go with it

An interesting week for me, filled with some ups, some downs, and a lot of learning.  TheGuy and I are getting to know each other and even though we have been friends for a few years now, there are always things that unless you are in a romantic relationship with someone, you just don't know.  There are the good but expected: he is awesome with kids and always there when he says he will be; the good and unexpected: he is great in bed (just never thought of him "that way" so didn't know what to expect); the neutral but interesting: he doesn't drink coffee.  As we spend more time together we are also becoming aware of each others little quirks.  Those little things that you do, that you sometimes don't even realize, until you start analyzing how you appear to someone else, or they get pointed out...like the way you drive or order food in a restaurant, or the music that you sing along to.

I thought I knew him pretty well when we started on this crazy adventure, but the more I learn, the more I realize I didn't know much, and the more I learn, the more I like.  The problem with it all is that it scares the hell out of me.  The whole idea of dating and being romantic with someone was scary at first, but we got through that by "not dating" and the romantic part just kind of took care of itself.  Then we had a few weeks of blissful falling in love, being happy, totally being ourselves around each other and thinking "where the hell have you been my whole damn life?"  NOW, now, it is getting terrifying again, because now I'm all in.  Now it's real and for some strange reason I am getting insecure and doing that thing where I question every thing I say and do.  I was totally myself with him from the beginning because he already knew I was a crazy dork and there was no point not acting like myself.  I had the attitude "what the hell, it's not like I have anything to lose..." I was blunt, brutally honest, told him exactly what I feeling pretty much as I was feeling it, and never gave it a second thought...until now.  Now I have something to lose (the best relationship I have ever had) and holy hell, pretty soon he is gonna see something in me that he doesn't like much.

My head tells me he won't take off, he is a better man than that, but the eight year old little girl inside me says "if your own father can leave you and never look back, so can he..."  I'm back to fighting demons I thought I had laid to rest and I don't like it much.  I want to be able to be happy and not question it or hold back because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to trust, both myself and someone else, and have faith that it will all work out.  I want to go back to saying exactly what I am feeling in the moment and not immediately regret it because I think "oh shit, what if that wasn't what he wanted to hear?" 

I want to stop worrying that I have to be perfect to be loved.

Is it just us silly girls who do this in the beginning of a good relationship or do men do it to and just not talk about it?  Why can't I just leave well enough alone and go with it?