sure about that?

Anyone who knows me well, knows I drink coffee...lots and lots of coffee. Now normally, I like it iced, and like it better when someone else (preferably someone at Dunkin Donuts) prepares it for me. Monday and Wednesday mornings, as much as I would like to swing through a drive-thru, it just isn't an option, so...I make my coffee at home (and yes it is Dunkin Donuts coffee, hazelnut), pour it over ice, add milk and Splenda, and I am off. Week before last, I was running low on Splenda, so last time I went to the grocery store, I bought some...only they didn't have the regular, apparently there had been a run on it or something, so I bought the kind with fiber in it.

When mom was here at Thanksgiving, she had the fiber stuff with her and every morning made a cup of tea and added it. I asked her at the time if it tasted nasty or made her tea thick and goopy and she said no. So, knowing that fiber is good for me and also knowing that I don't get enough because I prefer foods that are horrible for me, I thought "What the hell? I might as well give it a try." Well as I made that first cup this past Wednesday and added that fiber laden sweetener I remembered a conversation I had with Smash while mom was here.

me: so ya know how you can get fiber and add it to your drinks and stuff, well now they have a Splenda/fiber combo...mom has it, she puts it in her tea every morning, I was thinking about getting some and adding to my coffee in the mornings.

Smash: really...yeah, I dunno if that is a good idea, are you sure about that?

me: yeah, mom says it doesn't taste bad or anything

Smash: not that, I mean, fiber...coffee...I would shit myself before I got out of the driveway...seriously...

me: hmmm, well my driveway isn't as long as yours...

But it was too late...I had already put it in, I didn't have any more coffee made, and if I didn't leave right then I wouldn't make it to work on time. Well, I said, to hell with it, and with every sip I swear all I could think was: I just got my car back, all fixed and clean, and I really don't want to have to tell the Pea we are going to have to switch cars AGAIN.

Happy to report I did NOT shit myself, I don't have to get a new car, and I have a WHOLE box of Splenda with fiber if anyone wants it.

bob meet dad, dad...bob

Got this email FWD and as I read through I thought (while laughing) I guess this is how it would be if I took BOB home for the holidays...

Subject: vibrator

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

BTW...BOB and I still haven't had a "date," as I am still scared to take him out of the package.

snow day

I have had a fantastic day. It was a snow day...a SNOW DAY!!! Those are rare in this area, and always a fun treat if you can manage to swing the day off work to enjoy it. Well I did manage to swing the day off...I will probably take tomorrow off as well. My already great four day weekend has turned into a mini-vacation.

It has been so much fun playing, really playing, with the Pea...and she always manages to say or do something funny at just the right time. Today the rental car place called me to tell me they needed to switch cars on me (AGAIN!) and I needed to bring in the old one...well it kinda ticked me off, first off I didn't want to venture out in the snow with a bunch of idiots who don't know how to drive in it, and second, I didn't want to have to clear out all my crap. I'm kind of a nester...I practically live out of my car and like to have all possible necessities at my finger tips at all times...cds, napkins, money, lip gloss, extra clothes, pens, paper...you name it...not only that but anyone with children knows that they can't help but nest, in addition to her own cds, napkins, lip gloss and clothes were seashells, crayons, Cheerios and stickers...my god I must have cleared out three dozen stickers. Anyway, knowing that I am going to have to clear all this shit out and not wanting to venture onto the highway I hem and haw and they agree to come to my house with the new car, and since the Pea DID throw up in the old one the other day, I decided a new one might not be a bad idea. Well, I hung up the phone, annoyed, and got ready to head outside to make the exchange.

Pea: "Mommy, what's wrong?"

me: "Oh, nothing Pea, mommy just has to go clean all our stuff out of the car so we can get a new one."

Pea: "Why mommy?"

me: "Honestly sweetie, I dunno, just stay inside and watch Dora, OK?"

Pea: "Mommy, (hands on hips) did you pee in the car AGAIN?"

Kid you not...

bob

Well it has been a pretty good weekend...started off ummm, different...but has turned out rather well. OK, started off with one of my rather well meaning friends deciding to gift me (since I am not getting any REAL man) with a BOB, battery operated boyfriend...yeah...guess I got me a rocket after all.

I got to her house Friday morning and she handed me this, well...gift...and starts laughing her head off cuz apparently I turned about 3 shades of red and had to pick up my chin off the floor. I am not accustomed to such "gifts," I almost dropped it cuz it scared me. This thing is FRIGHTENING...not ONLY is it quite a bit larger than most of the penises I have run across but it has...how should I say this...ummmm...appendages? I am a little bit scared of the uncircumcised, and that is a little extra that is SUPPOSED to be there...BOB has things protruding that are just ridiculous...and as far as I can tell (although I haven't worked up the courage to take it out of the packaging) there are no instructions. Not only that, but it was rather expensive, the Mercedes of BOBs, and it didn't come with a gift receipt so it's not like I can exchange it for something else...crotchless panties perhaps?...at least those I would know what to do with. O.M.G.

