settled, or not

Well...I'm in...I'm in the new house, and while I still have a TON to do and more stuff to move, the house is livable. The Pea is still struggling to adjust...she has been sick since Friday with a fever and sore throat so that hasn't helped, and she doesn't LOVE her new room like she did her other one. Tonight when DH called to say goodnight he asked her if she liked her new house and she replied "NO!" I'm sure DH was pleased but for me it was a kick in the gut.

I am exhausted...I slept great last night, but I am still tired, and sore...really sore from all the lifting, not just of boxes and furniture but of the Pea...all day yesterday she wanted to be held. I know she will adjust and things will settle down, but having her upset the past few days has been really tough. I know I haven't had a ton of patience, and with trying to get as much done as possible I haven't paid her as much attention as she has wanted. I feel guilty now, now that she is asleep and I am relaxed, but when I am in the middle of it, I just get so frustrated. She spilled milk all over the living room today because I don't have any sippy cups here and forgot to buy some this morning, I got so pissed at her, and then she got upset and ran into her room crying...man I hate when I do that. Now of course, I can see that I wasn't pissed about the milk at all, I can see that I was pissed about the fact that DH didn't offer to take her while I was trying to get packed and moved, and as a result I wasn't able to be as organized as I wanted and because of that, I forgot a bunch of shit...but in that moment, I was just pissed.

I think part of why DH hasn't offered to take her any to help me out has been because he is trying to make me see how hard it's going to be...make me realize I can't do it on my own...of course that's an assumption on my part, I could be wrong. He said to me yesterday that I didn't seem upset "enough," this didn't seem to bother me the way it did him...OMG, I wanted to slap him. I have been racing around like a chicken with my head cut off, carrying a sick, cranky baby on my hip while trying to pack up 13yrs worth of stuff, and trying my best NOT to fall apart, and he criticized me for not falling apart. I told him I didn't have the luxury...it'll come I'm sure, I just have to wait for a time when I don't have 46 other things on my to do list.

...had to stop writing there for awhile, Pea woke up, came looking for me. She hardly ever does that. Usually when she goes down, she is down until morning...yet another little reminder that she is not as settled or happy as I had hoped...damnit. I guess getting her that way is #1 on that to do list.

match.WTF

Had an interesting night last night...DH came over. He was in a great mood, which was a nice departure from the past few weeks, and we ended up drinking a bottle of wine and talking. Now every fiber of my being was screaming at me "BAD IDEA!!! PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN AND WALK AWAY!" because usually him+me+booze=bad fight, but by the grace of God last night was an exception. There were a few tense moments, but overall not bad. We worked out a schedule for the Pea, we talked about finances, even talked about dating and how to handle it and how we should be with each other and the Pea when someone else comes into the picture (yes it was weird, very weird).

Anyway, in talking about the whole dating thing I mentioned I went to Match.com, and I hate to admit that I even went there to myself, but I got an email, there was a link, next thing I knew I had 3 "perfect matches!" Well I have since canceled my "membership" which is a misnomer, because to actually have a membership and create a profile you have to pay, which I didn't, but to sign in initially you set up a screen name, give 'em your birth date (!), start checkin' boxes and build your perfect man. Of course the idea is that they serve up a bunch of irresistible men, you get all excited and want to contact these men and in order to do so - bam! back to the membership page...no no, first you must have a membership, give us your credit card, blah blah blah.

Ok, so I check all the boxes, put in all my parameters, the things I think I want in a man...I won't go into all of them, but bottom line there are 3 men in the state who supposedly fit. THREE! that's it...anyway, none of them get me excited enough to follow up and buy a membership so I log off, thinking I have seen the last of Match.com. OH NO...the NEXT DAY I get an email..."we have 6 perfect matches for you - and here they are!"

