking down a few of those pints I managed to get some sleep. Tuesday, work was slow, but because I had come in early got to head home early and see my little Pea. Ended up having a really nice night at home and then yesterday was so busy at work the day just flew by. Last night after leaving work I went and bought a digital camera...DH has one that I used religiously the first two and a half years of the Pea's life, but since moving out I haven't been able to take any pictures, other than on my phone. There was no way I was gonna let Halloween and her birthday go by without a ridiculous number of pictures.
I used to feel a little self-conscious bringing in to work pictures of the Pea, almost shy about it. I would bring them in all excited to show people and then not show them unless someone asked because it seemed pushy and arrogant "Here look at these - isn't my kid cute?!" Kinda obnoxious...until, that is, my office mate brought in pictures OF HIS DOG. Now, I have nothing against taking pictures of your dog, I used to do it all the time, especially if she was being especially cute...and nothing against sharing those pictures now and then, but this was different. At a point in the afternoon when no one was on the phone or in the middle of a big project he called us all around to "take a look at something." Well usually that means a video of a plane crash or some other aviation anomaly and then we all sit around and talk about it.
We all gather around, bated breath, and he pulls out a STACK of 8 by 10 glossies...of his dog...IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Oh yeah...What do you say? "Oh my god, how cute!" Well as the other girls in the office all fawned and shrieked and went on and on over what appeared to be an overgrown hamster in a fairy princess get up I thought to myself, "OK, no more feelin' self-conscious about bringing in the occasional picture of the Pea." These ladies are totally into it, they are eatin' it up...So anyway...tomorrow as my little Pea struts around beggin' for candy, I will be snapping pictures like a maniac and you can be sure the girls in the office will be shrieking and fawning Monday morning, whether they like it or not.
Well, my coffee has cooled and my doughnut is long gone...the office is starting to fill up and I probably ought to try and find something to do...ooooh, maybe someone has pictures of their cat...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JJ!!!!!! AUNTI LOVES YOU!!!!
So, lets see...had a pretty great week so far. Monday night went out and found a new watering hole...they didn't have $4 martinis but they did have $2 pints and pool tables. So after kicking Booya's ass (sorry man) on the pool table and sucking down a few of those pints I managed to get some sleep. Tuesday, work was slow, but because I had come in early got to head home early and see my little Pea. Ended up having a really nice night at home and then yesterday was so busy at work the day just flew by. Last night after leaving work I went and bought a digital camera...DH has one that I used religiously the first two and a half years of the Pea's life, but since moving out I haven't been able to take any pictures, other than on my phone. There was no way I was gonna let Halloween and her birthday go by without a ridiculous number of pictures.
I used to feel a little self-conscious bringing in to work pictures of the Pea, almost shy about it. I would bring them in all excited to show people and then not show them unless someone asked because it seemed pushy and arrogant "Here look at these - isn't my kid cute?!" Kinda obnoxious...until, that is, my office mate brought in pictures OF HIS DOG. Now, I have nothing against taking pictures of your dog, I used to do it all the time, especially if she was being especially cute...and nothing against sharing those pictures now and then, but this was different. At a point in the afternoon when no one was on the phone or in the middle of a big project he called us all around to "take a look at something." Well usually that means a video of a plane crash or some other aviation anomaly and then we all sit around and talk about it.
We all gather around, bated breath, and he pulls out a STACK of 8 by 10 glossies...of his dog...IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Oh yeah...What do you say? "Oh my god, how cute!" Well as the other girls in the office all fawned and shrieked and went on and on over what appeared to be an overgrown hamster in a fairy princess get up I thought to myself, "OK, no more feelin' self-conscious about bringing in the occasional picture of the Pea." These ladies are totally into it, they are eatin' it up...So anyway...tomorrow as my little Pea struts around beggin' for candy, I will be snapping pictures like a maniac and you can be sure the girls in the office will be shrieking and fawning Monday morning, whether they like it or not.
Well, my coffee has cooled and my doughnut is long gone...the office is starting to fill up and I probably ought to try and find something to do...ooooh, maybe someone has pictures of their cat...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JJ!!!!!! AUNTI LOVES YOU!!!!
Monday, October 27, 2008
fall
This morning, on my drive to work, I watched the sun rise...as it rose above the horizon and illuminated the trees, all changing into various shades of crimson and gold, I thought about the season. Fall, Autumn, whatever you want to call it...for me as of late, has become my season of new beginnings. JJ, Boo and the Pea were all born in the fall...each one of them arrived home from the hospital with a backdrop of multicolored leaves and crisp cool air. I love that NOW, whenever I have a sunny, beautiful, fall day I think back to each of their births and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy.
JJ was born two weeks late...I wasn't working at the time, as a result of losing my job following 9-11, and was pretty down...I saw his birth as an opportunity to DO something...I was going to get there AFTER the baby came, and HELP. As it happened I arrived to find Smash laid up in a hospital bed...10 months pregnant, still no baby, and I never did end up being much of a help. When JJ came home a few days later, the light was perfect, the air was crisp and the leaves crunched underneath our feet as Smash's DH carried the new, chubby cheeked little man into the house, I snapped pictures, and Smash hobbled behind. It wasn't just a new beginning for her and her new baby, it was a new beginning for me...I was an Aunti now, and I felt a love for that child that I had never felt before.
Boo came just two short years later, late, just like his big brother...apparently Smash's womb is like one of those perfect lounge chairs you just don't wanna get out of...and again, I arrived to find my sister STILL pregnant even though we thought we had planned for me to arrive AFTER the birth. Boo also came home on a beautiful, sunny, crisp cool day.
Two years after that, I found myself HUGE with child, and like Smash, overdue. I was doing everything to try to get that baby movin'...I wanted to meet her, damnit, and I didn't want to wait another day. I was molesting DH daily, sometimes twice daily, much to his chagrin, because sex was supposed to get things going, and FINALLY after one of our more rigorous romps I had a contraction, a bad one, and it wasn't one of those mild, "could this be it?" Braxton-Hicks, it was the real deal...holy shit. Twenty four long, exhausting, excruciating hours later I had my Pea. Unlike the boys, she came home in the dark, two nights later, but the next morning when we ventured outside for pictures, we were greeted by a perfect sunny fall day.
It's now three years later, and neither Smash nor I are due, or in our cases overdue, to give birth. I am, however, looking forward to ushering in my new life, my new beginning, this fall. It is not nearly as exciting or terrifying as a new baby...there won't be pictures or announcements, I won't be getting gifts or cards...but, it will forever change me, make me a better person, and give me a whole new perspective.
JJ was born two weeks late...I wasn't working at the time, as a result of losing my job following 9-11, and was pretty down...I saw his birth as an opportunity to DO something...I was going to get there AFTER the baby came, and HELP. As it happened I arrived to find Smash laid up in a hospital bed...10 months pregnant, still no baby, and I never did end up being much of a help. When JJ came home a few days later, the light was perfect, the air was crisp and the leaves crunched underneath our feet as Smash's DH carried the new, chubby cheeked little man into the house, I snapped pictures, and Smash hobbled behind. It wasn't just a new beginning for her and her new baby, it was a new beginning for me...I was an Aunti now, and I felt a love for that child that I had never felt before.
Boo came just two short years later, late, just like his big brother...apparently Smash's womb is like one of those perfect lounge chairs you just don't wanna get out of...and again, I arrived to find my sister STILL pregnant even though we thought we had planned for me to arrive AFTER the birth. Boo also came home on a beautiful, sunny, crisp cool day.