Ok, so with BOB tucked away in a far corner of the closet, well out of reach of the Pea, and ME for that matter, the weekend moved forward. The Pea and I spent some quality time hangin' at the mall and snuggling on the couch AND I managed to get the Christmas tree down - FINALLY. The Pea has been a doll this weekend, she really is a little girl now, not a baby, and she is fun to hang with. Not only that, she will let me have some time to myself and entertain herself, which is quite new and exciting for me. I was able to get a long, hot shower this morning with no repercussions...usually I either have to race out of there cuz she is harassing and calling me, or I emerge to find some ridiculous mess that I could have never imagined.

Of course, right now my whole house is a ridiculous mess, so if she made one I might not even notice it...I wonder if there is any way I could teach BOB to clean? Hmmmm, now THAT would be a turn on.

kids say the darndest things

Last night the Pea and I watched the movie Curious George...I could fill you in on the ENTIRE movie, since I had to watch it seven times (which is six more times than anyone over the age of seven should be subjected to), but I won't...you're welcome. The ending, however, I will tell you, because it is the reason for the following exchange with the Pea...after "saving the day," and much chaos, George, quite by accident, heads off in a rocket.

her: "Mommy, me like the rocket, me need a rocket!"
me: "You want a rocket huh? Wow, I don't know about that."
her: "Yes mommy, me need a rocket."
me: "Well baby, I don't have one, wouldn't know where to get one, so I guess that means no, sorry."
her: "You DO mommy! You HAVE a rocket!"
me: "I do?! Really? I don't think so honey, I don't have a rocket."
her: "YES MOMMY!! You have a rocket IN YOUR BOX!"
me: (laughing out loud) "If ONLY mommy had a rocket in her box..."

Mommy would be in a much better mood...

much better. ;)

peeing in cars

The Pea thinks I peed in the car and that's why we had to get a new one...Friday, when my gfriend came to pick us up and take us to get the rental, the first words out of the Pea's mouth were, "mommy peed in the car" at the time I was like "WHAT? huh?"...yesterday afternoon I finally figured it out (I'm quick like that)...I told her I "had an accident" and well in her world that means I pissed myself and by adding the "in the car" well, that means I did it in the car...tee hee.

So yeah, I had an accident, and it was all my fault, and if that isn't a big fat wake up call I don't know what is...see I had been in a funk, feeling sorry for myself, driving distracted and wham! I guess it is time to make some changes...I guess it is time to grow up, and get over myself and stop being distracted. I am a big fan of "living in the moment" enjoying the present, not dwelling in the past or dreaming of the future, and yet while a fan, I have yet to become a TRUE convert. Oh, I have my days, where I am all happy and glorious and able to enjoy every moment, but it's not often, and there I was, driving down the road, lost in a thought, not paying attention, NOT living in the moment, and now I am gonna pay for it...I am damn lucky I didn't hurt myself, or anyone else.

I tried to take down the Christmas tree this morning and the Pea LOST HER MIND...she did not want it taken down and could not understand why it had to be (I hope to get it done tonight after she goes to bed). She kept asking "Why? Why mommy, why?"...all I could think to say was "I don't want to be one of those tacky, crazy ladies who keeps a tree up all year long." I didn't say it to be funny, but she laughed and said "You tacky mommy, you funny!" I don't want to be tacky! Funny, yes...tacky, crazy? NO!! What is this life of mine coming to? Alone, exhausted, distracted, and now tacky too? I can't have that! Yikes...

Hmm, well at least I made it through the day without pissing in the rental.

good day

My day got off to a good start. While driving into work this morning I decided to listen to the radio instead of a cd...I didn't ever get to the library over the weekend to check out a new audio book and I have been listening to the same music CD over and over. Well, almost immediately after turning it on, they did a contest for movie tickets...most of the time, unless it is something really good, I don't even bother, but I happened to have my phone in my hand so I dialed...it rang twice and then they were asking my name and telling me I had won. OK, so it isn't the lotto, but it's always fun to win stuff and now I can go see a movie. Bonus, with the movie free I can actually afford to buy a soda and some popcorn.

I almost didn't come to work this morning...been feeling a little blah, fighting off a cold, and when the alarm went off I DID NOT want to get out of bed...now I am kinda glad I didn't burn a sick day. Now, that I am here and have had two coffees, I feel fine...I may actually get some work done. Before I go though just gotta share: I got a laugh this morning from the "bonehead of the day." Apparently some dipshit in Massachusetts decided a blowtorch would be the perfect tool for ridding his back porch of ice...see for yourself: http://bonehead.oddballs.com/BlowTorch.html. Smash, I thought you would get a kick out of this, since you run across Massholes like him regularly...all I can say is: that guy is wicked retahded.