Here is where I will list a few of my parameters cuz now it becomes important to the story...age: 30-50, height: 5'10" - 6'3", wants/has children: yes, other: spiritual but NOT religious. Ok, keep in mind the ONLY info they have on me is, female, age 34. The six guys they send:
1) short guy, in his profile he's 5'7" which means he is prob 5'5"
2) young guy, 27 years old
3) younger guy, 25 years old
4) religious guy, VERY religious christian seeking same
5) hates kids guy, has none, wants none
6) perfect guy, seeking woman (girl) 22-27
WTF, on what planet do any of these guys fit? Are they serious? The next day I got another email, much the same, 6 more guys, and this time ALL of them want a woman in her twenties...hello, not only am I not going to get excited about that and go running to the website to buy a membership but now I'm pissed...is every guy out there looking for a girl in her twenties!? UGH...so long story longer, at the bottom of the email there is in teeny tiny letters a link if you wish to unsubscribe to these emails. I click on the link and for F*CKS SAKE, you would think I was trying to sell my kid. I had to go through all kinds of steps and 4 times, 4!!!! they asked if I was sure I wanted to unsubscribe...yes I'm sure assholes and STOP asking.

Alright, so here is where I say (so they don't sue me or something), that for some folks the website is fantastic...I know a few couples who met online and are happy as can be...blah, blah, blah...I for one however, will not be going back anytime soon.

movin' on

Going through some of my stuff last night, deciding whether to pack it all or throw it away, I ran across a letter I sent to DH on one of my trips to the Middle East. This particular trip was one of the better ones, about 2 weeks long, and with very little to do during the day, I spent my time working out, laying out, eating, and drinking. It was fabulous...a spa vacation half way around the world while getting paid. I miss that life, I miss the travel, the excitement...

The job I had then is gone, I couldn't go back if I wanted to, and since the me that had that job and life is no longer and I am now a single mommy, it wouldn't be the same. The crazy long days, and even longer nights, wouldn't be nearly as much fun knowing I had a little lady at home missing me. The weeks away from home wouldn't be great, they would be miserable...but reading that letter still made me a ache a little for that life.

I guess any time you are at a point in your life where things aren't great, and you fear the future, looking back on the good times in the past has a certain appeal. For the most part I wouldn't want to go back to any part of my past...it is all just that, the past, and while some of it was great, it's done. I'm moving on...literally, the movers will be here Saturday morning. The boxes are getting filled slowly but surely...I am finding as I pack, so much of the "stuff" I thought I needed and was important I don't really care to have, I'm finding with few exceptions, the reminders of my past are nice, but not necessary, I'm keeping the photos, and the special gifts, but not the rest.

I think, in order to really move on and become who I need to be, I have to let go of the past, let go of who I was, and of what I had...so that letter, I need to go read it one more time, smile and remember that trip, and then throw it away so I have room for new ones...

freakin' out

Well, I'm kinda freakin' out...I am supposed to be packing and all I can manage is walking around the house, planning my move. I have yet to do anything constructive other than gather boxes, and plan. The actual splitting of stuff into his and hers, and trying to decide what of the Pea's will stay and what will go is overwhelming. Part of me wants to just leave and start fresh with all new stuff...highly impractical, and considering I have not won the lotto lately virtually impossible, but a thought nonetheless.

I'm tired, physically tired, I want to go take a nap right now, but I figured I would feel less guilty about writing than I would sleeping. I went to bed last night at 9:30 thinking I just needed to catch up on sleep since I haven't been getting any lately and even though I ended up getting a good solid 9 hours, I still feel tired. I hate feeling that way, I want to be full of energy and motivated and excited...kinda hard to be excited about dissolving a 10 year marriage.

Gigi is out of town this weekend, Smash and J are home now...I'm on my own, and while on one hand that's good, because it will force me to work, on the other it's a little unnerving. Even if they couldn't come help or do anything with me, just knowing they were in town and available would be a comfort.

