poopy face

I came home tonight full of energy and ready to get some stuff done.  I made dinner and was all set to do laundry and clean after we ate...and now I am sitting here feeling like a shitty ass parent, drinking a glass of wine, and typing like these little keys need a beating.

The Pea had her Easter party and egg hunt today at school.

Now she hates spaghetti (which just two days ago she LOVED), hates me, hates the dog, and hates time outs.  My guess is, the party involved eating massive amounts of junk food which not only filled her up and made her not want real food, but led to a crash of epic proportion. 

After refusing to eat or sit down she got a warning.  After ignoring the warning she got sent upstairs.  After refusing to go upstairs she got dragged carried.  After she threw a fit from the top of the stairs all the Easter candy got thrown in the trash (except the two Milky Ways, I am so eating them) and now, I am exhausted.

Ironically, today I attended a conference where one of the workshops was conflict resolution and dealing with difficult people.  There was not a single exercise that involved getting punched by tiny fists or told you are a "mean poopy face."

enjoy

Some shit that doesn't suck...cuz it's Thursday!  Enjoy

This was me...

...then I met TheGuy...

...and I love him, but yeah, sooo true.

tee hee

yes

peace

I just cancelled my upcoming trip to Disney World for the Flower and Garden Festival.  I'm a little sad, but also relieved.  I was really starting to dread the early flights and the long days, jam packed with people and activities, even mentioned to TheGuy earlier today that I was surprised I wasn't more excited.  Then tonight, the Pea announced that she didn't want to go.  I made sure she meant it by asking a few times and explaining once it was done it was done, but when she told me to just go on without her and she would stay with the neighbors, I knew she was really serious and there was no point in wasting free flights going somewhere we don't both REALLY want to go.  I'm surprised I'm not more bummed out but I want to be excited about going to Disney World, or on any vacation for that matter, so instead we will focus on November and get jazzed about going then.

It is interesting how, since finding happiness in other places (namely my relationship, but also at work), I am no longer as focused on all things Disney.  It was as if before it was a lifeline, and I was holding on for dear life, because it was one of only a few things that brought me joy.  Now, it seems, I don't need to daydream, plan, pine, and obsess about my "happy place."  My happy place is here now, and Disney is just a bonus.  Don't get me wrong, I am still planning...November 2012 and 2013...and in love with all things Mouse, but it is nice to find joy in other places too.

It feels good to be in a place where what I have and where I am is enough.  For, quite possibly, the first time ever, I am not seeking some intangible something.  I am not thinking "Is this all there is?"  I am at peace.  I like it.

cranky

I HATE daylight savings time...hate it.  I'll say that again, just in case you were unsure of how I REALLY feel, I HATE daylight savings.  I want to stay on standard time, I don't want it to stay light until 9pm, there is no need.  My kid is wide damn awake, and pissed, and I know the morning is going to be hell.  In addition to the time change, TheGuy is headed out of town, and I am fast approaching "that time of the month" so to say I am cranky would be a gross understatement...I am ready to throttle anyone who looks at me sideways...or frontways, or any damn way at all.  I hope happy thoughts of this past weekend can carry me through and keep me out of jail.

It started out pretty well...I agreed to FINALLY go out on a date with TheGuy.  I actually got pretty excited about it and was looking forward to dressing up and being taken out.  I even let him make the plans and didn't ask about them.  After he ripped his shirt, spilled gas on his shoes filling up his truck, and I had to reapply my makeup because the cold sweat of the near panic attack had it dripping all off, we managed to have a pretty good time.  He took me to a really nice Italian joint, made a reservation for a little corner table; we ate, talked, and laughed until we felt adequate time had lapsed, and then went home and got nekkid, which is what we really wanted to do in the first place.  We agreed to no more dates.