Ok, that's all I got...

adventures in dating

Well my first venture into the whole single, dating scene in hmmm, lets see...14 yrs...was a bust. I met B2 out a few months ago, Gigi introduced us, gave him my number...he asked me if I wanted to get together then and I balked, no not just balked, FREAKED OUT...fast forward to my birthday, out with Gigi again and I see him, we hang some, I start to think, well maybe I CAN do this whole single girl thing after all...a few texts, a few emails, finally we decide on lunch. The plan was he would call me in the a.m. let me know where we were headed and what time.

Ok, so it's 11:30, no call yet and I'm starting to get a little nervous...I call him, no answer, I leave a message to the effect of "hey, standin' in my closet wonderin' what I should wear, since I don't know where we are going, gimme a call." Two minutes later, a text...he is stuck out of town and wants a raincheck. A TEXT, dude, if you are gonna cancel have the f*cking decency to call...and the worse part is, I haven't heard from him since. One would think there would be a text, email or a call once he got back to town...nope.

WTF!!?? Seriously? So the gut says he hooked up the night before, she was still there when I called, and now he is no longer interested...NO PROBLEM, but have the balls to pick up the phone. In all honesty, I knew this guy wasn't soul mate material, but I figured it would be a good way to get my feet wet, put myself out there, and have fun...not so much. If this is how guys are these days, NO THANKS. I know I am a little rusty, and I don't know how to "play the game," but the last (and if memory serves, only "real") date I went on, we both knew about 10 minutes in would never amount to anything...difference is: he was NICE, called me the next day, and even now recounts the story of our ill fated date with a laugh whenever we see each other. Has that much changed in 15 years?

happy new year!

Wow...so it has been a wicked long time since I wrote last...so much has happened. The trip up north to see Smash and the boys and the rest of the family was GREAT...we had so much fun, the Pea got to see, and play in, the snow and I got my batteries recharged. There are a few places I go to recharge, regroup, and bolster myself and that is one of them...NYC and the beach are the others...something about the energy and the ability to be anonymous. No one knows me up there, I don't feel like I have to DO anything or be anywhere, and it is beautiful...anyway.

I was supposed to come home New Year's Eve...I had planned to get in about 11:30pm, my hope was that I would be so busy trying to get off the plane and get a cab and the Pea would be so cranky that the LAST thing on my mind would be the fact that I was ringing in the new year alone and with no one to kiss. Well...best laid plans...mother nature decided I was NOT getting home and dumped over a foot of snow on the airport that day. At first I was bummed, my plans were screwed up, I wouldn't have a day to rest before going back to work, and my sister would have to change her plans and babysit me...as the night wore on though, I realized that the snowstorm was an unexpected blessing...everything worked out even better than planned.

There is a saying that whatever you are doing as you ring in the new year is how you will you spend the rest of your year. Well for the most part that has been true for me...years I spent ringing in the new year at home, mellow, the year pretty much was as well...years there was chaos and drama as the ball dropped, well chaos and drama the whole year through...last year I was writing in my journal, alone in the guest room of my house, my life and marriage a mess. Well, as the year wore on, it became clear that I would spend the year alone, writing to help me cope, and yes, my life and marriage a mess. This year, much to my surprise, I ushered in the new year laughing, happy and with the people I love the most.

I can only hope the rest of my year is spent much the same...filled with unexpected blessings, laughter, love and happiness.

Happy New Year!

christmas eve

It's Christmas Eve...I am supposed to be packing. The Pea and I are headed up north tomorrow to see the family, play in the snow, and get away from here. Not that things here have been bad, on the contrary, the past week has been great, but a trip out of town will make it even better. This is my first holiday season in TWENTY years that I haven't had a lover, boyfriend, or husband...I thought it would be harder. The Pea is with her dad, and I expected tonight to be awful. I thought I would be drunk by now, watching some ridiculous chick flick and sobbing, and while I did cry a little saying goodnight to the Pea, I haven't had a bit to drink, and I've been watching tv while doing laundry. I am enjoying the peace and quiet and time to myself to reflect and think.

I got to fly the other day, and for a frustrated non-flying pilot like myself, there could not have been a better present. I got the best birthday and best Christmas presents ever, both in the same year. I was sitting in the right seat, expecting only to make a few radio calls, maybe a turn or two and the next thing I knew the airplane was mine. As we started our descent I kept expecting to have to give the airplane back, and while I didn't exactly have total control (or land center line) I made a decent landing. As we turned off the runway onto the taxiway I couldn't help but think how much like great sex it was...my legs were shaking, my heart beating, I was sweaty and exhilarated and happy...I swear I didn't come off that high for hours. If I just had an extra $3 million lyin' around to buy an airplane I wouldn't ever need a man again...hmmmm.