Tomorrow I have to meet DH at the other house, check it out, see if anything needs to be done before I move in. I suspect once I do that, reality will really set in...I hope once I leave there, I will be motivated and energized and I will be able to get busy. I guess I just need to take a couple deep breaths, stop freakin' out, cut myself some slack...it took 13 years to get to this place, it will take more than one weekend to get someplace else.

the Pea and me

Today has been very up and down...on one hand, one of the best days I have had in a long time. I spent the day with the people I love, doing things I love. The Pea and I went to the beach with Smash and J this morning, then the Pea and J stayed there while Smash and I went to lunch and had pedicures. After that we all went back to the beach and then to a fantastic dinner...just doesn't get any better. On the other hand, I had to face the fact that I am moving, and getting divorced and holy shit, I AM TERRIFIED. The house the Pea and I are moving into wasn't going to be ready until the end of September, now it well be ready next week...I got the call today to be ready, and my car is full of boxes.

Jeeeezus...

I know it's right, but now that I am faced with the reality of moving, all on my own with a 2 year old, it's frightening. I thought I had a bunch of friends, now I am finding out, I have very few. Isn't it funny how moving or getting divorced will prove who your friends are, and here I am, doing both...where the hell is everyone?!

As I filled the car with boxes, and thought about the prospect of moving, I couldn't help but sob...I cried for the Pea, not getting the opportunity to grow up in this great house that I thought I would spend the rest of my life in...cried for myself, and all the things I won't get to do because I will be working and struggling and trying to make a new life for myself...cried for my marriage, and it's early demise...and I cried for DH, because I know he is hurting, and I can't be the one to make him better anymore. Not that it was ever my job to make him happy, but I thought it was, and he thought it was, and now he will have to face himself and make his own happiness.

Today was tough...I'm still not sure what to do with myself. I know I won't be able to sleep, thinking, worrying, wondering...and yet it was so good. I am so grateful I was able to spend time with Smash, so glad the Pea was so good and so happy, and so at peace, confident I will end up happy...even if it's just the Pea and me.

baby broyer anyone?

Yesterday the Pea asked for a baby brother. Well a "baby broyer" to be exact...a friend of mine who has a little one the same age as the Pea recently had another and we got the announcement in the mail. When I exclaimed "Oh look sweetie! It's T's baby brother!" She said she wanted one too. Perfect timing...nice.

Well I went on to explain to the Pea that brothers were not something you simply put in your order for, it was a little more complicated...

her: why?
me: it just isn't that simple honey...
her: why?
me: good question...
her: why?
me: honey please stop asking why
her: why?

It got me thinking about it though...having another. After the Pea was born I wanted another one right away...literally the moment she was born, after I said "OMG she is sooo tiny!" I said "Let's have another one." Well of course everyone in the room laughed, but I wasn't kidding, I meant it. I figured why not, body is all f*cked up, I'm in prego mode, lets get this show on the road now, why wait the requisite 2 yrs? Well, after a few months of no sleep and DH pretty much refusing to consider it, the maternity insurance was canceled and that was that. Hindsight being what it is, obviously a good move...but now?

Do I open myself up to the possibility again, do I even allow myself to think about it with someone else? I know I probably shouldn't even be thinking about it, since I have so much else on my plate right now, and have no idea what or who the future will bring me, but I can't help it...now that things have changed, maybe it IS a possibility...or maybe I need to stop thinking and buy the Pea a baby doll.

taco? no thanks

Well Smash and J arrived, safe and sound, Saturday afternoon, but they were a little worse for wear...food poisoning...yup, Friday night they decided a little Mexican feast would be fun...not so much. So not only food poisoning, MEXICAN food poisoning...OMG, can you imagine having to get up at the butt crack of dawn to fly for 4 hours SICK? They were both so worn out and feeling awful that when they arrived they went straight to bed...glad they were in a room with an attached bathroom. Of course, since I was a little hungover, it didn't bother me a bit and the Pea and I headed for bed as well...3 hours later we all emerged...well rested, but still not ready to party.

Now normally, a visit with Smash, or any of my family involves lots of food and even more booze and is very loud and hectic and fun. Must say, even though those visits sometimes involve fights and tears, I definitely like them better. Things are back to normal NOW, but wow...Saturday and Sunday were terribly quiet.

Today we went to the beach, it was so nice, being with them and the Pea and just relaxing. No stress, no worries...should have been a little more worried about reapplying my sunscreen, because as I sit here typing I'm feeling that itchy yucky feeling of burnt flesh...and of course the backs of my legs got the brunt so sitting is not exactly fun, but the Pea is still a lovely shade of white so I guess it's ok.

