happy turkey day

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

So wow...mom got here yesterday and we had a really nice night. I don't know if it was that I was in a great mood and really relaxed after having a fantastic day, or we have both changed that much. We talked, REALLY talked last night, not just about weather and other stupid superficial stuff, but about life...and not just abstract impersonal ideas, but personal feelings, issues, etc. I decided when she came this time, I would adhere to the philosophy that one can never change another person, but can make changes within themselves that will change the relationship...I guess it worked...either that, or we each had enough, but not too much beer...

Ok, so here is where I list all the things I am thankful for today, because ultimately that is what this day is about right?

My healthy happy Pea, her smile, her laugh...and being able to hug and kiss her.
My health, despite not always taking the best care of myself, I am sooo lucky.
My Sistah...always there, always loving, always on my side, couldn't survive without her.
Family, the crazy, chaotic, sometimes frustrating...both blood and chosen.
Friends...the always loyal, always loving, talk me off a ledge, keep me sane, call my bullshit, make me laugh, let me cry, real good friends...especially my "really best in the whole world" buddy.
My job, the company I work for, my work family...again, I am soooo lucky.
My home, my cozy little house, the place I feel safe and secure.
Sunny days, the beach, a good cup of coffee, a perfectly made dirty martini, good sheets, great music, books...

I could keep going, list everything, but I would be here all day...I consider myself lucky in so many ways, thankful for everyone and everything in my life.

Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving!

getting there

The Pea is with her daddy again tonight. I just got off the phone with her and I miss her. Sunday nights are always nice, hectic and a little crazy, but nice, and it just isn't the same without her here. I am planning on getting some stuff done, stuff I never ended up doing yesterday, so it is probably a good thing she isn't here, but still sad about it and missing her.

So had a nice night last night. Went out with Gigi and the girls, did the whole grown up bar scene. I had fun, I can almost always have fun, regardless of where I go or who I am out with, but I realized last night how NOT cool I am. I was standing in the middle of the young, hip, rich crowd like a deer in headlights. On one hand I would like to think I could fit in, but on the other, why? I am who I am, and it's probably high time I faced the music. I am a single mom, almost 35 years old, I'm not young, hip or rich...I can't afford $15 drinks or designer clothes. I would like to get to where I could afford all the finer things, they are nice after all, but I am finding the things I enjoy the most aren't things...I am starting to really connect with people, and make friends and those connections are what get me through and bring me happiness.

For the first time in my life I have girlfriends, I have a circle of women that I feel comfortable with, that I like hanging out with, that I talk to everyday, and I really like. Even my relationship with Smash has gotten deeper and more real. This journey I have been on the last year, this finding myself, learning how to love, learning how to be open and honest has been excruciating. It is hard to break down walls that have been up for 30years, open old wounds so they can heal properly, learn to love and trust and be open when you never have...it is hard, but it is worth it. I thought when I started all this it was just about being a good mom, I am finding out it is about being a better person. The person I want to be is not just a good mom, but a good person, a great friend, and a good partner...the person I strive to be is open, honest, loving, caring, genuine, loyal, faithful, and happy...free from all the drama and negativity that has dominated my life for so long, and willing to take chances on and rely on other people, even if it means I could get my heart broken.

Ya know, this life of mine is far from ideal, I miss my kid all the time, have all kinds of guilt, and while I know I am getting there, I am far from that great girl I strive to be...the great thing? I am finally enjoying the ride.

draggin

Draggin' a little today...didn't sleep great (big surprise) and 5:30 came early, too early. The Pea and I had a great night, and I gotta give props to Chick-fil-A for their "family night." Not only do they have the free ice cream and entertainment for the kids, but they are NICE (imagine that!) and helpful. May sound silly but when you are in there, balancing a tray full of food and drinks, a wallet, a phone and coats and you have a three year old running wild, it is nice to have someone offer to help you...they don't do that anywhere else. Our good night was followed by a good morning, and the drive to work was uneventful...all good, and yet I feel kinda blah.

Hmmm, maybe I need more coffee...