Yeah, not so much...while I think this time by myself is a good thing, and I am enjoying it, I do hope by next year to have a man in my life. I want to have someone to spend the holidays with...to help me put up the tree (and take it down), to dance with on my birthday, to make love to on Christmas Eve, to kiss at midnight on New Year's. If this year has taught me anything though, it's that not having a man for all of it, is better than having one that isn't right for me...

Well on that note, I guess I'll sign off...off to pack, get some sleep and get ready for the battle that is flying commercial with a three year old in tow...and with all that, it's probably a good thing I don't have anyone to make love to tonight.

Merry Christmas!

best present ever

I got the best birthday present EVER a few hours ago and wanted to write it down so I would never forget. I took my baby girl out to dinner and as the waiter brought out a strawberry shortcake for us to share (she ordered) the Pea broke out with (all by herself)...

"Happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day to you, happy boo-day MOMMY, happy boo-day to you...(both arms up) YAY!"

O.M.G.

the perfect hump day

I'm at work, after taking the morning off to see the Pea perform in her school Christmas show. Wow, it is amazing what an extra few hours in the day can do...I had a nice relaxing morning, took my time getting ready and getting the Pea to school, went for coffee, and was able to sit down and enjoy it, which was great, and I don't think anyone here even missed me...wish I could work half days every day.

Anyway...O.M.G. two, three, and four year olds singing and dancing, ridiculously cute. Of course the start of the show is something akin to herding chickens, but once they all settled in, took their places and started singing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. One two year old in particular, she happened to be the tiniest child there, threw down to Jingle Bells in what can only be described as a LOL booty dance...one of the three year olds picked her nose, and I mean went to town diggin', during the entire second verse of Santa Clause is Coming to Town, and then studied what she had excavated during the third...and one of the four year olds cried the entire time for his mom, who was standing in the audience taking pictures and saying "smile honey, it's ok, mommy's right here!"

DH was there, which was great for the Pea, and what I have always wanted for her (both her parents involved) but was a little uncomfortable for me. I think we were both trying to be on our best behavior, be nice for the Pea's sake, he even complimented me as we were leaving, he said I looked pretty. I had put a little extra into my appearance this morning, both for the show and because I was going to get my license renewed and didn't want another HEINOUS picture like last time, but having him recognize it and compliment me felt strange. I don't think either of us have complimented or even spoke nicely to each other in a year. It's funny, just a few years ago, I would have given my right arm for a compliment, to hear that I "looked pretty," now, while it's nice, it doesn't have the same effect. I used to NEED compliments to feel good, now they are just icing.

So yeah...speaking of the dreaded drivers license renewal...got mine done today and it was rather painless. I drive by a DMV every day on my way to work, it's about ten minutes from here and it is always way less crowded than the ones in town where I live. Knowing I would have some time to kill after the show and before I needed to get here I planned to stop today so I wouldn't be driving around with an expired license for who knows how long. I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN LINE WHEN I GOT THERE...granted I still had to wait, I think there is a rule that even if there is no one ahead of you and an employee is available they make you, just to keep you on your toes. I didn't care, cuz the last few times I have tried, I walked in and right back out because there were at least two dozen people ahead of me. Well, long story short, the extra time on my hair and the application of makeup paid off because UNLIKE last time, my picture this time is NOT heinous. It isn't good, but it isn't heinous...as far as I'm concerned, that new license can be the ONLY new thing I get for my birthday, and it will be enough.

two things

Don't really have the brain power for a witty or even sorta well thought out posting so just gonna comment on two things...

One, George W. gettin' shoes thrown at his head. I heard the story on my ride into work this morning...they said he got pegged in the head with the shoes (thrown by an Iraqi reporter, in case you hadn't heard), and while it struck me as ridiculously funny and I was laughing out loud, I have learned you can't always believe everything you hear on the radio. So, I watched the video, and well, he didn't actually get pegged, he ducked, and while it was still pretty damn funny, the thought occurred, "WTF? The secret service are supposed to stop BULLETS and they couldn't stop a SECOND shoe from flying across the room." It's a good thing ol' GW is still pretty spry...

Ok, two, every week after the doughnut run the Pea and I do our weekly shopping...would it be easier to do it without her, of course, but it isn't an option so I take her, I make do, and since I am getting more creative with the discipline and she is getting better behaved it really isn't that bad. Well, I had to call DH today to sort out some stuff and when I asked if he had time to talk he said "Yeah, I'm just at the store, it's IMPOSSIBLE to shop with the Pea so I'm doing it now before I pick her up." Oh really? I wouldn't know...