I'm trying not to do any thinking, or analyzing, or worrying about my future during this visit...it's hard of course, because I am worried and I do think about it, and I want to talk to my sister and get her input, but I also just want to enjoy the time we have. I may not see her for another few months and we can talk about all the awful stuff on the phone. We did have a chance to do some talking last night, we went out, just the two of us, but it got old quick, and it was much more fun to talk about other people and work. Oooooh, there was a kinda weird stalker guy at the bar who kept leering at us and listening to our conversation...we finally moved because he was creeping us out, and of course then we had something else to talk about...all the weird, kooky, stalker guys we have ever run across...anyway...

Well, like I said, trying to keep the thinking to a minimum, so not much to say...gonna sign off for now,maybe go grab some Mexican food...hmmm, on second thought, maybe not.

still a little drunk

It is quite possible I'm still a little bit drunk...one of my gfriends came over last night and we managed to polish off 3 bottles of a lovely Pinot Noir. I didn't get to bed until after 3am, and of course Pea woke up at 7, on the nose. Luckily she was perfectly content to hang out in her room playing so I could get another 30 minutes in bed, spinning...yikes...I suspect I'm gonna feel a little yucky in a few hours. Gotta say though, it will be worth it because we had one of the best times we have in a long time.

My evening started with my Pea and my dog greeting me at the door, both shaking, and wagging, and peeing a little...so excited to see me they could hardly stand it. I managed to get the groceries put away with the Pea hanging on my legs and the dog circling, and after some serious snuggle time and a few books, got the Pea to bed. My gfriend showed up right after that, and in record time we had already polished off a half a bag of potato chips with dip, and a half a bottle of wine.

The plan was to watch Oceans 13 (Seriously George, anytime you wanna bend me over and pull my hair...OMG) but we didn't do much watching because we were too busy talking and acting silly. I, for instance, acted out my snake story, including the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon spinning leap into the deck chair upon seeing the little rat bastard, and the slew of cuss words that followed. She told me one of her camping stories, which involved getting reprimanded by a hulk of a woman named Ranger Rosie...hers was waaay more scary.

Well, the Pea and I have to get ready to head to the airport - yey! so I'm gonna go try and get ready...and hope the shower doesn't start that damn spinning like the bed did.

dreamin'

Whoo hoo! TGIF, I am so looking forward to this weekend...Smash and J are coming to visit, they fly in tomorrow, and the Pea and I will be picking them up. I love going to the airport, I know it's silly, but I always feel like a little kid in a candy store. There is so much going on, people coming, people going...airplanes landing and taking off, it's always busy. I like to people watch, and I always wonder their story...are they going on vacation? to a wedding, funeral? are they a jaded business traveler or a first timer, excited and nervous?

I have been thinking about taking a trip myself, just me and the Pea...don't know to where or if we would be able to fly, but It would be nice to get out of town and have some fun before the big move and the new life which will be busy and exhausting. Might even just take a road trip, drive as far as we can, spend the night, drive back...sounds a little crazy, but sometimes just seeing some different scenery can make you appreciate yours more. I love road trips...I used to just get in my car and drive when I was a teenager...anywhere, didn't matter, sometimes I would just make a big loop around the county. I had a 1981 Datsun, rotted out floorboard, no muffler, a standard with a sticky clutch...Smash do you remember that piece of shit? It was heinous, but I bought it all by myself, learned how to drive it and damn I was proud. It had over 200,000 miles when I bought it and I think I put another 100,000 on it.

Anyhoo...there won't be any trips this week because of course we will be hangin' with Smash and J, and who knows, maybe there won't be a trip at all, but a girl can dream...

somethin' better

Finished Water for Elephants last night...after having a knock down drag out with DH...book was good, fight was bad...very bad. So tired of all the crap...now that HE has decided we should get back together and is willing to change (not has changed or is going to, but willing-yeah right) I'm the bad guy. He berated me for about 30 minutes AFTER saying that he has no hard feelings, understands he is partly to blame and wants to stop fighting...uhhh duh, then WTF are you doing??? When I asked him to leave it got ugly, and I thought "wow, you really think I want to do this the rest of my life...really?!"

