fish, pigs, cows, & chickens

As I sit here typing, I have 7 fish stuck to my forehead, 3 pigs on a boob, 4 cows on my arm, and 10, yes 10 chickens, on the back of my neck. They are stickers, photo stickers and the Pea got such a kick out of sticking them to my various parts I couldn't bear to take them off...I will of course, soon, I just wanted to write about it first. See, I had one of those really good mommy days, and those stickers were just the icing on the cake. I have had those stickers in my possession for 17 years...yes, I said 17 years. See back then mom worked for the company that made those stickers and as she had thousands of samples in her possession when she left the company, she gave them to me. I was a little wacky at the time (ok still am, whatEVER) and an aspiring artist and she figured I could use 'em. Well I squirrelled them away to be used only on special occasions and for "when I had a kid" and whataya know, here I am 17 years later with 'em stuck all over my body.

The day started pretty good, as upon waking the Pea informed me I was once again "her very best fwend" and since that was waaay better than the f*cking piece of shit she had me pegged for last night, I figured we were in for a great day. Hit a little bump in the road when DH informed me that he would be returning to the club as an INDIVIDUAL member, and wow wasn't that just great! Yeah, really f*cking great that you can play golf 4 days a week now while I work my ass off and drive 4 hours a day and put groceries on a credit card I will never be able to pay off...bully for you, f*ck off...ANYHOO, yeah that's my new favorite saying: bully for you, f*ck off...just read a British book can you tell? Oh yeah and (referring to wicked pretty girls who are smarter and have more money than you) Miss Bitchcuntwhorefromhell, but that one didn't apply...

Ok, back to my good mommy day...we had a tea party, played outside, went to town with my paints and a new canvas, took a walk around the pond and chased the ducks, ate a nice dinner together (even clinked our glasses and said cheers!) and then had fun with stickers...oh and took lots of silly pictures with my phone. I even got to watch the premier of The Office which I had dvr'd (is that a word?) while she took a nap. So I don't spend my Saturdays at the club anymore, so what? I still miss it, and would love to be out there, but I am pretty sure having fish on your forehead and pigs on your boob would violate the dress code...and we couldn't have that.

making the most of it

I am home, after a long, busy, rainy, crazy day...for the most part it was good, but I miss the Pea. I guess the reality hit me today...this is how EVERYDAY will be...wow. So I am home, without my little one, and I know I should paint, or catch up on emails, or phone calls, but all I want to do is snuggle up on the couch with a glass of wine and a man. Fortunately, I have the wine.

Did a lot of thinking today...it was one of those days I guess. I am reading a new book and one of lines in it (referring to breakups) went something like "men mope, women cope" I thought that was interesting. I can only hope that I am coping. Some days I feel so sure of myself, so confident and happy. Other times I feel like I did all those times I started a new school, in a new town or state...completely lost, alone and baffled. I remember coming to North Carolina in the 5th grade from the west coast...talk about culture shock...and then again, starting 6th grade in New York...I had no idea what was up. That's how I feel sometimes now...like a stranger in my own life, I think that's why it was so important to stay here when DH and I split up even though financially it would have been better to move to the town I work in...I am starting to wonder if that was a good decision, if maybe I would be better off up there. Alone here, alone there, what difference does it make, at least up there I wouldn't have the drive.

Oh well, no point second guessing now...I am here now, I have to make the most of it. I am going to make myself a nice dinner, pour a glass of wine and curl up on the couch with the remote, which, since there is no man here, I have complete control of...hmmmm, not so bad.

evolution of dance

Buddy of mine turned me on to this...if you need a break and a laugh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

I thought it was a great!

If the link doesn't work...Evolution of Dance, on YouTube...enjoy!

ok

I managed to get through the day without throwing up...I am very happy about that. It ended up being a decent day. I worked out, got to take a shower without the Pea opening the shower curtain every two minutes to check on me, and when I picked her up she was happy to see me. They said she had a good day and was adjusting well...maybe we will be ok after all.

sad

The Pea started school today...daycare. I never wanted her to be in a daycare center...I tried to be happy and excited and we bought a special outfit and took pictures...DH and I went together to try and make it nice and special. She went into the classroom, gave me a hug and a kiss and I lost the show. It has been over an hour now and I am still crying. My baby girl is no longer a baby, I am no longer the center of her universe, and the life I wanted her to have is no longer an option...it is awful.

