to wax or not to wax

Alright, enough of the serious shit, it's time for a ridiculous, superfluous, posting. Waxing the she-she...go or no-go?

Talked to a friend at lunch today and she had just come from her waxing appointment...she was very concerned about it - apparently they took off more than she bargained for, she was lyin' there all spread eagle and wham! before she knew it...hairless. Then she got to thinkin' about her DH and what he will think, will he like it? Not like it? Hmmmmm.

Got me thinkin'...overall about half my girlfriends shave, half wax...but do guys care? I myself like things nice and tidy, but not BALD...not a big fan of havin' someone else down there doin' it either, so I shave...did the waxing once...never went back - holy mother of God, that shit HURTS. DH never seemed to mind what was going on down there, just seemed happy to be there regardless...and I know, if a guy showed up all waxed, I would die laughing and then kick him out of bed. Do guys like the no hair look? Cuz I'm thinkin' eeew...that just smacks of pre-pubescent girlhood and again - eeew.

Anyway...so I'm thinkin' about the whole hair issue, and that gets me thinkin' about sex in general, and well...gotta say I miss it. I miss it bad, and since I suspect it's gonna be a long time before I get it again, should I be doing something in the interim to make myself more appealing? Last thing I want is some guy laughing and kicking me out of bed...ooh, that would suck. Ok, so other than being clean and smellin' nice, what does a girl gotta do? Should I go through the torture that is a Brazilian bikini wax, cut my hair, lose weight, gain weight, take a BJ class (and yes they have them!)? OMG, the thought of having to put in that much effort...am I at the age now where just showin' up and gettin' naked is no longer good enough?

blowjobs and cows

"Would somebody PLEASE give Bush a blowjob so we can impeach him!"

Saw that on a bumper sticker today, made me laugh out loud...now I'm sure as shit not gonna start a political discussion on this blog...that's just waaaay to serious for me, but it made me laugh, and I wanted to share.

Overall had a pretty great day...DH and I are sorting things out, talking not fighting, making some tough decisions that I thought wouldn't be made yet, and it feels good that we are communicating. I'm going to move, start working full time, and get the Pea enrolled in pre-school. Went by the house and the school today, and the Pea liked and was excited about both. Of course she has no idea what it really means, or how much life will change, but she's young, she'll be ok. I'm more worried about DH at this point. He's sad, and I hate to see that, I do want him to be happy and to find someone who can be all the things for him that I just couldn't be.

This will be my fourth night alone in the house...still haven't slept much so I'm hoping tonight will be different. I've never been a great sleeper, but it's starting to catch up with me. I lay awake, watching TV or reading, and thinking, and before I know it, it's 4 a.m...the Pea gets up at 7. It's just such a big creepy house at night. I've started leaving all the outside lights on and even a few inside...it's not that I don't feel safe, it's that now without all the yelling, I'm hearing all kinds of other noises. My neighbors have cows...the MF-ing things make all kinds of crazy sounds, and NO I don't live out in the country - they are weird...the neighbors, not the cows.

Anyway, I know I'm babbling, so I'm gonna sign off...go think about BJs and listen to cows.

apple bottom jeans...

On our way home from the Sunday doughnut run Justin Timberlake's 'Sexyback' came on the radio. This happens to be one of the Pea's favorite songs...yeah, I know, I'm screwed...so anyway, I look back in the rear view, because I know she will be smiling and see her: sunglasses on, doughnut in each hand, mouth full, with head bopping and shoulders going.

OMG - too cute.

Since I needed a good laugh it was the perfect start to the day, it also happened to remind me of my last visit up north to see Smash and the boys...

We are driving home from the airport after stopping to buy some stuff which included a pair of sunglasses for Boo and that FloRider song 'Low' comes on the radio. Smash turns it up and says,

"this is Boo's favorite song - he knows all the words (OMG!)" hee hee...

I turn around in the seat and see him, sunglasses on, bopping the head and hear in the sweetest little four year old voice:

"apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur..."

