signing off

If you are a regular to this blog you may have noticed I haven't written lately. I don't think I will be writing much more at all...not publicly. I have enjoyed the journey and it has taught me a lot and allowed me to grow, but every journey must come to an end and I am here. I am embarking on a new one: new adventures, new relationships, new challenges. I will continue to write...maybe one day manage to get a book together, but the "journal" type writing that has been this blog for so long is at an end...it is hard being exposed, opening yourself to everyone, and allowing everyone in...I need a break.

Thank you for reading.

home

I'm home...well, actually I've been home for a few days, but you wouldn't know it since my suitcases are still full of crap and sitting in the middle of the hall. Not only are they unsightly, they impede movement through the house. I put them there to motivate me...I know myself well enough to realize that if I put them out of sight they will remain there, possibly through the new year. Instead of motivating me to unpack and do laundry, however, they have instead just pissed me off and forced me to step over them EVERY time I need to walk down the hall. I keep scheduling time to go ahead and just get it all put away, but then I find other, much more important, things to do, such as facebook friending people and chatting online.

Not only do I have much laundry and cleaning to do, but the Pea is insisting we put up the Christmas tree and decorate the house. There are three females in my house, no males. The tallest of us is only 5'2" and one of them has fur and no thumbs so is absolutely no help AT ALL. Why I chose a NINE FOOT Christmas tree, I am still not sure, but the thought of dragging that thing into the house and getting it set up is a bit overwhelming. Add to that, the fact that I don't own a ladder...well, you can imagine.

Wish me luck...I am off to unpack and decorate (and by that I mean: go watch football).

thanks

I'm on vacation this week...I'm hangin' in New England with my family and trying to avoid the computer; I wanted to check in, though, and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, and give a few updates. Ok...Happy Thanksgiving! I am off Match again and suspect I will drop the account when I get to the end of my 6 months. It was a fun ride, I learned a lot about dating (since I had never really done it), and I am glad that it is an option for meeting new people; I am just tired of it...regardless of how much fun a ride, sooner or later, you gotta get off. I am gonna join the gym that Dancergirl goes to as soon as I get home. It boiled down to most bang for the buck and that particular one has the most classes...I like classes, especially yoga. I still don't have a job, but I applied for one last week that I REALLY want, cross your fingers for me.

Alright...I am off to enjoy the family, the food, and the football...it is going to be a damn near perfect day for me. In case YOU are huddled in a corner with your laptop and a bottle of vodka in order to avoid dealing with your crazy family though (just sayin'...not like I have ever been there or anything) and want some light reading, here are a few of my favorite older posts:


http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/11/happy-turkey-day.html


http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/06/boo-boos-vs-boobies.html


http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/08/hazards-of-being-single.html

Thank you all for reading, for being a part of my lovely life, and for your support and encouragement when I needed it the most...thank you, thank you, thank you!

oh dear

Oh dear God I hurt...every muscle in my body is sore...I think I strained my spleen. A workout queen I am, NO LONGER. I think it speaks volumes about the class and the teacher that I am equally sore all over, she worked us good, however, as a result I am unable to perform any duty that requires movement. I am having trouble typing.

I am one of those people that actually loves working out...I really do like it...I like to sweat, I like the burn, I love the endorphin release...I do not like being out of shape. Right now, I am out of shape. I started running a few months ago, even though I HATE it and am no good at it, because I was struggling to find time to do anything else and it is the fastest way to get your heart rate up. Now that I do have time for workouts, other than running, I am on a mission to get back in shape and yesterday I tried to cram 6 months worth of aerobics and weights into 2 hours. I KNOW better, and I still couldn't stop myself.

So now that I am back in to the game it is time to join a gym. The gym I used to go to is out of business and I have 4 others to choose from that are nearby. The one I want to join is crazy expensive so that one is out, that leaves 3 others. Dancergirl is a member at one, the one I went to yesterday and had my ass kicked at...Betty is a member at another, and it is like the Dancergirls', only nicer (and a bit pricier) and the last is the "singles" gym. The singles gym is not ACTUALLY a gym for singles, it's not like you check your wedding band at the door, it just has the reputation of being the place where all the young, single, hotties workout.

Every gym seems to have a personality, and a certain clientele. Betty's is the one where all the "housewives" go during the day and do hours and hours of Pilates...they all have long lean bodies and perfectly coiffed hair. At Dancergirls' there is an interesting mix of gym rats, retirees, and real mommies...the gym rats are quietly working themselves to rock hard bodies, the retirees are swimming or wandering aimlessly, the mommies are trying to workout as fast as they can so they have a few minutes of peace and quiet to talk to another adult or take a shower before they have to pick up their little ones from the child care. The singles gym is a ghost town during the day, except for the occasional bartender or college student, because their clientele is all working...come 5:30, the place is mobbed with the young, hip, in shape, and perfectly attired. I don't really fit at any of them, but I have to make a decision and join one so I can get back in shape.

Checking out all these gyms and taking more classes will require me getting up out of this chair however, and I am not sure that is an option. I am sending signals from my brain to my legs, but my legs are not listening..and I can't lift my arms...and oh ouch...laughing hurts too. Oh dear...

wrong shui, again

Wow...it has been almost a week...yikes. Things have been going well...a few funk days, but overall still enjoying the whole unemployment deal and trying to stay focused and productive. Today I went to the gym with Dancergirl and we took an hour and a half aerobics class that left us both totally exhausted. It was great being back in there and it got me motivated to get a bunch of stuff done this afternoon. Was off the radar last week because I went out of town to see JD, Elliott, Booya, Dr Cox, and NY. JD bought a house a while back and had his housewarming on Thursday night...it made me remember this old post and I thought I would re-run it since there is much to do, a game starting soon, and I don't have a story...enjoy: http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/09/wrong-shui.html

crazy carnival ride

*Cue the crazy carnival music*

I am back on the Match ride...oh lord.

My profile has been invisible for quite some time now; I got overwhelmed with the whole deal, and really liked both Philly and Coach and didn't want to date anyone else, so I just bagged it, and disappeared. After Philly and I called it quits I thought about going back on, but right about that time Coach became a little more available, I started hanging with NY some and thought maybe, AND I lost my job so didn't feel like I had all that much to offer a perspective mate. I still had the membership, cuz it was one of those 6 month deals, but I wasn't doing much with it...until today. Today, I became visible again, even though I DIDN'T realize it, and now I am considering jumping back in. Of course, I could go back NOW (that I do know) and make it invisible again, but that would require some work (sign in, click, key stroke, sign out) and I dunno...it WILL give me something to write about...hmmmmmm.

See...the way Match works, even if you have an invisible profile, people who have contacted you in the past can still contact you (thus the whole NewPhilly deal, which BTW, no...no, no, no, no...met him, nice guy...uhm, NO) and they continue to send you matches every day, on the off chance that one catches your eye, I guess. I suppose I could cancel my membership all together, and make them stop sending the emails, but since things with Coach seem to be a remote possibility at best, and neither NY or I are ready to make the jump past buds, I have kept it. I continue to look at the emails every day, and always at the back of my mind thought: IF someone catches my eye I will sign back in, send them an email, and make my profile visible BUT, that has yet to happen. Part of the problem is when I originally signed up I had a very broad search criteria (male, pulse, living in NC) so, the matches they have been sending lately have been eh at best, and living mostly 200 miles away.

[Long story longer]

Today, when I got the email and ALL lived in a city not anywhere near here, I finally decided f*ck it, I'm gonna go in and change my criteria, get REALLY picky (male, pulse, living within 30 miles of here, under 45, non-smoker). In order to do this you have to sign in, go to the profile section, and edit. The profile section is all about you and what you are looking for...I went through, changed a few things, and saved it. A screen popped up with a disclaimer something to the effect of "are ya sure this time jackass? and oh by the way if you wanna make your profile invisible go to the blah blah blah blah whatever..." I just clicked ok, signed off, and didn't give it another thought other than "finally, I might get some dudes that actually interest me."

When I came back to the computer tonight I had 7 emails from Match...three of them messages from guys I have never seen before. WTF? Uh, oh...

APPARENTLY, when you make any change AT ALL to your profile, they send it in for approval and then make it visible, REGARDLESS of the status beforehand...had I read the disclaimer all the way through I would have known that....ahahahahahahahahaaaa.

Here we go again....wheeeeeeeee.