The day is rainy and dreary, mirrors my mood exactly...I don't know what to do with myself. I want to go pick her up now and run away and never have to take her back there again. I know it's silly and we will adjust, and ultimately all will be well, but right now, in this moment, I want to throw up...my stomach is in knots, I am sad and lonely, and I hate myself and this life I have.

super powers

Pea and I did the Sunday morning doughnut run this morning because she will be with her dad tomorrow morning, and well, I wanted a doughnut. Apparently before I left the house I activated my invisible super powers and no one could see me or my car. As I was pulling into the coffee shop (off a major road with cars behind me) a jogger decided that instead of stopping at the curb and waiting he would just run right in front of me without a thought...not only could I have killed him if I hadn't slammed on brakes sending the Pea and I both hurtling forward, but it could have caused a 3 car pileup had the car behind me not done the same. He didn't hurry to get out of the way, wave a "oops, my bad" or even glance over...meanwhile brakes are screeching, cars are swerving, hearts are racing.

Ok, so I manage to finally get in the parking lot and as I am pulling around to the drive thru a car backs out in front of me - again forcing me to slam on brakes, and again no oopsie wave, no hurryin' to get out of my way, nothin', she just backs out, takes her time turning the car out of the spot and goes on in front of me like nothin'. After gettin' the goods we head to my new favorite store Target and not only am I invisible to other people, but now inanimate objects don't recognize I am there either...the Pea and I head in the automatic door and IT SHUTS ON US...yeah, it opened, we started through and BAM, now those suckers are heavy and once they start closing it's not like a regular door you can just push back open..WTF? now it's just getting ridiculous.

So I am in line to check out, I have my stuff on the counter, the girl ringing me up is not aware of my super power because she does see me, is doing a great job, we are chatting and next thing I know a big red shopping cart barrels into me and nearly KNOCKS ME OVER and a lady walks around to the front of it, pushing me aside with her big fat ass and starts just throwin' stuff on the conveyor belt, right on top of my stuff!!! No "OMG, I'm sorry, excuse me, I'm in a hurry, get out of my way skinny bitch" NOTHIN'...it is as if she DOESN'T EVEN SEE ME...very strange.

Now of all the super powers I would like to have, being invisible is not in the top 3...not to say it wouldn't be fun, think fly on the wall at a party, etc, but I would much rather be able to fly, have super human strength or be able to read people's minds...of course that one could be scary.

undoing i do

I didn't finish the book. At 2 a.m. I made myself put it down and turn off the light. I then tossed and turned for awhile thinking about how divorce is one of those human experiences that is so unique and awful and experienced completely different by everyone and yet exactly the same every time. It's like losing a loved one, or childbirth...every time is different, indescribable and utterly your own, but the litany of emotions are always the same. They are all experiences one must actually go through before really understanding.

I remember after having the Pea, looking at Smash in a whole new light. I thought I could understand how she felt when she had JJ and Boo, I was there, I love them too, surely I got it? No way...divorce is like childbirth that way. You can read about it, talk about it, go through it with a loved one, and the same things will happen, it will have the same outcome, and yet until you live it, you are completely unaware of what it really does to you, of how it changes you and makes you a different person.

The woman in the book is so not like me, and yet we are the same...her marriage and divorce are different from mine on so many levels and yet the feelings, the emotions, the ups, downs, uncertainties, desperation...it's all there. I dog eared a few pages as I read because there were statements in there so on the mark it was scary...I am not gonna quote them all, but in reading back through this morning these struck a cord, again.

More than half my bed is covered with open books - occupying roughly the same amount of space Tobin would have. I skim and switch between them, settle into one all night long whenever I forget that beds are for resting, for sleeping, for making love. Reading is my substitute for sleep and my consolation prize for being alone.