Two years after that, I found myself HUGE with child, and like Smash, overdue. I was doing everything to try to get that baby movin'...I wanted to meet her, damnit, and I didn't want to wait another day. I was molesting DH daily, sometimes twice daily, much to his chagrin, because sex was supposed to get things going, and FINALLY after one of our more rigorous romps I had a contraction, a bad one, and it wasn't one of those mild, "could this be it?" Braxton-Hicks, it was the real deal...holy shit. Twenty four long, exhausting, excruciating hours later I had my Pea. Unlike the boys, she came home in the dark, two nights later, but the next morning when we ventured outside for pictures, we were greeted by a perfect sunny fall day.
It's now three years later, and neither Smash nor I are due, or in our cases overdue, to give birth. I am, however, looking forward to ushering in my new life, my new beginning, this fall. It is not nearly as exciting or terrifying as a new baby...there won't be pictures or announcements, I won't be getting gifts or cards...but, it will forever change me, make me a better person, and give me a whole new perspective.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
don't like it much
I am supposed to be asleep right now...I have a nasty cold that is kicking my ass, and taking care of an almost 3 year old is hell. I finally caved and asked DH to take the Pea for a few hours so I could get some sleep and I am not sleeping. It figures...all morning I have been half falling asleep trying to deal and now I have an hour or so left of peace and quiet without responsibility and I am on the computer.
She was so damn excited to see him...I told her he was on the way and she went outside to wait even though I told her it would be at least 15 minutes...when he got here she ran to him, jumped in his arms and squeezed with all her might. I know I should be happy about that, glad that he could come get her, and glad that she was excited about it, but instead I wanted to shout "NO, wait, never mind, I'm fine, I can handle it," and ever since I have been sitting here thinking...never good...instead of relaxing.
This is the first, I'm sure of many, illnesses I have had as a single mommy. It is a good thing it's only a cold, and not the flu or worse...I never thought about getting sick...I usually don't get sick, and there I was this morning, completely drained of energy, sneezing, sniffling and hoarse. I wanted to just lay on the couch and have someone take care of me while I watched bad TV. Instead, I had to do the care taking...I had to diaper, and feed, and entertain, and it occurred to me this is how it will be from now on. Gotta say, despite sounding whiny and silly, don't like it much...don't like it much at all.
She was so damn excited to see him...I told her he was on the way and she went outside to wait even though I told her it would be at least 15 minutes...when he got here she ran to him, jumped in his arms and squeezed with all her might. I know I should be happy about that, glad that he could come get her, and glad that she was excited about it, but instead I wanted to shout "NO, wait, never mind, I'm fine, I can handle it," and ever since I have been sitting here thinking...never good...instead of relaxing.
This is the first, I'm sure of many, illnesses I have had as a single mommy. It is a good thing it's only a cold, and not the flu or worse...I never thought about getting sick...I usually don't get sick, and there I was this morning, completely drained of energy, sneezing, sniffling and hoarse. I wanted to just lay on the couch and have someone take care of me while I watched bad TV. Instead, I had to do the care taking...I had to diaper, and feed, and entertain, and it occurred to me this is how it will be from now on. Gotta say, despite sounding whiny and silly, don't like it much...don't like it much at all.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
amazing
It is AMAZING what a good night of sleep will do for a person. I feel awesome, I actually woke up BEFORE the alarm went off, and was awake and functioning before my first sip of coffee. I still stopped for coffee of course, out of habit, and well, because I wanted a pumpkin doughnut...they are my new heroin. I have finally kicked the Diet Coke habit only to replace it with PUMPKIN DOUGHNUTS. I went from no calories to like a zillion, and the slight chance of cancer to the very real chance of getting a BIG FAT ASS. Fabulous.
Ok, back to my great night...so prior to the sleep fest, which was not interrupted by unwanted calls or out of control dogs, Booya, JD, and I parked it on the couch, scarfed Mexican (OMG, sooo good) and watched an old movie. We were planning on Casablanca, but apparently the video store here had only ONE copy and someone else had it out already. One copy?! It's a classic, how do they only have ONE copy - ugh. Oh well, the movie we did end up with was cool, and we had a nice time, and I was in bed by 10pm, fat and happy.
So after spending a nice night, sandwiched between two lovely boys (neither of which I am, or ever will be, sleeping with) I got to thinking about how much I LIKE having men in my life that I DON'T sleep with...it's nice. Well this got me thinking about Jill Connor Browne's advice in Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love, about the men you need in your life:
"The basic five men each woman should have in her life are (1) a man who can fix things, (2) a man you can dance with, (3) a man who can pay for things, (4) a man you can talk to and (5) a man to have great sex with. The great news is that four out of the five can be gay."
I would like to add (6) a man you can "hang" with. Whether it's watching tv on the couch or sittin' at a bar, someone who you can totally be yourself with, even if that self is silly or cranky or sad or fun. None of my boys happen to be gay, but most are attached to other women so they might as well be, and I am happy to announce that I have all but a man to pay for things and a man to have great sex with...I'm gonna have to work on those. Thus far I am enjoying the paying for stuff myownself, and since I have decided to be particular, am in no hurry to audition new candidates for the great sex.
Well, my coffee is gone, so I am off to get a refill...the office is filling up and starting to bustle with activity, and since I don't feel like crawling under my desk for a nap, I might be able to get some work done.
Ok, back to my great night...so prior to the sleep fest, which was not interrupted by unwanted calls or out of control dogs, Booya, JD, and I parked it on the couch, scarfed Mexican (OMG, sooo good) and watched an old movie. We were planning on Casablanca, but apparently the video store here had only ONE copy and someone else had it out already. One copy?! It's a classic, how do they only have ONE copy - ugh. Oh well, the movie we did end up with was cool, and we had a nice time, and I was in bed by 10pm, fat and happy.
So after spending a nice night, sandwiched between two lovely boys (neither of which I am, or ever will be, sleeping with) I got to thinking about how much I LIKE having men in my life that I DON'T sleep with...it's nice. Well this got me thinking about Jill Connor Browne's advice in Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love, about the men you need in your life:
"The basic five men each woman should have in her life are (1) a man who can fix things, (2) a man you can dance with, (3) a man who can pay for things, (4) a man you can talk to and (5) a man to have great sex with. The great news is that four out of the five can be gay."
I would like to add (6) a man you can "hang" with. Whether it's watching tv on the couch or sittin' at a bar, someone who you can totally be yourself with, even if that self is silly or cranky or sad or fun. None of my boys happen to be gay, but most are attached to other women so they might as well be, and I am happy to announce that I have all but a man to pay for things and a man to have great sex with...I'm gonna have to work on those. Thus far I am enjoying the paying for stuff myownself, and since I have decided to be particular, am in no hurry to audition new candidates for the great sex.
Well, my coffee is gone, so I am off to get a refill...the office is filling up and starting to bustle with activity, and since I don't feel like crawling under my desk for a nap, I might be able to get some work done.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
oh well
Well, I am finally starting to sleep better and apparently that is just unacceptable. Two nights ago I was in bed AND ASLEEP by 10:30...this just doesn't happen in my world, and a random text woke me up at 12:30. Last night, again, miracle of miracles, in bed and asleep by 11:00. Next thing I know the neighbor's dog is FREAKING out and it sounds like it is in my bedroom...guess what time it was? Yup, 12:30...ugh...and of course I couldn't get back to sleep. When that alarm went off at 5:30 I wanted to cry...thank god for coffee.
So here I am, at work, yawning...trying to look alive, and what I really want to do is take a nap under my desk. Not a whole lot to do, I probably wouldn't be missed...hmmm, but then I would have bed head. Damn.
