Today is day 3...day 3 is make a Break-Up Bible. The Break-Up Bible comes in handy when you throw on the break-up goggles and suddenly think it is a good idea to give it "one more try." Break-up goggles are similar to beer goggles in that they cloud your vision and perception, and turn an otherwise not very attractive person into THE most attractive person on the planet. Sometimes beer and break-up goggles get put on simultaneously, and that is ALWAYS bad. The Frisky suggests you actually print out things your friends have said, or write them down in a little notebook, and refer to them when necessary, thus creating your very own "bible" to refer to when what you want to do is pick up the phone and sob "I miss you..." I find sending frantic text messages to your friends works even better.
Today I found myself wearing the dreaded break-up goggles. I was driving down the road and happened to see The Boy driving in the other direction. In that moment I was suddenly very sad and lonely (or was it mad and horny?) and I forgot all the bad times, all the drama, all the heartache, all the fights, all the bullshit, and just saw "my guy." Next thing I knew, I was crying.
I pulled over and texted the following to Booya: call me, tlk me off the ledge, jst saw him & 4 whatevr reasn am sad & want 2 call him, so call me b4 i do!!
The phone rang, only it wasn't him, it was Smash, which was probably even better, because she is the one who knew it all, was there through it all, and knows me better than anyone. Off the ledge I came, and then I talked to Booya, and all was right in the world again.
I know we are better off apart, I know we are not a good fit, I know I need to move on, I just needed to hear it out loud, from someone else, and that is why listening to your friends is BRILLIANT advice. Anyone else out there who wants to chime in, go ahead, I can take it, I'm listening...I don't know that I will write it all down and keep a notebook in my wallet for quick reference, but I may text you and ask you to tell me again.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
never forget
It's day 2 of the break-up guide, which is "Tell your friends" and yeah, pretty much covered. Not only do my friends, his friends, everyone we work with and all my neighbors now know, but random people all over the planet who read this blog, some of whom don't even know me, know, so yeah...done.
Ok, moving on, because honestly on THIS day, a silly break-up just seems really insignificant and petty.
10 years ago, right now, I was standing in my bedroom, half dressed in my flight attendant uniform, sobbing, terrified, and completely stunned. We all know where we were and what we were doing, and it changed us.
My whole life changed, and I was one of the lucky ones who ONLY lost a job and my sense of security. I didn't lose a loved one.
Take a moment, no, take the whole damn day, to be grateful for what, and who, you have...and remember those less fortunate...vow to never forget and never assume we are safe from those who hate us...and make sure you tell those that you love that you do, because you never know when it is your last chance to do so.
Ok, moving on, because honestly on THIS day, a silly break-up just seems really insignificant and petty.
10 years ago, right now, I was standing in my bedroom, half dressed in my flight attendant uniform, sobbing, terrified, and completely stunned. We all know where we were and what we were doing, and it changed us.
My whole life changed, and I was one of the lucky ones who ONLY lost a job and my sense of security. I didn't lose a loved one.
Take a moment, no, take the whole damn day, to be grateful for what, and who, you have...and remember those less fortunate...vow to never forget and never assume we are safe from those who hate us...and make sure you tell those that you love that you do, because you never know when it is your last chance to do so.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
day 1
Ok how many of you remember the break-up guide? A little flashback if you don't, or weren't along on my journey back then: http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2009/07/30-days.html
Wellllll...here we are again!! Yay, me...only this time Booya is just tagging along for the ride and helping me out, since he doesn't happen to be broken hearted at the moment.
The break-up from The Boy happened just before leaving for FL, and as anyone who has gone through one can attest, getting the HELL out of dodge is good medicine. Unfortunately for me, I had to come back, and reality bitch slapped me right upside the head. Work was not much fun yesterday, and the evening drama was even less. I woke up this morning ready to face the day and get back to taking care of me and I'm starting with 30 days of whatever The Frisky thinks I need.
Day 1: Change your cell phone wallpaper.
Well, I didn't really need to do that, cuz the Pea is my subject of choice on my phone always, but I did have to change a ring tone, so that is gonna be my day 1. Back in the day, when I WANTED to hear from The Boy, I gave him and Smash the same ring tone, when I heard that one I knew it was someone I wanted to talk to. Well, that particular ring tone NOW sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me...I don't wanna hear it anymore. Smash will get a new one as well, just for her, and NEVER again will she share one.
Wellllll...here we are again!! Yay, me...only this time Booya is just tagging along for the ride and helping me out, since he doesn't happen to be broken hearted at the moment.
The break-up from The Boy happened just before leaving for FL, and as anyone who has gone through one can attest, getting the HELL out of dodge is good medicine. Unfortunately for me, I had to come back, and reality bitch slapped me right upside the head. Work was not much fun yesterday, and the evening drama was even less. I woke up this morning ready to face the day and get back to taking care of me and I'm starting with 30 days of whatever The Frisky thinks I need.
Day 1: Change your cell phone wallpaper.
Well, I didn't really need to do that, cuz the Pea is my subject of choice on my phone always, but I did have to change a ring tone, so that is gonna be my day 1. Back in the day, when I WANTED to hear from The Boy, I gave him and Smash the same ring tone, when I heard that one I knew it was someone I wanted to talk to. Well, that particular ring tone NOW sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me...I don't wanna hear it anymore. Smash will get a new one as well, just for her, and NEVER again will she share one.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
more soon
Well they have updated Blogger, and I think I will be able to actually publish this post...if you are reading, it obviously did.
I am currently parked in a hotel room in Florida; tomorrow is Betty's daughter's wedding and the Pea and I are here so we can attend. It is a much needed break from reality (as reality has not been fabulous lately) and a nice little mini vacation for the two of us. The Pea spent last week with her dad so we are in need of some much needed reconnection time, and after breaking things off with The Boy, I am in need of that "I'll just runaway from all that sucks right now" time.
We just had a nice little swim in the pool, after a most excellent prime rib dinner in the hotel restaurant, and I am ready to go to bed and get some much needed sleep.
More soon, I hope...thanks for reading, and encouraging, and being there, all of you who are.
xo
I am currently parked in a hotel room in Florida; tomorrow is Betty's daughter's wedding and the Pea and I are here so we can attend. It is a much needed break from reality (as reality has not been fabulous lately) and a nice little mini vacation for the two of us. The Pea spent last week with her dad so we are in need of some much needed reconnection time, and after breaking things off with The Boy, I am in need of that "I'll just runaway from all that sucks right now" time.
We just had a nice little swim in the pool, after a most excellent prime rib dinner in the hotel restaurant, and I am ready to go to bed and get some much needed sleep.
More soon, I hope...thanks for reading, and encouraging, and being there, all of you who are.
xo
Saturday, August 20, 2011
quality
A month!! It has been a damn month since I was able to get online and write.
OMG...so here is the skinny:
I got home from a crazy, fun filled (or not) loud weekend with my family and The Boy and immediately upon getting home, jumped on the computer. Well a few notices for updates popped up and my virus scan was busy so I went ahead with the updates and got busy doing something else. Fast forward to later that night, sign on to blogger and NOTHING...error. WTF, ok, whatever, they are having issues, going to bed.
The next day...same thing. Huh? Restart, sign in, still more problems, clearly that update effed up the computer...aggghhhhhhh.
Every night (or so) for the next week and a half I get on the damn thing and do everything I know to do to get it working. Cookies were deleted, programs were uninstalled and reinstalled, sign in, sign out, shut down, restart, help, tech support "Halloo my neme is Rom, hoo can elp you? No soory I no understand..." I am ready to throw it out the bedroom window and jump up and down clapping as it sails down to the driveway and shatters into a million pieces when the Pea says "MOMMY! You are ALWAYS on the computer, stop working and pay me some attention!" The computer has been off since then.
Well, the Pea is with her dad, I have figured out that Safari likes Blogger, and now I like Safari too (to hell with internet explorer) and here I am...
So, what is new?
Everything and nothing. It seems like life is crazy, and yet nothing ever changes...I am like a hamster running on a wheel and I want to get off, but I can't stop or slow down cuz it will upset the whole balance and quite possibly throw me off.
As a result of all the chaos I have had the overwhelming urge to clear out, get organized, and maybe? regain control. I am starting with my closet and hoping that by getting rid of the old, ugly, too small, and too big, I will feel less overwhelmed and claustrophobic. Ever feel like you just have too much stuff and it's weighing you down?
After the closet I will move on to the Pea's room. With her 100 miles away I might actually be able to get rid of something (or many, many, many somethings, fingers crossed) without hearing "NOOOOOO mommy, you CAN'T throw that away, I LOOOVE IT, it is my FAVORITE. TOY. EV-ER!"
Next will come the baskets of paperwork, bills, magazines, invitations for things already over (oops), expiration notices, phone numbers written on scraps of paper, craft projects that I HAD to keep even though I have about three thousand too many macaroni and bead "what is this again?" doodads, cards that I bought that never got sent, coupons I meant to use that are now expired, flyers for events that I meant to attend, recipes...etc, etc.
Last, but probably most important, will be my computer. I am pretty sure I don't care that someone I went to high school with, that I barely knew or cared about then, just scored 1000 bedazzled points...I also don't care to see the cleavage of some girl in a fuzzy picture taken at a bar by some other person I dated briefly and no longer give a shit about.
Seems like everyone professes to believe in quality over quantity but then proves otherwise in their day to day. I can't tell you how many shirts I have bought because they were a "good deal", that now hang in my closet because after I wore them once and washed them they looked like crap. My Brooks Brothers shirts on the other hand I have had for years and wear over and over...why don't I just buy Brooks Brothers now? Because then I would only be able to buy one shirt and doesn't it feel so much better to come home with a bag full? If I calculated out what each one costs per wear I would probably kick myself...that $10 shirt cost me $10 per wear, the BB probably pennies. It is time to clear out the quantity and invest in only quality from now on, and not just in shirts.
I don't need 400 "friends", but I do need to reconnect with the ones I really care about and want to maintain a relationship with. My daughter doesn't need 800 crappy little dollar store toys, but that Pooh bear that has now been through 6 years, and she loves like a sister, could be picked up off the floor and given a nice clean shelf to sit on. And maybe, If I had a better system for mail when it came in the house I wouldn't forget to send those birthday and thank you cards and the people who deserve to get them would know that I was thinking about them and grateful.
Wonder what else I have in my life that I would better off without?
I'm off to find out, have a happy weekend!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
are you a vampire?
Earlier today:
The Pea: "Mommy, are you a vampire?"
Me: "Uhm, no?" (WTH?!)
The Pea: "Hmmmm, are you a werewolf?"
Me: "NO! Why are you asking me, that's absurd."
The Pea: "You have sharp teeth, and I was just wondering."
Well that explains it then...
I thought, in light of that little conversation, I would go ahead and write down a few of the conversations we have on a regular basis, or have had that stuck in my head. Hope you get a kick out of them, but I am doing it more for me, so I remember them when she is older and no longer talks to me because I am her mom, and therefore lame.
The Pea: "Are you pooping?"
I get this every time I go in a bathroom, any bathroom.
Every. Single. Time.
"MOOMMMMMYYYYYY!"
Running upstairs, convinced when I get there she will be missing a limb..."What baby?!"
"The fish is died." (No, that's not a typo)
Oh thank God, it's just the fish...peering in the little tank...
"Nope, baby he is fine...see now he is swimming, he must have been sleeping." Do fish sleep?
This little scenario gets repeated each night for the next three nights.
The fourth night: "MOOMMMMMMMYYYYY! HE'S DIED, HE REALLY DIED THIS TIME!"
From downstairs, because I am over it. "NO, he is not! He is not dead, stop saying that, just feed him and he will start swimming."
A few minutes later from behind me "Mom."
"WHAT?!"
"Mom, look." In her hand is the fish.
Oopsie...
"Oh, yeah, he's really dead."
"Told you."
Upon finding my brand new patio furniture already starting to fall apart "Ahhh shit."
Without missing a beat: "Mom, shit is a bad word."
The other day riding in the car, out of nowhere:
"You can't ride in my Lamborghini cuz your butt's too big and the seat's too teeny."
"What are you singing?!"
And again, "You can't ride in my Lamborghini cuz your butt's too big and the seat's too teeny!"