The problem for me is this: regardless of what you say you WANT, any guy who wants to can contact you, and the ones that you want to, may not. I am trying to keep an open mind and give some of the guys a chance because Booya, Dr Cox, and all my girls think I need to expand my horizons, BUT...just so y'all get an idea of the caliber of guys contacting me, why I got overwhelmed in the first place, and WHY I latched on to the only two that I clicked with AT ALL...here are two of the emails I got JUST TODAY...cut and pasted, I am not making this shit up:

your to funny say what you mean and mean what you say...so how are you doin?

A hi, hello, something would have been good, and I think what he meant was "you're too funny..." and then some sort of sign off would have been good as well, but that's just me...next.

funny lady!!you are so sweet and super sexy.i love your smile it is the sunshine in chapel hill.i like you moreso because you are so wonderful and a princess and id love to know you.

Ok, let's forget for just one second the creeptacularness that this message exudes and lemme point out two big giant things 1)my smile is the sunshine in a city? huh? I am confused, I tend to want to actually understand the men I am dating and 2) on NO planet am I a princess (and not all that sweet, but ok) not even close...I even say in my profile "I am one of the guys, and it is starting to piss me off...I am not ready to give up football or beer, but I want to be the girlfriend, rather than the buddy." Seriously...does that sound like something a princess would say?

Not sure if that is carnival ride music or the soundtrack from Psycho I am hearing, but mind is open...I am ready...to...gooooooo...maybe...oh...dear...God...I will let you know tomorrow if I have hung in there or if I am invisible again...anyone got any Dramamine?

babbling

Well...I don't know what to write...I am in a writing funk...I want to talk about Veterans Day, the war...maybe touch on how lucky we are to be living in this country and have people willing to defend it every day, I just can't seem to form a cohesive thought. I have written a few half sentences and then deleted them and now I am just babbling.

An AP article out today said America is in a funk...ya think? We are pissed about the economy, the war, the overall outlook, and our president. Apparently everyone thought he was gonna waive his magic wand and all would be right in the world, and now a year later, not so much. Really? Cuz I know I didn't think he could do a damn bit of good, and while I am sure there were a few out there who thought he was the second coming, I for one knew not even Jesus could save our economy, end the war, and make all right with the world...anyone with half a brain had to know that. Not sure if the AP was just grasping for straws and it being a light news day decided to comment on the obvious or what, but pretty sure I didn't need to read it in the newspaper to figure that one out...thanks though.

On a good note, I am pretty much out of my funk, still can't write, but I'm smiling about it...I like to be one step ahead of trends so it is working out well. Yesterday the Pea and I had an awesome day and I actually enjoyed being unemployed. It helped I paid all my bills for the month, budgeted for the next two months, and then vowed to not worry about money...it is easier said than done, but I have found that if I only worry about how to get through today, and not the next or the one after that, it is a whole lot easier. Today is rainy and gross and the Pea are staying in as much as possible. We have to venture out later to go to the doctor, but I tend to want to hibernate on days like today, so I suspect there will be tv, and naps, in our near future.

Well...that is all I got...wish my brain was working better and I could actually write something well thought out and meaningful, but it's not, so I can't. Thank you veterans...thank you for serving our country and keeping us safe and protecting our freedom, and our right to be in a funk. Ok, NOW all I can think about it that stupid song Funkytown...so of course I went to YouTube and found the most ridiculous clip to share with you. Enjoy...or just feel embarassed for the girl in the video...either way...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co0eAPEVDpM&feature=related

plan b

Dr Cox, I have a plan B!

The other day I called Dr Cox from the beach to ask him how his day was going, since mine was at a stand still. I was enjoying it, just hanging out, watching the waves, but I wasn't actually accomplishing anything and wanted to check in with someone who might have been. Turns out he wasn't doing much either.

Him: "So, have you found a job yet?"

Me: "Uhm, nope...I am gonna win the lotto...it is at 80 million and I am pretty sure I can live on that."

Him: "That is your plan A?"

Me: "Pretty much."

Him: "Ya know, it is really like 40 million, and after taxes like twelve...dollars, not millions."

Me: "I don't have a plan B."

Him: "Let me know how that works out for you."

Well, I forgot to buy a ticket...the day got away from me, next thing I knew it was Sunday. Damn.

Today I ended up hanging out with a friend, drinking coffee on the deck of another friend's (well acquaintance...) house and the whole sugar daddy conversation came up. Turns out we know some rich single guys who are looking...moooohahahhhahahahaha...Plan B!

The day before I left work I was talking to the girls in the office and words sugar and daddy got tossed about and while we laughed and had fun with it, I left thinking "No way in hell...I will make my own sugar thank you very much." It's funny, because if I were loaded, I wouldn't think twice about taking care of someone I loved. I would want them hanging out with me, not working, so it would be win win to take care of them, but when I think about it going the other way I just get skeeved. I am thinking about the show "The Real Housewives of..." and the girls who weren't married to, but were being taken care of by those rich guys...oh sure on the outside it seemed cool, but I wondered how much freedom those women actually had. Could they really just go off and do whatever and spend whatever or were they constantly having to justify it and be at the man's beck and call? How much quality time did they get with their guys to hang out and enjoy that money together? It seems like it would be a very lonely life...sitting around waiting for him to make time while he justified not with "go buy yourself something pretty."

Oh well...in any case, I now have a plan A AND a plan B, so I should be fine...I will let you know how they work out.

in touch

Today was one of those "in touch" days...seemed like I spent the whole day on the phone. It was nice...talked to Smash and Booya early in the day...NY and Dude checked in with me this evening...just got off the phone with Mclovin. I love hearing from people I haven't in awhile. I should have called my dad, it was his birthday, and now it is too late, but every time I tried either the phone rang, or something came up. I had Dancergirl's baby boy today and he and Pea were a handful. We went to the park this afternoon for a picnic lunch and to get some energy out and they ran like mad around the playground for over and hour. I was exhausted just watching them.

The Pea and I are back on good terms...we never made it to DD this morning, but she did have one of her birthday cupcakes (which had sprinkles, so same effect) so she was happy, and tonight she went to bed without a fight. I can hear her snoring as I type...awwww.

The week ahead looks busy, which is good because I do better when I am, and then after that getting ready for our trip up north...we are both already excited and crossing our fingers for good weather. It will be good to reconnect with the family up there and recharge my batteries. I always love going up, but I also always come home with a renewed appreciation for NC. It will be good to get away from all things real and ugly here and maybe when I get back I will be able to get busy on those things on that to-do list that is still taunting from the kitchen counter.

Also taunting from the kitchen counter is the phone...which has been chirping with texts so I better go...big smile...thanks for checkin' in all.

sprinkle doughnut

Tonight I f*cked up...I got angry at the Pea and yelled at her, and she didn't deserve it. I hate when I do that...I hate that I get mad at her when what I am really mad at is myself and my life. She didn't want to go to bed, and I wanted her to; after I read her her books and tucked her in she got up and went running down the hall, and instead of laughing it off or just going and getting her, I yelled. She went to bed upset and now I am upset. What I want to do now is wake her up and apologize, but that would just be selfish, so here I sit, writing about it.

Being a parent is hard...being a good parent is really damn hard...being a really good parent all by yourself: nearly impossible. The saying "it takes a village..." yeah, it does. I have found that single moms tend to do one of three things to manage the raising of their kid(s) if they can't afford to hire help: they 1) get a man, any man, and latch on for dear life (not usually a good idea and tends to leave one alone again, down the line, and looking for another one) 2) enlist the help of the grandparents (usually the best idea, and often the most feasible...in my case, not so much) or 3) gather up other single mommy friends and form a "village" of one's own. Dancergirl and I have taken this route and formed ourselves a little family. We haven't taken to living together or anything, but we are like sisters, and our kids like siblings, and I don't know how I would be making it right now without her.

Not only do we take each other's kids on a regular basis so the other can work, run errands, date, or just be alone, but we hang out together a lot and talk, while the kids play. We talk about the usual stuff girlfriends talk about, but we also talk about how scary it is to be doing this alone...how nice it would be to have someone else do the dishes, just once...or how great it will be when the kids are old enough to help with the laundry. We talk about not wanting to settle or take the "get a man, any man" route, but how easy it would be to do some days...and we talk about how we just want to be good mommies. We want to play and have fun with the kids, we want to provide them with a nice safe life, we want to help them grow up to be good people...just like married mommies do.