Wish I had more, a fun story...a bit of news...nope. Nada. Oh well.
So here I am, at work, yawning...trying to look alive, and what I really want to do is take a nap under my desk. Not a whole lot to do, I probably wouldn't be missed...hmmm, but then I would have bed head. Damn.
Wish I had more, a fun story...a bit of news...nope. Nada. Oh well.
Monday, October 20, 2008
another monday
So the dress was a hit...worth every penny - hee hee. The party Saturday night was so much fun. It was so good to see everyone, to hang with the club crowd, and to get a little crazy. I drank more than I planned, of course, and regretted it a little on Sunday afternoon when I had to attend a 3 year old's birthday party, but other than that, fabulous.
Work is quiet today...not much to do. So far this morning I have been returning emails and deciding which of the Pea's school pictures to order. Yup, got the proofs this morning, and OF COURSE I want them all, and a million of them. What a racket they have going...no one can resist pictures of their own kid, lookin' all cute, and the fact that they charge you three times what you can spend at any random photo studio is irrelevant...good thing I only spent $15 on that dress.
Work is quiet today...not much to do. So far this morning I have been returning emails and deciding which of the Pea's school pictures to order. Yup, got the proofs this morning, and OF COURSE I want them all, and a million of them. What a racket they have going...no one can resist pictures of their own kid, lookin' all cute, and the fact that they charge you three times what you can spend at any random photo studio is irrelevant...good thing I only spent $15 on that dress.
Friday, October 17, 2008
good karma
I had a MOST excellent day. The weather was perfect, the Pea was a doll, AND I got a killer dress for a killer deal...more on that later. So the day started with me waking up BEFORE the Pea, not only did I get a great night of sleep, but I woke up feeling good. We headed out early to go to the library and Dunkin Donuts. I was planning on heading home after that, but it was so nice out, we hit the park instead. Sitting outside, on a bench, drinking my coffee and watching the Pea play was a really nice start to the day.
After the park we decide, kind of on a whim, to hit the mall...I have a dress already for tomorrow night, but it's one I have worn before, to the club, and I thought IF I could find another, better one, for a decent price, I would treat myself. When we get there the Pea wants to ride the carousel...problem is I have NO cash, so we have to walk by it, her screaming, and not ride. So we are at the mall, the Pea is playing in the play area, and cuz it has just opened we are the only ones there. After a minute I realize she is squatting in the corner, and eeew, stinky. Damnit...because when we left this morning, I wasn't planning on being out long, I didn't bother to bring diapers...AND, cuz there are no other moms around to borrow from, I am screwed. I yank her up and drag her out of the mall...she is crying and upset, I never got a chance to shop, and it's a haul to go all the way back home. I decide to go to a drug store...thank god there is one on EVERY corner these days...I grab a pack of diapers and a pack of wipes, and change her in the backseat of the car. Well, guess what? NO POOP...yeah, apparently she was just farting...it figures.
OK, fast forward...we are back at the mall, she has gotten herself tuckered in the play area, DID go poop, so getting the diapers worked out, and I am on the lookout for a dress. A PANICKED grandma comes up to me, with her very own two year old in a poopy diaper and asks if I have an extra diaper, cuz she didn't bring any. I start laughing, which she probably didn't appreciate, but I wasn't about to elaborate on, and hand her a diaper. She tries to give me a five dollar bill, and I say "No way, I TOTALLY understand, please just take it." Then she asks for wipes, which are buried underneath my purse in the bottom of the stroller, so I bend down to get them and hand her a handful. As I am walking out of the store I see the $5 underneath my phone in the drink holder of the stroller. When I bent down to get the wipes, she must have jammed it in there.
The Pea and I got to ride the carousel after all.
Well, as if all that wasn't enough to make me feel lucky, I decide to go into a store I NEVER go into and stumble across the deal of the century. The party tomorrow is a breast cancer fundraiser so of course they want you to wear pink...who has a pink dress? Unless you were forced to wear one as a bridesmaid, and we all know those are heinous, or you happen to have one from ANOTHER breast cancer deal...no one. I was hoping for something with pink IN it, or to find a dressy pink top I could wear with jeans and heels. Hanging on a rack, surrounded by boring black, brown and blue dresses is THE CUTEST little pink tank dress, and it just happens to be my size. It is perfect because it has sequins around the neck and hem, so it looks dressy, but its a knit, so it feels like a tee shirt...talk about comfy. It was originally $80...has been marked down to $20...rings up for $15...I practically RAN out of there because I felt like I was stealing.
Anyway, after the mall we headed to the beach...had a great meal, followed by seashell collecting and lounging, and then headed home to get her all packed to go to daddy's house. I was starting to dread letting her go, but we had had such a great day, and she had been so much fun, that I felt like I had enough to carry me through until Sunday. Well, another twist of fate, in my favor...long story short she is sound asleep, in her bed, in my house, and I don't have to let her go until tomorrow afternoon.
Was it just my day or did a big ol' delivery of good karma get dropped off to me by mistake? Hope it's not the latter...hate to have to give that shit back.
After the park we decide, kind of on a whim, to hit the mall...I have a dress already for tomorrow night, but it's one I have worn before, to the club, and I thought IF I could find another, better one, for a decent price, I would treat myself. When we get there the Pea wants to ride the carousel...problem is I have NO cash, so we have to walk by it, her screaming, and not ride. So we are at the mall, the Pea is playing in the play area, and cuz it has just opened we are the only ones there. After a minute I realize she is squatting in the corner, and eeew, stinky. Damnit...because when we left this morning, I wasn't planning on being out long, I didn't bother to bring diapers...AND, cuz there are no other moms around to borrow from, I am screwed. I yank her up and drag her out of the mall...she is crying and upset, I never got a chance to shop, and it's a haul to go all the way back home. I decide to go to a drug store...thank god there is one on EVERY corner these days...I grab a pack of diapers and a pack of wipes, and change her in the backseat of the car. Well, guess what? NO POOP...yeah, apparently she was just farting...it figures.
OK, fast forward...we are back at the mall, she has gotten herself tuckered in the play area, DID go poop, so getting the diapers worked out, and I am on the lookout for a dress. A PANICKED grandma comes up to me, with her very own two year old in a poopy diaper and asks if I have an extra diaper, cuz she didn't bring any. I start laughing, which she probably didn't appreciate, but I wasn't about to elaborate on, and hand her a diaper. She tries to give me a five dollar bill, and I say "No way, I TOTALLY understand, please just take it." Then she asks for wipes, which are buried underneath my purse in the bottom of the stroller, so I bend down to get them and hand her a handful. As I am walking out of the store I see the $5 underneath my phone in the drink holder of the stroller. When I bent down to get the wipes, she must have jammed it in there.
The Pea and I got to ride the carousel after all.
Well, as if all that wasn't enough to make me feel lucky, I decide to go into a store I NEVER go into and stumble across the deal of the century. The party tomorrow is a breast cancer fundraiser so of course they want you to wear pink...who has a pink dress? Unless you were forced to wear one as a bridesmaid, and we all know those are heinous, or you happen to have one from ANOTHER breast cancer deal...no one. I was hoping for something with pink IN it, or to find a dressy pink top I could wear with jeans and heels. Hanging on a rack, surrounded by boring black, brown and blue dresses is THE CUTEST little pink tank dress, and it just happens to be my size. It is perfect because it has sequins around the neck and hem, so it looks dressy, but its a knit, so it feels like a tee shirt...talk about comfy. It was originally $80...has been marked down to $20...rings up for $15...I practically RAN out of there because I felt like I was stealing.