That's all I got, just wanted to share.

rambling

Ok day today...just got to Booya's after a little Christmas shopping detour. JD is headed to Afghanistan and I have designated him pack mule for the little goodie bags I'm sending. If you have ever spent a holiday on the road without your family you know how bad it can suck, well spend that holiday in THE most godforsaken place (other than maybe Sudan) on the planet, and well, I think you deserve a medal. Didn't find any medals, but I did find the tiniest Christmas tree EVER and a bunch of other cool stuff. I went out in search of presents for JJ and Boo...they still have nothing. I, on the other hand, have a new pair of Seven jeans (I may have to eat Ramen noodles for the rest of the month, but my ass will look fierce) and my boys have the above mentioned.

So I watched a pretty cool movie last night, Garden State. It wasn't at all what I expected, but it was very good. The soundtrack was GREAT. The guy from Scrubs (Zach B) wrote, directed and starred in it. It has a love story in it, and some quirky humor, but it is definitely NOT a romantic comedy. I managed to get all the laundry done while watching but my house is still thrashed and I have no idea what I packed to wear tomorrow...come to think of it, I have no idea what I packed for the Pea either...oopsie.

Well, nothin' like rambling incessantly about absolutely nothing...guess I better sign off and call it a night, maybe I will have something interesting to write tomorrow.

sunday morning

Well, we are back from the Sunday morning doughnut run already...little early for my taste, but the Pea was up at 5:30 and was ready to go. I am dragging, I am coming down with a cold and I feel like shit...everyone at work was sick last week and I was hoping to avoid getting it, but looks like I wasn't so lucky this time...yet another reminder I am not taking as good a care of myself as I should. I am already dreading going in tomorrow because I know there is no way I will get enough rest today to get feeling better.

Ok, well on another, better note...the other night I watched (again) that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie turns 35...last time I watched it I focused on the birthday aspect, when she ends up alone and sad and only saw the happy ending (where Big shows up) further evidence that my own birthday night would suck since no tall, dark, handsome man is gonna show up on my doorstep...this time I was able to see the real story line, which was the idea of soul mates. I was able to see the optimism in the episode rather than just the alone part. Toward the end, when Carrie is sitting in the diner with the girls and she says that sitting in the restaurant alone just made her want a man, a soul mate, someone she knew she could count on and Charlotte responds with something to the effect of "why can't we be each others soul mates and just have really great guys in our lives to have fun with" I thought about my girlfriends, my sister, even my Pea. They are my soul mates...they are the ones who complete me and make me feel whole, they are the ones I call when I need to talk, even if I don't have anything to say.

So, I got to thinkin' again about my birthday, and I intend to make the most of it this year. Instead of focusing on the negative in my life right now I am going to focus on the positive...the good stuff, and I am going to treat myself. Yesterday I booked a whole day at the spa...I still had the gift certificate I won at the Sex and the City premiere party (kinda ironic huh?) so I booked it. I will get up on the morning I turn 35, head over to the spa and emerge 6 hours later massaged, pedicured, facialed (don't think that is a word) and well fed with freshly colored and cut hair, ready to head out for a night on the town...with the girls...and if I spot any really great guys to have fun with? Well who knows...

happy hugging

Today is International Hug Day...how do I know this? Well my sign in page on Google has been customized to include not only the news, weather, horoscope, and Gmail, but also "Today's Reason to Drink" and "Bonehead of the Day Award." I thought I would add those to get an occasional laugh or pick me up when I needed one...to be honest, so far they have mostly been lame, but this morning, the reason to drink was International Hug Day. Bonehead of the day is Dollar Tree stores but that's beside the point. Ok, so I guess the idea is to go around hugging people.

I happen to be a hugger, I am one of those people who always greet others with a hug...of course when faced with a non-hugger, this sometimes makes for awkward moments. I also happen to be short so EVERYONE is taller than me which means if I go in and they pull back I am up on my tippy toes falling forward arms outstretched feeling foolish...especially bad when drunk. I have become particularly generous with the hugs in the last year since: one, I am not getting any smooches (and lets face it smooching beats hugging most of the time) and two, because MiMi says everyone needs 13 hugs a day...she always ended our sessions with a big ol' (usually me sobbing into her shoulder) bear hug.