I guess, just like any parent, married or not, what I need to do is strive to do better next time. I can't go back and not yell, even though I wish I could, but I CAN apologize to her in the morning, and give her a big hug and kiss...and then take her to DD for a sprinkle doughnut...wouldn't it be great if all of our f*ck ups could be fixed with a sprinkle doughnut?

tgif

I think I am out of the funk. Went out to dinner with Booya, JD, Elliott, Jojo, DrCox, and NY the other night and they lifted my spirits and helped me renew my faith...thanks guys! I hadn't seen JD or Booya in months and reconnecting is always a happy time, plus I was able to vent about the whole job deal to people who are still there and understand...or rather who don't understand either. The great thing about friends who love you unconditionally is they help you see the good in yourself when you can't. They also don't let you get too far into pity without a swift kick and an "ok, that's enough of that crap...suck it up."

I spent all day yesterday hanging with the Pea, playing, and resting...and didn't beat myself up one bit for not having a job or where I am in life right now. Today I will get to work applying for new jobs, workout, and enjoy the day, and hopefully by tonight have a little something more to write about.

to clarify

Well, I just got off the phone with DH and I need to clarify a few things...a reader made a phone call to him, everybody is all in a tizzy...oh the drama. Ok 1) apparently he did not say damaged...I remember damaged, he does not...affected...he said affected. 2) I never had a lesbian affair...I am still unsure of where this came from but at some point in the past I said something that was taken as such and he wants it out there in the universe that I did not, so the Pea does not hear of such things (which to be honest would not be all that bad I don't think, but there ya go...) and 3) he was at the birth of our child...he slept through only the first part of my labor, while I was still at home...he drove me to the hospital, stayed there throughout, rubbed my back and cut the cord...I don't remember what exactly I said he did or didn't in my birth story, about to go back and re-read now just to humor myself, but if I led anyone to believe otherwise, sorry.

Here is the birth story: http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2009/05/birth.html

Still not sure where the lesbian thing came from...huh.

the day

The Pea is still sound asleep...she had a big day yesterday. We had a great lunch at the beach, fun at the park, went shopping for her present, a party at her school, and then home, where she played with Dancergirl's little guy while Betty and I talked and drank wine.

Betty and I talked about the usual...work, men, kids, upcoming events, etc. I talked about Coach, since I finally got to see him in action, and then got to spend time with him on Monday night, she talked mostly about work since she has been so busy with hers, and we both talked about having little girls.

I think we get the kids we are meant to parent...I think our kids teach and mold us as much (if not more) than we do them. I always thought boys would be better, easier to parent, and more my speed and yet I cannot imagine having anything BUT a little girl at this point. She is my pal, my bud, my mini me, who I get to parent the way I wish I had been. She is the age now that I was when mom left B. With every new age and stage I think back to my childhood and try to make sure that I do a better job than they did...I am far from perfect, but I would like to think I learned enough to not make the SAME mistakes. I am a fairly strict parent, and firm, and it kills me sometimes to NOT give into her because I want her to be happy; it is days like yesterday that I realize the stuff that really makes her happy, and saying no to candy or more TV is ok. The things she got MOST excited about yesterday: ranch dressing, new pjs, the park, seeing me hang upside down on the monkey bars (which gotta say kinda made my day too, it has been YEARS since I did that), presents in the mail, reading new books, sleeping in my bed.

The other night, in a conversation with DH, he indicated that the Pea was forever "damaged" by our divorce, and used me and my life as an example of what divorced parents do to a kid and boy did I get mad...I am still mad, and he doesn't understand why. I think as humans we are all to some extent "damaged" although I HATE that word...there is not one person on this planet over the age of two that hasn't been hurt, betrayed, let down, or abandoned in some way, and every time that happens it changes us. Every heartbreak forces us to grow...some it makes bitter and cold, others it makes more grateful for future triumph. DH indicated that for the Pea it is over...no matter what we do or how we parent now, she is screwed, and if we had stayed together that wouldn't be the case...HELL. NO. I started to point to examples of screwed up people all over the place whose parents stayed together (I used him as one) but then stopped cuz I thought "what is the point?" It has become painfully obvious that some people, he included, just don't get it. It isn't about yesterday or a year ago or what happens TO us that matters, but rather today, right now and what we DO...what we choose now. The stuff that happens to us, especially the bad, sucks...especially if we lose someone we love, but giving up, labeling oneself damaged, and sitting out the rest of life waiting to die?

When Jojo came into work after losing her son she said to me "Yeah I am hurting...I am hurt and mad and sad, but I have to honor the day...I have to accept that God saw fit for ME to still be here so I have to honor Him and be thankful for the day, put one foot in front of the other, and move through it." I will NEVER forget that. Yesterday the Pea and I honored the day...it wasn't the perfect four year old birthday I had imagined for her back when she was first born and I was determined to give her the life I didn't have...the one with pony rides, and a pretty dress, and two parents madly in love doting on her, but it was good enough, and she was happy.

Plus, I got to swing on the swings and hang upside down on the monkey bars, which I now highly recommend to all of you out there who haven't done it in awhile. You might wanna borrow a kid if you don't have one of your own, cuz showing up on a playground by yourself could get you pegged as "damaged"...as one who is though, I must say: it isn't all that bad.

happy bday Pea

Happy Birthday Pea!!!!

It is my baby girl's birthday today...four years ago today was the happiest day of my life. Well, ok the first 20 hours not so happy, but by 10:15pm, very much so. Every day since then, she has provided the driving force in every decision of every day.


I am not doing so well unemployed, I have been floundering a bit, and in a funk, and this morning I resolved to change that. I got a gift, when I lost my job, of more time with the Pea...I would be at work today, get to only see her for a few hours tonight, and instead we have the whole day. We will go to lunch, have a party at her school, and then whatever else she wants to do, and I should be enjoying every minute of it, not worrying what the future will bring. I am scared to death of the possibility of not finding another job and the repercussions of that, but today, TODAY is the Pea's birthday and so instead of writing I will leave you with an old post that I re-read to inspire me, and go celebrate my little miracle.

http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2009/08/today.html

pissedoffedness

I started Halloween by getting yelled at in the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts by a woman with no teeth. Well, ok, she had SOME teeth, just not the ones in the front. Not sure exactly why she was yelling at me either, something to the effect of "I'll be out of your way in a minute, damn!" and as far as I was concerned she wasn't even in my way. I was minding my own business, trying to get the Pea out of her car seat and she was getting out of her car next to me...anyway, I went home and flossed...then brushed...then flossed again. I couldn't eat any candy after that either cuz all I could think of was that scary woman yelling at me and me just wanting her to shut her mouth. Of course, I would prolly be in general pissed off all the time if I had no teeth.

Speakin' of pissed off, the Pea ended up being the teeny tiniest most pissed off pumpkin that ever was, later that night. The Pea was a pumpkin for Halloween, and for some reason, a rather irritated one. She wanted to head out about 4pm and when I wouldn't let her she got pissed and stayed that way, there were a few bright spots through the night, but an overall air of pissedoffedness, that coming from less than 30lbs of baby girl, was just plain funny. Dancergirl and her little guy came over, we all had dinner together and then we set out for trick or treating. After a few houses the Pea decided she was done and headed for home, leaving the three of us stunned, and then me running after her. When we got home I thought she would enjoy handing out candy. Instead, whenever someone came to the house she rolled her eyes, stomped to the front door, pointed to the bowl, said "it's right there!" and then left them, a bit stunned, and stomped back to her perch on a bar stool in the kitchen, where she scowled at me while I talked on the phone to Smash.

Sunday was a lazy day for the most part, although we did head to Betty's for the afternoon game and dinner. Luckily by then the Pea was back to her usual happy self, and we had a nice night. This morning I have been fighting to stay motivated to do anything other than go back to bed...I do have to go assemble goodie bags for the Pea's birthday party, and now that I think about it will go do, and since I don't have anything more to report, or anything all that interesting, I will leave you with last years post about goodie boxes... http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/11/its-all-about-boxes.html

and then I will go floss again...just for good measure.

day in the life

I remember a blog I once read that had a post "day in the life." Most of the posts were very philosophical and intellectual, but the one that just documented the day was the one I enjoyed the most. I thought, what the hell...this was my yesterday. The Pea was with her daddy last night, obviously if I had had her my night would have been quite different.

Started the day by getting the Pea set up in front of the TV with breakfast, making coffee, and taking a shower. I then, get dressed, get her clothes laid out, get her backpack packed...she not only needed her usual change of clothes and a spare, but also her Halloween costume, so she could show daddy. Drink coffee while watching Toot and Puddle with the Pea. Toot and Puddle are pigs...pigs who live together, in their perfect little house in the woods, and travel all over the world on adventures...I am very envious of Toot and Puddle and their adventures...also, they are both boys, think Ernie and Bert. The Pea gets herself dressed while Toot and Puddle muddle through the amazonian rain forest, and then I take her to school. I linger a bit longer than usual, the Pea holds my leg a bit longer than usual, the teacher finally pries us apart and politely pushes me out the door.