The first time the children are picked up for visitation brings unexpected questions. What is the proper protocol?...Are the children uncomfortable and do they worry we will fight? Do I run to the window and scratch the glass like a demented, abandoned pet as they walk down the sidewalk? Beg them to have a good time, but not too good. (Oh, I hate myself.) Pray that they come back, that they'll want to come back, that they'll sleep well, that they won't get hurt, oh God.

I am planning on extending the book so I can keep reading. I want to finish it, see how she turns out...I suspect I know, but I want to find out for sure.

nothin great

Don't have any idea what to write about...things haven't changed, nothing great has happened, and I don't have any good stories. I had a really busy day yesterday, just runnin' around, getting things done. I have another fairly busy day again today. It is always better for me when I am busy because then I don't get a chance to think.

I started a book last night Undoing I do by Anastasia Royal. It's a novel, supposed to be very good. It is a little strange, the chapters are short, some very, only a sentence or two...and it jumps back and forth between the present, her marriage coming apart, and the past, when they first met. It is only a 7day from the library and I checked it out last Wednesday so I have to finish it tonight...we shall see.

Well I am off to pick up the Pea, she spent last night with her dad, and try to keep myself busy...more later.

wanna see my rocket?

Another day...nothing good, nothing bad. Did the Sunday doughnut run, planted the flowers, got the front yard lookin' pretty good, managed to avoid confrontation with DH...tried like hell to NOT think about anything other than having fun with the Pea. Life is gonna get tough in two weeks and we won't get to spend as much time together so in the meantime I am determined to spend as much quality time as I can with her and not let her see me upset. I will fall apart, worry, fret and cry when she is in bed asleep or with her dad.

So since I don't have any funny stories of my own I thought I would give you one of Smash's.

Early a.m. Smash still a little groggy, 4 year old Boo comes into the bedroom,

Boo: "Hey mommy."
Smash: "Hey buddy, g'mornin'."
Boo: "Wanna see my rocket?"
Smash: "Sure buddy."
Boo, pulling down his pants and thrusting his morning wood forward: "SEE!"
Smash: "Oh dear...honey, put that away, I don't want to see that, and please don't go around showing other people either."
Boo: "But mommy, you said you wanted to see!"
Smash: "Well, honey, that was before I knew you meant THAT rocket."

hee hee

me likey the boys

Well today was one of those days I (hate to say it!) wish I had a man around. Had to go buy a lawn mower, and now have to mow my own lawn. Ok, the mowing not that big a deal, just have to get used to doing it myself again...getting the lawn mower, getting it home, and then getting it out of the car, ugh. Yeah so there I was at home, after having help at the store, standing with hands on hips staring into the back of my car going "how the hell am I gonna manage this one?" Big strong neighbor guy is at work, Booya is back in the country but lives 2 hours away, my other boys are off the radar, and sure as HELL not gonna call DH, hmmmmm.

Ok, so I NOT so gracefully and with very little bloodshed, manage to muscle the thing out of the car and onto the garage floor, but now I don't have the energy to put it together and start mowing...which brings me to now...sitting in my office, typing instead of out in my yard. Oh well.

I would like to be one of those women who can do anything, take care of everything, and never give a thought to having a man around, but truth is I like having a man around. Not just for the heavy lifting and spider killing either...I like sex, I like to watch sports, I like just hanging out and being lazy...none of that is as much fun by yourself.

remembering 9/11/01

Seven years ago this morning life as I knew it changed...I remember it like it was yesterday, I had just gotten out of the shower, I was putting on my uniform ready to go out on a 3 day trip. I turned on the TV, which I hardly ever did at the time, to watch the Today show and watched as they announced a jet had just flown into one of the towers. I stood there unable to breathe, watching...then they showed that second plane and I knew it was no accident...the plane had been banked too perfectly, with no hesitation...I stood in my bedroom in my bra and uniform skirt, my hair dripping wet, stunned. Then the towers started to collapse and I started screaming. I was sobbing and screaming at the TV, and my mind was racing...WTF had just happened and why?

As the day wore on it became clear what had happened and that my whole world had changed. I had lost my job, the only job I had ever really loved and excelled at. I had lost my faith in the idea that good always triumphs over evil. And I had lost that sense of security that we, as Americans, had been able to take for granted. My whole world turned upside down and I hadn't lost a loved one. I can't imagine what life would have been like the last seven years had I lost a parent, sibling, spouse, lover, friend, child...