?!?
Getting ready for camp, gathering all her stuff:
"Mom, I'm going to take God to camp today."
"Oh yeah? In your heart?"
"No, in my backpack."
"Oh really? Hmmmm."
Curious.
"Can I see?"
Big sigh, "Sure." Which sounds like Shuah*
And out of her backpack comes Jesus.
(Little background: My Aunt is a nun, she gave her a Jesus doll a few years ago at Christmas, I had forgotten about the doll until that moment.)
*A few more examples of how she says certain words:
Bird=Buhd
Car=Cah
Umbrella=Umbungha (this cracks me up)
Sister=Sistah
World=Wuhld
Water=Watah
Yellow=Lellow
Girl=Guhl
"Mom."
"What baby."
"What is dissipate?"
Yikes...uhm, ok "Well...it is when something kind of just goes away."
"Like dies?"
"No, no, jeez, uhm, ok...ya know when you fart (it was all I could think of at the moment) and at first it smells bad, but then it kind of just goes away? Well, it dissipates."
"Oh."
A few seconds pass, I see her thinking, she is scrunching up her face, and then:
"Well then how in the wuhld am I going to dissipate in graduation?"
And finally, one of my favorites:
"Youah the bestest mommy evah."
"Aww, thanks baby, you're the best daughter ever."
"I know."
The Pea: "Mommy, are you a vampire?"
Me: "Uhm, no?" (WTH?!)
The Pea: "Hmmmm, are you a werewolf?"
Me: "NO! Why are you asking me, that's absurd."
The Pea: "You have sharp teeth, and I was just wondering."
Well that explains it then...
I thought, in light of that little conversation, I would go ahead and write down a few of the conversations we have on a regular basis, or have had that stuck in my head. Hope you get a kick out of them, but I am doing it more for me, so I remember them when she is older and no longer talks to me because I am her mom, and therefore lame.
The Pea: "Are you pooping?"
I get this every time I go in a bathroom, any bathroom.
Every. Single. Time.
"MOOMMMMMYYYYYY!"
Running upstairs, convinced when I get there she will be missing a limb..."What baby?!"
"The fish is died." (No, that's not a typo)
Oh thank God, it's just the fish...peering in the little tank...
"Nope, baby he is fine...see now he is swimming, he must have been sleeping." Do fish sleep?
This little scenario gets repeated each night for the next three nights.
The fourth night: "MOOMMMMMMMYYYYY! HE'S DIED, HE REALLY DIED THIS TIME!"
From downstairs, because I am over it. "NO, he is not! He is not dead, stop saying that, just feed him and he will start swimming."
A few minutes later from behind me "Mom."
"WHAT?!"
"Mom, look." In her hand is the fish.
Oopsie...
"Oh, yeah, he's really dead."
"Told you."
Upon finding my brand new patio furniture already starting to fall apart "Ahhh shit."
Without missing a beat: "Mom, shit is a bad word."
The other day riding in the car, out of nowhere:
"You can't ride in my Lamborghini cuz your butt's too big and the seat's too teeny."
"What are you singing?!"
And again, "You can't ride in my Lamborghini cuz your butt's too big and the seat's too teeny!"
?!?
Getting ready for camp, gathering all her stuff:
"Mom, I'm going to take God to camp today."
"Oh yeah? In your heart?"
"No, in my backpack."
"Oh really? Hmmmm."
Curious.
"Can I see?"
Big sigh, "Sure." Which sounds like Shuah*
And out of her backpack comes Jesus.
(Little background: My Aunt is a nun, she gave her a Jesus doll a few years ago at Christmas, I had forgotten about the doll until that moment.)
*A few more examples of how she says certain words:
Bird=Buhd
Car=Cah
Umbrella=Umbungha (this cracks me up)
Sister=Sistah
World=Wuhld
Water=Watah
Yellow=Lellow
Girl=Guhl
"Mom."
"What baby."
"What is dissipate?"
Yikes...uhm, ok "Well...it is when something kind of just goes away."
"Like dies?"
"No, no, jeez, uhm, ok...ya know when you fart (it was all I could think of at the moment) and at first it smells bad, but then it kind of just goes away? Well, it dissipates."
"Oh."
A few seconds pass, I see her thinking, she is scrunching up her face, and then:
"Well then how in the wuhld am I going to dissipate in graduation?"
And finally, one of my favorites:
"Youah the bestest mommy evah."
"Aww, thanks baby, you're the best daughter ever."
"I know."
Saturday, July 9, 2011
lift off
Yesterday I watched the launch of the Space Shuttle Atlantis. I am lucky enough to work for a company that allows us to take a few hours a week to work out and my gym has tv screens at each treadmill. I raced to the gym yesterday at 11a.m. staked out the treadmill I wanted, which was really not a problem since there was only one other person in the whole place, and flipped to the news. I power walked through the countdown, and the delay, and then as I watched it liftoff, held my breath and started to cry. Not ugly sobbing cry (cuz that would have been weird) just shed a few tears for the end of an era.
I watched the very first shuttle launch as a kid, and can remember it like it was yesterday. I wanted to be a pilot, and to pilot the fastest, most technologically advanced aircraft into and back from space, well, that would have been the ultimate. I was, however, a scrawny, asthmatic girl, so after telling a few people (my father for one) of that dream, and being told in no uncertain terms that that was ridiculous, I just kept my little dream to myself.
The buildup to the launch was all over the news and I was obsessed, I wanted to be there, but since that wasn't an option, I was damn sure gonna watch it on tv. I couldn't sleep at all the night before...I didn't have an alarm clock, someone always woke me up, and I was told that no one was getting up to watch it, so I wasn't allowed. I tossed and turned getting up every half hour or so to see what time it was, and finally at just before 4a.m. I snuck downstairs and turned on the tv. I remember sitting right in front of it, with my legs crossed, leaning forward so I could hear (I knew if anyone got woken up because I had the tv on, I would be in deep shit). T-minus 6 I started holding my breath, then watched with amazement as it rose in the air. I wanted to applaud, I wanted to jump up and down, I wanted to run upstairs and tell my father what I had just saw and I wanted him to be just as excited as me. Instead I just sat there for awhile, and kept watching, and then turned off the tv and went back to bed. I looked it up yesterday, because I wanted to make sure I had remembered it right, and because I was curious to see how old I was at the time, and if it really did happen at 4a.m. like I remembered.
The Space Shuttle Columbia's first launch was April 12, 1981 at 0600 CST. I would have been 7, and since I lived on the west coast, it would have been 0400 local.
I also watched the launch of the Challenger...which for my generation became the "where were you when..." like the Kennedy assassination had been for the previous generations. I was in 7th grade science class, and my teacher was obsessed like I had been, had even applied to be the one who got to go up as part of the teacher in space program. She dragged in one of those tvs on a cart, set it up in front of the class, and we all watched. I remember how excited she was, she wouldn't stop fidgeting or talking, and she kept saying how this was history we were watching. When it blew up the whole class just sat there...we weren't quite sure what had happened, or what it really meant, we were all just stunned. The teacher started to cry, no one knew what to do, and then the bell rang and scared the crap out of us.
The only other memorable launch for me was one I was able to catch from the cockpit of an airliner. We were flying from Miami to Raleigh and the pilots called me up to see something. The three of us watched as it rose from what seemed like directly underneath us to above us and out of sight. I couldn't tell you which one it was, or what mission, but it is one of those experiences that I feel lucky to have had.
I am sad the program is ending...I think it is ridiculous that we are going to pay the Russians to take us into space when we can take ourselves, and I am perplexed with the reasoning that allows thousands of skilled, incredibly intelligent people to lose their jobs...doesn't make sense to me to have them on the unemployment payroll when they could be creating something, discovering something, or inspiring someone (a 7 year old girl perhaps?) by keeping their job.
I wonder what the true cost, long term, will be, to ending the program.
I watched the very first shuttle launch as a kid, and can remember it like it was yesterday. I wanted to be a pilot, and to pilot the fastest, most technologically advanced aircraft into and back from space, well, that would have been the ultimate. I was, however, a scrawny, asthmatic girl, so after telling a few people (my father for one) of that dream, and being told in no uncertain terms that that was ridiculous, I just kept my little dream to myself.
The buildup to the launch was all over the news and I was obsessed, I wanted to be there, but since that wasn't an option, I was damn sure gonna watch it on tv. I couldn't sleep at all the night before...I didn't have an alarm clock, someone always woke me up, and I was told that no one was getting up to watch it, so I wasn't allowed. I tossed and turned getting up every half hour or so to see what time it was, and finally at just before 4a.m. I snuck downstairs and turned on the tv. I remember sitting right in front of it, with my legs crossed, leaning forward so I could hear (I knew if anyone got woken up because I had the tv on, I would be in deep shit). T-minus 6 I started holding my breath, then watched with amazement as it rose in the air. I wanted to applaud, I wanted to jump up and down, I wanted to run upstairs and tell my father what I had just saw and I wanted him to be just as excited as me. Instead I just sat there for awhile, and kept watching, and then turned off the tv and went back to bed. I looked it up yesterday, because I wanted to make sure I had remembered it right, and because I was curious to see how old I was at the time, and if it really did happen at 4a.m. like I remembered.
The Space Shuttle Columbia's first launch was April 12, 1981 at 0600 CST. I would have been 7, and since I lived on the west coast, it would have been 0400 local.
I also watched the launch of the Challenger...which for my generation became the "where were you when..." like the Kennedy assassination had been for the previous generations. I was in 7th grade science class, and my teacher was obsessed like I had been, had even applied to be the one who got to go up as part of the teacher in space program. She dragged in one of those tvs on a cart, set it up in front of the class, and we all watched. I remember how excited she was, she wouldn't stop fidgeting or talking, and she kept saying how this was history we were watching. When it blew up the whole class just sat there...we weren't quite sure what had happened, or what it really meant, we were all just stunned. The teacher started to cry, no one knew what to do, and then the bell rang and scared the crap out of us.
The only other memorable launch for me was one I was able to catch from the cockpit of an airliner. We were flying from Miami to Raleigh and the pilots called me up to see something. The three of us watched as it rose from what seemed like directly underneath us to above us and out of sight. I couldn't tell you which one it was, or what mission, but it is one of those experiences that I feel lucky to have had.
I am sad the program is ending...I think it is ridiculous that we are going to pay the Russians to take us into space when we can take ourselves, and I am perplexed with the reasoning that allows thousands of skilled, incredibly intelligent people to lose their jobs...doesn't make sense to me to have them on the unemployment payroll when they could be creating something, discovering something, or inspiring someone (a 7 year old girl perhaps?) by keeping their job.
I wonder what the true cost, long term, will be, to ending the program.
Monday, July 4, 2011
red white and cranky
Is it possible for a 5 year old to have a nervous breakdown? If not, we are in the middle of the longest tantrum E-VER.
Every word has been whined, nothing is good enough or exactly what she wants, she is hot, she is cold, she can't get comfortable, and I am about to LOSE it.
I can't write because I can't concentrate.
The fireworks going off all over the place aren't helping. She wants to be out there enjoying the show, I want her to go the f*%! to sleep...neither of us are getting what we want. There are two cranky girls in NC tonight.
We had a good weekend, and got to celebrate our 4th yesterday, but I think I will plan on taking next 5th of July off. Truth is I want to be out there enjoying the show too, without having to worry about that alarm that is set to go off at 5:30 in the morning, and I suspect if we WERE out there, doing something fun, she would not be Miss Bratty Pants...or she would be, but I would have had enough "mommy juice" to think it was cute and laugh it off. Either way, much better moods all around, and a lesson learned for next year.
Happy 4th y'all!
Every word has been whined, nothing is good enough or exactly what she wants, she is hot, she is cold, she can't get comfortable, and I am about to LOSE it.
I can't write because I can't concentrate.
The fireworks going off all over the place aren't helping. She wants to be out there enjoying the show, I want her to go the f*%! to sleep...neither of us are getting what we want. There are two cranky girls in NC tonight.