So we know there are huggers and non-huggers, but have you ever noticed there are people who can openly throw out terms of endearment and then the rest of us. You know those ladies, usually in food service or health care who call you honey, or darlin' or sugar...I love those women. The lady who works the drive-thru at the bank I go to everyday always greets me with "Well hey there darlin'!" and it always makes me smile. The woman who works the drive-thru at the Dunkin Donuts I go to calls me sweetheart. Now I know they call everyone who comes through that, but I love it, and it makes me feel good. If I try to call anyone (other than the Pea or close friends) an endearment it always sounds weird and fake. Why is it that some people can throw it out there and make the receiver feel good, while others (like me and the creepy guy at the jiffylube) end up sounding awkward? Something to ponder...

Well while you ponder, I am gonna get to work...OR I could go find someone to hug...maybe my boss? Give him a hug, call him sugar...that wouldn't be awkward AT ALL. :)

whew

The office is quiet...just me and the cleaning lady. I always come in early on Tuesdays, but today it was especially important because I wasn't able to do anything at my desk yesterday. I had a crazy busy day with all kinds of running and stuff to do out of the office...I think I spent a total of 30 minutes at my desk...as a result, I have a stack of files and mail that I need to tend to before the day starts.

The last few days have been good...it was nice to get back to work yesterday, I had forgotten how exhausting staying at home with a kid can be. I love being with her, spending time and doing fun stuff, but wow...between her and mom, I was exhausted and ready to get back here. Managed to get my Christmas tree up and decorated over the weekend...it was a good thing mom was there; I am not the biggest, strongest, or most patient girl on the planet, and while I wrestled (and cussed) the tree, she wrestled the Pea. I honestly don't know how I would have managed to do it by myself with the Pea, there would have been a casualty, no doubt...well, luckily she was there, there were no casualties, we all came out unscathed, and I have a lovely 9 foot tall tree, decked out in all my favorite ornaments. Of course, taking it down by myself could be problematic...

Well, things here are starting to get busy...guess I better go or this stack of stuff on my desk will still be here tomorrow.

happy turkey day

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

So wow...mom got here yesterday and we had a really nice night. I don't know if it was that I was in a great mood and really relaxed after having a fantastic day, or we have both changed that much. We talked, REALLY talked last night, not just about weather and other stupid superficial stuff, but about life...and not just abstract impersonal ideas, but personal feelings, issues, etc. I decided when she came this time, I would adhere to the philosophy that one can never change another person, but can make changes within themselves that will change the relationship...I guess it worked...either that, or we each had enough, but not too much beer...

Ok, so here is where I list all the things I am thankful for today, because ultimately that is what this day is about right?

My healthy happy Pea, her smile, her laugh...and being able to hug and kiss her.
My health, despite not always taking the best care of myself, I am sooo lucky.
My Sistah...always there, always loving, always on my side, couldn't survive without her.
Family, the crazy, chaotic, sometimes frustrating...both blood and chosen.
Friends...the always loyal, always loving, talk me off a ledge, keep me sane, call my bullshit, make me laugh, let me cry, real good friends...especially my "really best in the whole world" buddy.
My job, the company I work for, my work family...again, I am soooo lucky.
My home, my cozy little house, the place I feel safe and secure.
Sunny days, the beach, a good cup of coffee, a perfectly made dirty martini, good sheets, great music, books...

I could keep going, list everything, but I would be here all day...I consider myself lucky in so many ways, thankful for everyone and everything in my life.

Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving!

getting there

The Pea is with her daddy again tonight. I just got off the phone with her and I miss her. Sunday nights are always nice, hectic and a little crazy, but nice, and it just isn't the same without her here. I am planning on getting some stuff done, stuff I never ended up doing yesterday, so it is probably a good thing she isn't here, but still sad about it and missing her.

So had a nice night last night. Went out with Gigi and the girls, did the whole grown up bar scene. I had fun, I can almost always have fun, regardless of where I go or who I am out with, but I realized last night how NOT cool I am. I was standing in the middle of the young, hip, rich crowd like a deer in headlights. On one hand I would like to think I could fit in, but on the other, why? I am who I am, and it's probably high time I faced the music. I am a single mom, almost 35 years old, I'm not young, hip or rich...I can't afford $15 drinks or designer clothes. I would like to get to where I could afford all the finer things, they are nice after all, but I am finding the things I enjoy the most aren't things...I am starting to really connect with people, and make friends and those connections are what get me through and bring me happiness.

For the first time in my life I have girlfriends, I have a circle of women that I feel comfortable with, that I like hanging out with, that I talk to everyday, and I really like. Even my relationship with Smash has gotten deeper and more real. This journey I have been on the last year, this finding myself, learning how to love, learning how to be open and honest has been excruciating. It is hard to break down walls that have been up for 30years, open old wounds so they can heal properly, learn to love and trust and be open when you never have...it is hard, but it is worth it. I thought when I started all this it was just about being a good mom, I am finding out it is about being a better person. The person I want to be is not just a good mom, but a good person, a great friend, and a good partner...the person I strive to be is open, honest, loving, caring, genuine, loyal, faithful, and happy...free from all the drama and negativity that has dominated my life for so long, and willing to take chances on and rely on other people, even if it means I could get my heart broken.