Anyway, after the mall we headed to the beach...had a great meal, followed by seashell collecting and lounging, and then headed home to get her all packed to go to daddy's house. I was starting to dread letting her go, but we had had such a great day, and she had been so much fun, that I felt like I had enough to carry me through until Sunday. Well, another twist of fate, in my favor...long story short she is sound asleep, in her bed, in my house, and I don't have to let her go until tomorrow afternoon.
Was it just my day or did a big ol' delivery of good karma get dropped off to me by mistake? Hope it's not the latter...hate to have to give that shit back.
Monday, October 13, 2008
priorities
I am going to buy another charm for my ankle bracelet today. I can't afford it, it's kind of silly, but I want to remember yesterday. I had a hole in one. Not a "real" hole in one, cuz we were on a par 3 dirt track that basically amounts to 18 holes carved out of peoples backyards and mowed occasionally...but a hole in one nonetheless. A perfect 9 iron, 103 yards, 2 hops and in...I am standing on the tee in jeans and a Packers tee shirt, which is sacrilege as far as I'm concerned, so how the golf gods allowed it in, I don't know...but it was fun.
I start laughing, the girls start screaming, we high five, and then they torture me for the rest of the round, whenever I have more than a 1 to put on the score card, and call me a sandbaggin' ho...how could I NOT want to remember that?
So, the Pea's birthday is coming up and I still don't know what we are going to do for her...I have been tasked with a huge project at work...there is a whole bunch of shit going on that week so DH and I are going to have to change up the whole schedule and I am hoping we can work it out with little bloodshed...OMG, not to mention the Pea's Halloween costume, shit I almost forgot about that...my house is trashed, I need to do laundry. Today would be the perfect day to knock some of that out and what am I gonna do? Shop...shop for something I don't even need...NOOOO, I'm not living in denial with my priorities completely out of whack, no, not me...
I start laughing, the girls start screaming, we high five, and then they torture me for the rest of the round, whenever I have more than a 1 to put on the score card, and call me a sandbaggin' ho...how could I NOT want to remember that?
So, the Pea's birthday is coming up and I still don't know what we are going to do for her...I have been tasked with a huge project at work...there is a whole bunch of shit going on that week so DH and I are going to have to change up the whole schedule and I am hoping we can work it out with little bloodshed...OMG, not to mention the Pea's Halloween costume, shit I almost forgot about that...my house is trashed, I need to do laundry. Today would be the perfect day to knock some of that out and what am I gonna do? Shop...shop for something I don't even need...NOOOO, I'm not living in denial with my priorities completely out of whack, no, not me...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
gifts
Fall Sundays have always been some of my favorite days. Crisp cool air, big newspapers, football, doughnuts...lately they have been a little hectic, and I haven't been able to enjoy them like I used to...until today. Partly because I have tomorrow off and so don't have to scramble to get EVERYTHING done, and partly because I decided last night life is too short, and too long, to not enjoy the little everyday gifts.
I woke up this morning (after actually getting 6 whole hours of sleep!!) to the Pea, standing by my bed. Her standing eye level is exactly my laying down eye level..."wake up, mommy, me wake up...you wake up now?" It's 7:30...first gift of the day: an extra 30 minutes of sleep.
"Mommy, me want punkin doughnut! Me want punkin doughnut!" Ok, sure why not, I could use some coffee, we were gonna do that today eventually, why not head out now...so I start to get dressed. I am standing in the bathroom, with only my underwear on and the Pea comes up, puts her hand on my belly and looks up at me, tilting her head "Mommy, you have BIG belly, WHHHHY? Why you belly so big mommy?" I'm giggling a little at this point, cuz while I don't have the flat perfect belly of a twenty something it's really not THAT big..."Well honey, I guess cuz I like to eat pumpkin doughnuts." For some reason this strikes her as HILARIOUS and she starts laughing that baby belly laugh, which makes me crack up as well, and I am standing in my bathroom half naked cracking up. Second gift: a good belly laugh.
After hitting Dunkin Donuts we head to Walmart. I have had sugar, caffeine, a good laugh, and plenty of sleep...I can do this. I am prepared for the worst, bracing myself for discount hell, and surprise, surprise...it wasn't that bad! Apparently the key to not wanting to kill yourself or others while shopping there is to do it before 9am on a Sunday. Third gift: bags of cheap groceries without the usual accompaniment of a nervous breakdown.
As I sit here now, the Pea is in the garage making me playdoh presents, gifts, and I can't help but smile...it doesn't get any better.
I woke up this morning (after actually getting 6 whole hours of sleep!!) to the Pea, standing by my bed. Her standing eye level is exactly my laying down eye level..."wake up, mommy, me wake up...you wake up now?" It's 7:30...first gift of the day: an extra 30 minutes of sleep.
"Mommy, me want punkin doughnut! Me want punkin doughnut!" Ok, sure why not, I could use some coffee, we were gonna do that today eventually, why not head out now...so I start to get dressed. I am standing in the bathroom, with only my underwear on and the Pea comes up, puts her hand on my belly and looks up at me, tilting her head "Mommy, you have BIG belly, WHHHHY? Why you belly so big mommy?" I'm giggling a little at this point, cuz while I don't have the flat perfect belly of a twenty something it's really not THAT big..."Well honey, I guess cuz I like to eat pumpkin doughnuts." For some reason this strikes her as HILARIOUS and she starts laughing that baby belly laugh, which makes me crack up as well, and I am standing in my bathroom half naked cracking up. Second gift: a good belly laugh.
After hitting Dunkin Donuts we head to Walmart. I have had sugar, caffeine, a good laugh, and plenty of sleep...I can do this. I am prepared for the worst, bracing myself for discount hell, and surprise, surprise...it wasn't that bad! Apparently the key to not wanting to kill yourself or others while shopping there is to do it before 9am on a Sunday. Third gift: bags of cheap groceries without the usual accompaniment of a nervous breakdown.
As I sit here now, the Pea is in the garage making me playdoh presents, gifts, and I can't help but smile...it doesn't get any better.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
safety reminder
Got an email from Match.com this morning...thought I had unsubscribed but I guess they just couldn't resist. The "funny" thing about the email, it wasn't a "hi-we miss you! we have some more perfect matches for you!" like the last, it was a SAFETY reminder. Yeah, apparently folks need to be reminded that there are some crazy birds out there and sad, pathetic, lonely, single folks are a perfect target for scammers and pervs...fabulous. It's been bad enough killin' my own spiders, NOW I have to watch out for scammers and pervs...and emails from Match.com, crap. The email came on the heels of a pretty shitty morning so I probably overreacted a bit, I'm sure happy fun me would have just laughed and deleted it.
Have you ever noticed that a five minute delay getting out the door in the morning can lead to a fifteen minute delay in getting where you are going. It's like everyone decides to cut out at exactly the same time and if you can beat them you are golden, if not, you are screwed. Usually on Mondays and Wednesdays I leave the house between 6:25 and 6:30...I don't hit a single red light, hit any traffic or even see, much less get behind, a bus. This morning I pulled out of the garage at 6:33...I hit EVERY red light, got stuck behind TWO buses and ended up 15 minutes later than I usually am for work.
The Pea was not a happy camper when I left her this morning, and that never helps...it seems Wednesdays are our toughest days. Tuesday nights we get very little time to reconnect and the morning is crazy and she just doesn't want me to leave...not that I want to, but unlike her I understand if I don't, we starve. She still doesn't understand why I have to go to work all of a sudden. She likes school and is adjusting well, but she has said to me on more than one occasion that she would like it better if I did not go to work and stayed with her at school...talk about a kick in the gut.
