the Pea and me

Today has been very up and down...on one hand, one of the best days I have had in a long time. I spent the day with the people I love, doing things I love. The Pea and I went to the beach with Smash and J this morning, then the Pea and J stayed there while Smash and I went to lunch and had pedicures. After that we all went back to the beach and then to a fantastic dinner...just doesn't get any better. On the other hand, I had to face the fact that I am moving, and getting divorced and holy shit, I AM TERRIFIED. The house the Pea and I are moving into wasn't going to be ready until the end of September, now it well be ready next week...I got the call today to be ready, and my car is full of boxes.

Jeeeezus...

I know it's right, but now that I am faced with the reality of moving, all on my own with a 2 year old, it's frightening. I thought I had a bunch of friends, now I am finding out, I have very few. Isn't it funny how moving or getting divorced will prove who your friends are, and here I am, doing both...where the hell is everyone?!

As I filled the car with boxes, and thought about the prospect of moving, I couldn't help but sob...I cried for the Pea, not getting the opportunity to grow up in this great house that I thought I would spend the rest of my life in...cried for myself, and all the things I won't get to do because I will be working and struggling and trying to make a new life for myself...cried for my marriage, and it's early demise...and I cried for DH, because I know he is hurting, and I can't be the one to make him better anymore. Not that it was ever my job to make him happy, but I thought it was, and he thought it was, and now he will have to face himself and make his own happiness.

Today was tough...I'm still not sure what to do with myself. I know I won't be able to sleep, thinking, worrying, wondering...and yet it was so good. I am so grateful I was able to spend time with Smash, so glad the Pea was so good and so happy, and so at peace, confident I will end up happy...even if it's just the Pea and me.