Goin' to get coffee, more later.

crazy

Whew...been one of those crazy busy days...got to work at 7am and have been nonstop until just now. I love days like today because I never have a chance to think or worry, and once I get in the car to go home I am so glad to have the time to myself it doesn't seem like such a long drive. So speakin' of crazy busy...having some family drama, my grandmother is at it again...and I am so over drama. Apparently my grandmother thinks Smash and I are mad at her, she inferred this because we haven't been around to visit lately and is mad at my mom for not telling her why we are mad at her. She is very busy telling everyone (except me and Smash of course) about it. Well, we aren't mad, don't have a reason to be, and not once during all this (which has according to my mom, been going on for months) has she picked up the phone to call me, or Smash, to ask us if we are, in fact mad. Come to think of it she hasn't called period, not to check on either of us or ask us how we are, or even to just say hello.

Hmmmm, so a GROWN woman, instead of just calling to check on her granddaughter to ask her how she is and if she is mad, calls everyone else on the planet (including the granddaughter's EX husband) and creates a whole ridiculous crisis and gets mad at a neutral third party for not telling her why when there is no why...yeah, makes perfect sense...in drama land. I am so over the drama queen thing, so over her being a martyr and making everything about her...it never once occurred to her that I haven't been around because I HAVE BEEN BUSY. Uh, yeah lets see in the last few months I have had to: start a full time job, move, buy a car, completely change my whole life and all the while taking care of a 3 year old and all that that entails...hmmmmm, no nothing to do with that at all, must be something she did. Youngest is enough of a queen, thank you very much, we really don't need one of the drama variety in the family.

I hate it, I hate that there is ALWAYS some new drama with her, and yet I don't want to shut her out of my life. She is my grandma, she helped raise me (and Smash), she has a good heart and loves us...and yet she drives me crazy...I can't afford crazy right now. I am not strong enough to be able to just suck it up...it LITERALLY exhausts me to be around her. I am exhausted enough as it is, when I have a free day, the last thing I want to do is go visit her and be subjected to the ridiculousness.

Oh well...I guess that is enough ranting for one day...every family has a little crazy, a little drama, a few queens...right?

click clack moo

Last night I watched Casablanca...and can I just say, "WTF?" Apparently, I was the last adult alive on the planet who hadn't seen it, and since it is the greatest movie of all time was missing out...well I didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I wasn't moved to action or left questioning my life, all criteria in my mind for a great flick, and while I didn't feel like I wasted two hours of my life it's not one of MY all time favorite movies. Oh, and as far as the love story part...I guess I am more of the Bridget Jones Diary school of thought on how love stories should go: boy agonizes over girl, girl makes fool out of self for boy, boy finds this charming and lovely, boy and girl fall madly in love...cuz I didn't like it much...I didn't love Titanic either so I guess I'm just weird.

So anyway, I got the movie from the library...I went on Friday while the Pea was in school. I usually only go with her, so she can get books, and I end up grabbing whatever books I haven't read off of the new releases rack as quickly as I can before she starts pulling books down and wrecking the place. I don't ever get to really enjoy the experience, or browse, or sit on the floor in the middle of a stack reading like I used to before I had her. Friday I decided I would, and I must say, even though I know there are many who would disagree, I think the library is one of the best ways our tax dollars are spent. I know a lot of people don't take advantage, and it is a huge chunk of change, but I love it. I love that we have a place to go that is quiet and warm and filled with things I adore, all available to me, for free. Now I love the big ol' discount book stores with the coffee shops in them as well, and have spent many hours sitting on the floor reading in one of those too, but ultimately (because I can walk out with a big fat stack of books and not spend a dime) library wins, hands down.

I didn't even know the library had movies until Friday. I knew they had books on CD, because I have been checking them out and listening to them in the car, but I literally stumbled on the DVDs looking for a particular book on CD, and WOW! How cool is that? Don't have to rent them, don't have to buy them, now, when I want to watch a movie just check one out...sweet...course the selection is limited, but in browsing I noticed they had some pretty good ones, so I am excited.