We had a good weekend, and got to celebrate our 4th yesterday, but I think I will plan on taking next 5th of July off. Truth is I want to be out there enjoying the show too, without having to worry about that alarm that is set to go off at 5:30 in the morning, and I suspect if we WERE out there, doing something fun, she would not be Miss Bratty Pants...or she would be, but I would have had enough "mommy juice" to think it was cute and laugh it off. Either way, much better moods all around, and a lesson learned for next year.
Happy 4th y'all!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
20 years
I just got the invite to my 20 year high school reunion. I knew it was coming, and unfortunately I won't be attending because of a schedule conflict, but it got me thinking about the me I was then, versus the me I am now. Despite it feeling like it has been no where near two decades, more like two blinks of the eye, quite a bit has changed...and definitely for the better. I wish I could write my teenage self a letter, tell her how things are now...I wish if I could she would actually listen. I think it would go something like this:
Dear K,
Well, you made it...you got through, got yourself a diploma, and now it's time to move on, except, well...don't, SLOW DOWN, enjoy your summer.
Get to know your sister, she ends up becoming your best friend, and she needs you now. When you will realize this you not only will feel really guilty, but really sad that you didn't do it sooner.
Instead of just trying to graduate, try to enjoy college...take a few of those classes that you WANT to take, instead of just the ones you HAVE to take. You don't end up graduating on time anyway so you might as well.
Oh, and regarding that, the reason you don't is because instead of trusting your gut and calling off that wedding, you go through with it, and it ends badly...TRUST YOUR GUT, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.
You aren't Martha Stewart, you CAN'T be perfect, no matter how hard you try. You can't control much of anything, much less everything, and Martha ends up going to jail so stop wasting your time trying to be her.
You aren't super model skinny, but you ARE thin enough and pretty enough, so take off that stupid cover up when you are in Mexico, you will look at pictures of yourself 20 years from now and think "damn, I looked good back then."
You will spend about a bazillion dollars on every cream and serum that advertises a dramatic reduction in the appearance of fine lines and sun spots and you will be disappointed in every. single. one. Save yourself some money, WEAR SUNSCREEN.
Regarding men, if your first instinct is that he is a douche, you are right. He is. Oh, and that guy, that guy that you have been pining over...he is gonna call in about 10 years and guess what? Your heart is NOT going to skip a beat, you are NOT going to run off together into the sunset and have the greatest love affair of all time, matter of fact you aren't even going to know who the hell he is when you first answer the phone...you can stop pining.
The next 20 years will fly by.
You won't accomplish what you think you should, it's ok. Contrary to what you want to believe, you will find out you are more ordinary than extraordinary, but again, it's ok. You aren't as smart as you think, nor as fat. Stop taking yourself, and life, so damn seriously, no one gets out alive so you might as well enjoy it while you can.
K
Dear K,
Well, you made it...you got through, got yourself a diploma, and now it's time to move on, except, well...don't, SLOW DOWN, enjoy your summer.
Get to know your sister, she ends up becoming your best friend, and she needs you now. When you will realize this you not only will feel really guilty, but really sad that you didn't do it sooner.
Instead of just trying to graduate, try to enjoy college...take a few of those classes that you WANT to take, instead of just the ones you HAVE to take. You don't end up graduating on time anyway so you might as well.
Oh, and regarding that, the reason you don't is because instead of trusting your gut and calling off that wedding, you go through with it, and it ends badly...TRUST YOUR GUT, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.
You aren't Martha Stewart, you CAN'T be perfect, no matter how hard you try. You can't control much of anything, much less everything, and Martha ends up going to jail so stop wasting your time trying to be her.
You aren't super model skinny, but you ARE thin enough and pretty enough, so take off that stupid cover up when you are in Mexico, you will look at pictures of yourself 20 years from now and think "damn, I looked good back then."
You will spend about a bazillion dollars on every cream and serum that advertises a dramatic reduction in the appearance of fine lines and sun spots and you will be disappointed in every. single. one. Save yourself some money, WEAR SUNSCREEN.
Regarding men, if your first instinct is that he is a douche, you are right. He is. Oh, and that guy, that guy that you have been pining over...he is gonna call in about 10 years and guess what? Your heart is NOT going to skip a beat, you are NOT going to run off together into the sunset and have the greatest love affair of all time, matter of fact you aren't even going to know who the hell he is when you first answer the phone...you can stop pining.
The next 20 years will fly by.
You won't accomplish what you think you should, it's ok. Contrary to what you want to believe, you will find out you are more ordinary than extraordinary, but again, it's ok. You aren't as smart as you think, nor as fat. Stop taking yourself, and life, so damn seriously, no one gets out alive so you might as well enjoy it while you can.
K
Sunday, June 19, 2011
dad's day
It's Father's Day...the day we celebrate and cherish our fathers, thank them for being our hero's, and if we are lucky, spend time with them. I have two fathers, a biological one, and a real one. My real dad I met when I was 5 or 6 six years old, when he started dating my mom. I was living with my biological one at the time, was a little girl, being raised by a single dad, in the 1970's...It is fairly rare now, back then it was almost unheard of. Looking back on it, I realize how hard it must have been for him, and despite only being in his early thirties, how he did a pretty good job. I have memories of being very lonely and wanting more attention from him, but also of plenty of times when it was just him and I, doing something fun, creative, exciting, or active. I remember him trying to teach me to play tennis, helping him lay a brick patio, accompanying him to work at his office and the hospital. I would have been the age the Pea is now, and as I raise her, and try and balance a full time job and personal life with being a good mommy, I understand how difficult it was for him and how much patience and love he must have had for me. I also remember falling in love with the man who was falling in love with my mom, and feeling very lucky that I could end up with two dads.
When I was eight years old I moved in with my mom and her new husband, the man I now call Dad. I asked if I could...on a whim, one day when I was feeling particularly lonely, I told him I wanted to live with mom and Smash, he agreed, and a few weeks (or months, I am really not sure) later, my father drove me to their house, his old Ford pickup filled with all my furniture, clothes, toys, and books. When we arrived he stopped the truck and before I got out he said "You understand this is permanent right? You can't change your mind, or go back and forth." I hadn't, and while I certainly couldn't have understood the complex legal battle that had taken place for the last 4 years, or all the pain and resentment that had built between my parents, until he said that, I hadn't given it any thought at all. I just knew I missed my mom and my sister and I wanted to feel like a part of a family, but all of a sudden, in that instant, I realized I had made a huge decision, and I wasn't sure if it was the right one. Since that was well before I had my own child, and was able to admit I DIDN'T know everything, I just nodded and said "yeah, I know."
Two years later Mom, Dad, Smash, our two dogs, and I, moved to the other side of the continent, about as far away from our old life as we could get without leaving the country. The relationship with my biological father disintegrated after that and I haven't seen him in 25 years...haven't spoken to him in 17. He doesn't wish me Happy Birthday, I don't wish him Happy Father's Day...he didn't see me graduate high school or college, get married (either time), become a mother, become a single mother, he wasn't there to check out my house when I bought it, he has never said "I'm proud of you". I won't be the one who takes care of him when he is too old to take care of himself, or the one who stands up at his funeral to tell others what a fine man and father he was.
I have learned, both by having, and being, a flawed parent, that good parenting (and some days, when it is all you can manage, good enough parenting) is about choosing, every day, to BE a parent. It isn't enough to just be, to just love, to just live...you must choose to SHOW that you are available, open, loving, caring, committed, and grateful. Some days it is easy, you feel good, stress is low, they are cute and sweet...other days it is work, it feels like your world is collapsing, they are out of control, mean, or bratty. For some it comes easy, those that have great partners, great support systems and families, plenty of money, and ample opportunity...for some it comes naturally, those that had great parents themselves, are in a good place in their life, and are genuinely happy...for the rest of us, it is a constant fumbling, stumbling, and learning, punctuated by moments of brilliance and joy.
My real dad had his share of stumbling and fumbling, but he was there. He made a choice to BE in my life, and in the life of my daughter. He will get a phone call today, a wish for a happy day...not the other guy...and the pain I feel today, the little piece of my heart that breaks because of it, reminds me that in order for my daughter to not feel this way, ever, I need to choose love, choose forgiveness, and choose a life that allows her have both her parents, and any subsequent step parents, in her life, always.
For those of you who can't pick up the phone and call, or spend the day with, your dad, for whatever reason, I'm sorry...for those of you who can, make sure he knows how much you appreciate him. For all you guys out there who have changed countless diapers, run many a bath, kissed a million boo-boos, read a story so many times you have it memorized, who don't consider watching your kids babysitting, who can't imagine your kiddo graduating or getting married without being you being there, who take your grandchildren any chance you get, not just when you are asked, who show strangers pictures and beam with pride: Happy Father's Day!!
To my dad, Poppi: thanks, Happy Father's Day, I love you.
To DH: thanks, Happy Father's Day, I think we are doing a pretty good job.
When I was eight years old I moved in with my mom and her new husband, the man I now call Dad. I asked if I could...on a whim, one day when I was feeling particularly lonely, I told him I wanted to live with mom and Smash, he agreed, and a few weeks (or months, I am really not sure) later, my father drove me to their house, his old Ford pickup filled with all my furniture, clothes, toys, and books. When we arrived he stopped the truck and before I got out he said "You understand this is permanent right? You can't change your mind, or go back and forth." I hadn't, and while I certainly couldn't have understood the complex legal battle that had taken place for the last 4 years, or all the pain and resentment that had built between my parents, until he said that, I hadn't given it any thought at all. I just knew I missed my mom and my sister and I wanted to feel like a part of a family, but all of a sudden, in that instant, I realized I had made a huge decision, and I wasn't sure if it was the right one. Since that was well before I had my own child, and was able to admit I DIDN'T know everything, I just nodded and said "yeah, I know."
Two years later Mom, Dad, Smash, our two dogs, and I, moved to the other side of the continent, about as far away from our old life as we could get without leaving the country. The relationship with my biological father disintegrated after that and I haven't seen him in 25 years...haven't spoken to him in 17. He doesn't wish me Happy Birthday, I don't wish him Happy Father's Day...he didn't see me graduate high school or college, get married (either time), become a mother, become a single mother, he wasn't there to check out my house when I bought it, he has never said "I'm proud of you". I won't be the one who takes care of him when he is too old to take care of himself, or the one who stands up at his funeral to tell others what a fine man and father he was.
I have learned, both by having, and being, a flawed parent, that good parenting (and some days, when it is all you can manage, good enough parenting) is about choosing, every day, to BE a parent. It isn't enough to just be, to just love, to just live...you must choose to SHOW that you are available, open, loving, caring, committed, and grateful. Some days it is easy, you feel good, stress is low, they are cute and sweet...other days it is work, it feels like your world is collapsing, they are out of control, mean, or bratty. For some it comes easy, those that have great partners, great support systems and families, plenty of money, and ample opportunity...for some it comes naturally, those that had great parents themselves, are in a good place in their life, and are genuinely happy...for the rest of us, it is a constant fumbling, stumbling, and learning, punctuated by moments of brilliance and joy.
My real dad had his share of stumbling and fumbling, but he was there. He made a choice to BE in my life, and in the life of my daughter. He will get a phone call today, a wish for a happy day...not the other guy...and the pain I feel today, the little piece of my heart that breaks because of it, reminds me that in order for my daughter to not feel this way, ever, I need to choose love, choose forgiveness, and choose a life that allows her have both her parents, and any subsequent step parents, in her life, always.
For those of you who can't pick up the phone and call, or spend the day with, your dad, for whatever reason, I'm sorry...for those of you who can, make sure he knows how much you appreciate him. For all you guys out there who have changed countless diapers, run many a bath, kissed a million boo-boos, read a story so many times you have it memorized, who don't consider watching your kids babysitting, who can't imagine your kiddo graduating or getting married without being you being there, who take your grandchildren any chance you get, not just when you are asked, who show strangers pictures and beam with pride: Happy Father's Day!!
To my dad, Poppi: thanks, Happy Father's Day, I love you.
To DH: thanks, Happy Father's Day, I think we are doing a pretty good job.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
yummy
I'm home from a lovely weekend with The Boy. We went out of town and spent our time at a most amazing resort, The Umstead. We had THE best meal either of us had ever had (granted, a five star restaurant you should not walk out of thinking "meh" but still). It got me thinking about some of the best food I had ever had and as a bit of a nod to the show on the Food Network "The Best Thing I Ever Ate" I thought I would share.
