I can't believe it's been this long since I decided to stop writing, and I don't know what made me start again, except the thought that maybe, just maybe, I could help someone else.
I don't know if I will keep writing or if this is the last for another 8 years, but here you go.
If you are struggling with your relationship with a parent, I hope this helps.
Also, I pasted this from notes and the format got weird, I don't know how to fix it, sorry.
I 'm struggling today, as I do most Father's Days, but this one in particular is hitting hard. I found out 1 week ago today that my father died.
I lived with him until I was 8, then was dropped at my mother's with these parting words "you know you can't come back and live with me, right?" I didn't, but I nodded my head yes and watched as he unloaded my belongings and then drove away. I saw him maybe 3 times after that day, the last being when I was 12, visiting his mother, my grandmother. I called fairly often during my teenage years, always asking when we could visit or come see him. I invited him to my high school graduation, my college graduation, my first wedding. I wrote letters hoping for a response, the last telling him he had a granddaughter. I finally gave up, he made it clear he did not want a relationship, and with the help of a therapist worked through (or so I thought) what that meant for me.
When I found out about his death last week, I broke. I don't think I've ever felt that kind of grief and sadness, and as I sobbed I kept saying over and over "why do I feel this way, I thought he didn't matter to me anymore."
I've thought about it a lot this week and think that while my head had wrapped itself around the fact there would never be a tearful reunion or apology letter or even an acknowledgement, my heart hadn't, and it shattered. Gone was any chance for a reconciliation, and his obituary made clear, he never wanted one. (There was no mention of his own children, only his 4 step).
So why am I sharing this?
Because I want anyone else in this, or a similar situation, to know you are not alone. Scrolling through post after post of "best dad ever" and "missing my dad today, and every day" etc. can be really rough. You are truly happy for your friends and their relationships but am sad because that isn't your experience, and it seems to be EVERYONE else's.
I'm here to tell you there are a bunch of us out here and we see you. We see you go quiet on Father's Day and/or Mother's Day, and we acknowledge your pain. Nothing you did caused it, and nothing you do now can make them change, or come around, unless they decide they want to.
The sad reality is some parents don't or can't love their children, and while it's never the child's fault, the child always thinks it is, well into adulthood, if not forever. We live in a world where "parental love is the ultimate love" and "a mother's love never dies" and most people can't help themselves and tell you "oh you know they love you, they just have a hard time showing it, they will come around, keep trying" and it can be extraordinarily painful to live in that world because if that's the case, it's not the parent that's broken or unable to love so it must me, right? No, but that's probably what your inner dialogue has been telling you since you were little. So you were always trying, to be perfect, to be better, to be lovable, to no avail. And if your parents don't love you how could anyone else?
Those are all valid feelings, and normal in your circumstance and I'm here to tell you, because they can, and you are worthy of it. And it's ok to walk away from ANY toxic relationship, even if it is with a parent.
If a boyfriend broke up with your best girlfriend and wouldn't reply to her calls or texts for a month would you tell her "oh he loves you, keep trying" ?
Relationships are relationships, just because someone birthed you or shares your DNA does not automatically mean they love you, they can respect you, they can be kind to you, and they should be beyond reproach when they aren't. Blood does not give anyone a pass to be toxic or abusive.
It's ok to walk away.
It's ok to create the family you need with people who aren't your blood relatives.
Is ok to be sad for what wasn't.
It's ok to mourn their loss, both when you walk away and when they die; it's also ok not to.
And you aren't alone, even if it feels that way.
((hugs))
-K
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