Since the movies are only three day rentals and I have to return the movie today, I just asked the Pea to gather up all her library books so we can return them, and so I can write in peace...I am giggling as I write, because instead of gathering them up she is "reading" one of them, out loud. It happens to be one about cows who type Click Clack Moo and as I am click clacking away on my little laptop she is saying "click clack moo, click clack moo..." hee, hee...just a little visual I thought you would enjoy.

whoo hoo

Whoo hoo! I am taking the Pea up north for a week at Christmas...I am so relieved DH agreed to let me take her, and so damn excited about seeing the family, especially Smash and the boys. Smash is paying for the plane tickets (thanks lady!) and we have all agreed to cool it on presents and just enjoy being together. The Pea doesn't know yet, I think I will hold off on telling her because she doesn't really understand the concept of future yet. If I tell her we are going she will head out the door, and be pissed off as hell that I don't follow and drive her to the airport.

Smash and I have managed to get together every Christmas or Thanksgiving since the kids were born and I was afraid with what has been going on this year it might be the first that we weren't able. Having it all fall into place this morning was great...I needed a little boost. I didn't get much sleep last night, had to be to work early this morning and it is a cold, rainy, dreary day. On top of that I am in the middle of a project at work that is now at a standstill while we wait for some information from an outside source and I don't have jack shit to do.

Have you noticed BTW that all the stores and the malls have their decorations up and Christmas music playing? Isn't it a little early for that? Santa is going to be at our mall starting THIS WEEKEND...wow. I am all about the holidays...love 'em, but do we really need a month and a half...aren't a few weeks sufficient...and with the economy the way it is, seems to me it is a kinda cruel reminder to those folks who are going to have a sparse one...ok, hopping off my soap box...more later.

have fun with that

For those of you with Gmail you may or may not have noticed, but now they have video chat...yeah, when you sign on, up at the top of the screen with your settings etc is a new tag line NEW! Video Chat. Well yee haw, count me OUT.

Now I know for those of you dating long distance, or with new babies and parents out of town you probably think this is FABULOUS...I am thinking of the rest of us. I, for one, do most of my chatting at night, after I put the Pea to bed...I am sitting cross legged in my chair in front of the computer, face scrubbed clean, hair in a pony tail, PJs on, usually with a glass of wine in my left hand (cuz I type with my right) and bag of potato chips on my lap...I don't want anyone seeing me like that...the beauty of chatting online is you don't even have to be as engaged as you are on the phone. You can eat and drink and take pee breaks (granted some of you get the joy of all of these when you are on the phone with me, but you are in the minority, consider yourselves special) and the person you are chatting with only knows you are rolling your eyes if you tell them.

So to all of you racing out to buy those little cameras you clamp on your computer, or who already have them and are buzzing with excitement that you have a new way to use them...have fun with that! And don't be self conscious at all...really, the fact that whoever you are chatting with will see when you type something and then erase it all, when you sit there with a dumb look on your face while trying to determine the right word or spelling, when you inadvertently pick your nose, or worse your ass, or when you spill your wine down the front of yourself and jump up cussing while you take your shirt off (ok, maybe that one would just be me), wouldn't worry about it at all...seriously, have fun with that.

anyone seen my fairy godmother?

Ahhh, fall Sundays...gotta love 'em. Had a great day today, despite my team losing...the weather was perfect, had fun with the Pea and spent some quality time with one of my gfriends and her family. Ok, we got through the crazy birthday week and busy work week, things have settled down and are back to normal...why am I still so damn tired? I feel like I need to sleep for days. I slept great last night, and am feelin' good about most everything in my life right now, WTF? I don't like it much. I have a house that needs cleaning, laundry that needs to be done, and all kinds of assorted other domestic tasks that will only get done if I do them, and I am on the computer...brilliant...where the hell is that g-damn fairy godmother of mine?!

Wouldn't it be great if life were like the fairy tales sometimes...just wish upon a star and singing birds help with chores, a beautiful prince charming appears out of nowhere, and pumpkins turn into transportation with the flick of the wrist...of course with every prince charming there is a toad and every fairy godmother there is a wicked witch, and those carriages always turn back into pumpkins at the damnedest times...hmmm.