Well, obviously, the meal on Saturday...but the highlight was the cauliflower chowder. I have never had cauliflower chowder, must admit, never even heard of it, but now I want it for every meal for the next oh, twenty years or so. It was amazing. We started the meal with the apricot and mascarpone scones and I loved them so much I got the recipe. The Boy couldn't believe they gave it to me, but I suspect they are so confident in my ability to NOT be able to recreate them that they were like "sure lady, knock yourself out...moohhahahahahhaha." For our second course we both had the Caesar, it was by far the most interesting presentation ever, and I loved that they give you a whole anchovy on the side...I could have done with another 3 or 4, but since most people don't like them, I could see how they would mostly go to waste. I had the chicken, The Boy had the steak, both were phenomenal.
As a Carolina gal I have had my fair share of BBQ, and yes, I have been to Memphis, and had it there too, but THE BEST BBQ on the planet, as far as I'm concerned is at Dinosaurs in Rochester NY. NY BBQ you say?! No way...YES WAY, and it's worth the trip. Fly up for a weekend (preferably in the summer so you don't have to deal with the absurd snow or wind), stay at the Sheraton Four Points, and walk over to Dinosaurs. You will know the direction to head upon walking outside cuz you can smell it in the air. They cook the meat outside and it makes you want to come and eat it. Get the Carolina plate, which laughably is not even close to Carolina BBQ, but is the best none the less. They pair it with the most amazing slaw (again, nothing like Carolina slaw, but awesome) and baked beans. Orgasm on a plate, happy times.
Regarding pork...there is one other way that I love it, on a Cuban sandwich. Usually my notorious clumsiness brings me nothing but misery and embarrassment. Strolling through the streets of South Beach, it scored me a sandwich. I stumbled upon a little hole in the wall Cuban joint...literally stumbled, on a crack in the pavement, and bit it. As I was picking myself up and dusting myself off I looked to my left at the assorted Cubans staring back at me from what appeared an outdoor bar, only inside. I know that sounds crazy, but it was one of those places with the big open window and lots of fans, and a dirty floor, and SOMETHING smelled incredible. To this day, I don't think I could find my way back to it, or even if it still exists, but I was hungry, and tired, and had just eaten the sidewalk, so I figured a beer and a bite of some real food was needed. My graceful gringo ass was the only white one in there and no one spoke English but me...I somehow managed a beer ("uno, dos, cerveza, tequila, gracias" pretty much sums up my Spanish, but comes in incredibly handy) and their special, which as it turned out was the Cuban. Just the sandwich, no fries, not fancy. It was the most perfect combination of pork, ham, mustard, pickle, and cheese on to die for bread. I'm sure at any little Cuban place in South Beach you can get a great Cubano, but for me, that was the best, and if I am ever stumbling around in Florida I hope to get another one.
I couldn't possibly write about food without mentioning doughnuts, now could I? No, of course not...for the record, the best I have had came from Duck Donuts in Kitty Hawk, NC. They make them fresh when you order them and you pick the topping. They are cake style, so if you are a Krispy fan, you probably won't like as much, but I LOVED them. Last, but not least, well before my travel days, back in the day when the only cheese we had in the house came in a big white box and resembled Velveta, but wasn't, if you grew up in the 70's and were poor you know all about government cheese. When spaghetti was a half of a box of noodles, a can of tomato paste and water...yeah, I shudder when I think about too, and we only had eggs if the chickens laid some and we stomped our happy asses outside and collected them, we got one treat, once in a blue moon, that I MUST share. This is one of those treats that you must not think about, read the labels on the ingredients, or monitor your intake...it is junk, plain and simple, it is terrible for you, and it is terrible for your kids, but they were a little taste of heaven as far as I was concerned, back in a period in my life when food was not in abundance, and I was hungry all the time, and we rarely got anything sweet, and they made my little heart sing.
Go to your nearest, local neighborhood, grocery. Buy one can of whompom biscuits, you know, the ones that come in a can, that you whomp on the counter to open, they are like 3 for a dollar. One little thing of vegetable oil, the cheapest they have, it will probably be like 85 cents, and a small bag of confectioners sugar. Make sure when they bag them they put it all in a small PAPER bag. Take it all home, heat up the oil, get all the biscuits out of the can and cut out the centers with a tiny cookie cutter, or knife if you don't have one. Fry up those bad boys, the outer rings and the little centers, and when they are golden brown dump them in the paper bag with the sugar and "shake 'em like a Polaroid picture." There you have it, my mama's doughnuts, and my mama has a hard time boiling water, so you know they are easy.
Oh wow, now I am hungry again, and I just had dinner and need to go to bed. Sweet dreams.
Well, obviously, the meal on Saturday...but the highlight was the cauliflower chowder. I have never had cauliflower chowder, must admit, never even heard of it, but now I want it for every meal for the next oh, twenty years or so. It was amazing. We started the meal with the apricot and mascarpone scones and I loved them so much I got the recipe. The Boy couldn't believe they gave it to me, but I suspect they are so confident in my ability to NOT be able to recreate them that they were like "sure lady, knock yourself out...moohhahahahahhaha." For our second course we both had the Caesar, it was by far the most interesting presentation ever, and I loved that they give you a whole anchovy on the side...I could have done with another 3 or 4, but since most people don't like them, I could see how they would mostly go to waste. I had the chicken, The Boy had the steak, both were phenomenal.
As a Carolina gal I have had my fair share of BBQ, and yes, I have been to Memphis, and had it there too, but THE BEST BBQ on the planet, as far as I'm concerned is at Dinosaurs in Rochester NY. NY BBQ you say?! No way...YES WAY, and it's worth the trip. Fly up for a weekend (preferably in the summer so you don't have to deal with the absurd snow or wind), stay at the Sheraton Four Points, and walk over to Dinosaurs. You will know the direction to head upon walking outside cuz you can smell it in the air. They cook the meat outside and it makes you want to come and eat it. Get the Carolina plate, which laughably is not even close to Carolina BBQ, but is the best none the less. They pair it with the most amazing slaw (again, nothing like Carolina slaw, but awesome) and baked beans. Orgasm on a plate, happy times.
Regarding pork...there is one other way that I love it, on a Cuban sandwich. Usually my notorious clumsiness brings me nothing but misery and embarrassment. Strolling through the streets of South Beach, it scored me a sandwich. I stumbled upon a little hole in the wall Cuban joint...literally stumbled, on a crack in the pavement, and bit it. As I was picking myself up and dusting myself off I looked to my left at the assorted Cubans staring back at me from what appeared an outdoor bar, only inside. I know that sounds crazy, but it was one of those places with the big open window and lots of fans, and a dirty floor, and SOMETHING smelled incredible. To this day, I don't think I could find my way back to it, or even if it still exists, but I was hungry, and tired, and had just eaten the sidewalk, so I figured a beer and a bite of some real food was needed. My graceful gringo ass was the only white one in there and no one spoke English but me...I somehow managed a beer ("uno, dos, cerveza, tequila, gracias" pretty much sums up my Spanish, but comes in incredibly handy) and their special, which as it turned out was the Cuban. Just the sandwich, no fries, not fancy. It was the most perfect combination of pork, ham, mustard, pickle, and cheese on to die for bread. I'm sure at any little Cuban place in South Beach you can get a great Cubano, but for me, that was the best, and if I am ever stumbling around in Florida I hope to get another one.
I couldn't possibly write about food without mentioning doughnuts, now could I? No, of course not...for the record, the best I have had came from Duck Donuts in Kitty Hawk, NC. They make them fresh when you order them and you pick the topping. They are cake style, so if you are a Krispy fan, you probably won't like as much, but I LOVED them. Last, but not least, well before my travel days, back in the day when the only cheese we had in the house came in a big white box and resembled Velveta, but wasn't, if you grew up in the 70's and were poor you know all about government cheese. When spaghetti was a half of a box of noodles, a can of tomato paste and water...yeah, I shudder when I think about too, and we only had eggs if the chickens laid some and we stomped our happy asses outside and collected them, we got one treat, once in a blue moon, that I MUST share. This is one of those treats that you must not think about, read the labels on the ingredients, or monitor your intake...it is junk, plain and simple, it is terrible for you, and it is terrible for your kids, but they were a little taste of heaven as far as I was concerned, back in a period in my life when food was not in abundance, and I was hungry all the time, and we rarely got anything sweet, and they made my little heart sing.
Go to your nearest, local neighborhood, grocery. Buy one can of whompom biscuits, you know, the ones that come in a can, that you whomp on the counter to open, they are like 3 for a dollar. One little thing of vegetable oil, the cheapest they have, it will probably be like 85 cents, and a small bag of confectioners sugar. Make sure when they bag them they put it all in a small PAPER bag. Take it all home, heat up the oil, get all the biscuits out of the can and cut out the centers with a tiny cookie cutter, or knife if you don't have one. Fry up those bad boys, the outer rings and the little centers, and when they are golden brown dump them in the paper bag with the sugar and "shake 'em like a Polaroid picture." There you have it, my mama's doughnuts, and my mama has a hard time boiling water, so you know they are easy.
Oh wow, now I am hungry again, and I just had dinner and need to go to bed. Sweet dreams.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
booowing
I know I promised once a week, and I just wrote last night, but it is quiet in my house, I just finished a book, and I'm a little sad. See, the reason it is quiet is the Pea is at the neighbor's house. The neighbor's house is kid paradise. There is a trampoline, a swing set, a playroom, and most important, lots of kids, four actually. I was so proud of myself, sacrificing a garage and a nice big house to instead buy in a prime school district and so happy when I realized I lived in one of those neighborhoods where you could let the kids out the back door and say "go play!" and now, unfortunately, it is pissing me off. I'm glad the Pea has neighborhood kids to run with, and the run of the block, and I am glad I know she is safe and will be sent home to eat or if she misbehaves...what I don't like is that she would rather be at any other house than ours, and with any one but me. Apparently our house is boring...matter of fact she flat out said it, when I went over there to make sure she was ok and ask her if she was ready to come home "NOOOOOOO mommmmm, I wanna stay heeeeeere...pleeeeeeease, our house is boooowing."
We don't have a trampoline, or a swing set, or a play room, a wii or an xbox or koolaid, and we don't have any other kids. The Pea has finally reached the age where mom is not the coolest person on the planet...and mom is having a hard time with that. It is also contributing to my desperately wanting another baby...except not really, cuz when I think about the 9 (10) months of pregnancy, the year of breastfeeding, the potty training, the mess, the chaos, the lack of sleep, the exhaustion so deep you feel it in your bones, the terror of all things bad that you envision happening to your baby every. single. moment. of. every. day...oh my God, I need a nap just thinking about it...but then again...
Once it was fairly well decided (by whom I am still not sure) that the Pea would be my one and only I became acutely aware that I must savor every single moment and not once try and rush through a stage or utter the phrase "It will be better when she..." and yet it is STILL going by waaaay too fast. As I sit here typing what I really want to do is go outside and yell over the fence for her to come home, but then what? She is right, our house is boring...it is cozy and lovely and I love it, but I am not 5 and she is not as entertained by books without pictures and vodka as I am. Grown-ups love my house, kids, not so much. It doesn't help I have (or rather had) white sofas and a no jumping, eating, drinking, or wrestling with the dog, in the living room policy.
I want to be one of those adults that kids love...ya know the ones that can play, really play, get dirty, and have fun, but I'm not...when I think play and get dirty there are absolutely no children involved and my sense of humor is more sarcasm driven than bathroom joke driven. My kid doesn't get me at all, the only time I can make her laugh, really belly laugh anyway, is when I hurt myself and cuss. She finds all manner of "grown up words" HI-larious. I have tried to temper my potty mouth, since it is by far one of the worst on the planet, but to no avail. I have kind of given up and explained that cussing, like drinking booze and eating dark chocolate, is reserved for mommies and daddies, and since answering her question of "How did I get out your belly?" honestly, she wants no part of any of it. Every once in awhile she will ask for clarification on what constitutes a "mommy word" but for the most part she knows anything I yell after stubbing my toe or breaking something is off limits until she passes a tiny human out her lady bits. And, cuz I know you are thinking it, to the question of how she got IN my belly in the first place, I answered "God put you there after I prayed for you." I try and be as honest as possible with her, but there ARE limits.