Ok, enough bitchin'...time to get busy, eyes open for scammers and pervs, a girl can never be too careful ya know.
Have you ever noticed that a five minute delay getting out the door in the morning can lead to a fifteen minute delay in getting where you are going. It's like everyone decides to cut out at exactly the same time and if you can beat them you are golden, if not, you are screwed. Usually on Mondays and Wednesdays I leave the house between 6:25 and 6:30...I don't hit a single red light, hit any traffic or even see, much less get behind, a bus. This morning I pulled out of the garage at 6:33...I hit EVERY red light, got stuck behind TWO buses and ended up 15 minutes later than I usually am for work.
The Pea was not a happy camper when I left her this morning, and that never helps...it seems Wednesdays are our toughest days. Tuesday nights we get very little time to reconnect and the morning is crazy and she just doesn't want me to leave...not that I want to, but unlike her I understand if I don't, we starve. She still doesn't understand why I have to go to work all of a sudden. She likes school and is adjusting well, but she has said to me on more than one occasion that she would like it better if I did not go to work and stayed with her at school...talk about a kick in the gut.
Ok, enough bitchin'...time to get busy, eyes open for scammers and pervs, a girl can never be too careful ya know.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
rabid bats
So you know those news headlines that pop up when you sign online? You can click on them to read the whole story...well this morning one of them caught my eye "Mom brings rabid bat to school." I read the story...turns out mom decided a dead rabid bat would be the perfect thing to bring in for show and tell...why of course! Long story short all 90 kids who touched the damn thing have to get a rabies series at a cost - to the school - of $70k...ooopsie. Got me thinkin'...what else should one NOT bring in to school for show and tell...you would think these would be common sense, but then again...
Dead rabid bunnies, dogs, cats, mice...oh you name it, pretty much any dead animal, probably not a good idea...come to think of it, LIVE rabid animals also NOT a good idea.
Poisonous snakes, like rattlers, copperheads, water moccasins, coral snakes...poisonous spiders too, especially in open containers, those little suckers tend to be quick and can get away from you before you know it.
Shotguns, pistols...weapons in general, although you might could get away with a stun gun...flame throwers and anti-aircraft missiles are especially cumbersome and would just be a pain.
Chemicals, nuclear waste, toxic/hazardous materials...these have to be marked and identified in very specific ways which is just a drag AND they can be stinky and messy...kids tend to be stinky and messy enough on their own.
Think that covers most of the biggies, OH, and razor blades, broken glass, heroin, porn...well you can bring the porn, but only for the teachers.
Dead rabid bunnies, dogs, cats, mice...oh you name it, pretty much any dead animal, probably not a good idea...come to think of it, LIVE rabid animals also NOT a good idea.
Poisonous snakes, like rattlers, copperheads, water moccasins, coral snakes...poisonous spiders too, especially in open containers, those little suckers tend to be quick and can get away from you before you know it.
Shotguns, pistols...weapons in general, although you might could get away with a stun gun...flame throwers and anti-aircraft missiles are especially cumbersome and would just be a pain.
Chemicals, nuclear waste, toxic/hazardous materials...these have to be marked and identified in very specific ways which is just a drag AND they can be stinky and messy...kids tend to be stinky and messy enough on their own.
Think that covers most of the biggies, OH, and razor blades, broken glass, heroin, porn...well you can bring the porn, but only for the teachers.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
so far, so good
So far, so good. As my first week of "real" work comes to a close, I gotta say, I couldn't be happier with how things are turning out. Obviously, my life in general is not fantastic, but given the circumstances, things are shaping up nicely, and I feel good about the direction I am headed. Yesterday when I dropped the Pea off at school she said goodbye, blew me a kiss and I was off. No tears from either one of us. I finally have an official job title and description, and am starting to feel useful.
I ran into an acquaintance from the club last night at a bar...planned on going to yoga, somehow ended up there...best laid plans...anyhoo, he asked me how I was doing and if I was happy, and I could honestly answer that I am doing well, and yes, happy. I still have my moments obviously, and as the weeks wear on and the novelty of the newness wears off I know I will have some bad days, but I at least feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am not so damn mad at DH all the time, and there has been less sadness and melancholy as of late.
I miss the Pea, gotta say that's the one thing I wish I could change. I wish there was a way to spend more time with her. Night before last when I picked her up we had only enough time to eat a quick dinner and then get ready for bed. We still had our snuggle time and read books, but it seemed very rushed, and then before I knew it, it was morning again and she was gone, and I was off. I am looking forward to having the next three days with her to catch up and reconnect.
Well, as I am enjoying the job and want to keep it, I better get to it...
I ran into an acquaintance from the club last night at a bar...planned on going to yoga, somehow ended up there...best laid plans...anyhoo, he asked me how I was doing and if I was happy, and I could honestly answer that I am doing well, and yes, happy. I still have my moments obviously, and as the weeks wear on and the novelty of the newness wears off I know I will have some bad days, but I at least feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am not so damn mad at DH all the time, and there has been less sadness and melancholy as of late.
I miss the Pea, gotta say that's the one thing I wish I could change. I wish there was a way to spend more time with her. Night before last when I picked her up we had only enough time to eat a quick dinner and then get ready for bed. We still had our snuggle time and read books, but it seemed very rushed, and then before I knew it, it was morning again and she was gone, and I was off. I am looking forward to having the next three days with her to catch up and reconnect.
Well, as I am enjoying the job and want to keep it, I better get to it...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
fish, pigs, cows, & chickens
As I sit here typing, I have 7 fish stuck to my forehead, 3 pigs on a boob, 4 cows on my arm, and 10, yes 10 chickens, on the back of my neck. They are stickers, photo stickers and the Pea got such a kick out of sticking them to my various parts I couldn't bear to take them off...I will of course, soon, I just wanted to write about it first. See, I had one of those really good mommy days, and those stickers were just the icing on the cake. I have had those stickers in my possession for 17 years...yes, I said 17 years. See back then mom worked for the company that made those stickers and as she had thousands of samples in her possession when she left the company, she gave them to me. I was a little wacky at the time (ok still am, whatEVER) and an aspiring artist and she figured I could use 'em. Well I squirrelled them away to be used only on special occasions and for "when I had a kid" and whataya know, here I am 17 years later with 'em stuck all over my body.
The day started pretty good, as upon waking the Pea informed me I was once again "her very best fwend" and since that was waaay better than the f*cking piece of shit she had me pegged for last night, I figured we were in for a great day. Hit a little bump in the road when DH informed me that he would be returning to the club as an INDIVIDUAL member, and wow wasn't that just great! Yeah, really f*cking great that you can play golf 4 days a week now while I work my ass off and drive 4 hours a day and put groceries on a credit card I will never be able to pay off...bully for you, f*ck off...ANYHOO, yeah that's my new favorite saying: bully for you, f*ck off...just read a British book can you tell? Oh yeah and (referring to wicked pretty girls who are smarter and have more money than you) Miss Bitchcuntwhorefromhell, but that one didn't apply...
Ok, back to my good mommy day...we had a tea party, played outside, went to town with my paints and a new canvas, took a walk around the pond and chased the ducks, ate a nice dinner together (even clinked our glasses and said cheers!) and then had fun with stickers...oh and took lots of silly pictures with my phone. I even got to watch the premier of The Office which I had dvr'd (is that a word?) while she took a nap. So I don't spend my Saturdays at the club anymore, so what? I still miss it, and would love to be out there, but I am pretty sure having fish on your forehead and pigs on your boob would violate the dress code...and we couldn't have that.