So anyway, book was interesting...not at all what I thought it was about, and it took awhile to get good, but I'm glad I finally read it. Not glad I bought it though...would have been perfectly happy had it been a library book. I bought it because it got such rave reviews I figured I would want to read it again...hmmm doubtful.

Well...wish I had a funny story, or some great insight...nope. Pea is taking a nap, and since the house is actually clean, and I don't have another book to read, I just might go join her...nothin' better than a rainy day afternoon nap...well ok, there is somethin' better, but I don't think I'll be gettin' any of THAT any time soon...hmmmmm, maybe instead of the nap I'll go think about the somethin' better.

bummed

Just got off the phone with one of the golfer girls. She was very upset about her round of golf today. She went on for 20 minutes, telling me about all the bad shots, the miserable heat, etc. etc. and then said "ok, gotta go, talk to ya later." No "how are you, what are you doing," and if she had given me just one second to talk myself I probably would have said "well at least you got to play..." I don't think I realized how bummed about not playing I was until I got that call.

I have been working all year to get my handicap down to a respectable number, and while it isn't where I would like it to be, I would have been playing with the big girls in this particular tournament...which is what I have wanted to do since joining to club. I know it's just a game, and since I will never be good or make any money at it I should just suck it and get over myself, but I really miss it. I miss having something to do on Saturday mornings beside watch cartoons and hope the phone rings so I have some adult conversation. I miss the competition, I miss the exercise, I miss the drinks with the girls after. I think more than all that, I miss feeling like part of a community. The club was where I went to eat, drink, socialize, be active...it was where most of my friends were, and where I could always count on seeing a friendly face...

I guess I'm bummed about more than just golf.

new toy

I have a new toy! Nooo, not a rabbit...a laptop. Bought it this morning, a little Gateway, I'd like to say I did a bunch of research and picked the best one but in reality there were two I could afford and this one came in a box with cow spots, couldn't resist the box...it's always all about the box isn't it...hee hee.

Now that I am back on line I feel connected again...which is good considering I dropped my cell phone in the toilet last night...yup, AGAIN...you would think I would have stopped carrying the damn thing in my back pocket after doing it the last time...I am obviously not as smart as I hoped. So yeah, in it goes and of course I have to dry it off really quick and take out the battery and I'm all bummed cuz I have a bunch of pics of the Pea in there and last time I did it they couldn't retrieve the pics, and I'm expecting a couple calls and oh crap.

So anyway this morning I put it all back to together, power it up and...whoo hoo! It turns on, course I know it will be short lived so I text everybody in my contacts to let them know I may not have a phone over the weekend and as I press send I realize, its not even 8am...on a Saturday...shit, shit, shit...not everyone has a two yr old waking them at 7...ooopsie. Well within minutes I get two phone calls, one from my mom who is like "Honey are you ok? I saw you called, it's so early!" "I'm fine mom, I sent you a text...sorry." uck, then DH was like "Uhhh, geez, it's a little early, did you have to wake me up for that?" sorry.

Oh well...So other than the phone in the crapper fiasco, I had a great night last night. Went to a friend's for dinner, hung out for awhile, we drank a nice bottle of wine and just talked. Had to get home fairly early so the Pea could get to bed, and then started a new book. Water for Elephants... it comes highly recommended, but so far has not been a can't put down...hopefully it will get better.

Well don't have much else to say, really just wanted to play on the new computer. :)

mr right?

Smash and her man are at a little bit of an impasse, a bump in the road, and she called last night in tears and I couldn't help. I hate that I can't make it better for her, talk her off the ledge, give her advice. I however, am NOT the person to give relationship advice at this stage in my life. I did remember an article that helped me out in the last few weeks and thought I would share.