So here I sit, in my boring house, even the dog looks bored for cryin' out loud, thinking of ways I can be more fun so that my kid will want to hang out with me. *sigh*
Oh hell...I'm gonna make a martini and watch her play in the neighbors yard from the comfort of my deck, and then when she is good and worn out I will call her home and put her to bed and watch her sleep. Every parent knows that their kids are at their absolute best and cutest when they are sound asleep. I may be boring, but I ain't stupid.
We don't have a trampoline, or a swing set, or a play room, a wii or an xbox or koolaid, and we don't have any other kids. The Pea has finally reached the age where mom is not the coolest person on the planet...and mom is having a hard time with that. It is also contributing to my desperately wanting another baby...except not really, cuz when I think about the 9 (10) months of pregnancy, the year of breastfeeding, the potty training, the mess, the chaos, the lack of sleep, the exhaustion so deep you feel it in your bones, the terror of all things bad that you envision happening to your baby every. single. moment. of. every. day...oh my God, I need a nap just thinking about it...but then again...
Once it was fairly well decided (by whom I am still not sure) that the Pea would be my one and only I became acutely aware that I must savor every single moment and not once try and rush through a stage or utter the phrase "It will be better when she..." and yet it is STILL going by waaaay too fast. As I sit here typing what I really want to do is go outside and yell over the fence for her to come home, but then what? She is right, our house is boring...it is cozy and lovely and I love it, but I am not 5 and she is not as entertained by books without pictures and vodka as I am. Grown-ups love my house, kids, not so much. It doesn't help I have (or rather had) white sofas and a no jumping, eating, drinking, or wrestling with the dog, in the living room policy.
I want to be one of those adults that kids love...ya know the ones that can play, really play, get dirty, and have fun, but I'm not...when I think play and get dirty there are absolutely no children involved and my sense of humor is more sarcasm driven than bathroom joke driven. My kid doesn't get me at all, the only time I can make her laugh, really belly laugh anyway, is when I hurt myself and cuss. She finds all manner of "grown up words" HI-larious. I have tried to temper my potty mouth, since it is by far one of the worst on the planet, but to no avail. I have kind of given up and explained that cussing, like drinking booze and eating dark chocolate, is reserved for mommies and daddies, and since answering her question of "How did I get out your belly?" honestly, she wants no part of any of it. Every once in awhile she will ask for clarification on what constitutes a "mommy word" but for the most part she knows anything I yell after stubbing my toe or breaking something is off limits until she passes a tiny human out her lady bits. And, cuz I know you are thinking it, to the question of how she got IN my belly in the first place, I answered "God put you there after I prayed for you." I try and be as honest as possible with her, but there ARE limits.
So here I sit, in my boring house, even the dog looks bored for cryin' out loud, thinking of ways I can be more fun so that my kid will want to hang out with me. *sigh*
Oh hell...I'm gonna make a martini and watch her play in the neighbors yard from the comfort of my deck, and then when she is good and worn out I will call her home and put her to bed and watch her sleep. Every parent knows that their kids are at their absolute best and cutest when they are sound asleep. I may be boring, but I ain't stupid.
Friday, June 3, 2011
magic
The week turned out to be pretty good. Having to work for only 4 of the 7 days contributed to the fabulousness, but so too did the Pea. She was particularly well behaved and neither of us ended up a puddle of tears on the floor, as is usually the case at least once a week. We are in full swing planning our next Disney vacation and I allow one video (who knew youtube had videos of the parades and shows? not I, until I was desperate to find ANYTHING Disney to bribe her with on a particularly difficult night, many moons ago) each night that she behaves and gets ready for bed on her own without too much trouble. We have been immersed in Disney magic every night.
I went 36 years without a single trip to Disney World (other than a ridiculous night on Paradise Island in Downtown Disney back in the day...oh to be young and hot again, and have the energy to dance all night *big sigh*). I was so excited I was pinging, and upon arriving in "the World" last year, to celebrate the Pea's birthday, I became an addict, it was everything I had built it up to be, and more. Turns out, Magic is worse than heroin. I can't get enough. I think I was home a week when I booked our trip for this year. As we are approaching the 6 month out mark, and can soon book our dining reservations, the planning is in full swing. See, and just one short year ago I knew NOTHING of this, in order to get the "good" dinners (those with characters and such) you have to book SIX MONTHS OUT...yeah, you read it right, SIX MONTHS. I don't know what I want for breakfast tomorrow, much less in December, but because I will not have my baby girl denied the opportunity to dine with the princesses, my usually lazy (and tired) ass will be signing on at 6a.m. the morning of the 180th day out, to book us reservations. Yes, I am crazy...but you already knew that.
Well, in order to know where you want to eat on any given day, you must decide which park, and in order to decide which park there are all kinds of factors to take into consideration: whether or not they have certain shows or parades, whether or not there are extra hours, historical crowds, etc, etc. I have a spreadsheet it is so damn complicated. It is a good thing my job requires so little brain power on a daily basis or I wouldn't have the reserves to keep my Disney shit together. I must admit, however, I love it...and just thinking about what we will do when, and what we will eat when, makes me smile. Again, it's like heroin, and I'm an addict. Smash is completely disgusted, she tried an intervention last year (as she and her family were along on my crazy spreadsheet carrying "fun filled" ride) but finally gave up and just decided instead to stop enabling. She declined (if I remember correctly her exact words were "f*&k no...no way, maybe a couple years from now") my offer to join us this year.
Now, I realize there are some who wing it, and it turns out fine, but those are people who don't mind standing in line, and also have the patience of Job, I am not one of those people. We waited on one line last year and I nearly LOST. MY. MIND. The Pea and I waited one hour to ride the Peter Pan thing because it was one of those "must do" rides and upon exiting I was PISSED. The line itself was absurd...I so wanted to just collapse, like all the two year olds were doing, and lay on the floor crying, but since the Pea was quietly standing and proceeding like a big girl, I didn't want to give her any ideas. Well, then the big hairy guy in front of us farted, and with no where to go (at least a hundred people in front of us, a million or so behind us, and no way in hell I was gonna lose our place in line as I was pretty sure I had been there at least a year) I had no choice but to just stand there and gag...on the bright side, HE was the one with the very good chance of shit in his pants, and as bad as it was for me, I wasn't the one who would have to deal with that later. Every time we got to where I was SURE we were next, another row of people appeared out of nowhere and were ushered in front of us (I later found out these were the smart people who took advantage of Fastpass...I am now one of those people). We finally, got to the front of the line, in the little car that will take us on the ride of all rides, the best ride EVER, the reason we have endured all we have, and we are off. FOUR MINUTES later we stumble out into the light. Never, again...I now have a rule...if the wait is more than 15 minutes, we don't need to do it. I can't imagine waiting for an hour to eat, or to shake hands with a character. NO F*&KING WAY. The magic fades when mama, or Pea, is pissed and hungry.
Speaking of pissed, the Pea is getting that way now, as I promised her a video before I started writing and it has taken me longer than the 30 seconds she was counting on. I better go and let her watch so we can both get some sleep. Tomorrow is National Doughnut Day, and anyone who knows me or the Pea knows, we likey our doughnuts...it is probably best we be well rested before we cram ourselves full of the little fried cakes, spin ourselves into a sugar rush tizzy, and then collapse into food comas. Enjoy your weekend, try to stay cool, and eat a doughnut, or three.
I went 36 years without a single trip to Disney World (other than a ridiculous night on Paradise Island in Downtown Disney back in the day...oh to be young and hot again, and have the energy to dance all night *big sigh*). I was so excited I was pinging, and upon arriving in "the World" last year, to celebrate the Pea's birthday, I became an addict, it was everything I had built it up to be, and more. Turns out, Magic is worse than heroin. I can't get enough. I think I was home a week when I booked our trip for this year. As we are approaching the 6 month out mark, and can soon book our dining reservations, the planning is in full swing. See, and just one short year ago I knew NOTHING of this, in order to get the "good" dinners (those with characters and such) you have to book SIX MONTHS OUT...yeah, you read it right, SIX MONTHS. I don't know what I want for breakfast tomorrow, much less in December, but because I will not have my baby girl denied the opportunity to dine with the princesses, my usually lazy (and tired) ass will be signing on at 6a.m. the morning of the 180th day out, to book us reservations. Yes, I am crazy...but you already knew that.
Well, in order to know where you want to eat on any given day, you must decide which park, and in order to decide which park there are all kinds of factors to take into consideration: whether or not they have certain shows or parades, whether or not there are extra hours, historical crowds, etc, etc. I have a spreadsheet it is so damn complicated. It is a good thing my job requires so little brain power on a daily basis or I wouldn't have the reserves to keep my Disney shit together. I must admit, however, I love it...and just thinking about what we will do when, and what we will eat when, makes me smile. Again, it's like heroin, and I'm an addict. Smash is completely disgusted, she tried an intervention last year (as she and her family were along on my crazy spreadsheet carrying "fun filled" ride) but finally gave up and just decided instead to stop enabling. She declined (if I remember correctly her exact words were "f*&k no...no way, maybe a couple years from now") my offer to join us this year.
Now, I realize there are some who wing it, and it turns out fine, but those are people who don't mind standing in line, and also have the patience of Job, I am not one of those people. We waited on one line last year and I nearly LOST. MY. MIND. The Pea and I waited one hour to ride the Peter Pan thing because it was one of those "must do" rides and upon exiting I was PISSED. The line itself was absurd...I so wanted to just collapse, like all the two year olds were doing, and lay on the floor crying, but since the Pea was quietly standing and proceeding like a big girl, I didn't want to give her any ideas. Well, then the big hairy guy in front of us farted, and with no where to go (at least a hundred people in front of us, a million or so behind us, and no way in hell I was gonna lose our place in line as I was pretty sure I had been there at least a year) I had no choice but to just stand there and gag...on the bright side, HE was the one with the very good chance of shit in his pants, and as bad as it was for me, I wasn't the one who would have to deal with that later. Every time we got to where I was SURE we were next, another row of people appeared out of nowhere and were ushered in front of us (I later found out these were the smart people who took advantage of Fastpass...I am now one of those people). We finally, got to the front of the line, in the little car that will take us on the ride of all rides, the best ride EVER, the reason we have endured all we have, and we are off. FOUR MINUTES later we stumble out into the light. Never, again...I now have a rule...if the wait is more than 15 minutes, we don't need to do it. I can't imagine waiting for an hour to eat, or to shake hands with a character. NO F*&KING WAY. The magic fades when mama, or Pea, is pissed and hungry.
Speaking of pissed, the Pea is getting that way now, as I promised her a video before I started writing and it has taken me longer than the 30 seconds she was counting on. I better go and let her watch so we can both get some sleep. Tomorrow is National Doughnut Day, and anyone who knows me or the Pea knows, we likey our doughnuts...it is probably best we be well rested before we cram ourselves full of the little fried cakes, spin ourselves into a sugar rush tizzy, and then collapse into food comas. Enjoy your weekend, try to stay cool, and eat a doughnut, or three.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
i'm baaaaaack
A lot has happened since I wrote last. I am still crazy, but my life is not so much. I have a new house, in a new town, and a new job, which I am slowly but surely settling into and allowing myself to enjoy, despite the little voice in my head that whispers "REALLY?!"
For my dear friends and readers I make only this promise as I go forward: every week, once a week, I will write something. I hope to have funny stories and witty anecdotes and make the time you spend reading enjoyable, but I may only have a line or two of babble...stick with me, practice makes perfect, right? And by perfect I mean: not terrible.
I am able to sit down and write today, in this blog, versus one that remains private, because I have the time to delete and rewrite, and delete and rewrite again, and think and write, etc, etc. The Pea is with her dad. Most of the weekends I spend alone I cram FULL of all sorts of activities and chores and before I know it I am running to pick her up, hardly noticing at all that she has been gone. This weekend, however, I purposely did not schedule anything and at about noon yesterday, when the reality of that hit me, I started to panic a bit. The Pea's dad, instead of the usual meet halfway, was going to pick her up at school, which meant two and a half hours of my time was now, mine. Then work gave us the word that we would get out early, and oh holy hell, an entire afternoon with NOTHING to do.