Back home, I get on the computer...check email, facebook, write in the private blog, write in this blog, check email again, go to TheFrisky.com and do some reading, decide I need more coffee. Realize there aren't enough coffee grinds for more than a half a cup, curse myself for not having more on hand, decide WTF...dump the tablespoon of new coffee grinds onto the old and run another pot. It's not too bad. Get back on the computer to look for jobs...curse myself for not having a copy of my resume and think about making a new one, decide instead to send messages on facebook and comment on people's status. Have texting conversation with Gigi, have texting conversation with NY.

Decide to apply for online writing job...get very excited, start filling out application. Get to section "List published articles and books, all press appearances, professional accolades" realize I have nothing to list, get frustrated and log off. Pick up my book, turn on SportsCenter, and lay on the couch to read. Read a few chapters, start to fall asleep, get pissed at myself for being a lazy slug, think about going for a run...decide instead to eat...cold pizza. Have texting conversation with Coach. Wander around the house aimlessly, not wanting to clean, but noticing all that needs to be cleaned, decide to go through the stack of mail that has been accumulating over the last month. Find overdue medical bill, panic...realize I can pay online, log back on computer and pay bill...decide while I am at it to pay other bills and balance checkbook, get sad. Smash calls (oh thank God) we talk for 40 minutes...I tell her the deal with Philly, we talk about NY and Coach, we get into a conversation about Pakistan, and then Obama, and then from there survival supplies in case of a disaster...we agree that the price on freeze dried strawberries is ridiculous...and then she is home, so we say goodbye. I check my pantry and realize my hurricane kit consists of one gallon of water and a candle, and think about doing something about that, but decide instead to go through my DVR. I delete programs I know I won't watch, set up new recordings, and end up watching two episodes of Grey's Anatomy, and one of The Office. Call Dancer Girl...we talk about men, money, the kids, and going trick or treating.

Get back on the computer, and remember I promised to call Matchdate # hmmmm, what are we up to? so scroll through old emails to find his number, realize he has the same name as Philly (with the same spelling which is sort of unusual) and am kind of weirded out. I call anyway, get voicemail (yay!) leave a message that I am on my way out to watch the game with some friends, and that I will call him another day. I take a shower, get in bed, turn on the game. Have texting conversation with NY. Coach calls...we talk about getting together, but don't make any actual plans to do so. I get up, get a beer, and realize I am hungry...I take my beer, and a plate of cheese and crackers, back to my bed and watch the rest of the game...make a mental note to self that tomorrow I should eat something other than cheese topped carbs.

New Matchdate guys calls, at first I am like "who the hell?" then I remember and answer. His voice is just like Philly's...his accent is just like Philly's...I mention the baseball game and he says "I am from Philly." I throw up a little in my mouth. I want to hang up the phone but he is just talking away...OH. MY. GOD. NewPhilly wants to get together sometime, but since the poor guy already has two strikes against him that he doesn't know about and has no control over, I feel bad. I know that the slightest thing is going to send me screaming from him, and he won't know what the hell happened.

I hang up, turn off the light, and try to sleep. I toss and turn for what feels like hours, finally fall asleep, and wake up this morning at 7. Without any real reason to get out of bed, I stay there until 9.

catch up

A lot has happened the past few days...some good, some not so...a quick update and then some sh*t that doesn't s#ck...

Tuesday I had to go into work to sign some papers and say goodbye. Donning a visitors badge verses my regular badge was more a kick in the gut that I imagined it would be...I didn't like it much at all...it very much sucked. Signing papers that made the whole deal official...sucked bad. Having the man who decided to get rid of me play nice, condescend me, and pretend to "care" really sucked...for the record Boss Man: you can't yank the rug out from underneath some one's feet, put them between a rock and a hard place, force them to make a decision in a few days that they never imagined they would have to make at all, justify it all with the ol' "budget" argument when the company pissed away more than their salary at a convention the week before and expect anything BUT seething anger...I mean c'mon...seriously?

[short break while I do some yoga and deep breathing in order to prevent myself from having a stroke...]

Ok, then...so on a good note...oh wait, first more bad...pretty sure Philly and I are done. The stress of having the Yanks and the Phillies play each other in the World Series was just too much of a strain on the relationship and we called it quits last night...no, not really. The stress of everything else going on in our respective lives, yes, but even I am not one to walk away from someone over baseball...football perhaps, but not baseball. It just got too hard, and this early on and with everything else going on, I couldn't do hard. [So laughing out loud right now as my filthy little mind went straight to naughty...perhaps I should have said difficult.]

Now, for the good stuff. I have a new boy to add to my circle, welcome NY. Ever know someone for years, but not really know them, and then all of a sudden spend some time with them in a different setting and realize they are really cool? He was the last person I expected to be my shoulder for the last two weeks, but he was, and what a nice surprise. Another nice surprise...I got a tax refund...talk about good timing too. I know, I know, taxes should have been done back in April, if not before, but given DH and I had to work together to do them, it didn't actually happen until sometime near midnight on October 14th. The deposit into my account came this week, and because of all that was going on, I had forgotten it was coming, so yippee! Another yippee...Booya is on his way home!! He will be here tomorrow, and I can't wait to squeeze him. Last on my list of good stuff, I may FINALLY get to see Coach in action this weekend. Every game I planned on going to I never made it to, and it looks like this time it is actually gonna happen...fingers crossed nothing comes up, and it doesn't rain.

Ok, you are all caught up, and I promise to start writing more...more stories, more random thoughts, more musings on this lovely and confusing life...it's not like I don't have time. In the meantime, a little work humor for ya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hCgzvC028k

polyester dreams

So the first "real" day of unemployment...very weird.

I made a list, last night, of all the things I wanted to accomplish this week. Some things I have wanted to get done for months and just haven't, a few are in an effort to secure a new job, and a few because of the job loss. To keep the Pea on a good schedule, and to prevent me from getting lazy and spending all day on the couch watching ESPN, I decided I would get up 7:30, get us both ready, and then spend the day working on my list while the Pea was at school. Well, I woke up at 7:29, yay for me, good start...I turned on the light and the Pea walked in "hey baby doll, g'mornin...wanna snuggle with mommy for a few minutes before we get up?" Next thing I knew it was 9:04...it is now 10:30...the Pea is finally at school, I am watching SportsCenter, the list is taunting me from the kitchen counter.

One of the things on the list is the rather obvious "GET A F*CKING JOB" and apparently it is weighing on me SO much that my subconscious already has me working. I had a dream I was a Hooters girl. There I was, in my too tight tank, teeny tiny heinous orange short shorts with my ass hanging out, and ridiculous knee socks, slinging wings. Then, as in dreams it is possible to do, it was suddenly the end of my shift and I was leaning against the counter counting my tips and telling one of the other girls how surprised I was I wasn't more tired, since I hadn't waitressed in so long, and wasn't used to being on my feet all day. I woke up in a panic because it was one of those really real dreams and I was embarrassed for myself...I am too old to be a Hooters girl, and don't look good in orange.

The dream has me a bit shaken...I had all this confidence last week that I would find a "real" job soon and not be left in a position that I would have to take one of those jobs that lends itself to a heinous polyester uniform, but I have been here before. I have never waitressed in a "real" restaurant, ya know with cloth napkins and pepper mills, where if you are part of the wait staff you can actually make a decent living and consider it a career. No, the extent of my waitressing experience has been while donning something gross and pretending to flirt with drunk ass morons who think they have done you a favor by giving you a dollar. Waffle House and Pure Gold...oh yeah...very unflattering brown stripes and far TOO flattering gold sequins.

I went to college on an academic scholarship, so everything from tuition to books was paid for...they drew the line at cute shoes though, so I needed to make some money and the Waffle House was the only place in town that was hiring at the time. I later got a bartending job which was a whole lot better, but for months I endured that awful polyester brown mess they called a uniform and slung hashbrowns "scattered, smothered, topped" and perfectly browned waffles. The Pure Gold gig was while I was in flight school, a decade later. Flight hours aren't cheap, and until I got a job working for the company that ran the flight school and was able to weasel free flight time, I had to endure gold sequins, and high heels, and sling $6 Budweisers.