Well, since I really DO need to get a bunch of shit done before I start another week, I better get to it...that's the thing about Sundays I guess...they start out a day of rest and fun and turn into a night of scrambling to get ready for Monday...if only I could track down that bitch with the magic wand.

hospitals: bad, yummy doctors: good

So one of my friends is having surgery today. I am nervous and scared for her...I know she is in good hands, and will be fine, but I can't help thinking, and worrying. I am at work, and actually have a bunch of stuff to do, but I am so distracted I keep getting into something and then spacing out wondering how she is. She sent me a text this morning and I texted back...I won't hear from her again, until she is out of recovery. I am determined to not have a panic attack when I see her. I really hate that I do that, I feel like I can't be a grownup in hospitals and it is SO frustrating. I want to be strong for her, and make sure she is well cared for, make sure when the nurses or doctors tell me something I don't pass out from all the medical talk. I don't want her worrying about me, or worse, getting pissed at me, cuz I'm not what she needs.

I hope when I get my shit worked out regarding B to put this whole medical phobia behind me. I hate being one of those people that can't be counted on in a medical crisis...I want to be strong, and knowledgeable, and capable...not a puddle on the floor. As I, and all my friends, get older, not to mention my parents and family, there will be more and more occasion to be in a hospital...I have to get over this. Not only that, I'm single now, and so don't have DH to take me and hold my hand with every medical procedure I have to get done. I thought I was doing better...last year when I had to get a little biopsy and DH and I were on the outs I managed to get through it without passing out, managed to clean it myself and even had the stitches removed without a hitch...I thought that meant things were better, but after making a FOOL out of myself earlier in the week getting a FLU SHOT, perhaps not.

Anyhoo, I suspect the more I think about it, the worse it will be, so I am going to try and focus on work...I hope tomorrow to have only good news and NO stories of me passing out on the hospital floor...unless of course they end in me getting picked up off the floor by a hot young doctor...hmmmm.

birthday bliss

Last night was amazing...it was crazy and messy and the Pea had about 7 meltdowns..most of her presents are still sitting on the table unopened because it was just too overwhelming...red wine was spilled on white carpet, and yet I had a blast. I was so happy to have my girlfriends with me, celebrating my kid, that despite all the chaos and noise I allowed myself to enjoy it...I allowed myself to just enjoy the people around me and the blessing that is having a healthy three year old and I didn't stress like I usually do about all the little insignificant "disasters."

DH ended up stopping by...when he first called to say he had a change in plans and would be in town earlier than anticipated I was leery...I felt like maybe he just wanted to "check up" on me and I didn't like it, but I got to thinking about the Pea, and the fact that it was her birthday and she had every right to see her daddy...I spent almost every birthday of my life without mine, thanks in part to my mother, and I wasn't going to do that to her. Well he was totally focused on her, even got her ready for bed and played with her for awhile so Gigi and I could chat in peace, and I thought "ya know, I'm lucky, and I'm smarter than I thought, because despite not picking the right husband for myself I did a damn good job picking the right father for her," and perhaps, that is more important.

Speaking of fathers, I wrote B a letter...I will send it off today. It was fairly short, considering the magnitude, and to the point...I told him how he hurt me, what I need now, which is nothing, what I want now, which is an apology, and left the ball in his court. If he wants to contact me, at least now he knows where I am and my name, and if he doesn't at least I got to say what I needed to in order to move on. Smash read it, said it was perfect, and I feel good knowing that monkey is no longer on my back.

Well, the Pea will have her party at school today, complete with the 17 little fancy boxes filled with loot that I busted my ass to complete, and then all the birthday stuff will be behind us...until mine, that is, which I can only hope will be as loud, fun, chaotic and crazy...

it's all about the box(es)

Today is my baby girl's birthday...three years ago I was in labor, and ready to greet my little Pea. Last night I was in labor as well, a slightly less painful one, granted, but a labor of love nonetheless. I was assembling favor boxes for the little one's birthday party at her school. The party will be tomorrow, but since my girls are coming over tonight to celebrate the little Pea, and I imagine many glasses of wine will be consumed, I figured it best to knock them out early to make sure they got done...thank God I did.