I decided to go shopping, not because I needed anything, but because I would be able to wander aimlessly, instead of the usual in and out with a map and a plan and the steely determination of a soldier. I would be able to try things on without the whole dressing room hearing "mommy, do you have a baby in your belly, cuz it's getting BIIIG" or "mommy, your butt is jiggly, why is your butt jiggly mommy?" or all of TJMaxx seeing me run nekkid into the accessories section because she decides I have spent entirely too much time in the dressing room and walks out, despite my having JUST gotten undressed.
I spent an hour in the store and $80, all on the Pea, and tried on nothing. It was still early afternoon and I needed a few things, so I went to Target. Since learning about the Pledge of Allegiance the Pea has been pledging every flag we come across (which has been exhausting for her this week, since there is one on every lamp post in my town) and after me to buy one for the house. I went into the store with a plan for: one hose (since it was probably high time we stopped borrowing the neighbors to fill up the kiddie pool), one American flag, one case of beer, and sunscreen. Two hours later I had a cart full of who knows what else, but everything I came for. At that point I was ready to go home, and I was full of energy. I was gonna clean my house, organize the junk basket (a whole drawer is not nearly big enough for me), and cook a nice big dinner, oh yeah...it was on...and then the lights went out in the store. A huge thunderstorm had hit while I was shopping, it was pouring rain, and the electricity was out.
I tried for awhile to wait it out, but people get a little kooky when the power goes out, and it was getting hot, and I just wanted to go home. I got home with a car full of soaking wet stuff (most of which I didn't need in the first damn place), was soaked and cold myself, and all grand plans went out the window. I got into my pjs, opened a bottle of wine, a carton of hummus and some crackers, and cozied up to the DVR. I was in bed at 6pm. My holiday weekend was off to an exciting start.
On the bright side, I am now raring to go, and the neighbors have a big plan: the community pool, opening day. Why am I going to brave a thousand screaming kids and smoking hot concrete when I don't have to? I am not sure, but I am off to do just that. Have a safe and happy holiday weekend y'all, and remember the reason for it. Too many men and women have died in battle to keep this country free and safe, we should honor them every day, but since we sometimes forget, take a moment this weekend to do so. Think about the families that are one (or more) fewer so that our little corner of the world is a safe democracy.
For my dear friends and readers I make only this promise as I go forward: every week, once a week, I will write something. I hope to have funny stories and witty anecdotes and make the time you spend reading enjoyable, but I may only have a line or two of babble...stick with me, practice makes perfect, right? And by perfect I mean: not terrible.
I am able to sit down and write today, in this blog, versus one that remains private, because I have the time to delete and rewrite, and delete and rewrite again, and think and write, etc, etc. The Pea is with her dad. Most of the weekends I spend alone I cram FULL of all sorts of activities and chores and before I know it I am running to pick her up, hardly noticing at all that she has been gone. This weekend, however, I purposely did not schedule anything and at about noon yesterday, when the reality of that hit me, I started to panic a bit. The Pea's dad, instead of the usual meet halfway, was going to pick her up at school, which meant two and a half hours of my time was now, mine. Then work gave us the word that we would get out early, and oh holy hell, an entire afternoon with NOTHING to do.
I decided to go shopping, not because I needed anything, but because I would be able to wander aimlessly, instead of the usual in and out with a map and a plan and the steely determination of a soldier. I would be able to try things on without the whole dressing room hearing "mommy, do you have a baby in your belly, cuz it's getting BIIIG" or "mommy, your butt is jiggly, why is your butt jiggly mommy?" or all of TJMaxx seeing me run nekkid into the accessories section because she decides I have spent entirely too much time in the dressing room and walks out, despite my having JUST gotten undressed.
I spent an hour in the store and $80, all on the Pea, and tried on nothing. It was still early afternoon and I needed a few things, so I went to Target. Since learning about the Pledge of Allegiance the Pea has been pledging every flag we come across (which has been exhausting for her this week, since there is one on every lamp post in my town) and after me to buy one for the house. I went into the store with a plan for: one hose (since it was probably high time we stopped borrowing the neighbors to fill up the kiddie pool), one American flag, one case of beer, and sunscreen. Two hours later I had a cart full of who knows what else, but everything I came for. At that point I was ready to go home, and I was full of energy. I was gonna clean my house, organize the junk basket (a whole drawer is not nearly big enough for me), and cook a nice big dinner, oh yeah...it was on...and then the lights went out in the store. A huge thunderstorm had hit while I was shopping, it was pouring rain, and the electricity was out.
I tried for awhile to wait it out, but people get a little kooky when the power goes out, and it was getting hot, and I just wanted to go home. I got home with a car full of soaking wet stuff (most of which I didn't need in the first damn place), was soaked and cold myself, and all grand plans went out the window. I got into my pjs, opened a bottle of wine, a carton of hummus and some crackers, and cozied up to the DVR. I was in bed at 6pm. My holiday weekend was off to an exciting start.
On the bright side, I am now raring to go, and the neighbors have a big plan: the community pool, opening day. Why am I going to brave a thousand screaming kids and smoking hot concrete when I don't have to? I am not sure, but I am off to do just that. Have a safe and happy holiday weekend y'all, and remember the reason for it. Too many men and women have died in battle to keep this country free and safe, we should honor them every day, but since we sometimes forget, take a moment this weekend to do so. Think about the families that are one (or more) fewer so that our little corner of the world is a safe democracy.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
signing off
If you are a regular to this blog you may have noticed I haven't written lately. I don't think I will be writing much more at all...not publicly. I have enjoyed the journey and it has taught me a lot and allowed me to grow, but every journey must come to an end and I am here. I am embarking on a new one: new adventures, new relationships, new challenges. I will continue to write...maybe one day manage to get a book together, but the "journal" type writing that has been this blog for so long is at an end...it is hard being exposed, opening yourself to everyone, and allowing everyone in...I need a break.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for reading.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
home
I'm home...well, actually I've been home for a few days, but you wouldn't know it since my suitcases are still full of crap and sitting in the middle of the hall. Not only are they unsightly, they impede movement through the house. I put them there to motivate me...I know myself well enough to realize that if I put them out of sight they will remain there, possibly through the new year. Instead of motivating me to unpack and do laundry, however, they have instead just pissed me off and forced me to step over them EVERY time I need to walk down the hall. I keep scheduling time to go ahead and just get it all put away, but then I find other, much more important, things to do, such as facebook friending people and chatting online.
Not only do I have much laundry and cleaning to do, but the Pea is insisting we put up the Christmas tree and decorate the house. There are three females in my house, no males. The tallest of us is only 5'2" and one of them has fur and no thumbs so is absolutely no help AT ALL. Why I chose a NINE FOOT Christmas tree, I am still not sure, but the thought of dragging that thing into the house and getting it set up is a bit overwhelming. Add to that, the fact that I don't own a ladder...well, you can imagine.
Wish me luck...I am off to unpack and decorate (and by that I mean: go watch football).
Not only do I have much laundry and cleaning to do, but the Pea is insisting we put up the Christmas tree and decorate the house. There are three females in my house, no males. The tallest of us is only 5'2" and one of them has fur and no thumbs so is absolutely no help AT ALL. Why I chose a NINE FOOT Christmas tree, I am still not sure, but the thought of dragging that thing into the house and getting it set up is a bit overwhelming. Add to that, the fact that I don't own a ladder...well, you can imagine.
Wish me luck...I am off to unpack and decorate (and by that I mean: go watch football).
Thursday, November 26, 2009
thanks
I'm on vacation this week...I'm hangin' in New England with my family and trying to avoid the computer; I wanted to check in, though, and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, and give a few updates. Ok...Happy Thanksgiving! I am off Match again and suspect I will drop the account when I get to the end of my 6 months. It was a fun ride, I learned a lot about dating (since I had never really done it), and I am glad that it is an option for meeting new people; I am just tired of it...regardless of how much fun a ride, sooner or later, you gotta get off. I am gonna join the gym that Dancergirl goes to as soon as I get home. It boiled down to most bang for the buck and that particular one has the most classes...I like classes, especially yoga. I still don't have a job, but I applied for one last week that I REALLY want, cross your fingers for me.
Alright...I am off to enjoy the family, the food, and the football...it is going to be a damn near perfect day for me. In case YOU are huddled in a corner with your laptop and a bottle of vodka in order to avoid dealing with your crazy family though (just sayin'...not like I have ever been there or anything) and want some light reading, here are a few of my favorite older posts:
http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/11/happy-turkey-day.html
http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/06/boo-boos-vs-boobies.html
http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/08/hazards-of-being-single.html
Thank you all for reading, for being a part of my lovely life, and for your support and encouragement when I needed it the most...thank you, thank you, thank you!
Alright...I am off to enjoy the family, the food, and the football...it is going to be a damn near perfect day for me. In case YOU are huddled in a corner with your laptop and a bottle of vodka in order to avoid dealing with your crazy family though (just sayin'...not like I have ever been there or anything) and want some light reading, here are a few of my favorite older posts:
http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/11/happy-turkey-day.html
http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/06/boo-boos-vs-boobies.html
http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/08/hazards-of-being-single.html
Thank you all for reading, for being a part of my lovely life, and for your support and encouragement when I needed it the most...thank you, thank you, thank you!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
oh dear
Oh dear God I hurt...every muscle in my body is sore...I think I strained my spleen. A workout queen I am, NO LONGER. I think it speaks volumes about the class and the teacher that I am equally sore all over, she worked us good, however, as a result I am unable to perform any duty that requires movement. I am having trouble typing.
I am one of those people that actually loves working out...I really do like it...I like to sweat, I like the burn, I love the endorphin release...I do not like being out of shape. Right now, I am out of shape. I started running a few months ago, even though I HATE it and am no good at it, because I was struggling to find time to do anything else and it is the fastest way to get your heart rate up. Now that I do have time for workouts, other than running, I am on a mission to get back in shape and yesterday I tried to cram 6 months worth of aerobics and weights into 2 hours. I KNOW better, and I still couldn't stop myself.
So now that I am back in to the game it is time to join a gym. The gym I used to go to is out of business and I have 4 others to choose from that are nearby. The one I want to join is crazy expensive so that one is out, that leaves 3 others. Dancergirl is a member at one, the one I went to yesterday and had my ass kicked at...Betty is a member at another, and it is like the Dancergirls', only nicer (and a bit pricier) and the last is the "singles" gym. The singles gym is not ACTUALLY a gym for singles, it's not like you check your wedding band at the door, it just has the reputation of being the place where all the young, single, hotties workout.
Every gym seems to have a personality, and a certain clientele. Betty's is the one where all the "housewives" go during the day and do hours and hours of Pilates...they all have long lean bodies and perfectly coiffed hair. At Dancergirls' there is an interesting mix of gym rats, retirees, and real mommies...the gym rats are quietly working themselves to rock hard bodies, the retirees are swimming or wandering aimlessly, the mommies are trying to workout as fast as they can so they have a few minutes of peace and quiet to talk to another adult or take a shower before they have to pick up their little ones from the child care. The singles gym is a ghost town during the day, except for the occasional bartender or college student, because their clientele is all working...come 5:30, the place is mobbed with the young, hip, in shape, and perfectly attired. I don't really fit at any of them, but I have to make a decision and join one so I can get back in shape.
Checking out all these gyms and taking more classes will require me getting up out of this chair however, and I am not sure that is an option. I am sending signals from my brain to my legs, but my legs are not listening..and I can't lift my arms...and oh ouch...laughing hurts too. Oh dear...
I am one of those people that actually loves working out...I really do like it...I like to sweat, I like the burn, I love the endorphin release...I do not like being out of shape. Right now, I am out of shape. I started running a few months ago, even though I HATE it and am no good at it, because I was struggling to find time to do anything else and it is the fastest way to get your heart rate up. Now that I do have time for workouts, other than running, I am on a mission to get back in shape and yesterday I tried to cram 6 months worth of aerobics and weights into 2 hours. I KNOW better, and I still couldn't stop myself.