I have no idea what job I will end up getting when it is all said and done, but God help me if I end up having to wear anything polyester, striped, or sequined...that really would be a nightmare.

saturday

Yesterday ended up being a pretty good day...just hung out with the Pea until it was time to drop her off with DH, and then off to spend the night with Betty. The plan was to go to a football game, but we never made it. We ended up at a party instead, which while quite nice, I am somewhat regretting right now, cuz my motivation to get up and going is slim to none. Today my plan is to get ready and head out of town...I am off do to some visiting, and then chick night with Sexylegs. [To Grey: pretty sure there won't be any penis straws this time, matter of fact I had no idea such a thing existed until you mentioned it, but if you let me know where I can find them I will pick some up for next time, I'm sure the girls will appreciate ;) ] I love chick nights...I think hanging out with a bunch of really cool women, drinking wine, and talking about everything from kids (men), to work (men), to sex (men) is great, and I am looking forward to it. If there is any chance I will get there in time though, I need to get off this computer and in the shower, so I am off...more tomorrow.

day 1

Unemployment day 1.

I didn't think today would bother me...I figured, since I normally don't work on Friday, it would be like any other, and the reality wouldn't hit until Monday. Wrong. I am antsy as hell, really nervous, and feel overwhelmed with all there is to do. I need to file for unemployment, get my resume in order (where the hell IS my resume...I haven't seen it in 7 years...) start looking for jobs, make calls, get the word out, etc. etc. etc. I KNOW I don't need to do all this today, it just FEELS like I need to do it all today.

When I left work yesterday, drove out of the gate for the last time as an employee, I cried for a half an hour...I spent most of last weekend in denial...the beginning of the week pissed off as hell...and then as the reality of never getting up and going to work in that place, seeing those people again dawned, I just lost it. I was getting inundated with texts and calls and talked to a few of them, but I really just wanted to turn the radio up loud and drive. By the end of the two hour drive when I pulled into the parking lot of the Pea's school, I was at acceptance, I felt good, and I was ready to see my baby girl. I had Kings of Leon in the CD player and as we neared home "Use Somebody" started playing. The Pea knows all the words and was singing along, loud and off key, and it hit me...I have a really cool kid, a really great little person that is turning 4 in a few weeks and NOW an opportunity to hang out with her. I will be able to be at her birthday party at school, I will be able to do stuff in the afternoons with her instead of home and right to bed, I won't be so damn tired all the time and will be a better mommy to this really fun kid, who happens to have great taste in music.

We spent the night at my friend Betty's house...she knew I wouldn't want to be alone, and felt like we should be celebrating my new adventure, so she made me come over, fed me Mexican (which you all know is my favorite) and we toasted, over many margaritas, my new life. We toasted unemployment, time off to spend with my kid, doors opening that I don't even know about yet, and blessings in disguise. I crashed hard about 10pm and slept...actually slept, for the first time in I don't know how long...until 8am.

As I embark on my new "adventure" I am both nervous and excited...I KNOW it will all work out, I know I will end up in a better place and look back grateful...I know that the next few months that I am able to spend with the Pea will be some of the best of my life and ones I will cherish forever. I am nervous about the unknown, about the work involved to find a new job, about losing my motivation after a few weeks and getting down. I am excited that I will now have more time to write and to spend with friends and family...I am excited that this forces me to pursue some of the jobs and the opportunities that I haven't because of a lack of time (and by that I mean lack of courage conveniently written off as lack of time)...I am excited that I am excited. I didn't feel this way after losing the last two jobs...and I was younger and had less responsibility.

Ok...despite feeling like there is much to do, I am gonna go squeeze my kid instead...I am gonna get off this computer, start fresh on Monday with the job search, and just go out and enjoy the day. It is gorgeous outside, we should be out there...or at the very least: in the car, driving around, with the music up loud, singing off key.

f*ck

Well I clearly spoke too soon...just when I thought things were getting settled, life was looking good, and I had my shit together, the rug got yanked right out from under foot. I lost my job yesterday...they did away with it. Back to square one, back to WTF am I gonna do? How the f*ck am I gonna make it? Why can't I ever get on track and into a routine for more than a day or two? Back to chaos...should make for some good stories, huh?

fabulous

I had a pretty fabulous day today. Yesterday was hard, long, and no fun...today, just the opposite. I played in a golf tournament this morning with one of my besties...got to catch up with a bunch of the golfergirls, and then had a great lunch and drinks after...must say, catching up with friends, playing golf, and raising money doesn't suck. Wish I had more for my usual Thursday post, but just haven't run across much fun stuff this week...next week I will try to have lots.

After I got home from the golf course I decided to take some time for myself and enjoy the rest of the day...I was missing the Pea, but tried to make the most of the time at home without her, without falling into a funk. I went for a run, took a long hot shower, and then caught up on a little of the tv in my dvr. I have to work tomorrow, to make up for today, and should be heading to bed right about now, but silly me made the superb decision to grab a coffee this after noon and am still a bit amped up so I figured I would try and write. Unfortunately, not only do I not have anything to share for my Sh*t that doesn't S#ck, I don't have any stories either. Seems like even though life has been busy and crazy, it hasn't been chaotic, and out of chaos usually comes the stories.

I feel like I am finally settling into a routine, getting my shit straight, and doing an ok job of taking care of both me and the Pea. I guess it is about time, huh? DH and I are finally at a point where things will be finalized and settled...we had what should probably be the last "talk" today. I had a bit of Cosmo courage leaving the course (we HAD to drink something pink, it was a breast cancer fundraiser after all) and was feeling good, and made a call I had been dreading. Luckily, he was ready to talk, and we got it all settled. It wasn't fun, or nice, or easy, but there was a huge sense of relief when it was over. We can finally both move on. This past week has been tough on both of us and the Pea picked up on it...she acted out in school and hasn't been sleeping, and I think we both realized we just had to get it done...face the losses, suck it up, and move forward.

There were 5 cancer survivors playing in the tournament today...2 just a year cancer free. Seeing them, hugging them, taking a step back from my shit for a minute to realize that having my health is so very lucky and REALLY, all that matters, changed my perspective a bit. Maybe it wasn't just the Cosmo that gave me courage...maybe it was being inspired by women far stronger, tougher, and more resilient than I. Surviving cancer: doesn't suck...surviving, and thriving, and taking advantage of every day...fabulous...cheers to you ladies, and thanks for the inspiration.

4 days

My four day holiday weekend just flew by...swear to God it was just Thursday night, like, a minute ago...*sigh*

Given that the weekend was FILLED with awesome games, both football and baseball, every spare minute was spent in front of a TV either watching a game or watching highlights from the games...hence, I never got on the computer for more than a minute or two to check email.

Friday was non-stop...I started the day with a visit to my lawyer, and let me just say, for the record, divorce SUCKS...no, not just sucks, sucks bad...I don't recommend doing it...EVER. Not only is it awful, but it aint cheap...uck. After the lawyer came some happy fun time (no, not that kind of happy fun time, darnit) as I decided to finally cash in a gift certificate I won for free golf lessons. It was nice to be back out there, smashing the ball, and since I have another tournament to play in this week (Rally For The Cure...find one, play in it!) it doesn't hurt that I have confidence in my swing again. After the golf came a quick visit with Gigi to catch up and then later, dinner with Lady. What was supposed to be a "me" day quickly turned into a "run myself ragged" day and despite it all being good, was exhausting.

Saturday started off with pumpkin doughnuts and a run...finished with a trip to the park and the pumpkin patch...it was a great mommy day, and the Pea was ridiculously cute and fun. When the Florida @ LSU game started I tried to put her to bed but she was so adamant about staying up to watch, that instead of fighting with her, I just let her watch the first quarter. A few highlights from the game: every time there was a first down the Pea yelled "pirates!" (ECU fans will appreciate), when Tebow dropped his mouth guard and had to take a time out, I said "what was that about?" the Pea, without skipping a beat said, "The alligator guy was bad, when you are bad you need a time out...he had to go to TIME OUT!" and upon seeing the LSU tiger asked "Mommy, do alligators eat tigers?" Ahh, out of the mouths of babes...