Now every time you hear one of those songs, you'll smile... :)

new normal

Don't much feel like writing, but I don't much feel like doing anything else either and I am hoping it will make me feel better. Been a tough day...played golf with the girls and the Pea this morning in an attempt to have a some normalcy. Of course, when on the first tee one of them asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears, I couldn't very well keep the evenings events to myself. Turns out it was good to tell them, they didn't get weird, didn't tell me I was crazy, just gave me hugs and asked if there was anything they could do.

I think a part of me was hoping to come home, find him here and have a knock down, drag out fight...that would be our normal, and sometimes normal is better than good. I came home to a note instead, no harsh words, no blame, just "here's what we need to do, goodbye." I'm paraphrasing obviously, but there was a finality to it that I hadn't expected. I'm sad...sad, and terrified, and completely unsure of what to do.

The Pea is oblivious of course, just figures daddy's been workin' or playing golf...I figure the best thing for her is to try and maintain her schedule best I can, but I'm sad because I know she won't get to do all the things I had planned for her. Instead of the country club life, the camps and the vacations she will be spending lots of time hangin' with mom...I hope I'm enough. I hope DH and I can still be the parents we planned on being when we decided to have her, even if we can't give her the same life. I hope when we get this behind us our new normal is happy, regardless of where we are or what our life is like.

what now

Well, I thought I was going to be writing about my girl crush...it was gonna be one of those fun posts. Went to yoga tonight and took a class I usually don't, with an instructor I have never had, and I absolutely LOVED her. First off she is beautiful; tall, blond, thin, soft spoken...the complete opposite of me, and secondly the class was AMAZING. So I developed one of my girl crushes (NO, NOT LIKE THAT!...me still likey the woody)...anyway, so I was going to go on and on about all my past girl crushes and how one actually led to some smoochin' but now I just can't, it's just not that funny because somehow telling DH about my yoga class (and I didn't even mention the whole girl crush thing!) set him off...he's gone. Packed a bag, took his clothes, told me he was done. We went from talking about yoga to talking about me and how great I was doing and how happy I was and the next thing I knew...

I'm still kinda in shock...it wasn't exactly a total surprise, but I thought we were having a good night. Ya know Smash warned me that the whole not drinking thing might actually make things worse...she said he may flip out and not like the fact that I was all clear and sober and happy, and g-damn she was right! WTF?!

I called a girlfriend and told her, I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to have to explain, or ruin people's nights, or make them uncomfortable. I don't want to intrude on other people's lives with this mess that is mine...I will tell Smash tomorrow...if I tell her tonight she will worry and she has to get up at 5 for work. Can't do that to her, especially since I am not even quite sure what to tell her. I mean, he said he was done, but we've done this before...so is he really? Just the other day he FINALLY agreed to go to counseling, is that still gonna happen? I dunno...and if he does, could it help?...again, I dunno.

I know I am just babbling, probably not making any sense at all, but I just need to write, I need to process and try to work it out in my own head what I'm feeling. On one hand, great, finally, finally I can get on with my life...on the other - OMG! WTF? How the hell is this going to play out? I have so much to think about and I don't want to think about anything. Does this mean I can go back on the booze, after all not much need for clarity on something that no longer exists right? UCK

I have to quit the club...I have to leave my friends and support system, the only family the Pea has ever had here...I may have to move two hours away to find a job...the Pea will have to go to daycare...O.M.G.

