silence

I'm not sure WHY I am out of bed at 6:30am on a Sunday, but I am...
and there is a GIANT cup of coffee next to me...no refillable mug for this sister this morning...no, no...I gots me a 24oz. Tervis Tumbler full of coffee and more brewing.

The past few weeks were tough, but there were a few bright spots, so I will tell ya about those.  I booked our flights to Orlando (we are definitely "GOIN' TO DISNEY WORLD!") the community pool opened and The Pea and I were able to spend some time there, which wasn't nearly as traumatic as I had thought it would be (more on that later), and I got to "see" TheGuy.  Skype cooperated for a little while yesterday and I got a glimpse of my tanner, thinner, "grimy gross" (his words) guy.  He looked fantastic.

So on to the usual trauma that is the community pool.

I live in one of those "stepford" communities, where most of the mommies spend their days volunteering at the school, working out, getting pretty (and apparently tanning because they are all a beautiful bronze), and chatting with all the other perfect mommies.  Best I can tell there are about 10 of us working mommies, some single, like me, and we try hard (bless our little hearts) but we tend to fall just short, and are often on the other end of the "look" (which best I can tell is a mixture of pity and disdain) from the perfect mommies.  You can spot us a mile away at the school functions as we are the last ones to come running in, our hair a bit frizzy, our clothes just shy of stylish, we don't know where we are going, we don't stop to chat with every teacher, TA, or fellow mommy, and then we run out (back to work) as soon as the function wraps up, sometimes before it does.  At the pool we are even more obvious.

We are white, flabby and a little lost, and completely by ourselves.  We wander around and around trying desperately to find an empty chair that isn't rusty or broken.  We don't have "a spot" or a group of fellow mommies saving us a spot, and nine times out of ten we have forgotten either the snacks or sunscreen, and so only end up staying 30 minutes.  I always want to talk to the other mommies like me, but I never know how to start...I also don't want to interrupt what could be their only 30 minutes of relative peace in the day cuz I know there are times I just want to be left alone to watch my kid and forcing a "so which street do you live on?  what do you do? blah blah I really don't care, don't we have really cute kids?" conversation is just exhausting after the marathon that is a weekday.

This week, whether it was because I just didn't have the energy to give a shit anymore, or because all the stars were aligned, I enjoyed myself despite standing out like a Beluga and I managed to not only find a decent chair, but also remembered the sunscreen, snacks, extra towels AND ipod.  I enjoyed my 30 minutes of (screaming children and lifeguard whistles aside) peace, and The Pea got herself good and worn out before we headed home.  Yesterday was even better as all the white flabby daddies joined the mix and I fit right in (tee hee). 

Along with the new pool season, comes another...even more depressing...

Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

It is time for silence.

Despite the bright spots through the weeks, the overall climate was an ugly one (family stuff, sorry, can't share) and it forced some thinking, grieving, exploring, and self exploration.  It coincided with another family's terrible loss, and after attending a double funeral, and all the emotions that it brought up, I made some decisions, one of which was to stop writing.  I love this blog, and what it has taught me about myself and forced me to face, but it is time to move on from it.  The time I dedicate to it is time better spent with ThePea, and when he comes home, TheGuy, and I have found myself in a love/hate relationship with writing, so I think it is time to step away for a bit. 

To my faithful readers: THANK YOU.