So now that I am back in to the game it is time to join a gym. The gym I used to go to is out of business and I have 4 others to choose from that are nearby. The one I want to join is crazy expensive so that one is out, that leaves 3 others. Dancergirl is a member at one, the one I went to yesterday and had my ass kicked at...Betty is a member at another, and it is like the Dancergirls', only nicer (and a bit pricier) and the last is the "singles" gym. The singles gym is not ACTUALLY a gym for singles, it's not like you check your wedding band at the door, it just has the reputation of being the place where all the young, single, hotties workout.
Every gym seems to have a personality, and a certain clientele. Betty's is the one where all the "housewives" go during the day and do hours and hours of Pilates...they all have long lean bodies and perfectly coiffed hair. At Dancergirls' there is an interesting mix of gym rats, retirees, and real mommies...the gym rats are quietly working themselves to rock hard bodies, the retirees are swimming or wandering aimlessly, the mommies are trying to workout as fast as they can so they have a few minutes of peace and quiet to talk to another adult or take a shower before they have to pick up their little ones from the child care. The singles gym is a ghost town during the day, except for the occasional bartender or college student, because their clientele is all working...come 5:30, the place is mobbed with the young, hip, in shape, and perfectly attired. I don't really fit at any of them, but I have to make a decision and join one so I can get back in shape.
Checking out all these gyms and taking more classes will require me getting up out of this chair however, and I am not sure that is an option. I am sending signals from my brain to my legs, but my legs are not listening..and I can't lift my arms...and oh ouch...laughing hurts too. Oh dear...
Monday, November 16, 2009
wrong shui, again
Wow...it has been almost a week...yikes. Things have been going well...a few funk days, but overall still enjoying the whole unemployment deal and trying to stay focused and productive. Today I went to the gym with Dancergirl and we took an hour and a half aerobics class that left us both totally exhausted. It was great being back in there and it got me motivated to get a bunch of stuff done this afternoon. Was off the radar last week because I went out of town to see JD, Elliott, Booya, Dr Cox, and NY. JD bought a house a while back and had his housewarming on Thursday night...it made me remember this old post and I thought I would re-run it since there is much to do, a game starting soon, and I don't have a story...enjoy: http://crazyincarolina.blogspot.com/2008/09/wrong-shui.html
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
crazy carnival ride
*Cue the crazy carnival music*
I am back on the Match ride...oh lord.
My profile has been invisible for quite some time now; I got overwhelmed with the whole deal, and really liked both Philly and Coach and didn't want to date anyone else, so I just bagged it, and disappeared. After Philly and I called it quits I thought about going back on, but right about that time Coach became a little more available, I started hanging with NY some and thought maybe, AND I lost my job so didn't feel like I had all that much to offer a perspective mate. I still had the membership, cuz it was one of those 6 month deals, but I wasn't doing much with it...until today. Today, I became visible again, even though I DIDN'T realize it, and now I am considering jumping back in. Of course, I could go back NOW (that I do know) and make it invisible again, but that would require some work (sign in, click, key stroke, sign out) and I dunno...it WILL give me something to write about...hmmmmmm.
See...the way Match works, even if you have an invisible profile, people who have contacted you in the past can still contact you (thus the whole NewPhilly deal, which BTW, no...no, no, no, no...met him, nice guy...uhm, NO) and they continue to send you matches every day, on the off chance that one catches your eye, I guess. I suppose I could cancel my membership all together, and make them stop sending the emails, but since things with Coach seem to be a remote possibility at best, and neither NY or I are ready to make the jump past buds, I have kept it. I continue to look at the emails every day, and always at the back of my mind thought: IF someone catches my eye I will sign back in, send them an email, and make my profile visible BUT, that has yet to happen. Part of the problem is when I originally signed up I had a very broad search criteria (male, pulse, living in NC) so, the matches they have been sending lately have been eh at best, and living mostly 200 miles away.
[Long story longer]
Today, when I got the email and ALL lived in a city not anywhere near here, I finally decided f*ck it, I'm gonna go in and change my criteria, get REALLY picky (male, pulse, living within 30 miles of here, under 45, non-smoker). In order to do this you have to sign in, go to the profile section, and edit. The profile section is all about you and what you are looking for...I went through, changed a few things, and saved it. A screen popped up with a disclaimer something to the effect of "are ya sure this time jackass? and oh by the way if you wanna make your profile invisible go to the blah blah blah blah whatever..." I just clicked ok, signed off, and didn't give it another thought other than "finally, I might get some dudes that actually interest me."
When I came back to the computer tonight I had 7 emails from Match...three of them messages from guys I have never seen before. WTF? Uh, oh...
APPARENTLY, when you make any change AT ALL to your profile, they send it in for approval and then make it visible, REGARDLESS of the status beforehand...had I read the disclaimer all the way through I would have known that....ahahahahahahahahaaaa.
Here we go again....wheeeeeeeee.
The problem for me is this: regardless of what you say you WANT, any guy who wants to can contact you, and the ones that you want to, may not. I am trying to keep an open mind and give some of the guys a chance because Booya, Dr Cox, and all my girls think I need to expand my horizons, BUT...just so y'all get an idea of the caliber of guys contacting me, why I got overwhelmed in the first place, and WHY I latched on to the only two that I clicked with AT ALL...here are two of the emails I got JUST TODAY...cut and pasted, I am not making this shit up:
your to funny say what you mean and mean what you say...so how are you doin?
A hi, hello, something would have been good, and I think what he meant was "you're too funny..." and then some sort of sign off would have been good as well, but that's just me...next.
funny lady!!you are so sweet and super sexy.i love your smile it is the sunshine in chapel hill.i like you moreso because you are so wonderful and a princess and id love to know you.
Ok, let's forget for just one second the creeptacularness that this message exudes and lemme point out two big giant things 1)my smile is the sunshine in a city? huh? I am confused, I tend to want to actually understand the men I am dating and 2) on NO planet am I a princess (and not all that sweet, but ok) not even close...I even say in my profile "I am one of the guys, and it is starting to piss me off...I am not ready to give up football or beer, but I want to be the girlfriend, rather than the buddy." Seriously...does that sound like something a princess would say?
Not sure if that is carnival ride music or the soundtrack from Psycho I am hearing, but mind is open...I am ready...to...gooooooo...maybe...oh...dear...God...I will let you know tomorrow if I have hung in there or if I am invisible again...anyone got any Dramamine?
I am back on the Match ride...oh lord.
My profile has been invisible for quite some time now; I got overwhelmed with the whole deal, and really liked both Philly and Coach and didn't want to date anyone else, so I just bagged it, and disappeared. After Philly and I called it quits I thought about going back on, but right about that time Coach became a little more available, I started hanging with NY some and thought maybe, AND I lost my job so didn't feel like I had all that much to offer a perspective mate. I still had the membership, cuz it was one of those 6 month deals, but I wasn't doing much with it...until today. Today, I became visible again, even though I DIDN'T realize it, and now I am considering jumping back in. Of course, I could go back NOW (that I do know) and make it invisible again, but that would require some work (sign in, click, key stroke, sign out) and I dunno...it WILL give me something to write about...hmmmmmm.
See...the way Match works, even if you have an invisible profile, people who have contacted you in the past can still contact you (thus the whole NewPhilly deal, which BTW, no...no, no, no, no...met him, nice guy...uhm, NO) and they continue to send you matches every day, on the off chance that one catches your eye, I guess. I suppose I could cancel my membership all together, and make them stop sending the emails, but since things with Coach seem to be a remote possibility at best, and neither NY or I are ready to make the jump past buds, I have kept it. I continue to look at the emails every day, and always at the back of my mind thought: IF someone catches my eye I will sign back in, send them an email, and make my profile visible BUT, that has yet to happen. Part of the problem is when I originally signed up I had a very broad search criteria (male, pulse, living in NC) so, the matches they have been sending lately have been eh at best, and living mostly 200 miles away.
[Long story longer]
Today, when I got the email and ALL lived in a city not anywhere near here, I finally decided f*ck it, I'm gonna go in and change my criteria, get REALLY picky (male, pulse, living within 30 miles of here, under 45, non-smoker). In order to do this you have to sign in, go to the profile section, and edit. The profile section is all about you and what you are looking for...I went through, changed a few things, and saved it. A screen popped up with a disclaimer something to the effect of "are ya sure this time jackass? and oh by the way if you wanna make your profile invisible go to the blah blah blah blah whatever..." I just clicked ok, signed off, and didn't give it another thought other than "finally, I might get some dudes that actually interest me."
When I came back to the computer tonight I had 7 emails from Match...three of them messages from guys I have never seen before. WTF? Uh, oh...
APPARENTLY, when you make any change AT ALL to your profile, they send it in for approval and then make it visible, REGARDLESS of the status beforehand...had I read the disclaimer all the way through I would have known that....ahahahahahahahahaaaa.
Here we go again....wheeeeeeeee.
The problem for me is this: regardless of what you say you WANT, any guy who wants to can contact you, and the ones that you want to, may not. I am trying to keep an open mind and give some of the guys a chance because Booya, Dr Cox, and all my girls think I need to expand my horizons, BUT...just so y'all get an idea of the caliber of guys contacting me, why I got overwhelmed in the first place, and WHY I latched on to the only two that I clicked with AT ALL...here are two of the emails I got JUST TODAY...cut and pasted, I am not making this shit up:
your to funny say what you mean and mean what you say...so how are you doin?
A hi, hello, something would have been good, and I think what he meant was "you're too funny..." and then some sort of sign off would have been good as well, but that's just me...next.
funny lady!!you are so sweet and super sexy.i love your smile it is the sunshine in chapel hill.i like you moreso because you are so wonderful and a princess and id love to know you.
Ok, let's forget for just one second the creeptacularness that this message exudes and lemme point out two big giant things 1)my smile is the sunshine in a city? huh? I am confused, I tend to want to actually understand the men I am dating and 2) on NO planet am I a princess (and not all that sweet, but ok) not even close...I even say in my profile "I am one of the guys, and it is starting to piss me off...I am not ready to give up football or beer, but I want to be the girlfriend, rather than the buddy." Seriously...does that sound like something a princess would say?
Not sure if that is carnival ride music or the soundtrack from Psycho I am hearing, but mind is open...I am ready...to...gooooooo...maybe...oh...dear...God...I will let you know tomorrow if I have hung in there or if I am invisible again...anyone got any Dramamine?
babbling
Well...I don't know what to write...I am in a writing funk...I want to talk about Veterans Day, the war...maybe touch on how lucky we are to be living in this country and have people willing to defend it every day, I just can't seem to form a cohesive thought. I have written a few half sentences and then deleted them and now I am just babbling.
An AP article out today said America is in a funk...ya think? We are pissed about the economy, the war, the overall outlook, and our president. Apparently everyone thought he was gonna waive his magic wand and all would be right in the world, and now a year later, not so much. Really? Cuz I know I didn't think he could do a damn bit of good, and while I am sure there were a few out there who thought he was the second coming, I for one knew not even Jesus could save our economy, end the war, and make all right with the world...anyone with half a brain had to know that. Not sure if the AP was just grasping for straws and it being a light news day decided to comment on the obvious or what, but pretty sure I didn't need to read it in the newspaper to figure that one out...thanks though.
On a good note, I am pretty much out of my funk, still can't write, but I'm smiling about it...I like to be one step ahead of trends so it is working out well. Yesterday the Pea and I had an awesome day and I actually enjoyed being unemployed. It helped I paid all my bills for the month, budgeted for the next two months, and then vowed to not worry about money...it is easier said than done, but I have found that if I only worry about how to get through today, and not the next or the one after that, it is a whole lot easier. Today is rainy and gross and the Pea are staying in as much as possible. We have to venture out later to go to the doctor, but I tend to want to hibernate on days like today, so I suspect there will be tv, and naps, in our near future.