F*CK, F*CK, F*CK...I will be twice divorced...TWICE, everyone gets a bye, everyone understands one, but two, TWO...there's a stigma there, I am damaged goods, and I have a kid. How's that gonna go when I finally get this all behind me and want to move on with another man. It's hard enough finding someone your attracted to that's also attracted to you, trying to get him to overlook all your baggage - HOLY SHIT, and then what if, miracle of all miracles you manage to find one, how will it play out when he takes you home to meet the family?...your sittin' there stuffing your face with dessert and meanwhile he's in the kitchen having this conversation with his mom or sister:

her: "So, she seems pretty nice, you obviously like her, she likes you...but a kid? Are you sure you are ready to take on someone else's kid - that's pretty big."
him: "Yeah, I know."
her: "I mean, you know I love you, I want you to be happy, I'm not telling you what to do or anything, I just hope she's with you because she wants to be, not because she needs a new baby daddy."
him: "Very funny, she's not like that."
her: "Well, two divorces, that's not a great track record...just be careful."

And of course two days later you get the "lets just be friends, I love you but..." and your starting from scratch tryin' to find a great guy, who will take on you and all your baggage, who loves kids, and who doesn't have any family...OK, so maybe THAT'S a little extreme...but I could soooo see it happening.

Oh boy...what now?

damn water

Mimi says I need to quit drinkin'...well easy for her to say, she doesn't have to live with me. I actually think she's right, but as I sit here, listening to music, typing, trying to figure out what I'm gonna write about, I want a glass of wine...or two or three. DH is out, the Pea is asleep, and this is when I usually open a bottle (and finish it). I know I need to at least cut down, not only for my liver's sake, but because getting drunk, even though it seems like it might at the time, rarely leads to clarity...and often in my case leads to screaming, slamming doors or drunk texting.

So here I sit, drinking water, thinking about not only who I am, but who I want to be, what I want from life...thing is, I don't really want to plan it all out...I don't know what's going to happen or when or how it will unfold, and I don't think I want to...it might scare the hell out of me. I've always been such a planner, EVERYTHING planned out to the minute, and now, not so much. I'm excited about just seeing what's in store...who knows, maybe it's better than anything I could plan.

DH wants to start talking about what we will do when/if we split up, he wants to plan it all, he asked me last night what I planned on doing for money, where would I live, etc. etc. and I honestly didn't have an answer. I've thought about it some, started doing some research, but I can honestly say I don't know yet...I'm not ready to know. I know I'm ok with being single, I'm ok with going to work full time - actually looking forward to that one, I'm ok with moving out of this house...I know I'm gonna be ok no matter what...that's all I know.

Wow...it's funny how sometimes I start writing not knowing what I'm gonna write about, and by the end I've surprised myself...this would be one of those times...and NOW I could really use a drink, DAMN this water.

boozin' with my baby

The Pea is at that stage where she wants to be mommy. She wants to dress like mommy, act like mommy, do EVERYTHING mommy does. I found tampons in her little purse the other day...tampons, a cell phone, some money, and a pacie...just like mommy. Yesterday I walked in on her "getting dressed." She had taken off all her clothes, and her diaper, and was pulling on a pair of my thong underwear..."wook at me mommy!" Oh sweetie I'm lookin' and I'm trying my damnedest not to crack up.

So last night the Pea and I met the girls out for a quick bite and some 'tinis. It's a pretty normal night overall, I'm eating the Pea's meal, she's eating butter...The big girls have 'tinis, the Pea some juice. Usually we sit outside so if anyone gets out of hand it won't disturb the rest of the restaurant, but it was so freakin' hot we sat inside...where everyone could see and hear us.

Me: "Bunny do you want something else besides butter? Some bread maybe or fruit?
The Pea: "Yesss"
Me: "What do you want honey?"
The Pea: "Me want martini mommy."
Me: (cracking up) "NOOO honey, you can't have a martini, only MOMMIES can have martinis!"
The Pea: (LOSING IT!) "MOMMMMMMMY, ME WANT MARTINI PEEEEZ!"

OMG...everyone is looking at us, this is WAAAY worse than the ice pops at the pool episode...she is screaming and crying and won't calm down and then one of the girls goes:

"Oh, don't try to play all good mommy now just cuz your in public, we know you give her 'tinis at home!"

OMG...kill me now.

boop boop boop

Isn't it funny how something mundane and everyday to an adult can be incredibly exciting to a kid?