The day started pretty good, as upon waking the Pea informed me I was once again "her very best fwend" and since that was waaay better than the f*cking piece of shit she had me pegged for last night, I figured we were in for a great day. Hit a little bump in the road when DH informed me that he would be returning to the club as an INDIVIDUAL member, and wow wasn't that just great! Yeah, really f*cking great that you can play golf 4 days a week now while I work my ass off and drive 4 hours a day and put groceries on a credit card I will never be able to pay off...bully for you, f*ck off...ANYHOO, yeah that's my new favorite saying: bully for you, f*ck off...just read a British book can you tell? Oh yeah and (referring to wicked pretty girls who are smarter and have more money than you) Miss Bitchcuntwhorefromhell, but that one didn't apply...
Ok, back to my good mommy day...we had a tea party, played outside, went to town with my paints and a new canvas, took a walk around the pond and chased the ducks, ate a nice dinner together (even clinked our glasses and said cheers!) and then had fun with stickers...oh and took lots of silly pictures with my phone. I even got to watch the premier of The Office which I had dvr'd (is that a word?) while she took a nap. So I don't spend my Saturdays at the club anymore, so what? I still miss it, and would love to be out there, but I am pretty sure having fish on your forehead and pigs on your boob would violate the dress code...and we couldn't have that.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
making the most of it
I am home, after a long, busy, rainy, crazy day...for the most part it was good, but I miss the Pea. I guess the reality hit me today...this is how EVERYDAY will be...wow. So I am home, without my little one, and I know I should paint, or catch up on emails, or phone calls, but all I want to do is snuggle up on the couch with a glass of wine and a man. Fortunately, I have the wine.
Did a lot of thinking today...it was one of those days I guess. I am reading a new book and one of lines in it (referring to breakups) went something like "men mope, women cope" I thought that was interesting. I can only hope that I am coping. Some days I feel so sure of myself, so confident and happy. Other times I feel like I did all those times I started a new school, in a new town or state...completely lost, alone and baffled. I remember coming to North Carolina in the 5th grade from the west coast...talk about culture shock...and then again, starting 6th grade in New York...I had no idea what was up. That's how I feel sometimes now...like a stranger in my own life, I think that's why it was so important to stay here when DH and I split up even though financially it would have been better to move to the town I work in...I am starting to wonder if that was a good decision, if maybe I would be better off up there. Alone here, alone there, what difference does it make, at least up there I wouldn't have the drive.
Oh well, no point second guessing now...I am here now, I have to make the most of it. I am going to make myself a nice dinner, pour a glass of wine and curl up on the couch with the remote, which, since there is no man here, I have complete control of...hmmmm, not so bad.
Did a lot of thinking today...it was one of those days I guess. I am reading a new book and one of lines in it (referring to breakups) went something like "men mope, women cope" I thought that was interesting. I can only hope that I am coping. Some days I feel so sure of myself, so confident and happy. Other times I feel like I did all those times I started a new school, in a new town or state...completely lost, alone and baffled. I remember coming to North Carolina in the 5th grade from the west coast...talk about culture shock...and then again, starting 6th grade in New York...I had no idea what was up. That's how I feel sometimes now...like a stranger in my own life, I think that's why it was so important to stay here when DH and I split up even though financially it would have been better to move to the town I work in...I am starting to wonder if that was a good decision, if maybe I would be better off up there. Alone here, alone there, what difference does it make, at least up there I wouldn't have the drive.
Oh well, no point second guessing now...I am here now, I have to make the most of it. I am going to make myself a nice dinner, pour a glass of wine and curl up on the couch with the remote, which, since there is no man here, I have complete control of...hmmmm, not so bad.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
evolution of dance
Buddy of mine turned me on to this...if you need a break and a laugh...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
I thought it was a great!
If the link doesn't work...Evolution of Dance, on YouTube...enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
I thought it was a great!
If the link doesn't work...Evolution of Dance, on YouTube...enjoy!
Monday, September 22, 2008
ok
I managed to get through the day without throwing up...I am very happy about that. It ended up being a decent day. I worked out, got to take a shower without the Pea opening the shower curtain every two minutes to check on me, and when I picked her up she was happy to see me. They said she had a good day and was adjusting well...maybe we will be ok after all.
sad
The Pea started school today...daycare. I never wanted her to be in a daycare center...I tried to be happy and excited and we bought a special outfit and took pictures...DH and I went together to try and make it nice and special. She went into the classroom, gave me a hug and a kiss and I lost the show. It has been over an hour now and I am still crying. My baby girl is no longer a baby, I am no longer the center of her universe, and the life I wanted her to have is no longer an option...it is awful.
The day is rainy and dreary, mirrors my mood exactly...I don't know what to do with myself. I want to go pick her up now and run away and never have to take her back there again. I know it's silly and we will adjust, and ultimately all will be well, but right now, in this moment, I want to throw up...my stomach is in knots, I am sad and lonely, and I hate myself and this life I have.
The day is rainy and dreary, mirrors my mood exactly...I don't know what to do with myself. I want to go pick her up now and run away and never have to take her back there again. I know it's silly and we will adjust, and ultimately all will be well, but right now, in this moment, I want to throw up...my stomach is in knots, I am sad and lonely, and I hate myself and this life I have.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
super powers
Pea and I did the Sunday morning doughnut run this morning because she will be with her dad tomorrow morning, and well, I wanted a doughnut. Apparently before I left the house I activated my invisible super powers and no one could see me or my car. As I was pulling into the coffee shop (off a major road with cars behind me) a jogger decided that instead of stopping at the curb and waiting he would just run right in front of me without a thought...not only could I have killed him if I hadn't slammed on brakes sending the Pea and I both hurtling forward, but it could have caused a 3 car pileup had the car behind me not done the same. He didn't hurry to get out of the way, wave a "oops, my bad" or even glance over...meanwhile brakes are screeching, cars are swerving, hearts are racing.
Ok, so I manage to finally get in the parking lot and as I am pulling around to the drive thru a car backs out in front of me - again forcing me to slam on brakes, and again no oopsie wave, no hurryin' to get out of my way, nothin', she just backs out, takes her time turning the car out of the spot and goes on in front of me like nothin'. After gettin' the goods we head to my new favorite store Target and not only am I invisible to other people, but now inanimate objects don't recognize I am there either...the Pea and I head in the automatic door and IT SHUTS ON US...yeah, it opened, we started through and BAM, now those suckers are heavy and once they start closing it's not like a regular door you can just push back open..WTF? now it's just getting ridiculous.
So I am in line to check out, I have my stuff on the counter, the girl ringing me up is not aware of my super power because she does see me, is doing a great job, we are chatting and next thing I know a big red shopping cart barrels into me and nearly KNOCKS ME OVER and a lady walks around to the front of it, pushing me aside with her big fat ass and starts just throwin' stuff on the conveyor belt, right on top of my stuff!!! No "OMG, I'm sorry, excuse me, I'm in a hurry, get out of my way skinny bitch" NOTHIN'...it is as if she DOESN'T EVEN SEE ME...very strange.
Now of all the super powers I would like to have, being invisible is not in the top 3...not to say it wouldn't be fun, think fly on the wall at a party, etc, but I would much rather be able to fly, have super human strength or be able to read people's minds...of course that one could be scary.