My world is once again upside down, things are crazy and hectic and I am unsure of the future, but I know I am grateful for everyday, no matter how bad it seems at the time. I know I am lucky to be living in the greatest country in the world, lucky to be healthy and have a healthy child, lucky to have the job I have, and lucky to be surrounded by people I love, who love me back, everyday.

best fwend

The Pea's new favorite thing to say is:

"Mommy, me yuv you, you my best fwend."

O.M.G.

Just thought I would make a note of it. In 10 yrs, when I am not the center of her universe I will need a reminder that at one point I was.

hurricane shmurricane

Hanna is on her way and the Pea and I are having a hurricane party. Don't think she is even a hurricane any more but tropical storm party just doesn't sound as cool. We went out this morning for supplies. First we went to the library to load up on books, 2 trashy novels for me, 5 picture books for her...if we can't watch TV we will need reading materials. Next we hit Target for all the important stuff, here's what we got:

2 flashlights, so we can read the above mentioned books if the lights go out.

1 box wine, red of course because if we lose power we wouldn't be able to keep the white cold...that's just for me, the Pea got juice boxes.

2 packages of Newman-Os, gotta have cookies and we can pretend those are healthy.

1 box cheddar bunnies, if we need salty to follow the sweet.

2 scented candles, crisp linen, cuz if you have to light candles they should at least smell nice.

1 can bug spray, driving rain tends to make the bugs think they should head inside, and our party is invite only, no bugs allowed...any little crashers will be killed on site.

I think we're all set, I'm very excited...of course since we have no ACTUAL supplies like bottled water, batteries, cash, canned foods or ice we are screwed if it gets bad...ooopsie.

finally

I finally fell apart, had my breakdown, lost the show...yup, apparently I had enough done on my to do list I allowed myself the luxury. I had an appointment with MiMi, I walked in, sat down, she said "How ya doin'?" and I started crying, and then sobbing and then outta control for like 15minutes ugly cry...I haven't cried like that - EVER. I am so thankful I had her and had that session yesterday, because I don't think I would have allowed myself to do it otherwise, and boy did I need it.

The Pea is getting better too...yesterday she actually wanted to come home, to here, to the "new house" and when we got here she was happy...didn't hurt we had ducks in the yard and she got to feed them, that child loves the ducks. We are settling in here, and starting our own, new, routines, and it feels really good.

So today, golf - yey! I am looking forward to playing, matter of fact I should be getting ready not typing, but oh well. So yesterday when I went to the driving range a friends bfriend was there - who just happens to be a golf pro -and I ended up getting what amounted to a free lesson. I was hitting the ball GREAT, now whether or not I can continue that today remains to be seen, but man it felt good to smash the ball again.

Well since I really do have to start getting ready I'm signing off...

another day

Yey! The Pea had a great night last night, went right to bed when I put her down, no fussing and slept through until this morning...I am so relieved. She's adjusting. I didn't sleep great, up and down all night, crazy dreams. I thought after working out hard yesterday and then on top of that taking the Pea for a walk around the lake last night I would be sufficiently tired, but not so much...oh well, busy day today so maybe tonight will be better.

Have a session with MiMi today, I'm sure I need it. With all that has been going on, this move, the Pea, I definitely need to talk some stuff out. After that, I am going to the driving range, it has been so long since I have touched a golf club there is no telling how awful it will be and I am playing golf tomorrow so I don't want to embarrass myself. Looking forward to the round tomorrow, even if I play terrible, just being able to get out of town and have a nice day with some g-friends will be a nice break. Planned this trip back in June, when I was still married, still a member of the club, and the girls I am playing with still don't know that has changed. They aren't really g-friends, not people I would tell and because they are members of other clubs, there would be no way they could have just heard. It should be interesting when we do the how ya doin', how's life, catch up in the first few holes.