I bought a potty for the Pea yesterday and you would have thought it was a Mercedes. I let her choose the one she wanted, and with very VERY careful deliberation she chose a mid-priced model, with key features like built it wipes dispenser and TP holder but without the unnecessary silly options like lights or a musical flusher.

"Dat one mommy, I yike dat one."
"Are you sure, they have one here with a pink seat, or this one over here with the little musical flusher thingie?"
"Hmmmm...no (with a very serious face), I yike dat one."

She is obviously the sensible type, choosing quality and durability...we didn't get any of the cheap ones, no no...but clearly not flashy...OK, so maybe it was more like a Volvo.

So, we get home and she tells me she needs to go potty NOW, RIGHT NOW. She has never used a potty before, but it's an exciting new toy, and while I'm not ready for the full fledged "training" I figure it can't hurt to get her acquainted...if she happens to go, GREAT! She has been accompanying me to the potty since she was born on account of she won't let me out of her sight for even that long so it's not like she doesn't get the concept.

She sits down, purses her lips, squints her eyes, waits a few seconds...

"Ok mommy, me go potty," gets about a half a square of TP, stands up and drops the TP in the potty.
"Well, that was good honey, but you didn't actually go potty, there's no pee pee in the potty, and the TP is for wiping yourself...that's ok though, good first try."
We go through this two more times, and I'm ready to bag it for the night, and then:

"You go potty mommy, you go now."

Hmmm, don't really have to, but ok, I'll demonstrate...

Think about this next time you go, because now that it's second nature you don't think about the actual steps...it's not something you break down for demonstration...

So there I am detailing for her, every step...first you sit down, then you go pee pee, then you get TP (more than half a square please) and apparently I put sound affects to the next one...
"then you wipe yourself, like this...boop, boop, boop," and so on...

She sits down, goes through it all flawlessly (except still no go) and then picture this:
She stands up, bends over, bum in the air, head between her knees...
says the words(!)
"boop, boop, boop," and then both arms above her head in victory,

"Yey! mommy, me go potty just yike you!"

good mommy days

Had a great mommy day today...you know one of those days where you just feel like your doin' a good job and your kid is gonna turn out ok and they do actually love you back.

It started out a pretty normal Wednesday, ran some errands, did some shopping, went to a friends house for lunch...we came home to take naps, well to rest because she has pretty much given up the naps, and she says:

"mommy shuckr"
What? what did she say...
"mommy SHUCKR, peez?"
"Sweetie do you want a sucker? (as in candy) we don't have any, no"
"NO MOMMY SHUCKR"

She takes my hand, leads me over to the couch...
"you sit here mommy, shuckr me"

Snuggle...
She wants to snuggle...OMG, melt my heart...

"OOOH, you want mommy to snuggle with you?"
Exasperated, "YESSSS"

You know my kid may never be wicked smart, or a great athlete or any of the other things parents want for their kids, but she will be kind, and loving, and that means I'm doin' pretty good.

getting stripped searched and other bad things

Well I just got off the phone with one of my girls, and I'm still laughing, because prior to our conversation I thought I was having a bad day...not so much.

I'll start with mine...so I decide to got to the gym this morning, and after yesterdays melancholy I needed it, upon getting inside, signing the Pea into daycare and claiming an elliptical machine for myself (those grey haired ladies can be vicious), I realize I have forgotten my ipod..damn...ok no biggie, I'll watch 'SportsCenter' with NO SOUND...now normally this wouldn't be a crime against humanity but apparently the closed caption typist was on vacation and had his/her pet monkey take over because you could barely understand anything that was written. There were spaces when there shouldn't have been, no spaces where there should have been and every other word was spelled wrong. I finally got so fed up I just watched the little timer on the machine.

Ok, fast forward awhile, I have a good workout I'm feelin' pretty good, I go get the Pea and head out, I'm gonna head across the street and get a cup of coffee. Coffee...coffee will make it all better.