Ok, so I manage to finally get in the parking lot and as I am pulling around to the drive thru a car backs out in front of me - again forcing me to slam on brakes, and again no oopsie wave, no hurryin' to get out of my way, nothin', she just backs out, takes her time turning the car out of the spot and goes on in front of me like nothin'. After gettin' the goods we head to my new favorite store Target and not only am I invisible to other people, but now inanimate objects don't recognize I am there either...the Pea and I head in the automatic door and IT SHUTS ON US...yeah, it opened, we started through and BAM, now those suckers are heavy and once they start closing it's not like a regular door you can just push back open..WTF? now it's just getting ridiculous.
So I am in line to check out, I have my stuff on the counter, the girl ringing me up is not aware of my super power because she does see me, is doing a great job, we are chatting and next thing I know a big red shopping cart barrels into me and nearly KNOCKS ME OVER and a lady walks around to the front of it, pushing me aside with her big fat ass and starts just throwin' stuff on the conveyor belt, right on top of my stuff!!! No "OMG, I'm sorry, excuse me, I'm in a hurry, get out of my way skinny bitch" NOTHIN'...it is as if she DOESN'T EVEN SEE ME...very strange.
Now of all the super powers I would like to have, being invisible is not in the top 3...not to say it wouldn't be fun, think fly on the wall at a party, etc, but I would much rather be able to fly, have super human strength or be able to read people's minds...of course that one could be scary.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
undoing i do
I didn't finish the book. At 2 a.m. I made myself put it down and turn off the light. I then tossed and turned for awhile thinking about how divorce is one of those human experiences that is so unique and awful and experienced completely different by everyone and yet exactly the same every time. It's like losing a loved one, or childbirth...every time is different, indescribable and utterly your own, but the litany of emotions are always the same. They are all experiences one must actually go through before really understanding.
I remember after having the Pea, looking at Smash in a whole new light. I thought I could understand how she felt when she had JJ and Boo, I was there, I love them too, surely I got it? No way...divorce is like childbirth that way. You can read about it, talk about it, go through it with a loved one, and the same things will happen, it will have the same outcome, and yet until you live it, you are completely unaware of what it really does to you, of how it changes you and makes you a different person.
The woman in the book is so not like me, and yet we are the same...her marriage and divorce are different from mine on so many levels and yet the feelings, the emotions, the ups, downs, uncertainties, desperation...it's all there. I dog eared a few pages as I read because there were statements in there so on the mark it was scary...I am not gonna quote them all, but in reading back through this morning these struck a cord, again.
More than half my bed is covered with open books - occupying roughly the same amount of space Tobin would have. I skim and switch between them, settle into one all night long whenever I forget that beds are for resting, for sleeping, for making love. Reading is my substitute for sleep and my consolation prize for being alone.
The first time the children are picked up for visitation brings unexpected questions. What is the proper protocol?...Are the children uncomfortable and do they worry we will fight? Do I run to the window and scratch the glass like a demented, abandoned pet as they walk down the sidewalk? Beg them to have a good time, but not too good. (Oh, I hate myself.) Pray that they come back, that they'll want to come back, that they'll sleep well, that they won't get hurt, oh God.
I am planning on extending the book so I can keep reading. I want to finish it, see how she turns out...I suspect I know, but I want to find out for sure.
I remember after having the Pea, looking at Smash in a whole new light. I thought I could understand how she felt when she had JJ and Boo, I was there, I love them too, surely I got it? No way...divorce is like childbirth that way. You can read about it, talk about it, go through it with a loved one, and the same things will happen, it will have the same outcome, and yet until you live it, you are completely unaware of what it really does to you, of how it changes you and makes you a different person.
The woman in the book is so not like me, and yet we are the same...her marriage and divorce are different from mine on so many levels and yet the feelings, the emotions, the ups, downs, uncertainties, desperation...it's all there. I dog eared a few pages as I read because there were statements in there so on the mark it was scary...I am not gonna quote them all, but in reading back through this morning these struck a cord, again.
More than half my bed is covered with open books - occupying roughly the same amount of space Tobin would have. I skim and switch between them, settle into one all night long whenever I forget that beds are for resting, for sleeping, for making love. Reading is my substitute for sleep and my consolation prize for being alone.
The first time the children are picked up for visitation brings unexpected questions. What is the proper protocol?...Are the children uncomfortable and do they worry we will fight? Do I run to the window and scratch the glass like a demented, abandoned pet as they walk down the sidewalk? Beg them to have a good time, but not too good. (Oh, I hate myself.) Pray that they come back, that they'll want to come back, that they'll sleep well, that they won't get hurt, oh God.
I am planning on extending the book so I can keep reading. I want to finish it, see how she turns out...I suspect I know, but I want to find out for sure.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
nothin great
Don't have any idea what to write about...things haven't changed, nothing great has happened, and I don't have any good stories. I had a really busy day yesterday, just runnin' around, getting things done. I have another fairly busy day again today. It is always better for me when I am busy because then I don't get a chance to think.
I started a book last night Undoing I do by Anastasia Royal. It's a novel, supposed to be very good. It is a little strange, the chapters are short, some very, only a sentence or two...and it jumps back and forth between the present, her marriage coming apart, and the past, when they first met. It is only a 7day from the library and I checked it out last Wednesday so I have to finish it tonight...we shall see.
Well I am off to pick up the Pea, she spent last night with her dad, and try to keep myself busy...more later.
I started a book last night Undoing I do by Anastasia Royal. It's a novel, supposed to be very good. It is a little strange, the chapters are short, some very, only a sentence or two...and it jumps back and forth between the present, her marriage coming apart, and the past, when they first met. It is only a 7day from the library and I checked it out last Wednesday so I have to finish it tonight...we shall see.
Well I am off to pick up the Pea, she spent last night with her dad, and try to keep myself busy...more later.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
wanna see my rocket?
Another day...nothing good, nothing bad. Did the Sunday doughnut run, planted the flowers, got the front yard lookin' pretty good, managed to avoid confrontation with DH...tried like hell to NOT think about anything other than having fun with the Pea. Life is gonna get tough in two weeks and we won't get to spend as much time together so in the meantime I am determined to spend as much quality time as I can with her and not let her see me upset. I will fall apart, worry, fret and cry when she is in bed asleep or with her dad.
So since I don't have any funny stories of my own I thought I would give you one of Smash's.
Early a.m. Smash still a little groggy, 4 year old Boo comes into the bedroom,
Boo: "Hey mommy."
Smash: "Hey buddy, g'mornin'."
Boo: "Wanna see my rocket?"
Smash: "Sure buddy."
Boo, pulling down his pants and thrusting his morning wood forward: "SEE!"
Smash: "Oh dear...honey, put that away, I don't want to see that, and please don't go around showing other people either."
Boo: "But mommy, you said you wanted to see!"
Smash: "Well, honey, that was before I knew you meant THAT rocket."
hee hee
So since I don't have any funny stories of my own I thought I would give you one of Smash's.
Early a.m. Smash still a little groggy, 4 year old Boo comes into the bedroom,
Boo: "Hey mommy."
Smash: "Hey buddy, g'mornin'."
Boo: "Wanna see my rocket?"
Smash: "Sure buddy."
Boo, pulling down his pants and thrusting his morning wood forward: "SEE!"
Smash: "Oh dear...honey, put that away, I don't want to see that, and please don't go around showing other people either."
Boo: "But mommy, you said you wanted to see!"