When I originally ordered these boxes I blithely assumed they would already be boxes and filled with goodies...after all that was what the picture in the catalog showed. Imagine my surprise when a rather small box showed up on my door step from the company I had ordered them from. I opened the box to discover bags of goodies, and a stack of brightly printed cardboard and directions. Of course, duh...I am supposed to turn this stack of cardboard into 17 favor boxes and then fill them with the loot. Me, moi, the mommy, all by myownself, and since I am without an engineering degree (seriously Smash, could have used your help, wow) with much trouble.

See, these were no ordinary little boxes, no, no...these were FANCY, and so required the removal of section A, but NOT section B, and the folding down of part 1, but NOT part 2, and the insertion of tab F into slot G and so on, and so on, AND SO ON...O.M.G!!! What I thought, upon sitting down at 8pm with my glass of wine and remote, to be an hour long project easily completed while watching football and sipping Pinot Grigio turned into a battle. A hard fought battle that ended up outlasting the game and with MUCH cussing. I was ready to throw each one of those $5 not yet assembled boxes in the trash and gleefully set them afire...fortunately I remembered they were $5 each and did not. They are all assembled and sitting on my kitchen table, with the cupcakes and party hats for tomorrow's party.

I think next year, we will have goodie BAGS.

sunday

Had the gift of an extra hour last night and did I use it? NO, of course not, should have gotten an extra hour of sleep or maybe cleaned the house, or who knows what, but what did I do, I laid in bed, wide awake. The Pea slept in this morning too, and instead of being asleep with her, I was laying in bed waiting for her to get up...willing her to stay in bed so I could sleep, but not asleep myself. So it's Sunday, we will do our doughnut run soon, get some shopping done, and because tomorrow is the Pea's birthday I will spend the day getting ready for that, and for the week. Busy week coming up, between birthday stuff and work and now one of my girlfriends is having surgery...I think it will be a good thing, me busy, because I have had some "stuff" come up that I know I need to deal with, and don't know how to yet.

The other night watching Grey's Anatomy, I remembered being five, spending countless hours in the hospital with B. I remember following him everywhere, watching, learning, reading...I was going to follow in his footsteps, I was going to be a doctor. Well of course that didn't happen, in his eyes I am a big fat failure, and now I can't go in a hospital without having a panic attack. The panic attacks started when I was twelve, coincidentally (or not), that was when I last saw B. They are better now, since having the Pea...I still will have one from time to time, but they aren't as bad, and I know when they are coming so I will generally find a place to sit down before passing out. Ya know, it's funny, I didn't have a single one when I was in the hospital for her birth, hmmm.

Ok, anyway...watching the show, remembering that time, made me think of B, and a whole host of emotions came bubbling up that I thought I had long since stomped down. I realized that I hadn't dealt with the pain of him choosing to not be in my life, but rather ignored it, and apparently NOW I am ready to deal with it. I guess I am finally strong enough, and in a safe enough place, that I can go there. In the episode, the Chief apologizes to Meridith, and then says that all the apologies in the world don't change things, and he knows that. I guess I want an apology too...I want to know that he "gets" what he did to me and Smash. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I know I can work out my stuff without it happening, MiMi will help with that, but now it's on the radar, and regardless of HOW I work through it, I know I have to work through it.

I have one more hurdle to jump before I can jump into another relationship. It's a little scary, I have spent so long pretending it didn't matter, HE didn't matter, that now to admit it does and I am not "over" it...well I guess it "proves" I'm broken, proves I have issues. I am a cliche, one of those silly girls with daddy issues that chooses inappropriate men and drinks too much and pretends it's all ok. YUCK...yuck, yuck, yuck...I don't want to be a cliche, I don't want to be one of those girls, I don't want to be because that is not who I want the Pea to have as a mom.

Anyway, the Pea just ran in and announced her show was over and she wanted a "punkin doyut," so we are off, and for now, I will try not to think about anything other than coffee and pumpkin doughnuts.