I'm standing in line, ready to order, the Pea is pissed because I promised her we would go to the pool immediately upon leaving the gym and we didn't, and I realize I don't have my wallet...I purposely left it locked in the car when I went in the gym...shit, shit, shit...well by the time I get back to the car the Pea is out of control so I forgo the coffee and head straight to the club so we can go to the pool.

We get to the pool, and is my usual routine I pull a lounge chair into the baby pool area so I can get some sun while she plays, and OF COURSE, I misjudge the opening of the gate and jam my toe...OMG, it hurt so bad I went to my knees...so there I am cussing and writhing on the concrete, the Pea looking on perplexed and I think "oh boy, it's gonna be one of those days."

I manage to get settled and the Pea wants an ice pop...no problem, snack bar just opened, lets go. We get to the snack bar and wait the 15 MINUTES (which for her is like eternity) for the 2 people in front of us to order their pizzas, sandwiches, burgers, hot dogs and ice cream...The Pea could not have been more patient, she stood there like a little angel just waiting...finally it was our turn and I picked her up so she could see over the counter.

"Ice pop peez" she says
"I'm sorry, we don't have any...do you want an ice cream sandwich?"

You would have thought I ripped off her arm and dangled it in front of her...SCREAMS, not just crying, literally SCREAMS,

"ME WANT ICE POP, ICE POP PEEEEEEEZ!"
"Baby, they don't have any today, do you want something else?"
Of course not.
OMG, kill me now...all the "perfect mommies" are looking at me, what do I do? f*ck, f*ck, f*ck...

yeah, one of those days...

Well about an hour ago my girlfriend calls...she's in bum f*ck Washington after getting up at 3am and taking 3 different planes, and GUESS WHAT...she's a security breach! I was laughing out loud...she starts telling me this story about how she was trying to make her 3rd connection of the day, and they printed the wrong boarding pass and of course she didn't look at it and when she tried to board the airplane with it they denied her, and called TSA, and practically stripped searched her AT THE GATE, with all the people she was hoping to be flying with, and didn't believe her when she said it wasn't her fault and on and on and on...

Isn't it funny how someone else's misery can snap you right out of a funk? Sounds awful right? "Well at least I didn't get stripped searched in an airport!"

I have spent enough time overseas, in places most people wouldn't want to go, to realize my life is pretty f-ing great...I have seen war torn areas, places where women have NO rights, and places where the poverty I grew up in would be heaven...and yet I get in these funks where I'm feelin' sorry for myself...UCK, YUCK...knock it off!

So anyway, feeling better now (might have something to do with the 2 glasses of wine, I dunno) and I've decided that even if they don't have ice pops at the pool tomorrow, as long as I don't have to get up at 3am to get strip searched in an airport it will be a good day.

the Christmas of the box

Wow, I have actually been so busy the last few days I haven't been able to write...I actually had to work at work...imagine that.

So on Thursday I had to sit through a class on HazMat...fun and games right? Well the instructor thought it was THE most exciting and interesting stuff EVER, the rest of us...not so much. The funny thing about the class, is that it made me remember this past Christmas.

See, the instructor kept using the word box whenever he was referring to any kind of package at all, and I swear he said it like 52 times in the first few minutes..I had to stifle my giggles, it was ridiculous.

Ok, so it's December of last year, Smash, J, JJ and Boo are coming down for Christmas...my parents decide they are going to just ship "all our presents" to my house. Every day for a week they call to ask if we "got the box?" and since I usually only talk to mom OR dad once or twice a month I figured this was one HELL of a box, with lots of good shit. About 4 days before Christmas we get the box...it's about the size of a shoebox and it's drop shipped from Harry & David...WTF? This can't be it, this had to be an additional box, THE box must be late. So I call mom,

me: "hey there, got a box of somethin' from Harry & David"
mom: "OOOH GOOOD, you got your Christmas presents then"
me: "ummmm, ok, yeah, are they ALL in there, for EVERYONE?"
mom: "yes, yes, and don't open them until Smash and the boys get there"
me: "oh, ok, great...thanks so much!"