Smash: "Well, honey, that was before I knew you meant THAT rocket."
hee hee
Friday, September 12, 2008
me likey the boys
Well today was one of those days I (hate to say it!) wish I had a man around. Had to go buy a lawn mower, and now have to mow my own lawn. Ok, the mowing not that big a deal, just have to get used to doing it myself again...getting the lawn mower, getting it home, and then getting it out of the car, ugh. Yeah so there I was at home, after having help at the store, standing with hands on hips staring into the back of my car going "how the hell am I gonna manage this one?" Big strong neighbor guy is at work, Booya is back in the country but lives 2 hours away, my other boys are off the radar, and sure as HELL not gonna call DH, hmmmmm.
Ok, so I NOT so gracefully and with very little bloodshed, manage to muscle the thing out of the car and onto the garage floor, but now I don't have the energy to put it together and start mowing...which brings me to now...sitting in my office, typing instead of out in my yard. Oh well.
I would like to be one of those women who can do anything, take care of everything, and never give a thought to having a man around, but truth is I like having a man around. Not just for the heavy lifting and spider killing either...I like sex, I like to watch sports, I like just hanging out and being lazy...none of that is as much fun by yourself.
Ok, so I NOT so gracefully and with very little bloodshed, manage to muscle the thing out of the car and onto the garage floor, but now I don't have the energy to put it together and start mowing...which brings me to now...sitting in my office, typing instead of out in my yard. Oh well.
I would like to be one of those women who can do anything, take care of everything, and never give a thought to having a man around, but truth is I like having a man around. Not just for the heavy lifting and spider killing either...I like sex, I like to watch sports, I like just hanging out and being lazy...none of that is as much fun by yourself.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
remembering 9/11/01
Seven years ago this morning life as I knew it changed...I remember it like it was yesterday, I had just gotten out of the shower, I was putting on my uniform ready to go out on a 3 day trip. I turned on the TV, which I hardly ever did at the time, to watch the Today show and watched as they announced a jet had just flown into one of the towers. I stood there unable to breathe, watching...then they showed that second plane and I knew it was no accident...the plane had been banked too perfectly, with no hesitation...I stood in my bedroom in my bra and uniform skirt, my hair dripping wet, stunned. Then the towers started to collapse and I started screaming. I was sobbing and screaming at the TV, and my mind was racing...WTF had just happened and why?
As the day wore on it became clear what had happened and that my whole world had changed. I had lost my job, the only job I had ever really loved and excelled at. I had lost my faith in the idea that good always triumphs over evil. And I had lost that sense of security that we, as Americans, had been able to take for granted. My whole world turned upside down and I hadn't lost a loved one. I can't imagine what life would have been like the last seven years had I lost a parent, sibling, spouse, lover, friend, child...
My world is once again upside down, things are crazy and hectic and I am unsure of the future, but I know I am grateful for everyday, no matter how bad it seems at the time. I know I am lucky to be living in the greatest country in the world, lucky to be healthy and have a healthy child, lucky to have the job I have, and lucky to be surrounded by people I love, who love me back, everyday.
As the day wore on it became clear what had happened and that my whole world had changed. I had lost my job, the only job I had ever really loved and excelled at. I had lost my faith in the idea that good always triumphs over evil. And I had lost that sense of security that we, as Americans, had been able to take for granted. My whole world turned upside down and I hadn't lost a loved one. I can't imagine what life would have been like the last seven years had I lost a parent, sibling, spouse, lover, friend, child...
My world is once again upside down, things are crazy and hectic and I am unsure of the future, but I know I am grateful for everyday, no matter how bad it seems at the time. I know I am lucky to be living in the greatest country in the world, lucky to be healthy and have a healthy child, lucky to have the job I have, and lucky to be surrounded by people I love, who love me back, everyday.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
best fwend
The Pea's new favorite thing to say is:
"Mommy, me yuv you, you my best fwend."
O.M.G.
Just thought I would make a note of it. In 10 yrs, when I am not the center of her universe I will need a reminder that at one point I was.
"Mommy, me yuv you, you my best fwend."
O.M.G.
Just thought I would make a note of it. In 10 yrs, when I am not the center of her universe I will need a reminder that at one point I was.
Friday, September 5, 2008
hurricane shmurricane
Hanna is on her way and the Pea and I are having a hurricane party. Don't think she is even a hurricane any more but tropical storm party just doesn't sound as cool. We went out this morning for supplies. First we went to the library to load up on books, 2 trashy novels for me, 5 picture books for her...if we can't watch TV we will need reading materials. Next we hit Target for all the important stuff, here's what we got:
2 flashlights, so we can read the above mentioned books if the lights go out.
1 box wine, red of course because if we lose power we wouldn't be able to keep the white cold...that's just for me, the Pea got juice boxes.
2 packages of Newman-Os, gotta have cookies and we can pretend those are healthy.
1 box cheddar bunnies, if we need salty to follow the sweet.
2 scented candles, crisp linen, cuz if you have to light candles they should at least smell nice.
1 can bug spray, driving rain tends to make the bugs think they should head inside, and our party is invite only, no bugs allowed...any little crashers will be killed on site.
I think we're all set, I'm very excited...of course since we have no ACTUAL supplies like bottled water, batteries, cash, canned foods or ice we are screwed if it gets bad...ooopsie.
2 flashlights, so we can read the above mentioned books if the lights go out.
1 box wine, red of course because if we lose power we wouldn't be able to keep the white cold...that's just for me, the Pea got juice boxes.
2 packages of Newman-Os, gotta have cookies and we can pretend those are healthy.
1 box cheddar bunnies, if we need salty to follow the sweet.
2 scented candles, crisp linen, cuz if you have to light candles they should at least smell nice.
1 can bug spray, driving rain tends to make the bugs think they should head inside, and our party is invite only, no bugs allowed...any little crashers will be killed on site.
I think we're all set, I'm very excited...of course since we have no ACTUAL supplies like bottled water, batteries, cash, canned foods or ice we are screwed if it gets bad...ooopsie.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
finally
I finally fell apart, had my breakdown, lost the show...yup, apparently I had enough done on my to do list I allowed myself the luxury. I had an appointment with MiMi, I walked in, sat down, she said "How ya doin'?" and I started crying, and then sobbing and then outta control for like 15minutes ugly cry...I haven't cried like that - EVER. I am so thankful I had her and had that session yesterday, because I don't think I would have allowed myself to do it otherwise, and boy did I need it.
The Pea is getting better too...yesterday she actually wanted to come home, to here, to the "new house" and when we got here she was happy...didn't hurt we had ducks in the yard and she got to feed them, that child loves the ducks. We are settling in here, and starting our own, new, routines, and it feels really good.
So today, golf - yey! I am looking forward to playing, matter of fact I should be getting ready not typing, but oh well. So yesterday when I went to the driving range a friends bfriend was there - who just happens to be a golf pro -and I ended up getting what amounted to a free lesson. I was hitting the ball GREAT, now whether or not I can continue that today remains to be seen, but man it felt good to smash the ball again.
Well since I really do have to start getting ready I'm signing off...
The Pea is getting better too...yesterday she actually wanted to come home, to here, to the "new house" and when we got here she was happy...didn't hurt we had ducks in the yard and she got to feed them, that child loves the ducks. We are settling in here, and starting our own, new, routines, and it feels really good.
So today, golf - yey! I am looking forward to playing, matter of fact I should be getting ready not typing, but oh well. So yesterday when I went to the driving range a friends bfriend was there - who just happens to be a golf pro -and I ended up getting what amounted to a free lesson. I was hitting the ball GREAT, now whether or not I can continue that today remains to be seen, but man it felt good to smash the ball again.
Well since I really do have to start getting ready I'm signing off...
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