Sunday started with some visiting and then...more football. A few highlights: The Panthers FINALLY won a game...it wasn't pretty, and against most other teams would have been a loss, but it was a W and that means they won't go 0-16, whew. While watching that game the Pea asked if we could watch "the other game" soooo, I switched to the other game, only to be told "NOOO, the OTHER game...with the alligators...it was better." LOL...yes, baby, it was a better game, but cut the Panthers some slack. After that, the Pats @ Denver, and sorry Coach but you have some competition for my favorite football coach on the planet...is anyone else in love with Josh McDaniels? I detest the Broncos, but boy do I love the coach, the game was awesome and his reaction to the win was priceless...fun to watch. The Colts *smile* they make me happy...the Yanks...yay...nice to see ARod doing something in the post season...the Sox, uhm wow...that's it? I know as a Yanks fan I should be delighted, but I just figured you guys would be around a little longer.

Today was nice...planned on playing golf, but with rain threatening went to a movie instead. Saw Couples Retreat...it was good, and definitely funny, but bummed me out a little. Hell, I can watch Vince Vaughn in pretty much anything and end up happy, but since the whole thing was couple and marriage centered it made me think of my own marriage, and its early demise, and well, I just wouldn't recommend if you are at the end stages of a divorce...Philly agreed, as we are both at that stage, and we both left the theater kind of blah. Better now, as the Pea was delighted to see me when I picked her up tonight, and since, well...you guessed it...there is more football.

stages

Ok, so I don't have much this week for my Sh*t That Doesn't S#ck, I haven't had much time to surf the internet in search of cool stuff...I did, however, run across this little gem and wanted to share. The boys at Maxim broke down relationships into 5 stages and I thought they were hilarious...and whether you think BEING in a relationship sucks or doesn't suck is irrelevant...the truth is they all start out pretty much like they say in Stage 1 and go from there...this is from the guys perspective, of course, but since most of the time I act like a guy (Dude, stop laughing, I am still pissed you called me out on Monday) I can totally relate...Enjoy:

forgetful fairy

I was a little late getting home tonight because I got stuck behind both a school bus AND a tractor, and then had to stop for gas...I was a bit irritated and tired, and wasn't at all looking forward to cooking dinner or doing the nightly routine. UNTIL, I walked into the house and realized the house was clean...oh yeah, the bathrooms, the kitchen...laundry done, beds made, trash taken out...WTF? Did the cleaning fairies FINALLY show? Then I remembered...I did all that...Sunday afternoon and Monday morning, all so I wouldn't have to worry about it tonight... and had completely forgotten. I would like to think it is an indication of starting to get my shit together, but since I didn't remember doing it, and was perplexed when I got home, perhaps not...

cougartown

Had a busy weekend and never got a chance to write, and then was planning on writing before the game last night, but it just didn't happen...oh well. So the weekend went well, had a nice Friday with Mom, did lunch, pedis, and some shopping and then home. Watched a movie: Sunshine Cleaning, highly recommend. I thought it was awesome...mom thought it was OK. Saturday we did the outdoor festival thing, which is always way more crowded and a lot less fun than you think it will be going into it. It didn't help it got hot, really hot, and we were dressed for not hot...uck, by the time we got to the car to go home we were all sweaty and tired and cranky. Saturday night mom watched the Pea for me so I could go to a party with Philly.

The party itself was great...good people, good food, lots of booze...it made me feel a bit old, however. See, the party was a 30th birthday and I was the OLDEST person there. Most of my friends are nearing 40 (and more) and 30 seems so long ago...when they brought out the cake and I saw the numbers, and a discussion was had about how he was "the old man" there, I snuck out the back door to get some air in hopes the age discussion wouldn't turn my way. I try not to think about the fact that Philly is nearly 10 years my junior, cuz then it makes me crazy, but sometimes I just can't help it. For the most part the age thing doesn't bother me, and is not a factor in the relationship, but every once in awhile I get smacked in the face with reality and I get to thinking.

The fact that "cougars" are all the rage in the media right now doesn't help. Have ya seen Cougartown with Courtney Cox? It is on Wednesday nights...I watched the premier cuz I was told I HAD to (around the workplace they have taken to calling me "cougette") and while it was fun and kinda funny, I wasn't all that impressed. It definitely hit on some of the not so fun aspects of being a new single mom, and still feeling young but not necessarily perceived as such, especially by single men, but it was a little hokey and predictable. Anyway, the second episode, which I didn't watch but heard about the next day, was partly about her secret beauty routines. Apparently she was getting up an hour before her new younger man to do her hair and makeup and then getting back into bed and "waking up" with him, all so he wouldn't ever see her "real" 40 year old face. Well, let me say for the record I am just too damn lazy and like my sleep too damn much to ever do that, but I can certainly understand wanting to. The thought has crossed my mind, more than once, that if Philly sees me in the morning, takes a look at me in that bright morning light, no makeup, hair a mess...sees my wrinkles, age spots, and grey hair...he will realize I am old, and wonder what the hell he is doing. He assures me this will never happen, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it, and probably one of the reasons I am holding back and not letting the relationship progress.

Don't know what the episode tomorrow night is about, or if I will have a chance to see it, but since everyone else seems to think I can identify with the character I am sure I will hear about it. Of course, the fact that I don't actually identify with, or see myself anything like, the character in Cougartown is irrelevant...I see myself like and can identify with, FAR BETTER, the character in Sunshine Cleaning...but if everyone else wants to think I am sexy, fabulous, have my shit together, and can "snag" a younger man...uh, sure...ok.

tgif

TGIF!!!! Just dropped the Pea off at school, came home and mowed my lawn (which if I had waited another day to do would have gotten me lynched by my neighbors), and my next task (which you can tell I am just jumping right into while I sit at the computer) is getting my house clean before my mom gets here. Mom is down in NC for a few weeks and is staying with me this and next weekend. I am very excited about the lunch and pedis we have planned for today and hoping the weather will be nice over the weekend so we can go exploring and have some fun.

When I dropped the Pea at school there was a daddy there, apparently it is career week in the pre-school world. The daddy at Pea's daycare was a police officer and was all decked out in his uniform talking to the kids about safety. The kids were enamored. Now to anyone else this would not be funny, but it cracked me up for two reasons...one, he looked just like the cop in The Hangover "In the face! In the face!" which of course made me think of the movie, and the stun gun scene, and cracked me up and two, it made me remember that earlier in the week I got a chance to see and talk to Dude as he was on his way to his baby girls pre-school to talk to the kids. Well, Dude is a military pilot, which gotta admit is like one of the coolest jobs on the planet, and he was going all decked out in his flight suit and bringing his helmet, and survival equipment...not only do the ladies like a man in uniform, but kids think it is AWESOME and go ape shit. Dude and I got to talking about the whole daddy career day thing, and how cool it is to have a dad with a cool job, and then, of course, we got on topic of dads with not so cool jobs and how their presentations must go (Hi kids, I'm Bob, I'm an accountant...can anyone tell me what a spread sheet is? look auto sum! ooooh, ahhhh) and the thought crossed my mind that if I ever get remarried and have another kid, it will have to be to a guy with a cool job. I don't know why I had that thought, and I don't know what exactly can be considered cool, but I had the thought, which then made me think of the scene in The Breakup "that's what we "in the biz" call..." and then I immediately thought of my profile on Match and now I am gonna have to change it: "sorry, no accountants, please."

This entire thought process took place in the time it took for me to give the Pea a hug and walk out of the building and by the time I got in my car I was laughing out loud. Does anyone else out there have these kinds of random thoughts that lead to other random thoughts that end up so ridiculous you wonder "where the hell did I come up with that, and why?" or is it just me...

Mom...very cool job...which reminds me, mine is on her way and my house is still trashed...signing off, have a great weekend all!

pink

Today is the first day of October...October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I lost my grandmother to breast cancer...both Smash and Betty have undergone numerous surgeries to prevent themselves from becoming a statistic...at least three of the golfergirls are fighting or recovering from the fight to rid their bodies...Alaska's wife is about to undergo yet another 26 week round of a chemo combo so nasty it would have killed ALL the men I know and half of the women. To say breast cancer sucks is an understatement akin to "the sun is hot."

What doesn't suck is less women die within 5 years of being diagnosed with breast cancer now than did 10 years ago, and there is a very real chance that the survival rate for most breast cancers could be as high as 98% by the time my baby girl gets boobies...yeah, I know that's a long shot but my fingers are crossed. I thought I would share a few of the organizations, events, products etc. that either promote awareness or give money to the fight of breast (and other) cancers that I happen to like and endorse and remember: WEAR PINK!

Probably the most well known organization that raises money to fund research is the Susan G. Komen Foundation http://ww5.komen.org/ I participate in a Rally For The Cure Golf Tournament every year, and this year, if I can get my ass in gear, will also participate in a Race For The Cure. They are a ton of fun and most of the money goes to fund research...which is key because if only the drug companies are funding the research a "cure" will never be found...the "treatment" of cancer is far too profitable.