Meanwhile I am thinking, "its food, gourmet food, we have a 2, 4, and 6 yr old and it's Christmas - what is that?"

So Smash, J, JJ & Boo arrive, and I present the box. Smash starts laughing, J is wondering what the hell is so funny and the kids are maniacs because of course they think the box MUST be filled with great stuff...we open the box...inside the box is:

MORE BOXES...

Oh yeah, 5 red boxes of assorted size, each one containing some heinous little food with a designer label.

OMG...OMG...OMG.

There wasn't enough of any one thing to share amongst 7 people, and there were only 5 different things...let me see if I can remember what they were: fruit cake, fudge, baklava, raspberry cookie bar thing, and......oh who cares.

Anyway, we call mom & dad to "thank them" and they are just so damn proud...they sooo did not get it...and these are not 90 yr olds, they are not poor (anymore), they know we have children. We are close to just letting it go and writing it off as my parents being clueless when we happen to ask what youngest got. Big mistake...HUGE...because upon hearing the answer we are furious.

Oh, he got a box too...

A brand new box...

See, mom and dad agreed to pay for him to get him a sex change...lets see how did J put it?

"So let me get this straight...the SEVEN of us got a BOX of Harry & David and your brother GOT A VAGINA?!"

And not just a vagina, but hormone treatments, laser hair removal, the works...that shit ain't cheap. Now granted, my parents have never been big gift givers (not to us anyway) so it's not like we were expecting a whole lot, but if in order to get them to spend money on us we have to ask for new body parts...hmmm I think I'll pass, I'm pretty damn happy with my box thank you very much, I don't think I want a new one.

UPDATE Jan. 2009...ok so this Christmas mom & dad redeemed themselves...we got gift cards and the kids racked up with some great stuff...Youngest wasn't there, we don't know what she got...I'm still very happy with my box and have only my original body parts.

Can't wait for October

I am supposed to be going up north to see my parents Columbus Day weekend...it's all planned. The Pea is going to get to see JJ & Boo and we are all going to do hang out together...

Smash is looking forward to it, mom & dad are already planning events, and tonight Smash informed me that we are invited to a picnic at our childhood home...well I use the term "home" loosely.

We grew up in a barn, with dirt floors, no plumbing, no electricity...cold, God it was cold...I hated that place. The property was beautiful, but it was not a happy comfy place to call home. I left when I was 15, I spent time in a crack house, in friends houses, I even lived in my car for awhile, just so I wouldn't have to live there. I went back home a few times off and on when things got bad and I finally found a job as a nanny, which provided room and board, and managed to hang on until moving down south. My parents have since then moved, and the new owners have made the place "a showcase," one of those eco-friendly solar powered "retreats" out in the country. We are all invited to come see it in October.

Smash is excited, Dad is excited, I don't know if mom gives a rats ass...I am terrified. I don't know if I want to go back to that place that will remind me of that time in my life. I don't know if I can go back with an open mind and be happy for the new owners who now have all the modern conveniences I wish we had had. I don't know if I can go there and put on a happy face and not ruin it for the rest of the family.

Why is it that a house can conjure up so much emotion? The house I live in now was my "dream" house...we bought it out of foreclosure without even seeing the inside...I took one look at it and said "that's my house, we need that house." I painted every room myself, I love it. We are trying to sell it (well not at the moment, right now it's off the market, but that's another story, it will go back on the market soon), and I almost feel like I am abandoning a family member...like I am betraying this place...WTF is that?! Who cares? It's just a bunch of wood and drywall why is it so important? Isn't it funny how we can associate inanimate objects (like houses) with ourselves...we can either hate or love something, so fervently?