Well...that is all I got...wish my brain was working better and I could actually write something well thought out and meaningful, but it's not, so I can't. Thank you veterans...thank you for serving our country and keeping us safe and protecting our freedom, and our right to be in a funk. Ok, NOW all I can think about it that stupid song Funkytown...so of course I went to YouTube and found the most ridiculous clip to share with you. Enjoy...or just feel embarassed for the girl in the video...either way...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co0eAPEVDpM&feature=related
An AP article out today said America is in a funk...ya think? We are pissed about the economy, the war, the overall outlook, and our president. Apparently everyone thought he was gonna waive his magic wand and all would be right in the world, and now a year later, not so much. Really? Cuz I know I didn't think he could do a damn bit of good, and while I am sure there were a few out there who thought he was the second coming, I for one knew not even Jesus could save our economy, end the war, and make all right with the world...anyone with half a brain had to know that. Not sure if the AP was just grasping for straws and it being a light news day decided to comment on the obvious or what, but pretty sure I didn't need to read it in the newspaper to figure that one out...thanks though.
On a good note, I am pretty much out of my funk, still can't write, but I'm smiling about it...I like to be one step ahead of trends so it is working out well. Yesterday the Pea and I had an awesome day and I actually enjoyed being unemployed. It helped I paid all my bills for the month, budgeted for the next two months, and then vowed to not worry about money...it is easier said than done, but I have found that if I only worry about how to get through today, and not the next or the one after that, it is a whole lot easier. Today is rainy and gross and the Pea are staying in as much as possible. We have to venture out later to go to the doctor, but I tend to want to hibernate on days like today, so I suspect there will be tv, and naps, in our near future.
Well...that is all I got...wish my brain was working better and I could actually write something well thought out and meaningful, but it's not, so I can't. Thank you veterans...thank you for serving our country and keeping us safe and protecting our freedom, and our right to be in a funk. Ok, NOW all I can think about it that stupid song Funkytown...so of course I went to YouTube and found the most ridiculous clip to share with you. Enjoy...or just feel embarassed for the girl in the video...either way...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co0eAPEVDpM&feature=related
Monday, November 9, 2009
plan b
Dr Cox, I have a plan B!
The other day I called Dr Cox from the beach to ask him how his day was going, since mine was at a stand still. I was enjoying it, just hanging out, watching the waves, but I wasn't actually accomplishing anything and wanted to check in with someone who might have been. Turns out he wasn't doing much either.
Him: "So, have you found a job yet?"
Me: "Uhm, nope...I am gonna win the lotto...it is at 80 million and I am pretty sure I can live on that."
Him: "That is your plan A?"
Me: "Pretty much."
Him: "Ya know, it is really like 40 million, and after taxes like twelve...dollars, not millions."
Me: "I don't have a plan B."
Him: "Let me know how that works out for you."
Well, I forgot to buy a ticket...the day got away from me, next thing I knew it was Sunday. Damn.
Today I ended up hanging out with a friend, drinking coffee on the deck of another friend's (well acquaintance...) house and the whole sugar daddy conversation came up. Turns out we know some rich single guys who are looking...moooohahahhhahahahaha...Plan B!
The day before I left work I was talking to the girls in the office and words sugar and daddy got tossed about and while we laughed and had fun with it, I left thinking "No way in hell...I will make my own sugar thank you very much." It's funny, because if I were loaded, I wouldn't think twice about taking care of someone I loved. I would want them hanging out with me, not working, so it would be win win to take care of them, but when I think about it going the other way I just get skeeved. I am thinking about the show "The Real Housewives of..." and the girls who weren't married to, but were being taken care of by those rich guys...oh sure on the outside it seemed cool, but I wondered how much freedom those women actually had. Could they really just go off and do whatever and spend whatever or were they constantly having to justify it and be at the man's beck and call? How much quality time did they get with their guys to hang out and enjoy that money together? It seems like it would be a very lonely life...sitting around waiting for him to make time while he justified not with "go buy yourself something pretty."
Oh well...in any case, I now have a plan A AND a plan B, so I should be fine...I will let you know how they work out.
The other day I called Dr Cox from the beach to ask him how his day was going, since mine was at a stand still. I was enjoying it, just hanging out, watching the waves, but I wasn't actually accomplishing anything and wanted to check in with someone who might have been. Turns out he wasn't doing much either.
Him: "So, have you found a job yet?"
Me: "Uhm, nope...I am gonna win the lotto...it is at 80 million and I am pretty sure I can live on that."
Him: "That is your plan A?"
Me: "Pretty much."
Him: "Ya know, it is really like 40 million, and after taxes like twelve...dollars, not millions."
Me: "I don't have a plan B."
Him: "Let me know how that works out for you."
Well, I forgot to buy a ticket...the day got away from me, next thing I knew it was Sunday. Damn.
Today I ended up hanging out with a friend, drinking coffee on the deck of another friend's (well acquaintance...) house and the whole sugar daddy conversation came up. Turns out we know some rich single guys who are looking...moooohahahhhahahahaha...Plan B!
The day before I left work I was talking to the girls in the office and words sugar and daddy got tossed about and while we laughed and had fun with it, I left thinking "No way in hell...I will make my own sugar thank you very much." It's funny, because if I were loaded, I wouldn't think twice about taking care of someone I loved. I would want them hanging out with me, not working, so it would be win win to take care of them, but when I think about it going the other way I just get skeeved. I am thinking about the show "The Real Housewives of..." and the girls who weren't married to, but were being taken care of by those rich guys...oh sure on the outside it seemed cool, but I wondered how much freedom those women actually had. Could they really just go off and do whatever and spend whatever or were they constantly having to justify it and be at the man's beck and call? How much quality time did they get with their guys to hang out and enjoy that money together? It seems like it would be a very lonely life...sitting around waiting for him to make time while he justified not with "go buy yourself something pretty."
Oh well...in any case, I now have a plan A AND a plan B, so I should be fine...I will let you know how they work out.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
in touch
Today was one of those "in touch" days...seemed like I spent the whole day on the phone. It was nice...talked to Smash and Booya early in the day...NY and Dude checked in with me this evening...just got off the phone with Mclovin. I love hearing from people I haven't in awhile. I should have called my dad, it was his birthday, and now it is too late, but every time I tried either the phone rang, or something came up. I had Dancergirl's baby boy today and he and Pea were a handful. We went to the park this afternoon for a picnic lunch and to get some energy out and they ran like mad around the playground for over and hour. I was exhausted just watching them.
The Pea and I are back on good terms...we never made it to DD this morning, but she did have one of her birthday cupcakes (which had sprinkles, so same effect) so she was happy, and tonight she went to bed without a fight. I can hear her snoring as I type...awwww.
The week ahead looks busy, which is good because I do better when I am, and then after that getting ready for our trip up north...we are both already excited and crossing our fingers for good weather. It will be good to reconnect with the family up there and recharge my batteries. I always love going up, but I also always come home with a renewed appreciation for NC. It will be good to get away from all things real and ugly here and maybe when I get back I will be able to get busy on those things on that to-do list that is still taunting from the kitchen counter.
Also taunting from the kitchen counter is the phone...which has been chirping with texts so I better go...big smile...thanks for checkin' in all.
The Pea and I are back on good terms...we never made it to DD this morning, but she did have one of her birthday cupcakes (which had sprinkles, so same effect) so she was happy, and tonight she went to bed without a fight. I can hear her snoring as I type...awwww.
The week ahead looks busy, which is good because I do better when I am, and then after that getting ready for our trip up north...we are both already excited and crossing our fingers for good weather. It will be good to reconnect with the family up there and recharge my batteries. I always love going up, but I also always come home with a renewed appreciation for NC. It will be good to get away from all things real and ugly here and maybe when I get back I will be able to get busy on those things on that to-do list that is still taunting from the kitchen counter.
Also taunting from the kitchen counter is the phone...which has been chirping with texts so I better go...big smile...thanks for checkin' in all.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
sprinkle doughnut
Tonight I f*cked up...I got angry at the Pea and yelled at her, and she didn't deserve it. I hate when I do that...I hate that I get mad at her when what I am really mad at is myself and my life. She didn't want to go to bed, and I wanted her to; after I read her her books and tucked her in she got up and went running down the hall, and instead of laughing it off or just going and getting her, I yelled. She went to bed upset and now I am upset. What I want to do now is wake her up and apologize, but that would just be selfish, so here I sit, writing about it.
Being a parent is hard...being a good parent is really damn hard...being a really good parent all by yourself: nearly impossible. The saying "it takes a village..." yeah, it does. I have found that single moms tend to do one of three things to manage the raising of their kid(s) if they can't afford to hire help: they 1) get a man, any man, and latch on for dear life (not usually a good idea and tends to leave one alone again, down the line, and looking for another one) 2) enlist the help of the grandparents (usually the best idea, and often the most feasible...in my case, not so much) or 3) gather up other single mommy friends and form a "village" of one's own. Dancergirl and I have taken this route and formed ourselves a little family. We haven't taken to living together or anything, but we are like sisters, and our kids like siblings, and I don't know how I would be making it right now without her.
Not only do we take each other's kids on a regular basis so the other can work, run errands, date, or just be alone, but we hang out together a lot and talk, while the kids play. We talk about the usual stuff girlfriends talk about, but we also talk about how scary it is to be doing this alone...how nice it would be to have someone else do the dishes, just once...or how great it will be when the kids are old enough to help with the laundry. We talk about not wanting to settle or take the "get a man, any man" route, but how easy it would be to do some days...and we talk about how we just want to be good mommies. We want to play and have fun with the kids, we want to provide them with a nice safe life, we want to help them grow up to be good people...just like married mommies do.
I guess, just like any parent, married or not, what I need to do is strive to do better next time. I can't go back and not yell, even though I wish I could, but I CAN apologize to her in the morning, and give her a big hug and kiss...and then take her to DD for a sprinkle doughnut...wouldn't it be great if all of our f*ck ups could be fixed with a sprinkle doughnut?
Being a parent is hard...being a good parent is really damn hard...being a really good parent all by yourself: nearly impossible. The saying "it takes a village..." yeah, it does. I have found that single moms tend to do one of three things to manage the raising of their kid(s) if they can't afford to hire help: they 1) get a man, any man, and latch on for dear life (not usually a good idea and tends to leave one alone again, down the line, and looking for another one) 2) enlist the help of the grandparents (usually the best idea, and often the most feasible...in my case, not so much) or 3) gather up other single mommy friends and form a "village" of one's own. Dancergirl and I have taken this route and formed ourselves a little family. We haven't taken to living together or anything, but we are like sisters, and our kids like siblings, and I don't know how I would be making it right now without her.
Not only do we take each other's kids on a regular basis so the other can work, run errands, date, or just be alone, but we hang out together a lot and talk, while the kids play. We talk about the usual stuff girlfriends talk about, but we also talk about how scary it is to be doing this alone...how nice it would be to have someone else do the dishes, just once...or how great it will be when the kids are old enough to help with the laundry. We talk about not wanting to settle or take the "get a man, any man" route, but how easy it would be to do some days...and we talk about how we just want to be good mommies. We want to play and have fun with the kids, we want to provide them with a nice safe life, we want to help them grow up to be good people...just like married mommies do.
I guess, just like any parent, married or not, what I need to do is strive to do better next time. I can't go back and not yell, even though I wish I could, but I CAN apologize to her in the morning, and give her a big hug and kiss...and then take her to DD for a sprinkle doughnut...wouldn't it be great if all of our f*ck ups could be fixed with a sprinkle doughnut?
Friday, November 6, 2009
tgif
I think I am out of the funk. Went out to dinner with Booya, JD, Elliott, Jojo, DrCox, and NY the other night and they lifted my spirits and helped me renew my faith...thanks guys! I hadn't seen JD or Booya in months and reconnecting is always a happy time, plus I was able to vent about the whole job deal to people who are still there and understand...or rather who don't understand either. The great thing about friends who love you unconditionally is they help you see the good in yourself when you can't. They also don't let you get too far into pity without a swift kick and an "ok, that's enough of that crap...suck it up."
I spent all day yesterday hanging with the Pea, playing, and resting...and didn't beat myself up one bit for not having a job or where I am in life right now. Today I will get to work applying for new jobs, workout, and enjoy the day, and hopefully by tonight have a little something more to write about.
I spent all day yesterday hanging with the Pea, playing, and resting...and didn't beat myself up one bit for not having a job or where I am in life right now. Today I will get to work applying for new jobs, workout, and enjoy the day, and hopefully by tonight have a little something more to write about.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