Another organization that is less well known, and not as well funded, but has a far better name: Save The Ta-Tas http://www.savethetatas.com/ they have fantastic tees, tanks, and other stuff that a portion of the proceeds of are given to fund awareness, education, and prevention...and isn't "save the ta tas" just great to say?

I love the "fight like a girl" and "save second base" stuff because it is fun and eye catching...here is a site that carries a bunch: http://www.zazzle.com/pink+ribbon+gifts

Here is one of my favorites because early detection greatly reduces your risk of death and MOST breast cancer, especially in young women, is found by either the woman or her significant other noticing a change and bringing it to the attention of her doctor. FEEL YOUR BOOBIES LADIES...DO IT...and if you don't want to ask a man...they are usually happy to. http://www.feelyourboobies.com/

Take care of the "girls" ladies, and take of you, cuz if you don't you can't take care of your men or your babies...and lawd knows they can't take care of themselves!

money

Last night Coach asked me a question...today, in a completely different type of conversation Jojo asked the same question: "If money were no object, what would you do?" Coach and I had been talking about jobs, Jojo and I were talking about life, but in both cases I thought about the reality of money not being a factor in my decisions and how different life would be.

For the most part I am happy, I like my life and the things that bring me the most joy aren't things that money can buy...one thing I don't have enough of, and money would help with though, is time with friends and family. Money can't extend the day, of course, or give you more than 7 days in a week, but it can buy you the freedom to do whatever you want with your time and since most of my time is spent either at my job or commuting to and from it, that would be a huge change. I would also spend more time working out...I would get back to golf, the gym, and yoga...all of which have become a luxury. I would spend more time traveling...I would get to all those places I have been wanting to go or go back to, and whenever there was an exhibit or show or something else that I thought sounded interesting I would just go...without a second thought.

When we were in Charleston in July and on our "dontkay ride" through downtown the Pea spotted a hotel and went nutty. It was painted pink and she fell in love...I promised her at the time we would go back to Charleston, and stay the weekend in the pink house. (http://www.millshouse.com/gallery/index.html) We haven't been able to do that and that would be first on the list.

Also on that list:

Trips up north every month...some months New York, some months Massachusetts, others Rhode Island...we would visit friends and family, or just hang out and enjoy the scenery. We would no longer miss birthdays, holidays, the fall foliage, the whales migrating, Yankee games, or the annual clearance sale at L.L.Bean. I still wouldn't live up there, but being able to enjoy it and see everyone would be nice.

Big sporting events...not saying I would want to go to every NFL game or every baseball playoff, but if the Panthers actually made it to the Super Bowl (yes, I am laughing out loud) or the Cubs made it to the World Series, I would want to be there. Also the Masters, Final Four, Rose Bowl...you get the idea.

Love my little house and the town I live in, they are both great, but if I could I would live on the water...I would live at the beach, and I would have a housekeeper to vacuum up all the sand. I would have a little office with a window that faced the ocean, and I would get up every morning and write...well after I ran to DD and got a coffee that is...my brain doesn't function without caffeine, even in a parallel universe where I have all the money in the world.

How about you? What would you do...how would you live...what would your life be like if you didn't have to think about money?

pumpkin doughnuts

I am tearing myself away from Monday Night Football to write, but because my heart is not in it, I thought I would share an old post instead. I know, I know...I am due a story...tomorrow, I promise!

Yesterday Smash texted me: "PUMPKIN DOUGHNUTS!!!!!"

I immediately ran out to Dunkin Donuts only to be told, no, they were not yet available in our area...damn. Because I have been thinking about the damn things ever since though, here ya go...


Thursday, October 30, 2008

addictions and pictures


Well I am not just an addict, I'm a pusher...yup, that's right...last night at 10:30 Smash called me from a Dunkin Donuts drive thru: "OMG, you know those pumpkin doughnuts you like so much, well I tried one the other day and now I'm addicted too! I can't stop!" As I sit here typing, my large hazelnut coffee with skim milk and Splenda (the fewer calories I waste on the coffee the more doughnuts I can eat) is steaming and my half eaten pumpkin doughnut is taunting. We even discussed how we would manage once the little lovelies went away, because they are just a seasonal flavor...the thought of living without was just too much so we plan to freeze a couple dozen (I think we said six dozen to be exact). Oh you laugh, but we were serious...even discussing the merits of Ziploc baggies and what we would have to clear out of the freezer to make room for our little pumpkin friends. Hee hee.

So, lets see...had a pretty great week so far. Monday night went out and found a new watering hole...they didn't have $4 martinis but they did have $2 pints and pool tables. So after kicking Booya's ass (sorry man) on the pool table and sucking down a few of those pints I managed to get some sleep. Tuesday, work was slow, but because I had come in early got to head home early and see my little Pea. Ended up having a really nice night at home and then yesterday was so busy at work the day just flew by. Last night after leaving work I went and bought a digital camera...DH has one that I used religiously the first two and a half years of the Pea's life, but since moving out I haven't been able to take any pictures, other than on my phone. There was no way I was gonna let Halloween and her birthday go by without a ridiculous number of pictures.

I used to feel a little self-conscious bringing in to work pictures of the Pea, almost shy about it. I would bring them in all excited to show people and then not show them unless someone asked because it seemed pushy and arrogant "Here look at these - isn't my kid cute?!" Kinda obnoxious...until, that is, my office mate brought in pictures OF HIS DOG. Now, I have nothing against taking pictures of your dog, I used to do it all the time, especially if she was being especially cute...and nothing against sharing those pictures now and then, but this was different. At a point in the afternoon when no one was on the phone or in the middle of a big project he called us all around to "take a look at something." Well usually that means a video of a plane crash or some other aviation anomaly and then we all sit around and talk about it. We all gather around, bated breath, and he pulls out a STACK of 8 by 10 glossies...of his dog...IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME. Oh yeah...What do you say? "Oh my god, how cute!" Well as the other girls in the office all fawned and shrieked and went on and on over what appeared to be an overgrown hamster in a fairy princess get up I thought to myself, "OK, no more feelin' self-conscious about bringing in the occasional picture of the Pea." These ladies are totally into it, they are eatin' it up...So anyway...tomorrow as my little Pea struts around beggin' for candy, I will be snapping pictures like a maniac and you can be sure the girls in the office will be shrieking and fawning Monday morning, whether they like it or not.

Well, my coffee has cooled and my doughnut is long gone...the office is starting to fill up and I probably ought to try and find something to do...ooooh, maybe someone has pictures of their cat...

sunday

Ahhh, all is right with the world...I am home, and I have my Pea. The golf weekend was a bust, rained the entire time so not a bit of golf was played. Ended up watching football, drinking beer, and for a quick bit of comic relief from the football: bowling. Yeah, not a huge fan of the bowling since I average about a 90, but it was fun, and I was able to provide comic relief for the group, as I resemble a cross between a crane and a flamingo (or so I was told) and send my ball flying into the gutter pretty regularly. It is a good thing I have no issue with being made fun of and laughed "with."

Well since I have MUCH to do and want to make it to bed at a reasonable hour, I am gonna go ahead and sign off. Hopefully I will have a story for you tomorrow...been slackin' on that front haven't I?

all the good guys

It is early...I should be in bed. The Pea is still asleep, I have nowhere to be, and I am still tired, but I can't sleep. Just watched the highlights of last nights game and damn, sorry I missed that...looks like it was a good one. The Pea and I are planning on lots of fun stuff today: the mall, the park, maybe the aquarium. I am keeping her out of school because she will be staying with DH this weekend and I feel like I haven't gotten to see her much this week. She will be going to a football game (lucky girl) over the weekend, and doing all the fun stuff surrounding that...I will be playing golf, or at least that is the plan...let's hope the weather is good for both of us.

Feeling a little blah, as I usually do right before a non-Pea weekend. I should be happy, and glad that not only will she have a great one, but that I will be able to have a nice grown up weekend without the responsibility. Thing is, I kinda like the responsibility, and the work, and her company. Oh well, it is what it is, and considering some of the alternatives, I will take it.

So, Hot Writer Man, JDV, did his article this week on the best romantic relationships coming from friendships (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mind-of-man-where-all-the-good-guys-are/). And he addressed it to the ladies in a, the good guys are right in front of you, get your heads outta your asses! kind of way. This hit home for me, and has had me thinking ever since. I am "one of the boys" always have been...I have a slew of guy friends and for one reason or another none of them have been or ever will be (?) my boyfriend. JDV says the best relationships come out of friendship and when the passion fades the friendship will be there and all will be well.