Ya know, this life of mine is far from ideal, I miss my kid all the time, have all kinds of guilt, and while I know I am getting there, I am far from that great girl I strive to be...the great thing? I am finally enjoying the ride.

draggin

Draggin' a little today...didn't sleep great (big surprise) and 5:30 came early, too early. The Pea and I had a great night, and I gotta give props to Chick-fil-A for their "family night." Not only do they have the free ice cream and entertainment for the kids, but they are NICE (imagine that!) and helpful. May sound silly but when you are in there, balancing a tray full of food and drinks, a wallet, a phone and coats and you have a three year old running wild, it is nice to have someone offer to help you...they don't do that anywhere else. Our good night was followed by a good morning, and the drive to work was uneventful...all good, and yet I feel kinda blah.

Hmmm, maybe I need more coffee...

Goin' to get coffee, more later.

crazy

Whew...been one of those crazy busy days...got to work at 7am and have been nonstop until just now. I love days like today because I never have a chance to think or worry, and once I get in the car to go home I am so glad to have the time to myself it doesn't seem like such a long drive. So speakin' of crazy busy...having some family drama, my grandmother is at it again...and I am so over drama. Apparently my grandmother thinks Smash and I are mad at her, she inferred this because we haven't been around to visit lately and is mad at my mom for not telling her why we are mad at her. She is very busy telling everyone (except me and Smash of course) about it. Well, we aren't mad, don't have a reason to be, and not once during all this (which has according to my mom, been going on for months) has she picked up the phone to call me, or Smash, to ask us if we are, in fact mad. Come to think of it she hasn't called period, not to check on either of us or ask us how we are, or even to just say hello.

Hmmmm, so a GROWN woman, instead of just calling to check on her granddaughter to ask her how she is and if she is mad, calls everyone else on the planet (including the granddaughter's EX husband) and creates a whole ridiculous crisis and gets mad at a neutral third party for not telling her why when there is no why...yeah, makes perfect sense...in drama land. I am so over the drama queen thing, so over her being a martyr and making everything about her...it never once occurred to her that I haven't been around because I HAVE BEEN BUSY. Uh, yeah lets see in the last few months I have had to: start a full time job, move, buy a car, completely change my whole life and all the while taking care of a 3 year old and all that that entails...hmmmmm, no nothing to do with that at all, must be something she did. Youngest is enough of a queen, thank you very much, we really don't need one of the drama variety in the family.

I hate it, I hate that there is ALWAYS some new drama with her, and yet I don't want to shut her out of my life. She is my grandma, she helped raise me (and Smash), she has a good heart and loves us...and yet she drives me crazy...I can't afford crazy right now. I am not strong enough to be able to just suck it up...it LITERALLY exhausts me to be around her. I am exhausted enough as it is, when I have a free day, the last thing I want to do is go visit her and be subjected to the ridiculousness.

Oh well...I guess that is enough ranting for one day...every family has a little crazy, a little drama, a few queens...right?

click clack moo

Last night I watched Casablanca...and can I just say, "WTF?" Apparently, I was the last adult alive on the planet who hadn't seen it, and since it is the greatest movie of all time was missing out...well I didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I wasn't moved to action or left questioning my life, all criteria in my mind for a great flick, and while I didn't feel like I wasted two hours of my life it's not one of MY all time favorite movies. Oh, and as far as the love story part...I guess I am more of the Bridget Jones Diary school of thought on how love stories should go: boy agonizes over girl, girl makes fool out of self for boy, boy finds this charming and lovely, boy and girl fall madly in love...cuz I didn't like it much...I didn't love Titanic either so I guess I'm just weird.

So anyway, I got the movie from the library...I went on Friday while the Pea was in school. I usually only go with her, so she can get books, and I end up grabbing whatever books I haven't read off of the new releases rack as quickly as I can before she starts pulling books down and wrecking the place. I don't ever get to really enjoy the experience, or browse, or sit on the floor in the middle of a stack reading like I used to before I had her. Friday I decided I would, and I must say, even though I know there are many who would disagree, I think the library is one of the best ways our tax dollars are spent. I know a lot of people don't take advantage, and it is a huge chunk of change, but I love it. I love that we have a place to go that is quiet and warm and filled with things I adore, all available to me, for free. Now I love the big ol' discount book stores with the coffee shops in them as well, and have spent many hours sitting on the floor reading in one of those too, but ultimately (because I can walk out with a big fat stack of books and not spend a dime) library wins, hands down.