A few weeks ago when things were so up and down with DH and I was struggling with whether we should power through or walk away I signed online and in the streaming headlines was "10 Ways to Tell if He is the One"...oooh a sign, maybe it's a test, I'm good at tests...so I clicked on it. Usually those things leave me disappointed and wondering who writes that crap, but this one was different. It actually made a lot of sense, and it helped me to realize my relationship was not a good one.

Here it is lady, maybe it will help:

Here are 10 ways to tell if he is Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong:

1. You absolutely know he wants you as much as you want him. If it's right, your feelings of love are reciprocal and mutual and not one-sided.

2. He walks into a room, and you just have to smile. You can't help it! And when you look at him, he's smiling at you.

3. You do kind and sweet things for each other just because you want to and not because you feel you have to. Doing them makes you both feel good -- and special.

4. You are very secure in the relationship. There is no need for jealousy or suspicion. This is a drama-free zone. No one plays games or secretly tests the other.

5. He likes you for who you are and doesn't want to change you. Not only does he not make you feel bad about yourself, but also he boosts your self-esteem.

6. Life isn't perfect. You've had your ups and downs, but through it all, you have remained together with the relationship unshaken.

7. He has good friends, and you like who he is when he spends time with them.

8. He does not try to have power over you. There is absolutely no violence in the relationship.

9. He doesn't pressure you to do things you don't want to do.

10. The religious and personal beliefs, life goals and interests that make you different don't push you apart.

hazards of being single

The Pea is in bed, Gigi is with family that has come into town to visit, and Smash is working...this is when being single is hard. It's not that I need a man, I would just like to talk to a fellow adult. I have had enough Dora and Diego for one day, and I would love to sit down with someone above the age of 30 and have a glass of wine. Usually on Wednesday nights I meet Gigi for dinner, but tonight she had to cancel, so I'm home, watching bad TV and playing on the computer. Thing is, I like being by myself...I don't mind being alone, watching a movie, or reading or just hanging out, I just don't like it ALL the time.

This single thing carries with it other hazards besides being alone, like having to deal with snakes and spiders all by yourownself...last night I had a snake on my deck. Don't know if it was poisonous or not, don't much care...but there I was at 11o'clock and all I could do was cuss the little bastard out. When I went outside with the dog to get her some water, I reached down to turn on the water and ended up in a deck chair. It all happened pretty fast, so I don't remember exactly how it went down, but the snake reared up, opened it's mouth and hissed at me, I did a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon spinning leap, and then out of my mouth came every cuss word I know, as well as a few I didn't think I knew. On top of that, my first instinct after doing another spinning, jump move to get back in the house was not to just get a shovel or other killing instrument and kill the damn thing myself...NOOOOO, instead I wanted to call every man in my contact list and tell them to get the hell over here and kill the g-damn thing for me! I guess I'm not the big bad independent girl I thought I was...damnit.

It's not just snakes and spiders I now have to deal with, now I have to navigate the treacherous dating waters...as a married girl I had an enormous amount of moxie and with nothing on the line didn't worry how I was perceived by "the single guy." If he was hot, I could revel in the fact that he thought I was too and go through the rest of the day on a little high that I still had it...if he wasn't I could just flash my left hand, smile and walk away. Now I have to...what? Now if I like him I want to keep talking, but then of course I risk rejection and embarrassment and holy hell...I am fresh out of moxie. Tonight at the gym a guy opened with, "how many gigs on your ipod?" my witty reply? "Beats the hell out of me." What?! What the hell was that, I should have smiled, said something nice, introduced myself...he was nice enough, good looking, tall, late 30's early 40's...I was definitely flattered, especially since I was without makeup, hair up, and sweaty, but now what? Next time I see him do I say hi? Duck and run?

Oh boy...

discount hell

If the theory that each person's hell is unique and based what they hated most in life, my hell is a Super Walmart with no exit. Now that I'm back on a budget, you guessed it...that is where I have to shop. Yeah, I managed to avoid the place for the last few years except in cases of dire emergency (think outta Pampers at 2am), but now...not so much.