Saturday morning we got up early, and headed to the range (shooting not driving).  TheGuy has been wanting to teach me to shoot well and get comfortable with weapons since we started our little adventure because it is something that HE really enjoys and wanted us to be able to do it together.  My dad taught me to shoot a little rifle when I was a kid and said I was a really good shot.  I pestered the hell out of him to take me hunting, and because he figured me for a natural, he did.  We went squirrel hunting, and right off the bat I got one.  Unfortunately, after killing the squirrel, I realized he was actually dead, like DEAD dead and bleeding, and I passed out.  My dad said that he stood there in the woods, looking down at his daughter and the squirrel, neither of us moving, and realized I was NOT the natural he had hoped I was.  TheGuy knew this story, as well as some of my other gun stories ("you can't see the target through tears, STOP CRYING!") so his only goal was to get me comfortable and not have a fight or me in tears.  Well, turns out, with a relaxed teacher, and paper targets instead of live animals, I AM a natural, and had a blast.  It helped that I was trying to impress TheGuy and WANTED to enjoy it for his sake.  Every time I emptied a clip into the target, exactly where I wanted to, he would shake his head and mumble something about never pissing me off, but I knew he was proud of me, which made me want to do better.

It is amazing how many things that I am getting better at, learning to do, or enjoying more, just because I am doing them with him.  I have yet to do anything with him that I have NEVER done before, but many of them have been either boring, just ok, or a near disaster, with others.  With him I always have fun, and I am always laughing, and things are easy. We actually got a little lost on our way out Friday night; we went to a restaurant neither had ever been, and the mapquest directions (big surprise) were wrong.  I can't tell you how many times that has happened with other men and the result was yelling, tears, or silence, for the rest of the night.  He just rolled with it, figured it out, turned around, and next thing I knew we were there and I was cracking up over something I don't even remember.  I am very lucky, and very grateful, to have found someone that GETS me, that adores me, AND that wants to have sex with me...usually it is just one out the three.

And let's hope that all that happiness and gratitude gets me through this week and adjusted to this damn time change...it's probably good all those guns are locked up tight, at his house, up high where I can't reach.

happy monday

As both a Disney and a Real Housewives addict, I HAD to share...too funny.

go with it

An interesting week for me, filled with some ups, some downs, and a lot of learning.  TheGuy and I are getting to know each other and even though we have been friends for a few years now, there are always things that unless you are in a romantic relationship with someone, you just don't know.  There are the good but expected: he is awesome with kids and always there when he says he will be; the good and unexpected: he is great in bed (just never thought of him "that way" so didn't know what to expect); the neutral but interesting: he doesn't drink coffee.  As we spend more time together we are also becoming aware of each others little quirks.  Those little things that you do, that you sometimes don't even realize, until you start analyzing how you appear to someone else, or they get pointed out...like the way you drive or order food in a restaurant, or the music that you sing along to.

I thought I knew him pretty well when we started on this crazy adventure, but the more I learn, the more I realize I didn't know much, and the more I learn, the more I like.  The problem with it all is that it scares the hell out of me.  The whole idea of dating and being romantic with someone was scary at first, but we got through that by "not dating" and the romantic part just kind of took care of itself.  Then we had a few weeks of blissful falling in love, being happy, totally being ourselves around each other and thinking "where the hell have you been my whole damn life?"  NOW, now, it is getting terrifying again, because now I'm all in.  Now it's real and for some strange reason I am getting insecure and doing that thing where I question every thing I say and do.  I was totally myself with him from the beginning because he already knew I was a crazy dork and there was no point not acting like myself.  I had the attitude "what the hell, it's not like I have anything to lose..." I was blunt, brutally honest, told him exactly what I feeling pretty much as I was feeling it, and never gave it a second thought...until now.  Now I have something to lose (the best relationship I have ever had) and holy hell, pretty soon he is gonna see something in me that he doesn't like much.

My head tells me he won't take off, he is a better man than that, but the eight year old little girl inside me says "if your own father can leave you and never look back, so can he..."  I'm back to fighting demons I thought I had laid to rest and I don't like it much.  I want to be able to be happy and not question it or hold back because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to trust, both myself and someone else, and have faith that it will all work out.  I want to go back to saying exactly what I am feeling in the moment and not immediately regret it because I think "oh shit, what if that wasn't what he wanted to hear?" 

I want to stop worrying that I have to be perfect to be loved.

Is it just us silly girls who do this in the beginning of a good relationship or do men do it to and just not talk about it?  Why can't I just leave well enough alone and go with it?