I didn't even know the library had movies until Friday. I knew they had books on CD, because I have been checking them out and listening to them in the car, but I literally stumbled on the DVDs looking for a particular book on CD, and WOW! How cool is that? Don't have to rent them, don't have to buy them, now, when I want to watch a movie just check one out...sweet...course the selection is limited, but in browsing I noticed they had some pretty good ones, so I am excited.

Since the movies are only three day rentals and I have to return the movie today, I just asked the Pea to gather up all her library books so we can return them, and so I can write in peace...I am giggling as I write, because instead of gathering them up she is "reading" one of them, out loud. It happens to be one about cows who type Click Clack Moo and as I am click clacking away on my little laptop she is saying "click clack moo, click clack moo..." hee, hee...just a little visual I thought you would enjoy.

whoo hoo

Whoo hoo! I am taking the Pea up north for a week at Christmas...I am so relieved DH agreed to let me take her, and so damn excited about seeing the family, especially Smash and the boys. Smash is paying for the plane tickets (thanks lady!) and we have all agreed to cool it on presents and just enjoy being together. The Pea doesn't know yet, I think I will hold off on telling her because she doesn't really understand the concept of future yet. If I tell her we are going she will head out the door, and be pissed off as hell that I don't follow and drive her to the airport.

Smash and I have managed to get together every Christmas or Thanksgiving since the kids were born and I was afraid with what has been going on this year it might be the first that we weren't able. Having it all fall into place this morning was great...I needed a little boost. I didn't get much sleep last night, had to be to work early this morning and it is a cold, rainy, dreary day. On top of that I am in the middle of a project at work that is now at a standstill while we wait for some information from an outside source and I don't have jack shit to do.

Have you noticed BTW that all the stores and the malls have their decorations up and Christmas music playing? Isn't it a little early for that? Santa is going to be at our mall starting THIS WEEKEND...wow. I am all about the holidays...love 'em, but do we really need a month and a half...aren't a few weeks sufficient...and with the economy the way it is, seems to me it is a kinda cruel reminder to those folks who are going to have a sparse one...ok, hopping off my soap box...more later.

have fun with that

For those of you with Gmail you may or may not have noticed, but now they have video chat...yeah, when you sign on, up at the top of the screen with your settings etc is a new tag line NEW! Video Chat. Well yee haw, count me OUT.

Now I know for those of you dating long distance, or with new babies and parents out of town you probably think this is FABULOUS...I am thinking of the rest of us. I, for one, do most of my chatting at night, after I put the Pea to bed...I am sitting cross legged in my chair in front of the computer, face scrubbed clean, hair in a pony tail, PJs on, usually with a glass of wine in my left hand (cuz I type with my right) and bag of potato chips on my lap...I don't want anyone seeing me like that...the beauty of chatting online is you don't even have to be as engaged as you are on the phone. You can eat and drink and take pee breaks (granted some of you get the joy of all of these when you are on the phone with me, but you are in the minority, consider yourselves special) and the person you are chatting with only knows you are rolling your eyes if you tell them.

So to all of you racing out to buy those little cameras you clamp on your computer, or who already have them and are buzzing with excitement that you have a new way to use them...have fun with that! And don't be self conscious at all...really, the fact that whoever you are chatting with will see when you type something and then erase it all, when you sit there with a dumb look on your face while trying to determine the right word or spelling, when you inadvertently pick your nose, or worse your ass, or when you spill your wine down the front of yourself and jump up cussing while you take your shirt off (ok, maybe that one would just be me), wouldn't worry about it at all...seriously, have fun with that.

anyone seen my fairy godmother?

Ahhh, fall Sundays...gotta love 'em. Had a great day today, despite my team losing...the weather was perfect, had fun with the Pea and spent some quality time with one of my gfriends and her family. Ok, we got through the crazy birthday week and busy work week, things have settled down and are back to normal...why am I still so damn tired? I feel like I need to sleep for days. I slept great last night, and am feelin' good about most everything in my life right now, WTF? I don't like it much. I have a house that needs cleaning, laundry that needs to be done, and all kinds of assorted other domestic tasks that will only get done if I do them, and I am on the computer...brilliant...where the hell is that g-damn fairy godmother of mine?!

Wouldn't it be great if life were like the fairy tales sometimes...just wish upon a star and singing birds help with chores, a beautiful prince charming appears out of nowhere, and pumpkins turn into transportation with the flick of the wrist...of course with every prince charming there is a toad and every fairy godmother there is a wicked witch, and those carriages always turn back into pumpkins at the damnedest times...hmmm.

Well, since I really DO need to get a bunch of shit done before I start another week, I better get to it...that's the thing about Sundays I guess...they start out a day of rest and fun and turn into a night of scrambling to get ready for Monday...if only I could track down that bitch with the magic wand.