Well Mimi, I guess we will need to go back to weekly sessions in October, huh?...and you thought you were almost rid of me...ha ha.

cookies for sex

So the other day I'm standing in my pantry cramming Oreos in my face as fast as I can...well actually they are Newman-O's...they're organic, and therefore NOT bad for you, the fact that they have exactly the same number of calories per cookie should be ignored...and I have the door closed because if the Pea sees me she will want some and I don't want to share - I MEAN, I don't want her to eat sugar - yeah that's it...and suddenly I remember that episode of 'Sex and the City' where Miranda calls Carrie in a panic because she has just eaten chocolate cake out of the garbage.

She has been substituting chocolate for sex and after making a whole cake and nearly eating it all she throws it away to prevent herself from eating more and then next thing ya know, bam...she's on the phone with Carrie. WELLLLL...seems I've been substituting Oreos...no wonder I can't fit into my pants. All that pent up frustration, taken out on a tiny cookie(cookies)...damnit, I guess I have to make a change huh?

So, I joined a gym...yup, aerobics and free weights will now take the place of those lovely little Newman-O's...I am going to get my ass back in my pants...well maybe. I sit here at my computer after having a lovely pasta with vodka sauce (2 of my favorite things all on the same plate - whoo hoo!) and an ENTIRE bottle of wine, thinking, "hmmmm wonder if I should have gone to the gym tonight?"

Nah, there's always tomorrow...oooh and I think I still have some cookies in the pantry.

tramp stamps

Saw a tramp stamp on a 4yr old today...I know, I was pretty stunned myself. At first I thought it was the tag to her shorts sticking up, but no upon closer look she had one of those temporary tattoos on her lower back. Now I know those things are all the rage, JJ & Boo love them, put them on all the time, great...they have never to my knowledge asked to put one anywhere on their bodies they themselves couldn't see, and those things take awhile to adhere...its not like a sticker, so some mom or dad sat there holding a wet rag on their toddlers lower back for like 5 minutes so she could have it there. WTF?!

Now I like tattoos, not a big fan of crazy big ones all over ones body, but I have one, I like it...the temporary ones, even better...but on your kid's lower back?! I'm a little perplexed...just thought I'd share.

bad cats

As is our usual Sunday morning custom the Pea and I headed out early for doughnuts, since we had a house full I decided to skip the drive-thru and go inside since I would be ordering a bunch of crap and nothing infuriates me more than sitting at at a drive-thru waiting for ONE damn cup of coffee when the person in front of me is ordering like 12 breakfast sandwiches.

Anyway, once I have my bags and boxes and coffee in hand, we head out the door, and since I cannot carry the Pea with all the other stuff, she is walking beside me. Keep in mind this is a small parking lot, we are not at the mall or Walmart. We are almost to the car and another car rounds the corner and starts approaching, I tell the Pea to hustle and get out of the way - which she does - and start to get the loot in the car so I can then put her in. The lady in the car then starts blowing her horn, pulls up beside me, rolls down the window and yells:

"Small children should NOT be allowed to walk in parking lots alone!"

Alone? What?! I'm right here...Well, since she had a tight perm, blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick the only thing I could think to say was:

"YOU should NOT be allowed outside looking like that!"

She didn't have anything to say after that, and I presume she went inside for coffee...clearly she needed one (and a new hairdo but that's beside the point) seriously though, WTF?

The Pea was NOT in any danger, I don't, as a rule, put her in harms way, why do some people think it's their job to tell you how to parent? I swear every time I go out, there is some old lady who pops up out of nowhere (usually wearing blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick) to tell me I should or shouldn't do this or that.

About a week ago some random lady walked up to the Pea, grabbed her pacie out of her mouth and said "give me that, you shouldn't have that!" I WAS STUNNED...what? excuse me, I should have grabbed the vinyl Louis-Vuitton knock-off out of her hand and said the same thing...I mean really, fake purses are a way worse crime against humanity than a 2yr old with a pacie...jeezus.

