Sunday, August 31, 2008

settled, or not

Well...I'm in...I'm in the new house, and while I still have a TON to do and more stuff to move, the house is livable. The Pea is still struggling to adjust...she has been sick since Friday with a fever and sore throat so that hasn't helped, and she doesn't LOVE her new room like she did her other one. Tonight when DH called to say goodnight he asked her if she liked her new house and she replied "NO!" I'm sure DH was pleased but for me it was a kick in the gut.

I am exhausted...I slept great last night, but I am still tired, and sore...really sore from all the lifting, not just of boxes and furniture but of the Pea...all day yesterday she wanted to be held. I know she will adjust and things will settle down, but having her upset the past few days has been really tough. I know I haven't had a ton of patience, and with trying to get as much done as possible I haven't paid her as much attention as she has wanted. I feel guilty now, now that she is asleep and I am relaxed, but when I am in the middle of it, I just get so frustrated. She spilled milk all over the living room today because I don't have any sippy cups here and forgot to buy some this morning, I got so pissed at her, and then she got upset and ran into her room crying...man I hate when I do that. Now of course, I can see that I wasn't pissed about the milk at all, I can see that I was pissed about the fact that DH didn't offer to take her while I was trying to get packed and moved, and as a result I wasn't able to be as organized as I wanted and because of that, I forgot a bunch of shit...but in that moment, I was just pissed.

I think part of why DH hasn't offered to take her any to help me out has been because he is trying to make me see how hard it's going to be...make me realize I can't do it on my own...of course that's an assumption on my part, I could be wrong. He said to me yesterday that I didn't seem upset "enough," this didn't seem to bother me the way it did him...OMG, I wanted to slap him. I have been racing around like a chicken with my head cut off, carrying a sick, cranky baby on my hip while trying to pack up 13yrs worth of stuff, and trying my best NOT to fall apart, and he criticized me for not falling apart. I told him I didn't have the luxury...it'll come I'm sure, I just have to wait for a time when I don't have 46 other things on my to do list.
...had to stop writing there for awhile, Pea woke up, came looking for me. She hardly ever does that. Usually when she goes down, she is down until morning...yet another little reminder that she is not as settled or happy as I had hoped...damnit. I guess getting her that way is #1 on that to do list.




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