So speakin' of the how ya doin' catch up, heard from the long lost best friend, Bunny...the one who used to know me better than anyone, who I haven't spoken to in at least a year. She emailed with a new phone number, we went back and forth a little bit with the basics, and I am supposed to call her this week. It's funny, I feel like I have lost touch with a bunch of folks, lost a few what I thought were really good friends, and when I need it the most an old friend reappears. I was looking through old photos when I was packing up, and ran across a bunch of her and me, and I thought at the time, I have got to call her, see how she is, next thing I know...

Well the Pea has finished her breakfast and is requesting snuggle time, yet another good sign, so I better go...

wrong shui

A few years ago when Feng Shui was all the rage...all the cool kids were doin' it, I bought a book and tried to get my house all "in order" so as to promote health, wealth, etc. blah blah blah...well Smash thought it was kinda silly and bought me The Little Book of Wrong Shui as a joke. Well the book is pretty damn funny, and I ran across it the other day unpacking and thought I would flip through it tonight...on account I just moved into a new house and all and might need some pointers on getting it in shape...here are a few gems:

Nice To See You: Attract visitors to your home by placing stereo, video, and computer equipment where they can be seen from the road.

Sweet and Sour: Storing sugar in the salt cellar and salt in the sugar bowl will help to discourage complacency in many ways.

Scaring Off Evil Spirits: In ancient times wind chimes were used to scare off evil spirits. In modern times car alarms serve much the same purpose. Rig your car alarm to go off at regular intervals throughout the night, then you will be able to sleep peacefully, knowing you are safe.

Dish It Out: If your neighbor has a satellite dish pointing in your direction, this focuses harmful "secret arrows" on your home. Wait till night, then take the dish down.

On Reflection: A mirror on the bedroom ceiling reflects badly on you. Likewise satin sheets, remote control lights, and a baby oil dispenser on the headboard.

Eggsistentialism: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Use an egg carton like everyone else and stop being such a poser.

And last, I thought I would end with this one, since I am on a journey of sorts of my own...

The Journey To Enlightenment: In Wrong Shui life is seen as a cosmic journey, a struggle to overcome unseen and unexpected obstacles at the end of which the traveler will find illumination and enlightenment. Replicate this quest in your home by moving all light switches away from doors and over to the far side of each room.

hee hee

best advice

Well it looks like it is going to be a good day...the weather is nice, the Pea is feeling better, and now that I have had a coffee I am feeling great. The Pea and I decided since today was a holiday, doughnuts were in order and we headed out early. We have a new place now, since I live in a different part of town, and it will mean a new routine, but the Pea got what she always gets, so she is happy.

Tonight will be my first night here alone, the Pea is going to stay with DH. I am a little nervous I won't know what to do with myself and will go a little crazy, but hopefully it will mean a good nights sleep and getting a chance to sleep in and relax in the morning. My plan for the day is to stay as busy as possible, then go have dinner with the girls so we can catch up and have some big girl time, and then when I get home I will be so tired I will go right to sleep and won't even think about the fact that I am alone...

So because I wanted some light reading last night before I went to sleep, I went back and started re-reading The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love, let me just say, even the second or third time around, it is still funny as hell. Well I had dog eared a few of my favorite pages last time I read it, and it was interesting to read those pages again...one of them was in the section: The Best Advice Ever Given.

"Be particular. That is, without a doubt, the Best Advice Ever Given in the History of the Entire World. Consider, if you will, the profound effect that following advice would have on, say, your diet, your love life, your financial situation, your decision on whether to have that next drink. I mean, what do those two words not cover?"

I got to thinking, how many messes have I gotten myself into NOT being particular...how many times have I settled, or just made the easy decision and as a result not ended up happy? On the other hand, how many times have I BEEN particular, demanded what I wanted, even if it was harder, and ended up in a better place? Now I don't know if it is, in fact, the best advice ever, but it is pretty damn good, and I for one probably need to start being a little more particular, especially when it comes to how and with whom I spend my time, and whether or not I need to have that next drink...

Jill Conner Browne went on to tell the story about how one of the Queens, Tammy, was NOT particular and as a result ended up in bed with THE REDHEADED MAN WHO WOULD NOT MOVE - twice!...and I will let you read the story if you want - LOL! but I tell ya, the thought of ending up like poor Tammy, with the redhead, or any other man like him, is enough to make me damn sure, from here on out, I will be particular!