The Pea loves it there...all kinds of stuff to "need" - yes we have moved passed "mommy me want that" to "mommy me NEED that," I however can't stand that I actually do need most everything in there and can't get out for less than $200. We didn't even venture near the back of store where all the fun stuff is...

By the time we hit the parking lot she had opened every box of food in the cart...eaten two popsicles (and by eaten I mean smeared all over herself and me)...hid my keys in the fridge pack of soda, which I only discovered after a frantic retracing of steps all over the damn store...and threw a twenty underneath a produce display so I got to crawl on the floor with my ass in the air or risk losing all my coffee money for the week.

It was fun...can't wait to do it again. I'd slit my wrists to avoid it but I suspect I would just end up in the biggest, baddest Walmart of all time, and never get to leave.

thicker skin

Took the Pea to the ballet today...I LOVE the ballet, love, love, love...I could go all the time...when I was a kid I had scarlet fever and was in bed sick from mid November to January, the thing I hated the most was missing the Nutcracker on my birthday...Anyway, the "real" performance is actually going on right now, as I write, and I'm sad I'm not there...this afternoon was just a preview. We got dressed up nonetheless, and pretended it was the gala event.

Overall I think she did really well, and we were having a really nice time until some lady made a rude comment and I started feeling uncomfortable...ever since I've been feelin' yucky...I hate that one comment can ruin a whole afternoon, here's how it went down.

During intermission I let the Pea get off my lap to run around a little and get out some energy, she was going through the aisles and climbing on a few seats. A lady about 3 rows up (I was on the back row in case I had to make a quick exit) turned and asked if she was mine,
me: (smiling) "yes"
her: (not smiling) "You might want to make her stop, she is going to get hurt."
me: "She'll be fine, she's a monkey."
her: "Ok, let me rephrase then, I don't care if she gets hurt, make her stop because she is bothering me."
The Pea was a few seats down and in the row behind the woman...I was stunned...I got up, grabbed her (the Pea, not the woman, although the thought did occur) and headed back to my seat...but I can't let it go...it's been bothering me ever since. It wasn't like it was during the performance, it wasn't like she was climbing on the woman or even a seat next to her, and there were people milling about everywhere...WTF?

Oh well...guess I'm gonna need thicker skin...or more booze...sorry Mimi, but the way I see it, the only way to make this day better is to snuggle up on the couch with my remote and a dirty 'tini...I think I hear the olives calling me now...

best get me a bunny

So a couple of my girlfriends think now that I'm single, I need a rabbit...nooo not the animal, the sex toy, they even joked that if I didn't buy one for myself they would have the cute UPS man drop one off on my doorstep...yey me! Apparently the rabbit is ALL the rage among the ladies, even ones who do get real dick on a regular basis. It is so awesome in fact, that there was a 'Sex and the City' episode about it...Charlotte holed up in her apartment for days and swore she would never need a real man again...when I told them that I thought my hand would probably suffice until I could find a man they laughed, still tryin to figure out if the laughter was from a lack of confidence in me finding a man soon or somethin' else...hmmm.

Talked to Smash about the whole sex toy thing and we both, giggling the whole time, agreed we just didn't think we were sex toy ladies...not only would buying one be a little weird, but the using itself... just well...I dunno. There's the whole, what if someone finds out, or stumbles across it "mommy what's this?!" and then there's the actual logistics...do you turn off the lights? lock the door? if you tried it in the shower would you get electrocuted? do you clean it with soap and water or is there a special dildo wash that has to be purchased?...I just don't know...

Call me a prude, and maybe after a few months I'll change my mind, but I just don't think I'm gonna run out to the toy store and make a purchase anytime soon...am I missin' out big time here? Should instead of writing this, I be plopping a little rabbit into my online shopping cart?

Hmmmm, somethin' to think about.

happy anniversary

Today is my 10th Anniversary...10 years ago tonight I entered into a marriage hoping it would last forever...I made promises I didn't keep.

I hate that it didn't work...I hate that we aren't in love and happy...I hate that the Pea will grow up without her parents together.

I love that we had some good times...I love that we created the most adorable baby on the planet...I love that I am no longer the girl I was 10 years ago.