Well...that is all well and good in theory, but been there, done that, and not real sure I wanna do it again. DH started as a friend, and even though there was some passion on and off, eventually it just wasn't enough for me. I have plenty of friends...I have both men and women I can yammer to incessantly about my day, go to movies with, go out to eat, or go shopping with. NOW I want passion, I want a guy I can't keep my hands off of, I want a guy who I fantasize about, who I have such crazy chemistry with I can not imagine NOT "being" with. Yes, I know it fades, I know it goes away, and real life gets in the way of having crazy, naughty, monkey sex on the kitchen floor cuz you just can't make it to the bedroom, but I still want that...or at least the memory of it when it has faded. Don't get me wrong: I don't want a jerk who only is around when he is gettin' some, I don't want someone that I have nothing in common with besides sex, and I do want a "good guy" I just want that good guy to make me ache for him.

Booya and I have talked about the whole making a friend a lover thing cuz so many people (especially his mom) have encouraged us to do so, or just assumed we have, BUT, there is a reason Booya and I aren't and never will be lovers...there is no spark. We are like siblings. Yes, we know everything about each other, and hang out all the time, but the answer to "why not?" is well, cuz it would feel like settling. It would be both of us giving up finding "the one" and saying "ok, you are here, you will do" if I was ok with that, I would have stayed in my marriage.

As per JDV's advice, I looked around at all the great guys right in front of me this week, I thought about all the boys in my life. Philly, who could be my boyfriend but I am still holding back on, partly because of the chemistry thing...Coach, who I have the crazy passion and chemistry with, but doesn't seem to want more...and all "my boys" who I have these really great friendships with that have grown and developed over the last year, and with one exception (he IS the prettiest boy on the planet) I just could never see myself with...not because they aren't great, they are...they are some of the best men I have ever met...they just aren't for me.

*sigh*

There is always BOB...maybe I should have grabbed him and gone back to bed this morning instead of all this thinking and typing...hmmmmm...going back to bed now.

no football s#cks

Ahhh, made it through the work week, still not sure why I didn't want to be there, but now that it is over it is all good. Overall it ended up being a good one. Yesterday was super busy, today was easy, and I got to see a few people that I don't get to very often (seriously Grey, could you please stop getting better looking? good lawd) so it didn't suck.

Some more sh*t that doesn't s#ck:

Every time we hear the song in the car the Pea puts both her hands in the air and dances in her car seat and sings along, THIS however, is even cuter...O.M.G. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikTxfIDYx6Q of course the dad laughing while he films is also kinda hilarious.

Ok, along those lines...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U-Qz8yzxVQ&feature=player_embedded#t=25 skip to about 2:30. This ALMOST makes up for not being able to watch real football tonight.

And last...the Pea LOVES this video...it is football bloopers set to "Lets Get Retarded" (think Black Eyed Peas "Let's Get It Started") http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgZ8y2wuIJQ

Enjoy and have a good night!

random

Had a great day today. Jojo was back at work, one of the guys (who I will call Alaska) was in the office, and he always tells the best stories, and I am home now, with the Pea, and Philly is coming over for dinner. I love cooking, but don't do it all that often because I am physically incapable of cooking in small portions. If I cook, the Pea and I eat the leftovers for days. I like having someone else to cook for, especially if that someone is NOT a picky eater. I tend to experiment a lot and like someone who is as adventurous with their palete as I. So, speaking of sharing meals, I had dinner with JD's girl, Elliot, last night. I was a little nervous because we have never been together just the two of us and with JD out of town I really wanted us to like each other, and like hanging with each other. Well, it ended up going great, better than great, and we actually had something other than JD to talk about. In his honor though, and because I need to get off this computer and get cookin' I thought I would run a little something that he sent me today in an email. I don't think these are HIS thoughts, necessarily, I think it was a forward, but they are awesome and I laughed out loud while reading, so I thought I would share.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection again.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?Dangit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruisingspeed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their carkeys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on theDonkey - but I'd bet my a$s everyone can find and push the Snoozebutton from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat POS before dinner.

reality

Ok...here goes, I'm not afraid to say it, life is short right, I should say what I feel...I am falling in love...

...no not really, but I do have a new quarterback crush...Mark Sanchez. Yeah, hate to admit it, but me likey. Ahh, pretty boys who can play ball...I have a weakness, no, a disease rather.

So yeah, watched football pretty much all day yesterday and today, and as a result am up now (it is 9:30pm) writing, and still have to clean, do laundry, and pack. I was hoping the cleaning fairy would show up while the Pea and I were out on our doughnut run this morning but no dice. Even gave the little bitch an extra couple of hours while we hit the park and went for a run and then played, but noooooo...apparently she was busy.

Today was one of those really great fall Sundays...it was sunny, but not too warm, the Pea was in a great mood, we spent all morning outside, watched football all afternoon, and even fell asleep on the couch together for one of those fabulous afternoon naps. I wanted the day to just go on forever...I am dreading going into work for the first time, I think, ever. I really like my job, and the people there, and I always look forward to Mondays, but not this week. Not sure exactly why, but I am sure it has a bit to do with knowing Jojo won't be there, a bit with having to hand over the Pea to school and then to DH for night, and also because it means back to the real world.

In the real world hot QBs don't know I exist and the cleaning fairy NEVER shows...*sigh*

no regrets

Ever have one of those days that get away from you and before you know it it is the next day? Well, that was my yesterday...I never had a chance to write, didn't do my Sh*t That Doesn't S#ck, didn't return any emails, or even check Facebook...oh well. It is a new day, here I am.

Jojo is burying her son today. To write something funny, or silly, just seems wrong, but I felt like I had to write, and while I have been blowing up my journal and my other blog with words for days, they are pissed off, sad, questioning words that if I were to go back and read, probably wouldn't make much sense.

Jojo and I work together in "snackland" and every Tuesday and Thursday are the only ones in the office from 7-8am. We use that time to catch up and talk, and have often referred to those hours as "our therapy." We are a lot alike in that neither of us have a censor,we pretty much wear our heart on our sleeve, and we say exactly what we are thinking when we are thinking it. It is pretty scary, being that way...putting yourself out there, without a filter...you are bound to face rejection, heartbreak, and criticism. Sometimes you offend, only to realize it afterwards, and you beat yourself for days because you never meant to...sometimes you tell someone how great they are, or that you really like them (or *GASP* love them) and they shy away because they, for whatever reason, don't think you should...and sometimes you just annoy because not everyone likes to hear the truth. More often than not though you end up able to have better relationships with those who DO choose to be in your life because they are rarely left wondering where they stand. I would venture to say that everyone I love in one way or another knows it, because I tell them. Everyone who I enjoy being around and spending time with knows it, because I make an effort to do so, and while I may not be able to do for others all that I want to, or spend as much time with those that I want to, they know they are important to me.

Does it always go both ways? Nope, sure doesn't. Have I felt the sting of rejection, or been left wondering what I did wrong? Oh yeah, many times. One thing I have learned as a parent though, that I have carried over into all my other relationships, is that love can be one sided and that is ok...more than ok. My daughter didn't come out of the womb loving me, but I was in love with her before I ever saw her or held her. My daughter was helpless as an infant and "did" nothing to show she appreciated or loved me, but it certainly didn't make me question my value in her life or whether or not she needed me. She wasn't able to say "I love you" or show affection until she was older, yet it didn't stop me from saying it to her, or giving her affection. What I learned from loving her is that the joy comes from the giving, the receiving is a bonus, and if you hold back on the giving you are only cheating yourself. If you hold back on the saying until you know you will hear it back, you may end up never getting a chance to say it, and only YOU will regret that. If you hold back at all, until tomorrow, until you are sure, until you can guarantee you won't get hurt, you will just end up lonely.

Jojo and I both have scared off, or pissed off, our fair share of people with our mouths, and so have a few regrets...what we don't regret is that there are a lot MORE people we have made to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and cared for. Plenty of people leave this planet not knowing they were loved, not knowing they were appreciated...they leave never knowing how funny, well liked, or respected they were. Jojo's son wasn't one of them...he may have never had a chance to say goodbye, but he knew he was loved, and those in his life knew he loved them because he was enough like his mom to let them know. If only we could all get out of our own way and let down our guard enough to be like that...

Jojo, I love you...but you already knew that.