I wonder if there is a way to get through to these women? Cuz you can't really say anything to them, they always think they're right, but what if, like with a bad cat, you said nothing and just sprayed them with a squirt gun...eventually they would get the hint and stop doing it, right?...I think I'm gonna go buy a squirt gun.

pregnant onions

WTF is a pregnant onion? I am driving into work this morning and pass a garden shop apparently selling pregnant onions...they had a big sign, that's all it said. At first I thought I had perhaps hallucinated since I hadn't yet had my coffee, but upon second glance I realized I had, in fact, read it correctly...big white sign, red letters, PREGNANT ONIONS! Apparently it's so exciting they even needed an exclamation point.

Now my first thought was "wonder if Angelina had those Pitt babies yet?" which then led to thoughts of making a little Pitt baby of my own and how much fun that would be, which then led me to thoughts of giving birth and well...let me put it this way: after 22 hours of pure-t-hell and then stitches in the she-she, even Mr. Brad Pitt couldn't get me to WANT to give birth again. I would have another kid in a heart beat if you could order them off the Internet...it just ain't that simple.

Now that the Pea is two I get asked daily when she will have a little brother or sister...some folks even go so far as to tell me I need to get started now, right now damnit, cuz I'm not gettin' any younger...What is that?! Why do people think they need to weigh in on the status of other peoples families? I was out to lunch with the girls on Monday and happened to sit across from one who only had one of her own...well he is grown now with kids of his own so she is SOL if she wants another NOW and I got a lecture...a pure-t lecture on how I needed to have another. I smiled and said "no I think she's gonna be my only" and started stuffing bread in my face fast as I could.

On one hand I want to give the Pea a baby sibling so bad I can't stand it...there is nothing like having a sistah (or brother), that one person who knows you better than anyone, who knows your crazy life and crazy parents and loves you anyway...who you can tell anything to...I simply cannot imagine my life without Smash...I would love to know that in 30 yrs the Pea could have that as well. I wanted another one immediately after the Pea was born it just didn't work out. On the other hand my gut is saying no, hell no, don't even think about it. Sounds harsh doesn't it? "No way, not me, don't want another"...makes me sound like a kid hating witch...thing is, I don't think my marriage could stay intact through another, and I don't want to end up like my mom; with two babies and no good options in a shitty marriage...there I said it...wow, didn't even realize that's where I was going with that. OK, so change of subject...

Wonder if they have pregnant potatoes and carrots too?

showing the boo boos to boys

My kid is obsessed with boys...yeah, she's 2, that's right 2 and she not only has a full blown crush on a much older man, but EVERY time we see a boy, she falls in love...OMG.

Her crush is on our minipro at the club, granted he is one of the cutest boys on the planet but it is getting ridiculous. She knows his car now, and if we drive in the parking lot and she sees it, she starts chanting his name like a freakin' mantra until we go see him. Today we saw his car and before going upstairs for lunch we HAD to go in the pro shop...well he wasn't there, and you would have thought he had kicked her in the gut...she slumped over all sad and walked out the door.

Tonight we went out to eat with another couple and there happened to be a boy at the table next to us, thank God he was at least closer to her age, and they flirted and chased each other around like there was no tomorrow. The wife pointed out that even though she was acting all crazy like, at least she hadn't "showd" her boo boos. Yeah, there's a story...

So we are hangin' at the club on a random Friday afternoon, as we usually do, and everyone is havin' a nice time, drinkin' eatin' etc. The Pea is being fairly well behaved and is delivering bottle caps to minipro in what appears to be an offering...well, he is accepting and being very accommodating, making a little pile, smiling, saying thank you, etc. After awhile we stop drinking the beers (well at some point you do have to don't you?) and because she has nothing to offer up she walks over and LIFTS HER SHIRT...OMG, I am MORTIFIED...well mortified and dying of hysterical laughter...minipro doesn't know what to do, except laugh, and everyone else at his table is practically dying and I gather her up and try to explain that while that may have SEEMED like a good idea at the time, it was in fact, NOT...how do you explain that to a toddler?!

I'm in trouble...