"perfect" mommies

The other night at the club I had the opportunity to hang out with another mom while the kids ran around like crazy monkeys. Well we got to chatting and with our cocktails firmly in hand the conversation flowed...I really liked talking to her. I don't connect with other moms too often, I try I really do, but I find most of the time I am left feeling like "less than" and in need of a good stiff drink.

I struggled with the decision to become a mom, it took a long time and a lot of soul searching. My mom left me and Smash when we were babies, when she did get Smash back she then sent her off to live with the Gparents, when she finally got us both back together being a mother didn't seem easy or enjoyable for her. She has tried to explain, always blaming B and their divorce, but well after their divorce and her marrying dad she still just wasn't there as a parent. I was afraid I would be her, and so when I finally decided to have a baby I tried to do everything perfect...from conception, through pregnancy, even the birth I wanted to be perfect.

Lucky for me the Pea made her way into the world in a way completely unlike I had "planned" and I was forced to let go and wing it. Her birth taught me that it was OK to NOT be perfect, but I still struggle with thinking I'm not good enough, and it is usually as a result of a conversation or interaction with another mom.

I call those moms the "perfect mommies" and DH can always tell when I have had a run in...you know the type, they are the ones at the park with all the kids in matching (clean) outfits, they break out the organic homemade hummus for a snack, and they are talking to the other "perfect mommies" about all their scheduled activities for the week...meanwhile my kid is a mess, happily eating goldfish (including the ones she has dropped on the ground) while I try to decide whether we should go to the coffee shop or the mall...I didn't even know they had Latin classes for two year olds...seriously? I always come home bitching that I need to get her enrolled in classes, and we need to eat better, and DAMNIT why don't we have any outfits with her initials embroidered on the front!

The other night was refreshing, and instead of coming home bitching I came home happy...I know that there are other mommies out there just like me, but it's always nice to actually run across one...share a cocktail and a few stories, and leave feeling good and strong and happy, and YES a good mommy...thanks Gigi.

that song i like

Bob Schneider...that's the guy who sings "The World Exploded Into Love"...it was in one of my previous posts...here are a few others I like

Hows about a cup of coffee, ok tea that's fine with me...meet at 8:15 alright 6:30s fine, just be with me...any time of day, anything you say just look like you do...it's my lucky day, I am here to stay with you...
I'm diggin' me diggin' you diggin' me diggin' you...
-Martin Sexton

It's taken so long, I could be wrong, I could be ready, but if I take my hearts advice I should assume it's still unsteady...I'm never really ready, I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there...
-John Mayer

Oh, you see that skin? It's the same skin she's been standing in, since the day she saw him walking away, now she's left, cleaning up the mess he made...So fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do...Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too...
-John Mayer

I hear more than I like to...so I boil my head in a sense of humor...I laugh at what I cannot change...I throw it all on the pyre again...go then and do this, I'd do it for you...when all that I want is so badly to be...by myself again...it's going to drive me right out of my brain.
-Dave Matthews Band

Twenty years it's breaking you down, now that you understand there's no one around...Take a breath, just take a seat, you're falling apart and tearing at the seams...Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why, hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.
-The Fray

Fat in those pants

Normally, since its allowed, I wear jeans to work. Yesterday when I tried to get ready I pulled on my favorite pair only to find they would not zip...my other favorite pair, I couldn't get all the way on...WTF? Have I really been eating that much?

Crap...so with the floor littered with clothes that did not fit I finally gave up and went to the Goodwill bag. Luckily I am NOT one of those super organized, clean mommies or the bag, which has been sitting on the floor of my closet for the last 4 months, would have already been donated and I would have had to go to work in my underwear (which now that I think about it are a little tighter as well...damn). Anyway, there was a very nice pair of slacks which HAD been way too big for me a few months ago and whatya know...they fit...yey. :/

JoJo: "K - I LOVE those pants...you look soooo cute!"
Me: snarl, growl


for Smash: "Dance? what? I SAID you look FAT in those PANTS!"

"great" love

Last night, because my job sometimes requires it, I had the luxury of staying in a hotel (and yes I was by myself). I LOVE staying in a hotel, some people think its icky, don't like to sleep in a bed other than their own, WHATEVER, if I could LIVE in a hotel I would...just the thought of having room service and a maid, hmmmm makes me happy all over.

Well after checkin' in with DH and saying goodnight to the Pea I settled in, remote firmly in hand. 'Oceans 13' was on-again (OMG I cannot watch George Clooney in anything without thinking "bend me over and pull my hair"...hmmm) ANYWAY... after that there happened to be a 'Sex and the City' rerun on (imagine that!)...it was the one during fleet week ("God Bless America!") where Charlotte says you only get 2 great loves in your life and Carrie having had Aiden and Big starts to wonder if she is SOL on the love front.

That got me thinkin' about "great" love, the kind they were talking about...the day the Pea was born "the world exploded in love all around me" (its a song, wish I knew who sang it)...having her literally did shake my core, rock my world, change me, and I fall more in love with her every day. As I get to know her and her personality, spend more time with her...it's amazing, I actually hurt I love her so much...is it possible to have anything even close to that with a man? Is it possible to fall more in love every day?

Most people would probably assume having been married twice I have had two great loves myself...I honestly don't know if I have had one. I look around at other married couples who "seem" happy, I say seem because you just never know and I'm sure there are people out there who think my marriage is perfect, and I wonder - does she ache to be with him? do they need to be together to feel complete? or does everyone after being married for more than a few years just settle into being comfortable? I know some marriages stay together for convenience but ultimately do all?

boo boos vs. boobies

Since most of my clothes shopping when I was a kid took place in Goodwill or Salvation Army and rarely resulted in acquiring anything that resembled cute or fashionable, once I got to the point in my life where I could shop in a store that sold NEW clothes...well...Shopping became my favorite pastime, my therapy, my drug of choice. Scoring something cute, that also happened to be on sale...whoo hoo!

Until I got pregnant. I won't even go into shopping while pregnant because just thinking about it makes me hot and tired, but I thought once I lost those extra 50lbs it would go back to being fun...not so much.

Now most of my shopping trips end in tears, either mine or my kid's and rarely do I come home with anything useful that I can wear with anything else. As I write this I realize how little shopping I do now compared to before getting knocked up...hmmm I'll have to check with DH to see if that was his master plan all along...

Anyway...Every once in awhile the stars and moons align, I get to feelin' thin and cute and the Pea (that's my kid, cutest ever on the planet, I am only SLIGHTLY biased), happily sits in the cart while I pick through countless racks of clothes.

I had one of those days last week, I should have just bought a lotto ticket.

So I am standing in the TJMaxx dressing rooms about to try on some of the cutest dresses ever (all on clearance!) and as I take off my bra the Pea exclaims
"mama boo boos!"
I'm slightly mortified because I know everyone can hear, but whatever...they probably think she is talking about an injury or something, battle scars if you will and hey, I can live with that...

BTW boobies are firm and pretty and sit nice and high on ones chest... those of us that have nursed a baby only have boobies if we are willing to have plastic surgery or are under the age of hmm lets see 20... I am in neither category, I have boo boos.

So there I am with my boo boos a hangin' and I decide maybe I should turn my back to her. She then exclaims (mind you TJMaxx has UNISEX dressing rooms)
"mama see you butt! mama BIG butt!"

OMG...so much for shopping as therapy.